I Vow To Thee, My Country

Lord Goldsmith has provoked a storm of protest over proposals to make school-leavers swear an oath of allegiance to Queen and country, in a report arguing that a citizenship ceremony would give teenagers “a sense of belonging”.

“Research does tend to show there's been a diminution in national pride,” said the former Attorney General.

Graham Smith, an obvious traitor speaking on behalf of dissident anti-monarchist group Republic, called the plan "offensive to people who do actually cherish democracy and who actually cherish the sorts of liberties we've fought for for centuries.” Meanwhile the treasonous Baroness Kennedy, a leading human rights lawyer, said: "The symbols of a healthy democracy are not to be found in empty gestures, and I'm afraid I see this as an empty gesture."

Lord Goldsmith pointed out that he had not called specifically for an oath of allegiance and - although he personally favours an oath to the Queen - it could take the form of a pledge of commitment to the country, a statement of citizens’ rights and responsibilities, or simply saluting a portrait of the Prime Minister in the classroom. After the ceremony, the teenagers might be presented with a memento - such as a Gordon Brown shirt, a nice pair of leather boots or two years’ compulsory national service in the Middle East.

However, some patently un-British individuals have questioned what the idea is leading to, asking what happens to those who refuse to take the oath, or are deemed at some point in the future to have breached it.

Lord Goldsmith said he had examined similar procedures in other countries. He didn’t, however, say whether those included totalitarian regimes once thought to have been safely consigned to the dustbin of history.

“Look on the bright side,” urged the Labour peer. “I’m also recommending dropping the less-familiar verses of the national anthem - i.e. all bar the first one - and removing certain archaic treason laws such as punishing those who sleep with the wife of the heir to the throne. Because if half of what we’re hearing at Mr Fayed’s inquest show is true, we’d need a whole new prison.”