The All-Purpose Budget Form

Unfortunately Alistair Darling didn’t finish blathering in time for the Nev Filter, so the detailed budget analysis will have to wait until tomorrow. However, we can reveal that the Chancellor cheated in his budget planning by using the little-known HM Treasury Form 1: All-Purpose Budget (Draft) (Emergency Use Only).

The form – a copy of which fell out of William Gladstone’s traditional red case on the doorstep on Number 11 Downing Street – runs as follows:

“It gives me great pleasure to present my Budget to the House.

“Firstly, Income Tax will remain at the same levels. This is a result of this government’s fiscal prudence during this term of office. / Income Tax must, regrettably, go up by (insert random number between 1 and 5) per cent. This measure was forced on us by the imprudence of the previous government. (Delete as applicable.)

“This government is very concerned about the environment. (Note to reader: look serious.) It is my intention to raise: a one-off tax on petrol-guzzling cars / duty on fuel / a levy on electrical goods with stand-by modes / the issue at an international level (tick all that apply).

“In order to stimulate / reinvigorate (delete as appropriate) the housing market, I propose a new tax on housing purchases, to be called (insert name of random household object) Duty. I promise that this will not be a great burden on purchasers / vendors / lenders (delete any that apply).

“The business community continues to thrive in Britain. (Note: socialist alternative deleted – G.B., 1997.) I do not (socialist alternative deleted) propose to increase the burden of taxation on the business community, which is / is not (delete as applicable) largely responsible for the state of Britain today.

“The National Health Service is a cherished British institution, and I have no plans to abolish it. (Note to reader – pretend to be sincere.) I am happy to announce an increase in the overall NHS budget of (insert any large figure here – it doesn’t matter). I also propose a new method of handling finances within the NHS, in order to make it more transparent and accountable. (Note to reader: this is a traditional Treasury joke, to be delivered with a straight face if possible.) The Health Service is safe in our hands. (Ditto.)

“The Social Security budget continues to absorb an unacceptable proportion of GDP. I propose to crack down on the feckless unemployed, while ensuring that the genuinely needy continue to enjoy the safety net of a caring welfare state. (Pause for comic effect.) That is why I am funding a new initiative for the (insert current name of department for doley-bashing) in order to get the unemployed into work. Benefits will rise by (insert lowest inflation figure from previous twelve months, less 0.5%) across the board. It is this government’s fervent desire to eradicate the spectre of child poverty forever by (increase date given in previous budget by one).

“Finally, I should like to reaffirm our commitment to the security of Great Britain by announcing an increase in the defence budget of (insert figure demanded by the Americans). This will ensure that our troops remain the best in the world, fully equipped to handle the current situation in (insert locations of main current conflicts).

“This is a prudent budget. A budget that will ensure prosperity for the British people. A budget for business (Note: socialist alternative deleted, 1997). I commend it to the House. (Note to reader: sit down - look smug.)”