The United Kingdom is in constitutional disarray today, after the abdication of King Wogan I this morning created a vacuum at the heart of the broadcasting system which has left millions questioning the very future of radio in the modern era.
King Wogan has ruled the airwaves ever since the day Marconi sent his first crackling message, and people today simply cannot imagine burning toast or sitting in a traffic jam without his reassuring presence to ease them gently into another tedious day of pointless, devaluing toil for some other bastard's benefit.
During the formal abdication ceremony this morning, prime minister Gordon Brown solemnly broke off from single-handedly saving the world in Copenhagen to express his deep appreciation of the manner in which King Wogan has selflessly carried out his ceremonial duties day after day for over a hundred years.
"I listen to Tony Wigan on the TV every morning as I spoon gruel into my mouth," he reassured the grieving nation. "His self-effacing witty banter always fills me with mirth NB for fuck's sake make an effort to sound cheerful Gordon don't read this bit out obviously A.C."
At the end of the emotional ritual, King Wogan ceremonially handed over to Ken Bruce - who immediately sought to convince a doubt-filled Britain that, one day, history might conceivably judge irritating has-been oddball Prince Chris Evans to be a worthy heir to the BBC crown.
Diehard traditionalists, however, are pinning their hopes on the miraculous return of King Wogan in Britain's direst hour of need, possibly some time in February when he has finished counting all the money he has made from the BBC for hosting Children In Need and the weak, unpopular King Evans has divided the listening nation into warring tribal factions.
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