Brits In

European foreign ministers, meeting in Luxembourg today for crisis talks following Ireland’s rejection of the Lisbon Treaty, believe they have found a solution which will mean the controversial treaty can legally go ahead as planned.

In a surprise move, the foreign ministers have unanimously agreed not to recognise the Anglo-Irish Treaty of 1921, which created what was originally called the Irish Free State. Far from being the culmination of a centuries-old struggle by the oppressed Irish population under the British imperialist yoke, they say, the Anglo-Irish Treaty was in fact extracted at gunpoint from a Britain exhausted by the slaughter of World War One, followed by two violent years at the hands of a gang of ruthless terrorists, and as such cannot be regarded as a legitimate document.

“Some of our citizens – OK, most of our citizens - will find this a bit hard to swallow,” admitted Irish foreign minister Micheál Martin. “But as our major parties are all for the Lisbon Treaty, this minor rewriting of history will get things moving again. Now all we need is for the British government to rubber-stamp the Lisbon agreement on Wednesday, then invade Ireland. Our forces will offer no resistance, as the Irish army is on holiday at Disney World, the navy is having barnacles scraped off its bottom and the air force is painting his shed. Having re-established direct rule, London will then immediately devolve it to a de facto local administration, i.e. us.”

“Of course, our forefathers who suffered under the heel of the British will be turning in their graves,” he added, “Which should provide us with a clean source of energy for years to come.”