Friday 7 March 2008

Conservatives Target Binge Drinkers with Fantasy Budget

The Conservative Party has today unveiled plans to curb teenage binge-drinking by raising taxes on alcopops and strong beers and ciders. Under the proposals the price of a bottle of Bacardi Breezer would rise by 50p, a can of Special Brew would cost an extra 32p, and a three-litre bottle of Quite Frightening cider would go up by £1.25.

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne said that sensible drinkers would benefit as the extra tax raised would be ploughed back into reducing the duty on ordinary beers and ciders, with pub drinkers paying 8p less per pint on brands like John Smith’s, Stella and Strongbow.

“Nobody ever gets drunk on those,” he said, “As I’m sure we’ll see on St. Patrick’s Day, when traditional Irish drinks like Guinness and Magner’s Traditional Honest-To-God Irish Cider are consumed in sober moderation by genuine citizens of the Emerald Isle piously meditating on the holy day of their patron saint.”

Alistair Darling, who is at the moment copying down his forthcoming budget, dismissed the opposition plans, saying: “These ill-thought-out proposals on alcopops are completely unworkable under European law. Anyway, it doesn’t matter what the Tories say, because who’s Chancellor - George Osborne or me? It’s Gordon Brown, of course.”

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