|Stand by for a battering|
“Until quite recently, thanks to Andy selling tanks to murderers, Edward churning out shite documentaries about his own family, the Queen getting caught trying to blag a heating allowance for all her palaces and Philip on a mission to start World War III, it looked like the stock of the royal family was rapidly approaching zero,” the cod explained to incredulous fishermen in Brixham, Devon.
But I see from recent reports that the Duchess of Cambridge is about to drop a sprog, experiments to mount Zara Phillips have finally succeeded and one day they might even get some bird in a room with the ginger bastard long enough for him to work out what needs to be done. Because of these efforts, these iconic leeches are providing sufficient headlines to improve their stock through sheer weight of verbiage.”
The Prince’s Self Sustainability Unit has been helping the royals to work with local and national newspapers, and even Nicholas Witchell, to ensure that they can keep the lifestyle to which they are accustomed while maintaining a viable media profile.
The fish said princes are able to remain nobs in the long term and even for the next generation as long as their stock is protected, as well as providing healthy column inches, preserving tabloid sales and maintaining the illusion that they are in some way relevant.
“Sponging - at least, for those who have inherited incredible wealth - is in fact increasingly witnessing hints of a new dawn,” it said. “Or whatever damned silly name Wills and Kate pull out of a hat.”