Guilt-Ridden Costner Vows To Avenge Whitney Houston By Sailing World’s Oceans Until He Tracks Down Evil Sheriff Of Nottingham

Not actually a suspect at this time, say LA police

Wracked by guilt over failing to prevent Whitney Houston’s tragic death because he is only a fading Hollywood celebrity and not actually a real bodyguard at all, a tearful Kevin Costner today told the singer’s grieving family and fans that he has acquired a trimaran, and will not rest until he tracks down the wicked Sheriff of Nottingham and slays him, bringing peace at last to the ocean realm.

“During the long years of my quest I shall be accompanied by a faithful pet wolf,” sobbed Costner, who cannot breathe underwater and is a terrible shot with a bow and arrow. “I hope my wolf will help me to eventually come to terms with my overwhelming feelings of remorse and give me some sort of closure, through the healing power of interpretative dance.”