The financial world has been left reeling in the wake of the Bear Stearns bank sell-off, with huge numbers bouncing around out of control all over the global markets.
The FTSE 100 index fell 217.3 points on Monday to 5414.4, its lowest value for two years – a drop of 3.9% in a single day, wiping £51bn off the share value of leading British companies. Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, the US Federal Reserve cut the rate at which it lends to banks by 0.25% to 3.25%.
“Nobody knows what all these numbers mean,” said one City analyst. “They’re coming thick and fast, it’s too much to take in. My computer exploded, and the calculator is hiding in the back of the stationery cupboard and refuses to come out.”
In a desperate, but probably futile, attempt to stop global economic meltdown, the Bank of England pumped an extra £5bn into the frozen money markets, but the initiative simply added another huge number to the log-jam.
“We couldn’t just sit back and do nothing,” said an official, “And anyway, what difference does it make? By Friday money will have no meaning, and the entire world will be reduced to a nomadic, hunter-gatherer existence as civilisation collapses like a house of cards. It’s game over, my friend. My advice is to run your family up to Scotland and eke out a meagre existence in a remote, easily-defensible Highland valley.”
Rumours that the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42 were flashing up on stock market screens all over the world were dismissed as “fanciful rubbish” by frightened Treasury officials late this morning, shortly before the sky turned purple.
No comments:
Post a Comment