The Westgate Centre: Is It In The North Of England?

The horrifying scene at the Westlife shopping centre

Journalists are frantically speculating about the precise whereabouts of the Westgate shopping mall, where four British people and a mere handful of dozens of unimportant foreigners were taken hostage and brutally murdered by terrorists who were possibly almost definitely British and even if they aren't they probably have shitloads of relatives here.

Several pissed Mirror reporters spent a frustrating day hiring a Scouse translator and heading north in a taxi, after deciding that Kenya might be that county near Scotland with all the lakes; others rang the UKIP press office to ask if they might know of any shopping malls frequented by black people.

STOP PRESS: Unconfirmed reports are stating that the Westgate mall has just been heroically brainstormed by instant experts. According to one hack whose EDL contact swears he used to be in the SAS, no shopping mall in Britain is safe from crazed, murderous lunatics wielding deadly rayguns who may or may not be black Muslamics.

Meanwhile, the Foreign Office is refusing to confirm or deny allegations that Africa is basically ours, or used to be, well, bits of it anyway, and therefore a new and deadly threat to every man, woman or child in Britain who happens to be white and living in an agreeable part of Surrey.