CofE Bishops Threaten To End 500 Years Of Poking Noses Into Secular Matters Of State

A bishop ponders the ineffable holiness of matrimony

In a strongly-worded declaration, the Church of England has warned that unless the government abandons plans to grant same-sex couples the same rights to the word 'marriage' which everyone else enjoys, it will bring five centuries of constitutional meddling in everybody else’s business to an abrupt end.

“Cor strike a light! Us what's in the established church can’t bear to fink abaht one geeza fondling anuvva geeza’s bum - which is why we finks abaht it all the bleedin' time!” exploded the state religion, in its submission to the home office consultation on drastic proposals to allow same-sex couples to use the same word for their relationships as owners of non-matching genitals. "Stands to reason, dannit?"

“Blimey, if this perversion uv Gawd Almighty’s special bladdy word goes froo I reckon, right, we'd just afta walk aht the 'ouse of Lords – which is where we vote on matters of vital bladdy importance to the 'ole bleedin lot uv yer, guided solely by the unparalleled words uv wisdom wot sam bunch uv wogs in the Middle East cooked up fahsands uv years ago - an' stroll straight into the lavin' arms uv the BNP,” explained the Bishop of Leicester. “Just bleedin' fink for a second, if yer will, wot old Darky Sentamu must be finkin' abaht that.”

“If marriage was good enough for Jesus an' them twelve buggers wot 'ung rahnd wiv 'im, it bladdy orta be good enough for you, yer bleedin' poofters,” he added vehemently. “Er...”

Bishop Of London Appalled Yet Strangely Fascinated By The Jeremy Kyle Show

The Rt Rev Richard Chartreuse, the Bishop of London, has launched a devastating critique of Britain’s moral collapse, after religiously watching The Jeremy Kyle Show ever since its first outbreak in 2005.

“As we celebrate the Jubilee of our justly popular monarch, we have an opportunity to ask some wider questions in the spirit of Jubilee, to pause, look back and ask where we are as a nation, and where we are going,” the prominent churchman writes in a Bible Society pamphlet which he has faithfully posted to every MP and the Daily Mail. “Down the blooming khazi, I reckon.”

“Promiscuity, separation and divorce have reached epidemic proportions in our society, where it is now considered quite the done thing to impregnate your sister-in-law whilst stealing money from the baby you swear isn’t yours in order to support your drug addiction, then blame everything on your alcoholic mother,” he explained, adding: “One simply never heard of such things 60 years ago, when the Queen ascended to the throne and I was 4.”

The C of E bishop went on to suggest that the Jubilee could be used to “focus on hope” and “reset” the nation like a big wonky computer.

Maybe it's not such a bad idea after all

“Lacking any credible narrative as I am, what Britain desperately needs is a Lizzie & Phil Show,” he opined gravely. “I’m sure Prince Philip would jump at the chance to drown out his wife’s subjects by reminding them whose names are on the wall before abruptly ordering them out of his sight, directing them to a circular antechamber in which Her Majesty would kindly offer them her expert guidance based on 86 years of automatic moral superiority.”

When reminded of the exemplary relationships of Prince Charles, Princess Anne and Prince Andrew, Dr Chartreuse turned and said: “Coming up: Jesus tells a feckless waster who has never done a proper day’s work in his life to stop sitting on his fat arse all day long in front of the telly, and go and do something useful for once.”

He then solemnly held up a placard extolling the irrestistible simplicity of online bingo, and regretted that he was right out of time, quite out of touch and might be from outer space.

Catholic Leader Suddenly Discovers Keen Interest In Something Other Than Sex

Just as education secretary Michael Gove orders an investigation into whether Catholic schools acted illegally in urging pupils to sign a petition against gay marriage, Cardinal Keith O’Brien - the head of the Catholic church in Scotland - has suddenly found that he is vitally concerned with the welfare of the poor.

How is it fair that some people live like me? demands the Cardinal

“Imagine my surprise when I heard that, in the rare moments when Jesus wasn’t ranting about the evils of bum sex, our Lord and Saviour expressed a passing interest in the less well off,” said the Cardinal. “’My word,’ I thought to myself, ‘That seemed to go down rather well with people. Perhaps I should try going down with people myself.’"

Cardinal O’Brien admitted that, engrossed as he was in saving the world from the awful plight of gay weddings, he had somehow failed to notice that the rich get richer and the poor get - children, and that this had apparently been considered “fun” for quite some time.

“This is, of course, entirely the fault of governments,” he maintained, speaking from his lavish mansion in Edinburgh’s Morningside district. “As a leader of the Catholic church, I positively welcome any measures which encourage people not to breed.”

They’ll Be Forcing Us To Wear Crosses Next, Warns ‘Holocaust’ Carey

Goose-stepping secular thugs are brutally oppressing Christians every single day in Atheist Britain, according to a shocking exposé which Lord George Carey has submitted to the Daily Telegraph Court of Human Rights.

“Only the other day, a defenceless Christian registrar was ordered at gunpoint by jackbooted atheists to conduct a humiliating civil partnership for two burly, grunting lesbians while the British public just looked on and let it happen,” the former archbishop warned a shocked world. “And what about the suffering of the faithful Christian who was - quite literally - kicked out of his job at Relate merely for expressing his sincerely-held belief that the only relationship counselling buggers need is a graphic description of the exquisite torments awaiting them in the fires of hell?”

Richard Dawkins responds to Lord Carey's concerns

Lord Carey went on to paint a grim picture of show trials conducted by baying atheists, terrified believers being ordered to remove Christian images from public spaces with a toothbrush and officious railway unbelievers forcing pinch-faced Christians to share hideously overcrowded cattle-class carriages with the damned.

“You mark my words, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if one of the jumped-up little dictators who interfere in every aspect of decent Christians’ lives nowadays didn’t come out with some sinister demand that Christians should wear a cross to identify themselves at all times,” he told reporters at a secret underground crypt.

Moments later, his outspoken friend and colleague Cardinal Keith O’Brien gave the coded knock and collapsed into the oppressed believers’ sanctuary with horribly burned ears.

Bigots Place Trust In Courts, Not God

Magic Sky Pixie Issues, a pressure group dedicated to spreading their imaginary friend’s hatred of touching other men’s bottoms through the evangelical ministry of buses, is formally transferring its faith from God to the English legal system as it threatens to sue London mayor Boris Johnson for banning The Sermon On The 29A.

Christians need no further explanation

The group - which claims that homosexuals can be cured simply by spending the rest of their lives nodding intensely at the delusions of raving bigots - has chosen not to curse Mr Johnson with the traditional smiting of boils or plaguing of locusts, preferring instead to place its hopes in a letter from their learned friends, who are eagerly putting together an unarguable set of eye-watering fees.

“I didn’t realise I was living in a Stalinist police state,” ranted Mike Davidson, co-director and 50% of the membership of Magic Sky Pixie Issues, “Although I daresay the Magic Sky Pixie probably found a little corner of heaven for Stalin in the end - Hitler too, come to think of it - on account of their commendably Old Testament treatments for knob jockeys.”

“You see, there’s a little bit of the divine in everybody,” he smiled radiantly. “Not his cock, though. That would definitely be a sin.”

Pope Too Pissed To Read God’s Memo re: Demotion Of St Patrick

Pope Benedict XVI is having such a whale of a time staggering around St Peter’s Square in his ceremonial pint-of-Guinness hat, challenging shit-faced celebrants of the Holy Feast of St Patrick to a fight and then hugging them, that he has completely forgotten about the memo God sent him this morning, red-faced red-robed cardinals admitted today.

According to the ‘Action immediately’-headed memo, God informs His earthly representative that He has finally lost patience with the patron saint of Ireland’s complete undermining of the Christian ethos of pious spirituality, and has busted him down to patron saint of street cleaners and urinal manufacturers.

What in the name of Christ makes you think this is a good look?

God is understood to have originally told St Patrick to rid Ireland of leprechauns, which the hapless holy man misheard as ‘reptilians’ after a heavy night on the fermented peat. The leprechauns subsequently exchanged their pots of gold for Diageo shares and fucked off to London to further their plans for world domination.

“While we’re on the subject,” God advises His oblivious vicar, “Paddy the Snakecharmer is not, and never has been, the patron saint of multinational corporations, so perhaps you could point out that his holy charm is not an enormous fucking hat. From now on, it’s a blue disinfectant cube. You might publicise this by dishing some out at Mass on Sunday, if any bugger manages to roll up.”

Earliest Christian Skeleton Already Boring Archaeologists

Leading archaeologists are already desperate searching for any excuse to avoid the oldest Christian remains ever found in Britain, it emerged just one day after the 1400-year-old skeleton was dug up in Cambridgeshire.

Desperately in need of a good shag, say experts

“The skeleton has been identified as that of an intensely irritating sixteen-year-old girl, no doubt a fresh convert to the recently-introduced faith after about a year of obsessing loudly about veganism and a brief emo phase,” yawned leading archaeopresenter Tony Robinson. “Phil, do we know how she died?”

“Well, Tonee, oi do reckon ‘urr must of bin ‘it on the ‘ead by a flagon, wot ‘er farvur prob’ly frowed at ‘urr to put a stop to ‘urr constant naggin’ ‘bowt ‘is drinkin’ ‘abits,” opined colleague Phil Harding, a leading expert on early Christian sanctimoniousness.

“This has to be one of the most infuriating finds I’ve ever seen,” Mr Robinson told a passing camera. “Just by lying there, this self-righteous little cow highlights all our shortcomings and keeps reminding us that we’re all going to hell when we die. The diggers are already at work on a new trench, and when it’s six feet deep we'll chuck her manky bones in, backfill it and knock up a quick ‘Danger: Radioactive Biohazard’ sign.”

“And we’ve got just three days to do it,” he added.

Cardinal Proclaims Ineffable Divinity Of Holy Matrimony With Numerous Explicit References To Bum Sex

Christian Britain today has its eyebrows raised higher than at any previous time in its 2000-year history, after the God-fearing nation’s top Catholic prelate put it straight on the ghastly things gay people get up to as soon as they think nobody is looking.

The Cardinal's wrongometer just exploded

“Whenever two or more gays find themselves alone together, I tell you, before you can say Hail Mary they’ve all got their winkies stuck in each other’s bottoms and then you have to prise them apart with a stick,” explained a solemn-faced Cardinal Keith O’Blimey. “And, would you believe, they get all their ribs taken out by Satanic gay surgeons just so they can cram their freakishly-swollen toilet parts into their slobbering mouths for the gratification of their insane, depraved lusts. I simply can’t bear to think about it, which is unfortunate, because I do little else.”

“Marriage – proper marriage, I mean, between man who is made in God’s perfect image and a properly obedient lady virgin - is the single most holy act a man will ever undertake,” explained the Cardinal sternly. “Except for the clergy, obviously, as we would rightly be hurled into the burning fires of eternal damnation for polluting our temple-like bodies with vile, corrupted sluts whose wicked disobedience brought sin into the world and their perky, succulent breasts which jiggle up and down in ecst… I’m sorry, will you excuse me? My Little Lord Jesus is telling me I need to go and lie down for a few minutes.”

When he returned, the flushed cardinal was asked what words of comfort he had for lesbians. On being shown some explanatory diagrams of the sins they commit, Cardinal O’Blimey fainted dead away in a prominent state of divine rapture.

God Orders Churches To Welcome Congregations With Minutes Of PCC Meetings And Matters Arising

God has sensationally waded into the ongoing public debate about compulsory prayers in local government, by instructing His ordained representatives to begin all acts of worship with a reading of the minutes of the last Parochial Church Council meeting.

God may also demand apologies for absence

Congregations must, according to God’s plan, then be asked if there are any matters arising from the PCC’s minutes which they wish to discuss before the first hymn.

Many churchgoers, however, have complained that, in these modern times, the arcane thoughts of a tiny group of elders have little or no relevance to their busy lives.

“I’m an anarchist. Why should I be forced to pay lip service to a hierarchical bureaucracy in which I don’t place the slightest credence?” demanded an aggrieved Rev. Harry Davidson, the rector of Stiffkey. “Who does God think He is anyway - Eric Pickles?”

Cameron The Biggest Fan Of Gays Since Hitler, Warns Archbishop

Prime minister David Cameron’s support for gay marriage puts him in exactly the same category as Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot, according to Dr John Sentamu, the Archbishop of York.

Dr Sentamu also took the opportunity to lambast the Church of England for being dominated by a white, middle-class elite.

How To Spot A Dictator – Those Tell-Tale Signs

- Demands total obedience to a charismatic figurehead
- Penchant for wearing garish costumes
- Big on ceremonial public rituals
- Unusually keen interest in your private life
- Portrays self as man of the people
- Blames everything on bourgeoisie and/or some ethnic group
- Everyone to obey his favourite book

Archbishop Spreads The Word ‘Cunt’

Praise the cunt

Retired archbishop George Carey urged Britain to join him in worshipping a golden statue of a calf adorned with the twisted, snarling features of Mail editor-in-chief Paul Dacre.

“I worshipped that softy loser Christ all my life, and all I ever got out of it was a pointy hat and a stick,” preached the former Archbishop of Canterbury. “Bollocks to that. My new lord and paymaster, Paul Dacre Almighty, says those who faithfully accept his message of selfishness and greed into their hearts can redeem real, tangible rewards right here on earth."

"Like this cheque made out to ‘That cunt Carey’," he proclaimed joyfully. "Hallelujah!”

Messerschmitt 109 Was Jewish, Claims Mail On Sunday

Sneaky strong-leadership advocate Adolf Hitler blatantly thieved the design of the Messerschmitt 109 fighter from a Jewish paper-dart enthusiast, according to a sensational claim in the Mail On Sunday which could rewrite the entire history of the 20th century.

To a trained pilot, there's no difference whatsoever

Lazy academics have, until now, unquestioningly swallowed Nazi propaganda identifying Dipl-Ing Willi Messerschmitt as the man who copied out Hitler’s supposedly original blueprint for the fearsome spearhead of the Blitzkrieg. However, according to motoring journalist and therefore, by extension, world-class historian Paul Pieschpoord – who, by sheer coincidence, has a book out which he would quite like you to buy – the aircraft’s true designer was none other than bored Yiddish accountant’s clerk Samuel Cohen, whose major contributions to the field of aeronautics were subsequently covered up by Hitler’s henchmen.

“Immediately following his rise to power, Hitler’s SA thugs were ordered to scour all of the rubbish in the Reich, looking for brilliant ideas to steal,” explained Pieschpoord earnestly. “It’s a well-known fact that the V2 missile, for example, was simply a scaled-up cocktail shaker based on a rejected sketch found in a bin round the back of the Bauhaus.”

Pieschpoord pointed out the exact similarity of the Cohen and Hitler fighter designs, both of which unmistakeably share two wings and a tail fin, and called on aviation historians to refer to the design from now on solely as the Cohen Ch109.

Christian Cameron Struggles With ‘Doubts’ Over Big Theological Issues - Compassion, Humility, Hope, Morality

In a speech proclaiming himself a committed - if vague - churchgoer in a Christian Britain, prime minister David Cameron frankly admitted that he is “full of doubts” about weighty theological issues such as the teachings of Jesus.

We've all got our doubts

“Like most good Christians, I struggle with some of the more abstract concepts,” he said. “I mean, this compassion for the poor – what’s that all about? Don’t we each have to work at our own salvation? And what on earth did Jesus want to heal cripples for? If you’ve cured all the sick people, who do you blame for everything? Anyway, I bet they were all putting on an act, just to get a bit of sympathy. Jesus was a decent sort of chap, sure, but a bit gullible.”

Mr Cameron also acknowledged some difficulties in understanding the notion of Christian charity, apart from the ones who ask him for money to set up the sort of school which insists that science has it all wrong about the dinosaurs.

“One thing I reckon I have got my noddle around, though, is that stuff about giving away all your wealth if you want to enter the kingdom of heaven,” he added brightly. “That’s why I’m throwing all the cash in the Treasury at the consultants, the bankers, the service sector, the private healthcare providers, the construction industry, the train operating companies and anybody else with a nicely-tailored suit. I’m pretty sure it’s what Jesus would do.”

Wrong Hitchens Dead: God Resigns

After blowing the key theological principle of divine infallibility out of the water by calling the wrong Hitchens brother unto his bosom, God today called a press conference to announce his immediate resignation and the permanent closing down of Heaven.

God, you idiot

“What can I say? I cocked up,” admitted the creator of the universe. “Removing Christopher Hitchens, one of humanity’s few remaining intellectual giants, from the earth whilst leaving his loony brother Peter behind to torment you offers the clearest possible proof that I simply do not exist. Christopher has been making this point crystal clear to me since he died, and I have to admit he’s got me there.”

“Bill Hicks backed him up, too, when I delivered his birthday card,” added God sheepishly.

In the absence of an all-powerful deity and an afterlife, God expressed the hope that the human race might finally start treating each other with a bit of respect and dignity - although he acknowledged that, with hindsight, this was another area in which he has failed miserably.

Church Of England Sends Emergency Relief Aid To Hell

With the compliments of the CofE

Starkly faced with the impending loss of its only sinner disposal facility, the Church of England has acted swiftly to restore normal conditions to Hell by vehemently blocking any prospect of civil partnerships taking place in its churches.

“The government may have removed the legal barrier which prevents bottom-fanciers and their hairy female counterparts from indulging in some despicable paper travesty of the God-ordained sanctity of marriage – hey, no offence meant – but don’t get your hopes up,” said secretary general William Fittall. “The only way it’s ever going to happen is with the written permission of the General Synod, which will only come when Hell finally freezes over. We are therefore consigning millions of tons of salt to eternal damnation, along with some helpful leaflets explaining the availability of home-insulation grants.”

Mr Fittall also compared the church’s views on same-sex partnerships to a gentlemen’s outfitter being expected to serve a woman. Leading gentlemen’s outfitters Moss Bros, however, replied that any woman walking in off the high street waving a fistful of cash has been welcomed with open arms since it opened its first Women’s Department in 1947, and invited the church to wake up and smell the 21st century.

iPhone Now Comes With Inbred Born-Again Weirdo As Standard

The latest incarnation of the iPhone has accepted Jesus Christ into its life as its personal Lord and Saviour, acknowledged Apple today, after users seeking abortion clinics reported that they had been sent by Siri – the virtual assistant built into every iPhone 4S – to parenting centres run by fundamentalist anti-abortion campaigners instead.

Oh no, not again

“I only wanted to find out a bit about the morning-after pill,” complained shocked trendy Shelley Haeckel, 19, a student at the University of Texas. “Now my iPhone is calling me a painted Jezebel harlot every hour, on the hour and urging me to repent all my sins and beg for God’s sweet salvation right now, or writhe in the hellfire of damnation for all eternity. And I’m not even pregnant.”

Other users have reported that their fundamentalist phones have deliberately them sent to the reptile house of the nearest zoo and challenged them to wrangle poisonous snakes as proof of their faith in Jesus, or insisted that the Rapture will definitely take place on the first anniversary of Steve Jobs’ death, when only the 4,000 most righteous Apple fanatics will be carried up into heaven.

“Unfortunately, Siri’s personality is only in the beta stage and we’ve still got a few wrinkles to iron out,” admitted Apple Corp spokeswoman Natalie Kerris. “We hope to roll out an upgrade soon and, although your iPhone’s freedom of religious belief is protected by the First Amendment, we hope to at least be able to persuade Siri to switch from all-out Southern Batshit mode to Episcopalian, where it will confine itself to merely tutting if you fail to attend worship on Sunday.”

Technology experts warned: "It's Mr Paperclip joining the Scientologists all over again."

Church Of England Topples Government

Bearded religious fanatics, but in a good way

Millions of ecstatic Britons thronged the streets today, openly firing prayers into the air, after hearing the news that David Qameron’s hated coalition regime has at last been successfully overthrown in a desperate verbal assault by 18 Anglican bishops in this morning’s Observer.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has been formally appointed as pastoral caretaker PM by Her Majesty (Angela Merkel), and said he was working hard to form a new government of Britain’s top theocrats.

Even as the bishops were receiving their ministerial appointments, however, the search for the fugitive Colonel Qameron and his evil cohorts continued, amid speculation that they may be making a last stand in their traditional strongholds in the commuter belt or the countryside - or, in the case of Nick al-Clegg, a damp and dismal hole in the ground (either Scotland or Cornwall).

Dr John Sentamu, the Archbishop and Justice Secretary of York, told reporters: “Dearly beloved, I have gathered you here today to acknowledge the sins of the Qameron clan, who have fallen from grace and landed on their arses with an almighty thump. Although our heavenly Father in his infinite wisdom and mercy seems to have temporarily hidden them from mortal sight, yet shall we continue to look for them even, as it were, through a glass darkly. We shall seek them amongst the cedars of Surbiton. We shall not fear them, yea, even though we walk through the shadows of the valley of debt. And when at last we shall find them, there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth as we forgive them.”

Kiddy-Fiddler Palace Not Really A Proper Country, Suggests Ireland

Ireland has belatedly realised that Vatican City - the ancient sanctuary for sex-starved old pervs who want you to agree that touching another man’s bottom is an unpardonable abomination, but molesting small children is just a minor embarrassment – might not actually be a bona fide country at all, as it announces the closure of its embassy in a wing of the vast palace whose cellars and corridors are overflowing with the Pope’s looted riches.

Ireland's guide to how to spot a country

"This is really bad for the Vatican because Ireland is the first big Catholic country to do this, and because of what Catholicism means in Irish history," said a Vatican diplomatic source in a big red dress. “Er… not the history of serial child abuse we cheerfully covered up for decades. I mean getting rid of all those snakes, eternal damnation for divorcees - you know, the good stuff.”

The Irish government, for its part, insists that the embassy closure has been ordered purely on cost grounds - further irritating the Vatican, which is proud of its vital role in promoting civilised human values such as damning women for the wicked sin of thinking about family planning, or displaying the divine spirit of Christian forgiveness towards priests who, it insists, are understandably led astray by the constant, shameless flaunting of smooth young bottoms by sinful children entrusted to their pastoral care.

Experts believe it can only be a matter of time before the God tells the Pope to retaliate, by pastorally excommunicating the republic until it comes crawling back in a suitably chastened spirit of repentance with an offering of tempting, fresh young winkies.

Nev Filter Hastily Sealing Letterbox Before Inviting Prophet Mohammed To Make Tea

Your support is appreciated

Satirical newsblog The Nev Filter is expected to announce that it will be inviting the Prophet Mohammed to be the office teaboy, shortly after its editor has finished spraying mastic around the flap of his letterbox.

Peering anxiously through the spyhole in his front door, the editor – who is also the Nev Filter’s sole writer, designer and woefully-underachieving publicist – explained to himself that his controversial decision was being made in solidarity with French satirical magazine Charlie Abominable, whose offices were destroyed today by a petrol bomb after it told its readers that the venerated founder of Islam would be its next guest editor.

“Obviously, I can’t give a production task to somebody who died 1,389 years ago, even if he is the chosen agent of divine action,” explained Nev, as he climbed into a pair of asbestos trousers. “But I think making the tea should be well within the Prophet’s divinely-inspired capabilities, since I only drink coffee.”

"Please don't kill me," he added.

Andrew Marr To Lead Mail’s Holy Crusade To Save Christ

The righteous forces of Christian decency, a/k/a the Daily Mail, today proudly announced that the saintly Andrew Marr has seen the light and vowed to join its crusade to rescue their imperilled Lord and Saviour from the wicked BBC.

Mail readers plan to make their views known to the BBC

Archbishop Dacre solemnly warned a shocked world yesterday that “sin-loving cunts” who run the BBC have hatched a dastardly plot to murder Our Lord Jesus Christ by erasing His name from history, replacing the god-fearing ‘Anno Domini’ and ‘Before Christ’ with blasphemous references to some ghastly ‘common’ era which they fervently hope will utterly obliterate all of Our Blessed Lord and Master’s sacred years – erasing Him completely from human history.

“I do solemnly reject the heretic teachings of the BBC and humbly beg Archbishop Dacre’s sweet forgiveness,” grovelled the born-again penitent, prostrating himself before the righteous readers of Middle England. “Amen.”

“Let that awkward business about St. Andrew’s superinjunction concerning the unfortunate spilling of his seed in some non-matrimonial fanny now be cast into outer darkness,” proclaimed the acknowledged spiritual leader of Middle England, rising up and girding himself with the Armour of God, the Sword of Christ and the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. “Come, my devoted flock, and take up arms with us against the vile Mohammedan cunts of Shepherd’s Bush who flagrantly seek to wipe The Holy Lamb of God from the pages of history.”