Inner Cities Looking Forward To Arrival Of Patronising Busybodies’ Valuable Cars

Nah, it was like that when you left it, mate

Britain’s problem families have welcomed prime minister David Cameron’s latest bright idea - urging insufferably patronising middle-class pricks into their inner-city hellscapes to tell them how to find those millions of ‘hidden’ jobs which exist in his empty head - and also promised a particularly warm welcome for shiny new Chelsea tractors.

Community representatives said there were plenty of vacant off-road parking spaces round the back of their decaying tower blocks where public-spirited locals could keep a watchful eye on the luxurious 4x4s and people-carriers, whilst their owners were indoors offering the full benefit of their rose-tinted worldview to any addict incapable of running away fast enough.

“This scheme’s fackin’ brilliant right?” said problem person Sammi-Jo Potts. “That poncy twat’s only just gorn an’ announced it, an’ already I bin offered like fifty nicker a wheel offuv any Merc or Beemer yeah an’ a tenner for every satnav. ‘Assa noo Xbox sorted for startas yeah innit.”

Libyan Rebels Say Just A Few More Bullets Will Make The Rain Fall

The sky surely can't take much more of this

The National Transition Council of Libyan rebel leaders claims its plans to restore vital water supplies to the people of Tripoli are close to fruition, with just a few thousand more rounds to be fired into the air before the sky is sufficiently intimidated to release its glorious revolutionary rain onto the city.

“Believe me, we have spent many months planning for Libya’s smooth transition from dictatorship to functioning democracy,” said Mahmoud Madman of the NTC. “Now all we have to do is train up some new doctors and nurses - which will be a lot quicker to accomplish once the few surviving patients do the decent thing, and stop wasting precious time and resources by selfishly clinging on to life - carry on shooting the water out of the clouds, then find the ‘off’ switch for the power station and blow it up, and everything will soon be back to normal. Do you like the suit, by the way? Gieves and Hawkes have done the democratic citizens of Libya a great service.”

“Meanwhile, we hope the West will continue to provide essential humanitarian aid to the people of Libya,” he added, “By blasting everything and everybody in Colonel Gaddafi’s home town of Sirte to dust.”

BBC Viewers Looking Forward To Sir Alex Ferguson Shouting ‘Fuck’ Again

Sir Alex contemplates whether to stick with 'fuck', or ring the changes

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has agreed to lifted his seven-year boycott against the BBC, allowing terrestrial viewers to experience once again the delights of his potty-mouthed rants.

Sir Alex brought his self-imposed ban to an end by telling a wincing BBC reporter: “Those FA clusterfucks can piss up their fucking arseholes until they fucking realise how fucking important this fucking club is. We’ve produced more fucking players for this crappy country than any other fucking club in the fucking world! Those fucking wankers ought to be fucking queuing the fuck up to suck my bastard cock instead of shitting on us all the fucking time. How fucking dare they piss all over wanker Rooney just for fucking swearing at a bastard TV camera, for the holy love of fuck? Fuck me sideways, I do that for a fucking living! Now piss off, you little BBC cunt.”

“It’s a beautiful game,” spluttered red-faced BBC veteran Gary Lineker, spitting out a mouthful of crisps.

Meanwhile, BBC marketing chiefs are already looking forward to lucrative Christmas sales of a hurriedly-designed Alex Ferguson mask aimed at young Manchester United fans, with a built-in voice chip which will turn every word - except prepositions - into an electronic bleep.

Neurotics Glad To Have Something Real To Worry About For Once

Britain’s many neurotics are delighted by the news that saboteurs may have switched their magic pills for the powerful anti-psychotic drug Seroquel XL, finally giving them a genuine cause for the intolerable headaches they claim to suffer on every day with a U in its name.

Spreadsheet hell ahoy

“Apparently Seroquel’s side effects are horrendous, including fatigue, dizziness, weight gain, agitation, weakness, constipation, vomiting, lethargy, tremors, stomach and back pain, irritability, confusion and suicidal thoughts,” average hypochondriac Liz Winters shrieked at a cowering pharmacist in Superdrug. “Well, I already get plenty of that from a typical stressed-out morning at the office, thank you very much. Now give me some bloody Nurofen and for God’s sake get it right - all this shouting has given me another blinding headache and it’s all your fault, you silly little foreign person.”

Meanwhile, Britain’s schizophrenics are reporting that all is, for once, peace and tranquility inside their heads.

“If your Nurofen packet has a batch number in the 13JJ, 49JJ or 57JJ range, please return it immediately,” warned the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency. “Alternatively, perhaps you could bother to read the words printed on the blister pack instead of simply fumbling for a magic pill to fling down your gullet every time your poor little brain is actually forced to think about anything.”

Government Still Failing To Explain How Shit Britain Is

Immigration figures released today show that, despite its promises, the government is still not managing to turn foreigners away by successfully convincing them that Britain is an absolute shithole of a country that will relentlessly suck all the hope and meaning out of their lives forever.

Meet Britain's cultural ambassador

“Despite worldwide coverage of our pathetic underclass, whose only idea of political engagement is half-inching a pair of Reeboks from JJB Sports; despite the fact that what passes for commerce consists solely of selling shoddy, overpriced crap to underpaid people who sell more shoddy, overpriced crap back to us; despite the fact that nobody can afford a train ticket, let alone a roof over their heads; despite the horrors of what we laughingly refer to as a National Health Service; despite the fact that we can’t even grunt our own language; all this clearly indicates that the United Kingdom is the ante-room to Hell, yet we just can’t seem to get the message across to these people that they’re better off turning tail at customs and scarpering for home as fast as their legs can carry them,” admitted secretary of state for immigration Damien Green. “Even if that took them back to a refugee camp, at least they’d have some hope that their lot might eventually improve one day. You don’t get that here.”

“But England is the best place in the world for cricket,” said a poor deluded Lithuanian at Gatwick as he stepped off the plane. “That surely proves that this is still the promised land of village greens, tea tents and larks singing gaily in the meadows, does it not?”

“I make excellent tea,” he added, tragically, as immigration officials led him into a TV lounge showing the Jeremy Kyle Show on a continuous loop.

Wanking GCSE Will Close Gender Gap

Revision guides are available at all dodgy newsagents

With today’s GCSE results providing the strongest evidence yet that boys are as thick as pigshit, the government announced plans to narrow the ever-widening gender gap by introducing a GCSE in Wanking.

“The key to bringing boys’ grades up to par is finding something that teenage boys excel at,” said schools minister Nick Gibb. “And the only field in which teenage boys exhibit any interest at all is compulsively tugging their winkies morning, noon and night. It is only right that the government should recognise their efforts and reward them accordingly.”

When pupils go back to school in September they will find that site-blocking software has been removed from their schools’ computer networks, allowing full access to an educational treasure-house of hardcore porn sites filled with every imaginable act of sordidness and then some.

“The Wanking GCSE is about far more than just wanking, although of course that’s a major element,” said Mr Gibb. “Students will be expected to chart the course of their orgasms, identifying the key stages, and to devise an idealised script for the perfect rumpy-pumpy marathon, consisting of at least six distinct acts of advanced depravity.”

Mr Gibb added that grade A* Wankers will be able to follow up their studies with an A-level in Applied Pornography, and go on to a degree in Porn Studies - which he hopes will lead to career opportunities in the media industry, following in the glorious footsteps of Express Newspapers owner and wank-magnate Richard Desmond.

Gaddafi Interviewed For Top Met Job

And he can supply his own uniform

The elusive Libyan leader, Colonel Gaddafi, confounded his angry people this morning by turning up suddenly at Scotland Yard to be interviewed for the Chief Commissioner vacancy.

While sporadic gunfire continues to erupt in Tripoli as inexplicably loyal government forces continue to hold the world’s media in a comfy hotel, the hated dictator sat quietly in a waiting room between Sir Hugh Orde and acting commissioner Tim Godwin, thumbing through an old issue of Jane’s Police Review and polishing his medals until the receptionist called out: “Colonel Muammar Muhammad al-Gaddafi, Dean of Arab Rulers, Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People’s Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, Keeper of Arab Nationalism, Head of the Coalition of Coast and Desert States, Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution, Imam of Muslims and King of Kings of Africa – the panel will see you now.”

“Obviously I’m not at liberty to divulge what was discussed during the Colonel’s interview,” announced Home Secretary Theresa May later. “Wishy-washy liberals might think that recent events in Libya would count against him but, to give him his due, it’s rather exceptional for disorderly criminal elements to be backed up by NATO assault helicopters and strike fighters. Setting that aside, the preceding 41 years of maintaining strict public order is a magnificent record of civic authority which cannot easily be overlooked.”

Government Limits MPs To Two Rioters Per House

The government has announced that, regardless of the number of home improvements they would like done free of charge at the taxpayers’ expense, MPs will still only be allocated a maximum of two convicted rioters per household.

“This is sanctimonious penny-pinching at its worst,” spluttered backbencher Richard Graft. “Jacqui Smith only wanted a bit of painting in one measly room, and she got two offenders. I need my entire Westminster pied-a-terre rewired for 7:1 Dolby Surround in every room, including the balcony overlooking the Thames – now it’s going to take bloody weeks.”

How about a new constituency office?

PM David Cameron, however, insisted that there was a limited number of rioters, but many of them were receiving long sentences which would simply not be fulfilled by fixing up every MP’s wish list in the short term.

“What I would ask every parliamentarian to do is to search his or her heart for long-term projects which will be of lasting value to the entire community,” he said, “MPs should consider connecting their mansions and their constituency offices with an underground railway, or artfully concealing an Olympic-sized swimming pool beneath a colossal ha-ha. These tasks will take two members of the criminal underclass years to complete.”

Tripoli Chef Doing Incredible Things With Pulverised Concrete, Say War Correspondents

War is hell

Beleaguered war correspondents holed up in their comfortable hotel in Tripoli have managed to get a message out, reassuring the watching world that the restaurant’s chef is whipping up a fantastic range of dust-based confections nightly for their delight.

“The menu still offers a satisfying range of entrées, main courses and desserts, although the soufflé is rather more filling than usual,” Martin Fivethirtysmith told viewers, while colleague Worly Guerly added that the dress code no longer required the checking-in of flak jackets and non-removal of helmets whilst dining was now acceptable, albeit frowned upon by the more experienced war reporters.

“By the way, if anyone knows what’s going on out there, do let us know,” she added cheerfully.