CofE Bishops Threaten To End 500 Years Of Poking Noses Into Secular Matters Of State

A bishop ponders the ineffable holiness of matrimony

In a strongly-worded declaration, the Church of England has warned that unless the government abandons plans to grant same-sex couples the same rights to the word 'marriage' which everyone else enjoys, it will bring five centuries of constitutional meddling in everybody else’s business to an abrupt end.

“Cor strike a light! Us what's in the established church can’t bear to fink abaht one geeza fondling anuvva geeza’s bum - which is why we finks abaht it all the bleedin' time!” exploded the state religion, in its submission to the home office consultation on drastic proposals to allow same-sex couples to use the same word for their relationships as owners of non-matching genitals. "Stands to reason, dannit?"

“Blimey, if this perversion uv Gawd Almighty’s special bladdy word goes froo I reckon, right, we'd just afta walk aht the 'ouse of Lords – which is where we vote on matters of vital bladdy importance to the 'ole bleedin lot uv yer, guided solely by the unparalleled words uv wisdom wot sam bunch uv wogs in the Middle East cooked up fahsands uv years ago - an' stroll straight into the lavin' arms uv the BNP,” explained the Bishop of Leicester. “Just bleedin' fink for a second, if yer will, wot old Darky Sentamu must be finkin' abaht that.”

“If marriage was good enough for Jesus an' them twelve buggers wot 'ung rahnd wiv 'im, it bladdy orta be good enough for you, yer bleedin' poofters,” he added vehemently. “Er...”

Downton Abbey Not Inspiring Public To Call For End To Class System

Let the right one in

No MPs are demanding changes to Britain’s quaintly archaic class system today, reflecting no public concerns raised by watching ITV’s Downton Abbey.

“You know, I’d never really thought about the absurdity of socio-hierarchical divisions based solely on the circumstances into which people happen to be born,” mused Downton addict Jane Prole, “And I’m certainly not going to think about it now.”

“It’s a shame shop assistants don’t call you sir or madam nowadays,” she pondered, whilst considering whether or not she could afford the DVD box set.

Absurdly Meaningless Role Now Open To Members Of Absurdly Inbred Family With Tits

All over the Commonwealth (whatever that is) democracy and equal rights campaigners with tits danced joyfully in the streets today as their elected representatives suddenly took it upon themselves to decide that their citizens would, in future, pay slavish obeisance to one member of one particular family sporting a pair of charlies, should she be fortunate enough to be born before any sibling with a willy.

One day you might discover what it feels like to be under these

“This long-overdue arbitrary decision corrects centuries of penile bigotry stemming from a previous arbitrary decision,” cheered the owner of an impressive pair of baps in Malawi. “My life will never be the same, knowing that I could one day be queen if only I’d been born into Windsor family.”

The Commonwealth heads also decided, on a whim, that future heads of the Windsor household would be free to marry anybody who believes they are literally eating their imaginary friend every Sunday – although, controversially, they insisted that any king or queen must still acknowledge that, although their imaginary friend’s imaginary dad may well have made the world in seven days, the fact that he also undoubtedly created velociraptors and trilobites before changing his mind suggests that his perception of time was almost certainly not the same as than ours.

However, the Commonwealth’s great and good stopped short of guaranteeing a lifetime of unimaginable privilege for any non-white descendents of Georg Ludwig Hanover, an obscure German who was handed Britain and Ireland on a plate in 1714.

“Don’t worry,” joked prime minister David Cameron. “That’s hardly likely to ever be an issue.”

Serbs Celebrate Tolerance, Freedom Of Expression And Assembly With Anti-Gay Riot

Serbia demonstrated its readiness for EU membership today by holding the first Gay Pride march in the capital, Belgrade, for nine years. Its citizens then demonstrated why the saying ‘as unbigoted as a Serb’ has not yet gained common currency, by bombarding the marchers with petrol bombs before setting fire to the headquarters of the Democratic Party.

Serbian Orthodox Church patriarch Irinej Gavrilovica had earlier urged his deeply religious countrymen to exercise restraint.

“I beg all good Christian Serbs to show tolerance and respect for these perverted, unnatural abominations,” he told the faithful in an address on Friday. “Don’t kill them. Ask yourselves what Jesus would have done, and content yourselves with just kicking the evil gay crap out of them.”

Serbs hope their quaint national custom of murderous hate will flourish in the EU

Just before the march the head of the EU mission in Serbia, Vincent Degert, addressed 1,000 gay activists in downtown Belgrade.

“We are here to celebrate the Serbian values of tolerance, freedom of expression and assembly,” observed M. Degert, before sending them out beyond the safety cordon of riot police and armoured vehicles with his best wishes for their survival.

“I’ve been good. It’s been fifteen years since I last slaughtered anyone,” explained protester Petar Demonić moments later, as he hurled a blazing bottle at the marchers. “And even then it was only a couple of dozen Muslims. Can’t I kill some queers just this once, for old times’ sake?”

“I’m really looking forward to the EU,” he added cheerfully, as he headbutted a policeman. “Five hundred million people. So little time.”

Humourless Woman Relaxes In Empty Office After Hectic Week Of Third-Party Harassment Complaints

Hatchet-faced office killjoy Rosemary Milquetoast, 51, says she is looking forward to finally getting some work done this afternoon, after a busy but rewarding week in which she has managed to get all of her co-workers suspended for breaches of the new Equality Act which came into force a week ago.

Mrs Milquetoast is looking forward to holding up every claim personally from now on

Mrs Milquetoast, a housing benefits delayer for Reading Borough Council, submitted her first formal complaint at 09.03 on Monday, after irritatingly chirpy temp Martin Green airily blamed his rushed arrival on the time his girlfriend Emma took in the bathroom.

“I’ve never met this Emma person, and frankly I don’t want to,” Mrs Milquetoast told her line manager three minutes later. “Nevertheless, I feel deeply offended on her behalf. Send this evil bigot back to the agency, please.”

“Now,” she added, producing a clipping from the Daily Mail outlining the ramifications of the new law, a legacy of the Labour government which was championed by Harriet Harman.

Before lunchtime, Mrs Milquetoast had instigated disciplinary proceedings against two other colleagues for causing her to take secondary offence on behalf of a teenage son and a neighbour.

“By this morning, there was just Terry Peters on the front desk left to deal with,” grimaced a thin-lipped Mrs Milquetoast. “So I invented an excuse and went downstairs, claiming to be conducting a pencil audit, and instigated a conversation about housing benefit claimants. He chuckled and said that some of them could be a bit stroppy at times. Bingo. I clicked the tape recorder off and hurried back upstairs with the damning evidence. I can’t stand people on benefits myself, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be mortified for them at this uncalled-for assault on their reputation.”

“And there was an unexpected bonus,” she crowed. “When I presented him with yet another complaint form in triplicate, Mr James, the office manager, had the bare-faced cheek to tell me to my face, ‘You know, Rosemary, I’m just a simple sort of chap. I don’t know how I’ll cope, having 26 staff on indefinite suspension.’ How dare he deprecate himself like that, the poor man? I really felt for him. Naturally I was on the phone to Personnel right away, and I was most gratified to see security escort him from the building at lunchtime.”

Mrs Milquetoast’s peaceful afternoon of proceeding unhurriedly through a growing mountain of housing benefit claims was, however, shattered when she went to make herself a green tea and overheard somebody in the parking permits section telling a colleague ‘that bum-faced old trout next door is having a field day, moaning about whatever anybody utters.’

“It’s a disgrace,” she told a cowering personnel assistant two minutes later. “I don’t have to stand there in the corridor and listen to shocking slanders against poor innocent fish.”

“But from now on,” she added darkly, “I’ll do it anyway.”

Harman To Use Discrimination Laws Against Anyone Commenting On Her Inability To Drive

Equality minister Harriet Harman has warned that anyone who utters a single word about her £350 fine for driving without due care and attention will face the full fury of Britain's anti-discrimination laws and receive up to five years in prison if found guilty of harassing her over the nine penalty points on her driving licence.

Ms Harman - who avoided picking up an additional three points for using her mobile phone whilst driving, thus escaping an automatic ban, because the latter charge was dropped by the Crown Prosecution Service on the grounds of her jolly importance - angrily warned Britain's men to refrain from making the slightest disparaging remark about women drivers, or face the consequences.

Ms Harman, whose jolly importance to the well-being of the nation also includes her role as leader of the House of Commons, already had six points on her licence for two counts of thinking the speed limit only applied to ordinary little people.

The incident took place in July, when Mr Harman collided with a parked car whilst attempting the extremely difficult manoeuvre of driving her ministerial Rover out of a parking space whilst yapping away nineteen to the dozen. The owner of the stationary vehicle saw the collision from his flat, and telephoned the police as she drove away.

"Next time Harriet Harperson wants to conduct her constituency business," he told reporters after the verdict was delivered, "She might want to drop her ministerial car in one of the extra-wide parking bays which are a feature of China's new pink-painted women-only car park, and then catch a flight back to London."

"Or she could just make Britain's roads safer by staying in China," he added, moments before an armed response equality monitoring unit led by newly-honoured Asst Commissioner Cressida Dick burst in and shot him.

Chav-Abuse Atrocity Surpasses Worst Excesses of Nazi Germany

Britain has been warned to be on the lookout for a highly-dangerous amateur cartoonist on the loose, after a car insurance claim form was posted on the internet featuring a shocking sketch of a roadside argument between a male motorist and a female "freeloading fat chav who doesn't have whiplash!!!"

A spokesman for insurers AIG said: "We take any potential breach of data security very seriously and we are actively conducting a full investigation into this matter."

"Chavs are a small minority group," he added. "At least as far as the insurance industry is concerned."

Oppressed chavs all over the country expressed shock and outrage when the cartoon's gratuitously offensive wording was read to them by grown-ups with computers.

"Us chavs is sortuv like an endangered species or woteva, right?" said an angry chav in an uninsured Astra with a blue searchlight mounted beneath the floorpan. "We got rights an' all innit, nowarramean? I'm reely like hurt an' upset an' that. Just hearing about this evil insulting facist bastud has like given me like reely bad trauma for life. I'm gonna want big compy for this, innit? Sorted."

A spokesman for Equality and Human Rights Commission assured the nation's scum that the vile motoracist, whose name was given on the posted from, was currently being hunted down by police marksmen and would certainly be dead before dawn.

Anglican Church Swings Both Ways

The Anglican Communion is facing dual threats of schism, with one splinter group of 1,300 clergy threatening to leave over the issue of female bishops, and another 300 conservative bishops and archbishops refusing to recognise the Archbishop of Canterbury’s authority.

The latter group, which is proposing an alternative leadership of five African and one South American cleric, is critical of what it sees as declining standards in the West, particularly over homosexuality.

“If we look at the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, we don’t find a single word about men’s bottoms,” said one of the breakaway bishops. “God’s message is clear: woman and man were created to complement each other in all things. The only acceptable relationship in the eyes of Our Lord is one of mutual respect and equality between men and women. When God had created Adam, did He then create Gok Wan to give him a makeover? No, He didn’t. He created Eve - and she was responsible for the catering, which remains to this day an important part of the Anglican ministry. Would you like a cup of tea?”

A spokesman for those clergy threatening to resign over the ordination of women said: “The Gospels are quite clear on the subordinate status of women. Our Lord’s ministry was spent in the exclusive company of twelve like-minded men. He had no time for women in His life at all. As far as God is concerned, in a very real sense a woman’s place is in the congregation, arranging the flowers and having a girly crush on the vicar.”

The two ecclesiastical spokesmen then squared off against each other and a brutal fist-fight developed, in which several mitres were seriously damaged and one bishop was taken to hospital to have his crozier surgically removed.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, meanwhile, had no comment to make as he was busy ministering to the spiritual needs of the lesbian sado-masochistic dominatrix community in his Lambeth Palace dungeon.

Let My People Get Off With Community Service

A coalition of charities is, for the first time, lobbying the UK government to stop jailing women convicted of non-violent crimes.

“Women’s needs have never been very influential in the design or concept of prisons,” said Teresa Elwes of the Bromley Trust.

According to the Howard League for Penal Reform, “Women in custody remain locked into an inhumane system with heavy-handed levels of punishment, poorly-trained staff, inadequate healthcare and sparse opportunities for rehabilitation and family contact.”

The report notes that male inmates are frequently asked if their prisons could be rebuilt to suit them better, with kindly, caring prison officers and Harley Street consultants on hand to minister to their needs and desires.

“All we are saying is that all women are delicate little flowers, apart from the chavs who eat their own young of course,” said convicted drug baroness Enid ‘The Godmother’ Blyton. “The system doesn’t take into account the extenuating circumstances of most female criminals, which are invariably caused by some bloke or other - like our dads, husbands and pimps. I should be let out immediately - my customers are suffering from severe withdrawal symptoms and it’s hard for me to care for them while some work-experience screws are stamping on my head while cruelly denying me my right to breast enlargement therapy.”

Men around Britain’s prisons agreed, saying that none of them had ever had it so rough as women. “Me and me mates had privileged middle-class backgrounds where we wanted for nothing,” said Norman Stanley Fletcher from his penthouse cell. “Women should be allowed to commit all the crime they want. And then send the proceeds to me, care of HMP Slade know what I mean?”