Earliest Christian Skeleton Already Boring Archaeologists

Leading archaeologists are already desperate searching for any excuse to avoid the oldest Christian remains ever found in Britain, it emerged just one day after the 1400-year-old skeleton was dug up in Cambridgeshire.

Desperately in need of a good shag, say experts

“The skeleton has been identified as that of an intensely irritating sixteen-year-old girl, no doubt a fresh convert to the recently-introduced faith after about a year of obsessing loudly about veganism and a brief emo phase,” yawned leading archaeopresenter Tony Robinson. “Phil, do we know how she died?”

“Well, Tonee, oi do reckon ‘urr must of bin ‘it on the ‘ead by a flagon, wot ‘er farvur prob’ly frowed at ‘urr to put a stop to ‘urr constant naggin’ ‘bowt ‘is drinkin’ ‘abits,” opined colleague Phil Harding, a leading expert on early Christian sanctimoniousness.

“This has to be one of the most infuriating finds I’ve ever seen,” Mr Robinson told a passing camera. “Just by lying there, this self-righteous little cow highlights all our shortcomings and keeps reminding us that we’re all going to hell when we die. The diggers are already at work on a new trench, and when it’s six feet deep we'll chuck her manky bones in, backfill it and knock up a quick ‘Danger: Radioactive Biohazard’ sign.”

“And we’ve got just three days to do it,” he added.

Manky Viking Detritus Causes Accident In Tony Robinson’s Underpants

Probably used in some sort of ritual

A set of undergarments which once belonged to Britain’s foremost archaeologist, TV’s Tony Robinson, are now in the hands of expert conservators who hope to eventually restore them to how they may well have looked moments before he heard about the discovery of the nation’s first intact Viking burial.

The previously undisturbed grave at Ardlawurthat in the West Highlands – which excavators, inevitably, say is “high status” – contains such priceless artefacts as a manky clod of rusty soil which might once have been an axe head; two manky clods of rusty soil which, when put next to each other in a certain way, could conceivably resemble the rusty remains of a sword; and a bent, sharp bronze thing, which was reliably described as “incredibly beautiful”.

“Oo ahh, this burial moight well of ‘appened over 1,000 year ago,” explained Mr Robinson’s esteemed Time Team colleague, Dr Phil Harding. “Well, ‘less o’ course there be a load o’ Voykens secretly rampagin’ roun’ Scotland in a minibus. Where’s moy beer?”

Professor Mick Aston, however, was far more interested in Tony Robinson’s soiled undercrackers, which he unearthed whilst excavating the contents of an early 21st-century laundry basket. “If yow look carefully at the elastic there are clear soyns of stretching, which soogests that whoever last wore thayse oonderpants moost have been in quoite a hoory to remowve them,” he enthused, his hair waving in excitement. “What moyt thayse stoyns on the froont bay? Oy can’t woyt to hear the lab report, Tonay.”

Metal Detector Finds Britain’s Lost Money

Wiltshire metal-detectorist Dave Crisp revealed today that he stumbled upon the location of all the money Britain lost when the economy collapsed two years ago.

“I were surrchin, this ‘ere field near Frome, where ‘um tauks funny, when I ‘eared this ‘beep beep’ noise in moy ears,” grunted a beaming Mr Crisp. “Wossat, I fort, then it dorned on oi. ‘Yew daffy ole worzel, Dave,’ oi sed tur meselve, ‘Yew’m wurrin’ they fancy ‘edphones, r’memburr?’ Zo oi digged an’ oi digged, an bugger me if I din’ fine thiz ‘ere ole pot. Look, ‘ee be stamped ‘Property of Royal Bank Of Scotland’ roight ‘ere unner the rim.”

The pot is thought by experts to date back as far as 2008, and its contents have been valued by self-loving orange prick David Dickinson at “possibly a hundred million billion trillion pounds, if you’re lucky enough to find a collector.”

The Queen has already sent a message of congratulation to Mr Crisp from Macy’s in New York, which was personally delivered by a detachment of heavily-armed Household Cavalry. She also mentioned that all treasure trove that is dug out of Britain’s soil legally belongs to the Crown.

Her Majesty was last seen heading for Washington, DC, where President Barack Obama is reported to be preparing to grant her asylum in return for half of it.

Make-Up Wearing Neanderthals 'Not Halfwits', Say Archaeologists: 'More Like Vain, Self-Absorbed Airheads'

We may have to revise our preconceived opinions of the Neanderthal branch of humanity, say archaeologists who have discovered evidence that our Stone Age rivals used make-up to adorn themselves.

The team discovered shells marked with pigment residues at two sites in southern Spain, which they claim form compelling evidence that modern humans were not the only hominid species capable of vanity.

"Our findings conclusively demolish the old myths about hairy, halfwitted ape-men and women," insisted Professor Joao Zilhao of Bristol University. "We can now picture a touchingly-familiar Neanderthal domestic scene, with the male of the cavehold exasperatedly calling for his mate to hurry up and get ready before the bison herd moves on, as she blithely carries on applying her eyeliner with a club."

The archaeological world is now considering the implications of the discovery regarding the extinction of the Neanderthal race.

"Could it be that these tribes died out because they ended up spending all their time applying primitive wax strips to remove their thick, matted body hair?" mused Professor Tony Robinson, Emeritus Chair of Anthropology at More4 University. "Or were they all stung to death by angry bees? Find out after the break!"

You Have a Woman's Skull, Mein Führer

Adolf Hitler is alive and well and planning to unleash an unstoppable army of fanatical Nazi clones on a defenceless world, warned an archaeologist who claims that a bullet-pierced skull fragment long believed to belong to the evil dictator is in fact that of a woman.

"At the end o' the worr, a weary world needed to know that the corrs of so much inhuman suffering were, loike, definitely dead 'n' gone, oo arr," explained Phil from Time Team, an acknowledged expert on holes in the ground who carries an unrivalled collection of 206 assorted human bones around with him at all times. "So they Russians prodooced a few charred bits o' bone, everyone agreed they looked distinctly like Hitler and moved on."

"But 'twere orl a terrible case of wishful thinkin', loike," he warned. "That there 'itler chap, 'e probbly slipped out o' Germany amid all the chaos, mebbe entertainin' unsuspectin' British troops boi doin' Charlie Chaplin impressions in a tourin' concert party. Roight now, there moight be an embittered 120-year-old führer sittin' insoide an extinct volcano, puttin' the final touches to his insane plans to establish a Fourth Reich. Moine's a point o' scrumpy, Mick."

Wavering Labour grandee Lord Mandelson seized on the announcement with glee, humbly offering his services to any right-wing loony who might be running things in a year's time. However, World War II experts have reacted with caution to Phil from Time Team's astonishing claim.

"Interesting though this muddy bumpkin's theory may be, we cannot completely discount the possibility that the führer may simply have been a woman who went to unusual lengths to explain away a tragic facial hair problem," said the renowned war historians, Peter and Dan Snow, releasing a swarm of miniature blue and red armies from a large mapcase on the bonnet of a Range Rover. "That might explain a few things."

"Blimey," said the world's leading historyologist, Tony Robinson, turning to a graphic design flunky with a laptop. "Imagine Hitler with tits."

Metal Detectorist Saves UK Economy

A man with a metal detector has been offered Alistair Darling's job, after his diligent searching in a field in Staffordshire uncovered a hoard of Anglo-Saxon gold which may stave off Britain's impending bankruptcy for a week or two.

The unprecedented 7th-century hoard, thought to be worth millions of pounds - or maybe even as much as 500 euros - was quickly put in an insured, postage-paid envelope and posted to www.CashMyGold.co.uk, where its scrap value will be assessed and a cheque for a third of the amount sent to the government.

55-year-old Terry Herbert briefly stopped off at 11 Downing Street to collect his shiny Chancellor's badge before setting off with his equipment for the Treasury - where officials are confident that he will detect any pounds which may be hidden in drawers under a pile of paperclips, or have fallen down behind vending machines.

Lost City Unearthed

The remains of an entire ancient city have been uncovered on the remote Atlantic coast of Devon, say excited archaeologists.

The city is thought to date from the Lary culture which ruled Britain in the mid-1980s, although some structures may date back as far as the 1950s.

The city - which was abandoned and buried by successive governments - shows macabre evidence of human sacrifice, with tens of thousands of victims of defence cuts unceremoniously dumped on the rubbish tip.

Excavators say the city enjoyed a once-thriving maritime culture, but its primitive rulers maintained a rigid, short-sighted attitude that failed to change with the times, resulting in cultural and economic stagnation. The city died a lingering death, and its forgotten inhabitants degenerated into a life of savage ignorance.

Among the rare finds that have been uncovered are ceramics (in the form of thousands of empty glasses and bottles), unfashionable cheap clothing bearing a variety of logos of yesteryear, and the remains of a young woman, still poignantly clutching a pregnancy testing kit.

The media were briefly stirred by the momentous discovery and hastily checked Wikipedia for references to the tragic lost city of Plymouth, before forgetting all about it again for another couple of thousand years.

Stonehenge Revealed as Symbol of Ice-Age Cold War

Archaeologists carrying out the biggest excavation in years at Stonehenge say they have uncovered a layer which may hold the key to the mystery of why the megalith was built.

“Sure, why not?” said Professor Timmy Team, the dig leader. “Look at this hole we’ve found. It held bluestones. We think they were like Redstones – a stone-age form of ballistic missile. This would imply that Stonehenge was some kind of doomsday weapon, in which grunting Neanderthal druid people would threaten their peaceful comedy neighbours, the Flintstones, with huge stone missiles - which would hurtle through the air and land with a pretty devastating thud, several yards away. Or something. Prove it didn’t happen. You can’t! I’ve got a degree in stuff - so if I say that’s what happened, then that’s what happened, OK?

"Now let’s go over to Phil, who’s dressed up as a Roman soldier trying to drive a steam engine.”