Now Google Can See You Wanking To Hitler In The Privacy Of Your Own Back Garden, Daily Mail Warns Readers

And, of course, it may give you cancer

A horrified Daily Mail has warned that Google and Apple are using ex-USAF SR-71 spy planes to overfly its readers’ secluded gardens at Mach 3, for the sole purpose of taking intimate photos of them with their SS trousers around their ankles as they innocently masturbate over pictures of their beloved Adolf Hitler.

“These sick images are so detailed that everyone on the internet will be able to tell at a glance whether the subject is circumcised or not,” shrieked editor Paul Dacre, who has suddenly lost all enthusiasm for the argument that those who have nothing to hide have nothing to fear. “Their photos of you, I mean, not your photos of Hitler.”

Facebook Starting To Regret Jumping Without Parachute

So long, Zuckers

As it plummets earthward at increasing speed, Facebook is showing signs of having second thoughts about the wisdom of leaping heroically into the stock markets without the benefit of a parachute.

“We jumped under the impression that we were going to float off into the wild blue yonder, thanks to the remarkable self-inflating valuation designed for us by thrill-seeking underwriters, Acme Bank,” posted Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg breathlessly, as he rapidly approached terminal velocity. “But the dotcom boom we were hoping to land on is getting closer every second, and now I can distinctly make out the words ‘Class Action’.”

“It’s looking uncomfortably like we’re about to be splattered messily all over the front pages,” he shared moments later. “Goodbye, cool world.”

Government To Buy Crashed P-40 For Navy

The crashed Curtiss P-40 discovered in the Egyptian desert after 70 years is to be purchased for the nation, restored to flying condition and assigned to the Royal Navy’s carrier fleet, little Richard Hammond told the House of Commons today.

Just the thing

“This historic pile of scrap is not just a tribute to a generation of heroes who willingly gave their lives in the nation’s hour of greatest need,” explained the diminutive defence secretary. “Bolt a hook on the back and hey presto, it perfectly matches for our fleet requirements for a strike fighter. Pity it wasn’t a Firefly, though. They came with a dinghy thrown in free.”

Mr Hammond also expressed the hope that diligent searchers would eventually discover what happened to missing pilot Dennis Copping, who apparently walked away from the crash site.

“As I see it, Flight Sergeant Copping deliberately went AWOL,” he announced, “When he turns up, I reckon the least he can do to make amends is to train a new generation of naval pilots in P-40 operations.”

Cameron To Resurrect Nimrod AEW For Carrier Fleet

After years of indecision about which version of the F-35 fighter – the one that melts a hole in the deck, or the one that will merely fall off the end of it - is worst suited to Britain’s future aircraft carrier fleet, David Cameron today shackled the nation to everlasting penury by reordering the notorious Nimrod AEW Mk3 for the Fleet Air Arm instead.

“The AEW Nimrod project was one of the most colossal wastes of time, money and effort in aviation history,” commented the Nev Filter’s resident plane-spotter, Neville Mann. “To this day, nobody knows just how much of Britain's dwindling post-war wealth was flung into a bottomless pit by successive governments as British Aerospace and Ferranti executives grinned like wanking Japs every year and promised to shoehorn a sodding great Boeing E-3 into a second-hand airliner half its size, if they could just have one more teeny-weeny blank cheque.”

Best of all, it guarantees British jobs

While the Royal Navy has no operational requirement for a massive airborne early warning system, since the MoD ended up buying the Boeings they could have been operating for 17 years, Mr Cameron has been reassured by eager BAe chiefs that it is entirely possible to hang a missile off each wing and pretend the bulbous, sluggish white elephant represents the last word in air superiority. Other critical missions for which the lumbering money sink can be readily adapted include wallowing along at zero feet whilst redundant AEW sysops lob hand grenades through the nosewheel bay, keeping BAe executives in the luxury to which they are accustomed, and exploding in mid-air, killing everyone on board.

“Of course, there may be minor teething problems in that, with a wingspan of 115ft and tipping the scales at 85 tonnes, the Nimrod is totally incapable of operating from our carriers,” conceded Mr Cameron. “Then again, nor is the F-35. But the important thing that the taxpayer needs to keep in mind is that the Nimrod is, of course, 100% British.”

“In fact, BAe have just emailed me to say it’s now 1000% British,” he added proudly.

Modern Coventry Strangely Unfamiliar With Aircraft, Bombs And Ground Tremors

Not an earthquake

The inhabitants of Coventry are to be asked exactly why they think their city is a concrete shithole before being sat down for a little chat with their grandparents, after flooding Twitter yesterday with unprecedented ignorance of their own past when an RAF jet went supersonic.

“You might think that, having become a byword for indiscriminate death and destruction raining down from the skies, Coventry might know at least some of the key characteristics of bombs, tremors and aeroplanes,” sighed a Ministry of Defence spokesman. “For the benefit of the internet generation, let me recap. The telltale sign of an earthquake is things falling over, not a loud bang. If things fall over and there’s a loud bang, it could be a bomb. If there’s a loud bang but nothing falls over, well, that would be one of our planes doing Mach 1.”

“We do try not to do it too often,” he apologised, “Because you’re idiots.”

RAF To Buy Whole New Aeroplane

David Cameron has given the Royal Air Force permission to purchase an entire new aeroplane, and a very impressive one it is too.

There could even be room for a couple of penguins

The aeroplane – which will increase the RAF’s fleet of ex-rental C-17 Globemaster III heavy-lift transports to a fearsome eight – is necessary for the humanitarian evacuation of civilians and sheep from tiny war zones 8,000 miles away in the South Atlantic whose runway is not quite long enough to handle chartered civil airliners, explained the prime minister.

A spokesman for the big aeroplane’s manufacturers commented: “After a hiatus of 67 years, Boeing and the United States are glad to once again be sending the mighty 8th over to help Britain’s war effort. As previously, we’ll send you the bill later.”

Meanwhile, overjoyed RAF top brass are busy preparing a massive recruitment campaign for two pilots and a loadmaster.

Messerschmitt 109 Was Jewish, Claims Mail On Sunday

Sneaky strong-leadership advocate Adolf Hitler blatantly thieved the design of the Messerschmitt 109 fighter from a Jewish paper-dart enthusiast, according to a sensational claim in the Mail On Sunday which could rewrite the entire history of the 20th century.

To a trained pilot, there's no difference whatsoever

Lazy academics have, until now, unquestioningly swallowed Nazi propaganda identifying Dipl-Ing Willi Messerschmitt as the man who copied out Hitler’s supposedly original blueprint for the fearsome spearhead of the Blitzkrieg. However, according to motoring journalist and therefore, by extension, world-class historian Paul Pieschpoord – who, by sheer coincidence, has a book out which he would quite like you to buy – the aircraft’s true designer was none other than bored Yiddish accountant’s clerk Samuel Cohen, whose major contributions to the field of aeronautics were subsequently covered up by Hitler’s henchmen.

“Immediately following his rise to power, Hitler’s SA thugs were ordered to scour all of the rubbish in the Reich, looking for brilliant ideas to steal,” explained Pieschpoord earnestly. “It’s a well-known fact that the V2 missile, for example, was simply a scaled-up cocktail shaker based on a rejected sketch found in a bin round the back of the Bauhaus.”

Pieschpoord pointed out the exact similarity of the Cohen and Hitler fighter designs, both of which unmistakeably share two wings and a tail fin, and called on aviation historians to refer to the design from now on solely as the Cohen Ch109.

Americans Still Not Entirely Clear On Definition Of ‘Insanely Dangerous’

Preserving aviation heritage, USA-style

As three Americans paid the ultimate price - with scores more suffering injuries - for standing under irreplaceable 70-year-old aircraft and watching highly-experienced idiots slam the throttles of their vintage engines into the red and cheerfully haul their fragile historic artifacts into maximum-G turns, a shocked America is asking itself whether its current definition of ‘insanely dangerous’ might possibly need some revision.

“In the field of aviation history, there are two prevailing schools of thought,” explained Wing Commander James Bigglesworth of the RAF Museum, Hendon. “One holds that, with the exception of careful demonstration flights by lavishly-maintained examples of the more common types, these priceless relics of the epic struggle against Nazism and unprovoked aggression should be preserved in climate-controlled buildings for future generations to appreciate and understand. And the other says let’s thrash these fuckers until they break.”

“For the non-technically minded, imagine that you are fascinated by the 18th century tableware of Josiah Wedgewood,” he explained helpfully. “You are accustomed to seeing delicate examples of china being kept safely in glass display cabinets, but then you go to Reno Museum and are horrified to see its exquisite Wedgewood collection being employed in a reckless attempt to smash the world record for simultaneous plate-spinning.”

“Hell, shit happens,” commented a spokesman, on this black day for the US warbird-wrecking industry. “But what the heck, we still got 203 Mustangs to play with.”

Giant New RAF Plane Has Exits Here, Here And Here

Squaddies will be able to play Call Of Duty all the way to the war

The RAF proudly unveiled its largest-ever aircraft to the world’s media today, insisting that it was a starship called Voyager and certainly not a bog-standard Airbus A330 airliner with a couple of spare fuel tanks bolted on.

The fleet of 14 Airb- Voyagers will replace the RAF’s knackered old VC10s and Tristars - which had to be retired due to the soaring cost of string - and will be paid for by you and your children on the never-never, or PFI as it is jokingly referred to in government circles.

“On behalf of Group Captain Janeway, let me welcome you aboard the Airb- Voyager, which is 58.6m long with a wingspan of 60.3m, has a range of nearly 6,000 miles and is capable of carrying almost 300 troops in economy class or 120 air vice-marshals in business first,” enthused busty Flight Lieutendant Seven Of Nine, as reporters eagerly crowded aboard the Airb- Voyager looking for the duty-free trolley and hoping to cop a quick feel .

The Airb- Voyager then took off from RAF Gatwick for a short flight around the Delta Quadrant, from which it is expected to return in about 75 years.

French Investigators Still Not Sure Why French Airliner Crashed

Carrier Costs Rise To Accommodate Aircraft Britain Can’t Afford

Well, admirals can have dreams too, you know

The costs of the Royal Navy’s two aircraft carriers currently under construction have risen by at least £1bn, the Ministry of Defence admitted today, taking into account the major redesign work needed for the Joint Strike Fighter that Britain can’t afford to buy.

“This is an unforeseen additional cost which has only arisen because the plane we originally designed the carriers around has never worked, can’t work and will never work,” confessed Admiral John Byng. “Consequently we’re having to redesign the flight decks to launch and land the version of the plane that can and indeed does apparently work. Unfortunately, that’s the one that needs a bloody long flight deck, because the VTOL version we based the entire project around will keep burning sodding great holes in the deck, and once it does get airborne it has to land immediately because it’s just used up all of its fuel taking off.”

“Not that it matters,” he chuckled, “Because even the basic bread-and-butter model is so extravagantly expensive that we had to choose between the planes or the carriers, and for strategic reasons we chose the carriers because that means more sailors for us to give orders to. Of course, now we can’t even afford both carriers, so we’re putting one of them on eBay, BNIB. Somebody’s going to pick up a real bargain, because we’re starting the bids at 1p to take advantage of eBay’s cheaper listing policy. You see, contrary to popular opinion, us chaps at the MoD really do have the taxpayer’s interests at heart.”

So far, however, ministry sources have been unable to confirm whether the bargain-basement carrier on offer will be capable of handling real aircraft or imaginary ones.

Air Crash Bodies Say France Definitely Not Responsible For Their Deaths

France has announced that its search team has found bodies in a section of the Air France airliner that crashed in mid-Atlantic in 2009, adding that several of them clearly died clutching hastily-written notes to the windows that absolutely exonerate France from any blame for their untimely demise.

Of course, the wreckage could be an elaborate hoax

“I regret zat our magnificent search ‘as not located ze black boxes of Flight 447, which ‘ave undoubtedly been eaten by ze fabulous squid énorme,” said environment minister Nathalie Kosciusko-Morizet. “In zair absence, ‘owever, ze testimony of zose aboard ze doomed Airbus must count vair ‘ighly in ze apportionment of ze blame.”

“One bloated corpse can be seen ‘olding ze serviette to ze window, bearing ze message: ‘Eef by some miracle I get out of zees alive, I would ‘appily fly Air France again wizout ‘esitation’,” she quoted. “Anozzer spent ze final moments of ‘er earthly existence writing ‘Typical - ze shitty British-manufactured wings ‘ave bose fallen off, isn’t it’.”

“I do not wish to pre-empt ze official Bureau d'Enquêtes et d'Analyses report into ze causes of ze crash,” the minister went on confidently, “But, as ever, eet ees patently obvious zat any so-called failings in French aircraft design, manufacture and operation exist solely in ze fevered imaginations of ze evil Anglo-Saxon accident investigation experts.”

“Zut,” she added for no apparent reason.

French Admit One Of Their Planes May Actually Fall Short Of Utter Perfection

The computer is your friend. Can you doubt the computer?

French manufacturer Airbus Industrie today took the unprecedented step of admitting that one of their designs may actually not be the very embodiment of perfection itself, after an insane computer threw the 49 helpless passengers and crew of a BMI-operated A321 airliner all over the skies of the Middle East for several minutes. Their terrifying ordeal ended only when the pilot bravely pulled out its memory chips one by one, regressing it to a state of infantile imbecility.

“For some unknown - but presumably entirely valid - reason, ze marvellous HAL 9000 computer aboard zees aircraft seems to ‘ave decided to kill everyone,” said a red-faced Airbus official. “Our standard policy of blaming everything on ze dead pilots cannot be applied, as unfortunately in zees instance ze plane was inconveniently brought down in one piece. Furthermore, thanks to ze interference of ze meddling British air accident investigators, regrettably ze black boxes ‘ave been recovered.”

“It appears from ze data zat, instead of ze recommended procedure when all ze alarms go off at once and ze plane locks ze crew out of ze flight controls, in zees instance zey reacted by recklessly dismantling ze poor computer,” he explained angrily.

“It is still inanely singing ‘Frère Jacques’ to itself,” he added. “I hope zey are pleased wiz zemselves.”

Airbus has been left with no option but to issue a warning to all operators of the best-selling A320 series that the onboard computer may, under certain circumstances, choose to kill the passengers and crew, and advises pilots that it probably has good reasons for doing so and should therefore be left to carry out its mission undisturbed.

Boeing Flatliner Finally Lands At Farnborough After Three-Year Delay

Plane spotters were thrilled by the first UK appearance of Boeing’s 787 - nicknamed the Flatliner - when the new airliner finally landed at the Farnborough Air Show after being slightly delayed by three years.

“I gotta tell ya straight - the 787 done missed its slot, back along when the airlines still had the cash to throw around,” confessed a Boeing sales rep called Hi I’m Bud. “It’s been in a holding pattern ever since, jes’ waitin’ for the global economy ta buck up. But after three years of goin’ round an’ round in circles, we hadda declare a fuel emergency - ‘cause if we wait any longer, we’ll never be able to pay for filling the damn thing up again.”

The Flatliner may look exactly like every other airliner since 1957 but, thanks to its flimsier construction, it uses slightly less fuel than the other airliners it looks exactly like, said Hi.

“Yessir!” he proclaimed, wiping beads of sweat from his brow as a middle-aged beardy man with binoculars wandered into Boeing’s lavish corporate hospitality tent. “When you’re savin’ 50 gallons on each and every flight, why, in no time at all you’ll recoup the $180m you laid out on this sleek mama! And boy, do we got crazy P-X deals to die for, or what? Did I say ‘die’? Atta air show, f’chrissakes? That shows ya how crazy I am! Tell ya what – why don’t ah take that rusty ol’ A380 clunker off yore hands for ya, buddy, an’ I’ll give ya a full 20% discount off the sticker price on the windshield! Whaddya say, ma friend? Do we got a deal?”

After some hard-headed bargaining, the determined Mr Hi finally made his sale.

“For the keys to my mum’s old Y-reg Daewoo, I’m walking away with a brand new intercontinental airliner,” chuckled a delighted Mr Martin Handasyde, 54. “But between you, me and the gatepost, all I was really after is this fantastic limited-edition ‘B-17 Flying Fortress’ flying jacket which he threw in as a sweetener.”

“I’m not actually 100% sure the Flatliner will fit in mum’s drive, to be honest,” he reflected, as Hi I’m Bud hastily zipped up the tent-flap. “Do you think I could mount it on a plinth in the back garden? It’ll give the neighbours something to look at.”

BAe Chooses Perfect Moment To Unveil Ruinously Expensive Toy

Just as defence secretary Dr Liam Fox confirmed that Britain’s pensioners would be far better looked-after by throwing huge wads of money at the MoD than by retaining any meaningful form of public healthcare, leading arms manufacturer British Aerospace triumphantly removed the wraps from the Toypenis, its latest £142m radio-controlled plane.

“Blah… blah… government resolve… blah… shape a changing world… blah blah… stay the course… blah… hard power - oh god, I’ve come in my pants,” gasped the defence minister, as he saw the obscenely pointless drone aircraft for the first time.

"The Toypenis boasts a full array of stealth technology, powerful engines, surveillance sensors, bombs, missiles and other sexual organs specifically designed to induce multiple orgasms in military personnel," announced a smiling BAe death merchant, as Britain’s top brass enthusiastically polluted themselves.

“Of course, we won’t know if it actually flies until next year, when we try switching it on,” he added. “But that’s a minor issue. What’s important is that, in military terminology, this thing has the most mouth-wateringly perky breasts you’ve ever seen on an airframe.”

New Old Evidence in Mull of Kintyre Crash 'Isn't New Evidence At All Because It's Old Evidence, See?' Claims MoD

The Ministry of Defence has discounted new evidence - which the BBC claims to have discovered - concerning the crash of an RAF Chinook helicopter full of intelligence staff in 1994, which points the finger of blame at defective engine management software.

One internal document, written by experts at the MoD's aircraft testing centre at Boscombe Down nine months before the doomed machine crashed on Mull of Kintyre, killing all on board, states unequivocally that the Fadec software was "positively dangerous". Another, written on the day of the crash, said it was "imperative" that the RAF "should cease operations" with the Chinook HC Mk.2.

Following the disaster, both an RAF Board of Inquiry and a Fatal Accident Inquiry were unable to establish the exact cause of the crash. However, a couple of RAF Air Marshals subsequently decided that the media were still asking inconvenient questions and that the two pilots - Flt Lts John Tapper and Richard Cook - were conveniently dead, and therefore unable to deny that they were probably playing a drunken game of Strip the Willow or something in the cockpit, when they should have been looking out for small but extremely solid islands.

However, the MoD is so far refusing to reconsider the verdict, claiming that the new evidence does not warrant re-examination of the case.

"This evidence is nothing new, as the relatives of the scapegoats - sorry, useless aircrew - have been claiming for donkey's years that the Fadec engine management software was to blame," said a RAF spokesman. "For that matter, most of this so-called 'new' evidence was published in Computer Weekly last June. And old evidence isn't new evidence - it's old evidence, which obviously isn't any kind of evidence at all, do you understand?"

"Look, I knew Richard Tapper and John Cook personally, and I can tell you for a fact that they were a couple of daredevil headcases who never once climbed into a cockpit sober," added the young pilot officer. "So just drop it, OK?"

He then offered to arrange transport home for the reporters present, in a Chinook HC Mk.2 which just happened to be waiting outside.

Obama Acts On Deadly Underpants Man Threat To National Security

US President Barack Obama has ordered an urgent review of airline security after a wealthy Nigerian deliberately set fire to his underpants on a transatlantic flight, subjecting fellow-passengers to the harrowing smell of singed pubes.

23-year-old Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was carried off the plane on a stretcher, screaming and clutching his smouldering knackers, after the bomb he had sewn into his trolleys failed to explode to his satisfaction. Embarrassed US homeland security officials must now explain why they allowed the former engineering student to obtain a visa after his father, a rich Nigerian banker, had warned them that his son was a dangerous fundamentalist loony.

"We're currently sifting through the contents of our spam folders, which might take a while," said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs. "At this stage of the investigation, we're focused on the possibility that the words 'wealthy', 'Nigerian' and 'banker' were identified by spam filters as just another invitation to divulge our bank account details to fraudsters."

If the US government turns its spam filter off, say IT experts, tens of thousands of extra staff will have to be employed to read all incoming emails - possibly creating a backlog that will cripple entire departments.

Meanwhile, long-suffering passengers at major airports all over the world face the additional inconvenience of having their underwear forcibly removed and shot by trained security staff.

138 Million More Pigs Using Heathrow Every Year Won't Affect Environment, Say Climate Change Experts

Europe's prime ministers and presidents are said to be planning to surround Gordon Brown with 'wanker' hand gestures when they all get together next week for the usual media photo opportunity at the Copenhagen climate summit, on hearing that Britain would be going ahead with plans to add a third runway to Heathrow Airport just as Mr Brown was telling the rest of Europe to cut down on its carbon emissions.

The British government's Committee On Climate Change today announced that adding an extra 50% capacity to Europe's busiest airport would not harm the country's carbon targets at all. The independent committee was set up to advise the government on climate policy, and includes internationally-recognised authorities of the calibre of Lord Airbus, Mr Ryan Air and American environmental campaigner Bo E. Ing.

"The ignorant layman might think that several hundred more flights a day, each spewing out burnt hydrocarbons by the tonne, might have some detrimental effect on Britain's pollution levels," said Lord Airbus. "But it will be entirely feasible to compensate for this small increase in the nation's carbon footprint, for example by merely turning off all domestic electricity and gas supplies."

"And banning cars," he added.

"The committee recognises that the necessary adjustments might meet with resistance from some quarters," he explained, "But it's not our fault if selfish individuals want heat and light as well as citybreak weekends and two weeks in Florida. We were asked to come up with an excuse for allowing Heathrow to swallow up even more of the south east, and that's exactly what we've done."

Meanwhile, European leaders are somewhat miffed with the British PM for lecturing them on the need to cut their greenhouse emissions, whilst blithely increasing his own.

"Eet ees not unlike a man wiz diarrhoea getting on ze bus, dropping 'is trousers and pebbledashing 'is fellow passengers wiz ze terrible stinky shit, zen telling zem zey could really use a bath," said French PM Nicolas Sarkozy angrily.

German chancellor Angela Merkel agreed, promising: "Ven ze hypocritical bastard Brown stands up to spout his usual hot air, ze room vill be filled mit ze sound of all ze other delegates coughing 'Wanker!' into ze microphones."

Meanwhile, President Obama is reported to be tickled pink that, for once, the circled-finger-and-thumb of blame will not be waved at the United States. White House sources indicate that he has been busy practicing the gesture himself, with the aid of a portrait of his predecessor in the Oval office.

Airliners to Generate All Carbon Emissions By 2050

In order to meet the UK's targets for carbon emission reductions whilst allowing for growth in the aviation industry, everybody's domestic electricity and gas will be cut off and road vehicles banned by the year 2050, according to the government's advisory committee on climate change.

"In the future, the only carbon emissions will come from the queues of zeppelin-sized airliners stacked in holding patterns above Britain's airports, hoping for a landing slot to become available," said committee chair Adair Turner. "To keep this vital industry alive, everybody will have to sacrifice their lighting, heating, food preparation, home entertainment and personal transport. You'll still be able to fly to anywhere in the world whenever you feel like it, of course, only you'll have to walk to the airport first."

"It's either this, or give up your annual two-week piss-up in the Med," he added. "Unless, perhaps, you don't mind a brisk swim across the Channel, followed by a trans-continental hike."

A spokesman for the aviation industry pointed out that the airlines would not be exempt from having to make savage cuts themselves to meet any new, stringent climate agreements which might, unlikely though it may seem, be thrashed out by ministers in Copenhagen this December.

"Our long-cherished dreams of passenger-carrying rockets criss-crossing the world's oceans, burning up skyscraper-sized tanks of liquid hydrogen, have regrettably been put on the back burner once again," he sighed. "Similarly, our hopes of renting individual jet-packs to travellers have been cruelly dashed by the wicked lies whispered into the ears of gullible ministers by the evil environmentalist lobby."

"If those beardy-weirdy tree-huggers get their way, you'll never be able to charter your own personal LearJet for that tranquil weekend getaway in the Lake District," he warned holidaymakers.

MoD Guilty of 'Repairs', Alleges Father of Dead Hero

The Ministry of Defence has been criticised for repairing a helicopter, in a withering blast from the angry father of a soldier killed by a mine in Afghanistan - a man whose tragic loss has not only put him above all criticism, but has made him one of the world's foremost experts on helicopter maintenance.

Ian Sadler, of Exmouth, says he fainted in shock when he happened upon the shameful truth - in a letter written to him by the MoD - that a Chinook helicopter whose tail-mounted engine was damaged in a landing accident had its rear fuselage replaced in 2003 with parts from another machine captured in the Falklands War, and has been operating normally ever since.

"Everyone I have told about the helicopter being a 'cut and shut' has responded with disbelief, before walking off making circle signs around their temples with their fingers in a clear display of disgust at the lunacy of the MoD," said a purple-faced Mr Sadler. "It is penny pinching and an insult to the young men who are going to Afghanistan and risking, and losing, their lives. What they ought to have done, if they had a shred of responsibility, is to throw the damn thing away and buy another one, like you do when your car fails its MOT."

"How dare these bastards even think of repairing damaged aircraft?" he continued as he shook his fist at a small child building a sandcastle. "It's only a sheer bloody miracle that the tail hasn't fallen off this rattling deathtrap, spilling our brave lads out into thin air to be splattered all over the rocky terrain of the Afghan theatre of operations. Never mind that this is standard operating procedure in the military units of the world, or that the repair was carried out by highly-qualified RAF engineers, extensively air-tested and signed off by the manufacturers."

"When my wing mirror got snapped off, I had my last car towed down the scrapheap immediately and bought a new one," shouted Mr Sadler to an elderly couple on the Exmouth seafront. "Anything less would be an insult to my poor dead son."