They’ll Be Forcing Us To Wear Crosses Next, Warns ‘Holocaust’ Carey

Goose-stepping secular thugs are brutally oppressing Christians every single day in Atheist Britain, according to a shocking exposé which Lord George Carey has submitted to the Daily Telegraph Court of Human Rights.

“Only the other day, a defenceless Christian registrar was ordered at gunpoint by jackbooted atheists to conduct a humiliating civil partnership for two burly, grunting lesbians while the British public just looked on and let it happen,” the former archbishop warned a shocked world. “And what about the suffering of the faithful Christian who was - quite literally - kicked out of his job at Relate merely for expressing his sincerely-held belief that the only relationship counselling buggers need is a graphic description of the exquisite torments awaiting them in the fires of hell?”

Richard Dawkins responds to Lord Carey's concerns

Lord Carey went on to paint a grim picture of show trials conducted by baying atheists, terrified believers being ordered to remove Christian images from public spaces with a toothbrush and officious railway unbelievers forcing pinch-faced Christians to share hideously overcrowded cattle-class carriages with the damned.

“You mark my words, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if one of the jumped-up little dictators who interfere in every aspect of decent Christians’ lives nowadays didn’t come out with some sinister demand that Christians should wear a cross to identify themselves at all times,” he told reporters at a secret underground crypt.

Moments later, his outspoken friend and colleague Cardinal Keith O’Brien gave the coded knock and collapsed into the oppressed believers’ sanctuary with horribly burned ears.

Reader Offer: Tour Poland With That Well-Known Historian of Conviction, David Ihrwung!

As autumn segues gently into a communist-inspired winter of discontent, why not follow in the bootsteps of millions of happy Germans and march east, for a nostalgic tour of Poland’s leading wartime tourism sites – with expert guidance from historian David Ihrwung?

Tour itinerary:

Day 1: Tour the remains of the historic Warsaw Ghetto, a vibrant community created by public-spirited Jews in an effort to address Gentile neighbours’ concerns about the stench by sectioning off a quarter in the city for their own exclusive use.

Hide-and-seek - the Warsaw Ghetto held the world record

David Ihrwung says: “Jews are great social animals, so what better way to mix and catch up with the latest news and gossip than to have your friends and neighbours actually move in with you? In the Ghetto, as many as 12 happy Jews would regularly share a single room, liberated from the tiresome customs the goys inflicted upon them, like washing and cleaning. Here in the Ghetto they were free, for example, to erect their traditional mounds of rotting foreskins on every street corner, as required by their primitive, fetishistic religion. The Ghetto had its heyday in 1943, after which increasing numbers of residents took advantage of Germany’s newly-built chain of ‘Hitlins’ camps.”

Day 2: Visit a typical ‘Hitlins’ holiday camp at Treblinka. Millions of Jews flocked from all over Europe to stay at one of Billy Hitlin’s many fun-filled holiday centres. Travel by well-ventilated rolling stock right into Hitlins Treblinka, where you’ll see where some of the picturesque communal huts used to stand, ringing with the laughter and singing of their carefree occupants. Don’t miss the neighbouring activity centre, where holidaying Jews and their children engaged side-by-side in healthy, enjoyable pastimes such as excavating gravel, sorting clothes and digging some of the world’s biggest irrigation ditches.

Don't miss the scenic stepping-stone trail

David Ihrwung says: “Jews enjoyed their stay at Hitlins Treblinka so much, they never went anywhere else afterwards. It really was ‘the ultimate destination’!”

Day 3: A trip to the very heart of philanthropist Billy Hitlin’s organisation – The Wolf’s Lair! Gaily donning the costume of the lovable Hitlins mascot, Willy Wolf, David Ihrwung will show you where all of the big decisions were made, including the organisation’s glorious launch of popular franchises in France, the Low Countries, Denmark and Norway before its expansion eastwards. Every visitor will be encouraged to dress up in authentic period costume and imagine how they, too, might have tackled Billy Hitlin’s sinister former business partner, Uncle Joe, after he treacherously mounted a hostile takeover bid which, sadly, brought Hitlins holiday dreams to an untimely end.

You'll feel like dear old Billy Hitlin never left!

Willy Wolf says: “Hi gang! Welcome to Billy Hitlin's head office, set in a luxuriant forest playground! Who’s for a thrilling game of pass-the-parcel with Stauffenberg, the hilarious one-armed clown? It’s a BLAST!”

Day 4: Foodies will love a trip to Hitlins Auschwitz, another once-bustling holiday centre which, in its heyday, was the home of Europe’s largest bakery. And why not take the opportunity to freshen up in the on-site showers, after a hard day’s travel?

Mm-mm! Cake, anyone?

David Ihrwung says: “Those ovens are so big, you could bake a Jew in them! Er… not that anyone ever would, of course.”

(SAFETY NOTE: Visitors are advised to wear hard hats when visiting the historic gates, as Polish scrap-metal archaeologists may be conducting renovation work in the area.)

Day 5 onwards: We return to Warsaw for an open-ended stay, with a visit to the city’s law courts. You will be able to observe – and perhaps even participate in! – an unmissable show trial re-enactment, in which Polish civil rights group Otwarta Rzeczpospolita tries to denounce Herr Ihrwung as a holiday denier. You may even be invited to stay with him in one of Poland’s most historic prisons!

David Ihrwung has already thrilled Austrians with his performance in court

David Ihrwung says: “Bugger. I had this problem in Austria, but it was all a long time ago.”

Desecration of Holocaust Site Considerably Less Newsworthy Than Predictably Inept English Reaction To Seasonal Weather

The appalling theft of the notorious 'Arbeit Macht Frei' sign over the gates of the Auschwitz concentration camp - possibly stolen to order for a sick neo-Nazi collector - went unnoticed in England, as people sat huddled around their televisions for warmth and shivered at unceasing reports of yet more trains, roads and airports descending into utter chaos at the first hint of winter.

"I went outside and crapped in my pants at the terrifying sight of a sprinkling of deadly snow on the garden," said banker Rob Blind from his sauna-like bedroom, where he lay huddled under three duvets. "So some ironmongery has been pinched in Poland. I reckon it was probably gypsies. What's so special about this Auschwitz place anyway?"

Pope: 'We Must Never Forget The Evil I Was Fighting To Protect'

Pope Benedict XVI has visited Jerusalem's Yad Vashem memorial and insisted that the world must never forget the Holocaust, which he really didn't know about at the time as he was far too busy shooting down Allied aircraft which were trying to bring it to an end.

The pontiff went on to call the Nazis' systematic murder of six million Jews a "horrific tragedy which somehow completely escaped my attention."

"Sadly anti-Semitism continues to rear its ugly head in many parts of the world, including right under my nose," he continued. "This is totally unacceptable. Every effort must be made to combat anti-Semitism wherever it is found."

"Unless, of course, you happen to be a member of the Hitler Youth manning a flak battery in the last-ditch defence of your country, party and führer," he added, "In which case you've probably got far too much on your plate to poke your nose into matters which don't concern you."

His Holiness then rekindled the eternal flame at the Hall of Selective Remembrance, where the names of the 22 largest concentration camps are etched into the floor.

"No, funnily enough I don't recall any of those," said God's earthly representative. "Should I have heard of them?"

Auschwitz Unknown To Fuckwits

One in four secondary schoolchildren do not know the meaning of the term 'Fuckwits', according to a survey run in conjunction with the DVD release of the Holocaust-related film, The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas.

2% of the ignorant little shits thought it was a beer, 8% said it could be a country bordering Germany, 2% fancied it was some kind of religious festival and 1% came up with the half-assed notion that it might be a type of bread. None of the drooling idiots realised that in fact it referred to them.

When shown a photograph of Adolf Hitler, however, 97% recognised the Jew-murdering fascist monster - although not necessarily in those terms, with some raising their right arms in salute. Of those who failed to recognise the most notorious face in human history, some thought the picture depicted Winston Churchill, Salvador Dali, Albert Einstein or their dad.

When shown a mirror, half of the teenage fuckwits failed to identify themselves. Of those, 40% said it might be Jade Goody, 25% thought it was Ben 10, 20% believed they were looking at a jacket potato, 10% were completely baffled and kept looking for a person behind the mirror and the remaining 5% tried to pick a fight with their own reflection.

"The Holocaust is a compulsory subject on the National Curriculum at secondary school," said a spokesman for the London Jewish Cultural Centre. "But, sadly, it seems that many of the current generation are absolutely education-proof. The horrific legacy of Fuckwits should be remembered for as long as human memory endures - unfortunately, I suspect this may only be about six seconds."

Holocaust-Denying Bishop Abducted At Gunpoint By Representatives of Poetic Justice

Concern is growing over the whereabouts of the persecuted Richard Williamson, the Holocaust-denying Roman Catholic bishop expelled from Argentina, after he was bundled into a car by armed police as soon as he set foot back in Britain.

The Pope recently lifted the bigoted bishop's excommunication for his ordination in an ultra-traditionalist breakaway faction of the Roman Catholic church - leading to a huge embarrassment for the pontiff when the bishop's controversial views were revealed.

Mystery now surrounds Bishop Williamson's whereabouts, and there has been no word from the government or the police as to why he was taken into custody on arrival in the UK.

Other deranged bigots in the UK - including large contingents from the construction and power industries, and the editorial staff of several daily newspapers - are reported to have gone into hiding, fearing for their lives.

"There's an appalling historical precedent for this kind of heavy-handed state repression against freedom of speech," said BNP councillor Paul Golding, who was recently elected to Sevenoaks council, from his secret attic hiding-place. "Although, strangely, I can't for the life of me think of it right now."

Oppression of Minorities - Never Again

The presidents of Poland and Israel have attended a moving ceremony to mark the 65th anniversary of the Warsaw Uprising, in which Jewish residents fought a futile battle against the Nazis who were trying to eradicate the Warsaw Ghetto - a small, overcrowded area sealed off from the rest of the world by walls and fences in which the Jews had been herded and left to fend for themselves as best they could, forgotten by the rest of the world.

In a moving speech, Polish president Lech Kaczynski said the world should remain vigilant in order to prevent a repeat of such horrors. Israeli president Shimon Peres said that the fighters represented the victory of humanity over bestiality. Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas didn’t say anything, because nobody invited him.