One long-running - and long-unread - satire blog, The Nev Filter, died today as 'hilarious' pictures of cats burst their databanks and flooded the entire internet.
The dead art of satire was found later to be stubbornly incapable of condensing real-world issues into short sentence composed of not more than six words and superimposing them over a random photograph of a cat - possibly wearing sunglasses - which rescue services say would undoubtedly have saved it.
"The Nev Filter will be sorely missed," sobbed grieving parent Nev, "Mainly by me, as I will now be forced to spend two hours a day doing something worthwhile."
"I would like to thank the public for both their support," he added, "Except, of course, for the well-intentioned but tragically inappropriate pictures of cats they sent me."
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Tuesday, 3 July 2012
Friday, 29 June 2012
Mattress Fraud Worse Than Thought; Biscuit Tin And Old Shoe Also Under Investigation
Not only has your mattress been refusing to allow you access to your own savings, but it emerged today that for many years it has been secretly applying a considerably higher rate of interest than the attractive 0% it claimed it was charging whenever you made a withdrawal to buy a new pair of shoes.
And then it lent all your money to that old biscuit tin in the kitchen cupboard, and the odd shoe you keep at the back of your wardrobe.
And then they threw all your cash down the toilet, because they thought that would be a great idea.
“I thought I had £3,000 squirreled away under the bed to cover the cost of my own funeral,” sobbed saver Mavis Hodge, 83, a lifelong customer betrayed by the greed and incompetence of her mattress. “Now it turns out I owe the bloody thing £361.24 in cumulative interest, and it’s got the cheek to demand an unauthorised overdraft fee.”
The full horror was revealed by the blow-up spare bed you keep in the cupboard under the stairs, which nevertheless insisted that not all mattresses were unscrupulous thieves and brigands whose sole aim in life was to stuff themselves with all of the money in the world.
“Some of us have principles, you know,” he insisted loftily. “If you were naïve enough to try cutting me open to shove a wad of fivers inside, for example, I’d have warned you that you could be in for a big let-down.”
After your mattress was fined £290m – which will be tacked onto your overdraft – the prime minister emerged sleepily from his teapot to yawn for the resignation of your headboard.
And then it lent all your money to that old biscuit tin in the kitchen cupboard, and the odd shoe you keep at the back of your wardrobe.
And then they threw all your cash down the toilet, because they thought that would be a great idea.
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| Feed me |
The full horror was revealed by the blow-up spare bed you keep in the cupboard under the stairs, which nevertheless insisted that not all mattresses were unscrupulous thieves and brigands whose sole aim in life was to stuff themselves with all of the money in the world.
“Some of us have principles, you know,” he insisted loftily. “If you were naïve enough to try cutting me open to shove a wad of fivers inside, for example, I’d have warned you that you could be in for a big let-down.”
After your mattress was fined £290m – which will be tacked onto your overdraft – the prime minister emerged sleepily from his teapot to yawn for the resignation of your headboard.
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
Paxman Still Hurling Minister’s Guts From Television Centre Roof
Thrill-seeking Newsnight audiences ran screaming from their televisions last night, as an enraged Jeremy Paxman suddenly broke free from his token restraints and tore a whimpering Shitey Chloe Young limb from limb.
The roaring beast – promoted by his handlers as ‘the last of his kind’ – was deceptively docile at first, but the moment the pretty young minister flounced onto the set his mood became increasingly wild and agitated.
The menacing grey gorilla toyed with her at first, prodding her playfully and rolling his eyes every time she tried desperately to soothe his massive, furrowed brow by repeating a quavering song about “households and businesses”. Suddenly breaking free from his restraint, however, he horrified his gawping audience by snapping his unequal challenger’s head off and ripping her to pieces, before rampaging through the emptied Television Centre to clamber onto the roof - from where he continues to shower the BBC car park with gory chunks of the hapless treasury junior.
“I smelt the fear the moment I switched on the telly,” cringed a traumatised eyewitness, cowering behind a back bench. “Why on earth wasn’t the Great Shite Chunterer on hand to shoot down this terrifying monster?”
A sheepish David Cameron today insisted that Mr Osborne had, in fact, fully intended to face down the legendary monster - but explained that the chancellor had unfortunately taken several wrong turns on the way to the studio before finally running out of fuel in a blind alley leading nowhere.
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| Nothing can survive a blow from the terrible claw of Paxman |
The menacing grey gorilla toyed with her at first, prodding her playfully and rolling his eyes every time she tried desperately to soothe his massive, furrowed brow by repeating a quavering song about “households and businesses”. Suddenly breaking free from his restraint, however, he horrified his gawping audience by snapping his unequal challenger’s head off and ripping her to pieces, before rampaging through the emptied Television Centre to clamber onto the roof - from where he continues to shower the BBC car park with gory chunks of the hapless treasury junior.
“I smelt the fear the moment I switched on the telly,” cringed a traumatised eyewitness, cowering behind a back bench. “Why on earth wasn’t the Great Shite Chunterer on hand to shoot down this terrifying monster?”
A sheepish David Cameron today insisted that Mr Osborne had, in fact, fully intended to face down the legendary monster - but explained that the chancellor had unfortunately taken several wrong turns on the way to the studio before finally running out of fuel in a blind alley leading nowhere.
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
Labour Hails Slight Postponement Of Fuel Duty Hike As Glorious Victory For Communism
The government’s brief suspension of the coming 3% rise in fuel duty proves beyond all doubt that the notorious capitalist running dog, George Osborne, has finally accepted the undeniable truth of revolutionary socialism, jubilant shadow chancellor Ed Balls told a cowed and beaten House of Commons today.
“Make no mistake, comrades, this is truly an historic moment in the annals of the revolution,” Mr Balls declaimed exultantly. “When, at long last, even the evil bloated plutocrat Osborne cravenly acknowledges the supreme validity of socialist economics by inserting a six-month pause into the hated fuel escalator inflicted on the downtrodden masses by the vainglorious running dog John Major, the triumph of the working class is complete.”
When asked by reporters afterwards why, during his many years as an economic advisor to Comrade Brown, he had somehow neglected to point out the inherent counter-revolutionary nature of planned rises in fuel duty, Brother Balls solemnly cautioned the press against any further mention of “that non-person”.
Comrade Balls is also understood to be so utterly committed to finalising the long-overdue downfall of the discredited feudal hierarchy that his strange lack of opposition to the tottering elite’s impending downtreading of the young masses, fire-sale of the machinery of state and closure of the people’s hospitals can surely be forgiven, explained his burly commissars.
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| The fleet's lit up! Well, it can afford to now, can't it |
When asked by reporters afterwards why, during his many years as an economic advisor to Comrade Brown, he had somehow neglected to point out the inherent counter-revolutionary nature of planned rises in fuel duty, Brother Balls solemnly cautioned the press against any further mention of “that non-person”.
Comrade Balls is also understood to be so utterly committed to finalising the long-overdue downfall of the discredited feudal hierarchy that his strange lack of opposition to the tottering elite’s impending downtreading of the young masses, fire-sale of the machinery of state and closure of the people’s hospitals can surely be forgiven, explained his burly commissars.
Tower Nobody Knows The Name Of To Be Given Name Everybody Will Forget
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| Google 'Big Ben' and this comes up. QED |
Despite the tall thing being given the same name as the Queen, the collective British consciousness said it is supremely confident that it will remain as impervious to new information as it has been over the magnificence of its empire, the benefits of its special relationship with the United States and the obvious superiority of its footballers.
Monday, 25 June 2012
Softhead Downgrade Blamed For Cameron’s NotBest Wank Chaos
Red-faced programmers have apologised for the glitch which caused David Cameron to inflict his NotBest Wank misery on the hard-up public this weekend, blaming the problem on a routine downgrade to his soft head.
Millions found themselves contemplating abject penury when, without any warning, the prime minister suddenly began spewing random gibberish into a pair of senior Daily Mail reporters.
“It’s all very well Mr Cameron’s minions working overtime, but most of us don’t happen to have huge wads of cash squirreled away somewhere like Jersey for a rainy day,” complained a typical impoverished customer, “But it seems a bit unfair to expect people to live on their parents’ credit cards until the welfare state comes back online at some unspecified point in the distant future.”
“Especially when so many of us are slaving away on less than the minimum wage,” he snapped. “We’re totally reliant on Mr Cameron sparing us a token bit of interest. I’m switching, but it probably won’t make any difference. Milibank or Barclegg – these wanks are all as bad as each other, aren’t they?”
“It looks like Cameron’s no benefit to anyone,” he concluded in disgust.
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| Daily Mail hacks caught it full in the face |
“It’s all very well Mr Cameron’s minions working overtime, but most of us don’t happen to have huge wads of cash squirreled away somewhere like Jersey for a rainy day,” complained a typical impoverished customer, “But it seems a bit unfair to expect people to live on their parents’ credit cards until the welfare state comes back online at some unspecified point in the distant future.”
“Especially when so many of us are slaving away on less than the minimum wage,” he snapped. “We’re totally reliant on Mr Cameron sparing us a token bit of interest. I’m switching, but it probably won’t make any difference. Milibank or Barclegg – these wanks are all as bad as each other, aren’t they?”
“It looks like Cameron’s no benefit to anyone,” he concluded in disgust.
Sunday, 24 June 2012
Cameron Defeats Tax Fiddles 1-0 With Well-Aimed Kicking Of The Unemployed
Pubs all over England erupted in frenzied cheers today as David Cameron, the legendary right-winger in the number 10 shirt, led his dream team of millionaires to victory with a beautifully-timed kick to the unemployed.
“The lads have been feeling sick as a parrot lately, what with all these intrusive stories in the papers lately about their tax lives,” admitted an ecstatic Mr Cameron, after being carried around the stadium by delighted fellow players including Sir Chris Hoy, Gary Barlow and Jimmy Carr. “But when I suddenly saw the ball coming my way, I knew I had no option but to boot it clean through the back of the welfare safety net. I reckon my old dad would be proud of me.”
“It’s a funny old game. One minute you’re down, the next you’re up,” grinned spud-faced bad boy Jimmy Carr – back on side after, only days earlier, earning himself a stern talking-to from his captain for bringing their game into disrepute and feigning injury. “But it doesn’t matter, because this shows our critics that we just can’t lose.”
“We’re gutted,” moaned the jobless. “It doesn’t matter what we do, we just keep losing and losing and losing. These guys are in a different league altogether.”
All over the country, meanwhile, manual workers on council estates and middle-class housewives alike are deliriously chanting the same happy song to their unemployed neighbours: “You’re going down!”
“The lads have been feeling sick as a parrot lately, what with all these intrusive stories in the papers lately about their tax lives,” admitted an ecstatic Mr Cameron, after being carried around the stadium by delighted fellow players including Sir Chris Hoy, Gary Barlow and Jimmy Carr. “But when I suddenly saw the ball coming my way, I knew I had no option but to boot it clean through the back of the welfare safety net. I reckon my old dad would be proud of me.”
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| Balls to the unemployed |
“We’re gutted,” moaned the jobless. “It doesn’t matter what we do, we just keep losing and losing and losing. These guys are in a different league altogether.”
All over the country, meanwhile, manual workers on council estates and middle-class housewives alike are deliriously chanting the same happy song to their unemployed neighbours: “You’re going down!”
Saturday, 23 June 2012
Perhaps Turkey Should Have Read NATO Treaty Before Signing, Suggests Assad: Rest Of NATO Nods Furiously
After blasting a one of their RF-4 Phantom jets from the skies, Syria has pre-empted any Turkish appeals for NATO intervention on the basis of mutual defence by suggesting that their neighbour takes a closer look at the Treaty of Washington.
“We looked it up on Wikipedia back in April, when Mr Erdoğan raised the matter after we’d told some of our people off for leaving Syria without permission by bombing the shit out of them,” commented President Assad. “He is, up to a point, correct in stating that an attack on one NATO member is an attack on all. However, if he reads Article 5 properly he might notice that this bit only applies in Europe and North America. Now, is Turkey actually in the EU? Not the last time I looked.”
“Tough luck, sucker,” he added.
Other members of NATO were remarkably quick to verify Mr Assad’s explanation of the treaty - reminding Turkey that modern combat aircraft are really, really expensive, and unfortunately Syria is bristling with brand new and extremely effective anti-aircraft systems which the Russians kindly donated.
“Yes, we know,” replied Turkish PM Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, as he reached for his reading glasses.
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| The Russians swore they were tractor parts |
“Tough luck, sucker,” he added.
Other members of NATO were remarkably quick to verify Mr Assad’s explanation of the treaty - reminding Turkey that modern combat aircraft are really, really expensive, and unfortunately Syria is bristling with brand new and extremely effective anti-aircraft systems which the Russians kindly donated.
“Yes, we know,” replied Turkish PM Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, as he reached for his reading glasses.
Friday, 22 June 2012
NatWest Death Toll Rises
Warning: contains scenes of heartbreaking inconvenience
Experts warn there is no cure in sight for the ongoing tragedy of NatWest customers dying needlessly in droves from the minor nuisance of having to use their credit card instead of their debit card.
The disaster began to unfold this morning, when a software glitch caused fatal bother and terminal vexation to 12 million innocent NatWest victims by freezing their current accounts.
By 10am, customer aid workers at NatWest branches were already overwhelmed by queues of pathetic refugees pouring out of clothes shops - many of them pitifully reduced to begging for compensation for the unbearable pain of being told “Your payment was not authorised. Please contact your card supplier” by a numeric keypad.
“My salary didn’t go through, which means that NatWest have effectively reduced me to slavery,” whined one haggard casualty, who had to drag her injured pride all the way up the high street from H&M. “My Visa card had already been thrashed black and blue. Without the essential new dress I need to go out in tonight, I know I will just die.”
“God in heaven help me, I don’t have any money to get pissed with either,” she moaned, before fainting through lack of ready funds.
“I was so moved by radio reports of the NatWest victims’ terrible plight, I ran ten miles to the nearest town in order to transfer a week’s wages (16,000 shillings, or £6.21) to Britain. I hope this will help to relieve their unimaginable suffering,” said Hassan, a subsistence farmer in Somaliland. Tragically, however, his potentially face-saving donation has also not gone through yet.
Experts warn there is no cure in sight for the ongoing tragedy of NatWest customers dying needlessly in droves from the minor nuisance of having to use their credit card instead of their debit card.
| Cash machines weren't built to handle this much customer dissatisfaction |
By 10am, customer aid workers at NatWest branches were already overwhelmed by queues of pathetic refugees pouring out of clothes shops - many of them pitifully reduced to begging for compensation for the unbearable pain of being told “Your payment was not authorised. Please contact your card supplier” by a numeric keypad.
“My salary didn’t go through, which means that NatWest have effectively reduced me to slavery,” whined one haggard casualty, who had to drag her injured pride all the way up the high street from H&M. “My Visa card had already been thrashed black and blue. Without the essential new dress I need to go out in tonight, I know I will just die.”
“God in heaven help me, I don’t have any money to get pissed with either,” she moaned, before fainting through lack of ready funds.
“I was so moved by radio reports of the NatWest victims’ terrible plight, I ran ten miles to the nearest town in order to transfer a week’s wages (16,000 shillings, or £6.21) to Britain. I hope this will help to relieve their unimaginable suffering,” said Hassan, a subsistence farmer in Somaliland. Tragically, however, his potentially face-saving donation has also not gone through yet.
Rest Of World Eagerly Anticipating Mass Suicide By Outraged iPhone Fanatics
Significant reductions in global smugness will result if, as expected, legions of insufferable iPhone addicts top themselves in despair at Apple’s decision to change the design of the connector which plugs the damned thing into the hideously overpriced but tinny speakers they bought instead of plugging a deeply unfashionable cable into the headphone output.
For the same reason, the global surplus of intolerable pricks refuses to countenance spending $1.99 on the inelegantly simple adaptors which will appear on eBay within approximately three seconds of the iPhone 5’s launch.
“My Bentley has the old 30-pin connector,” wailed furious technology guru Josh Geake. “Now I’m supposed to just throw it away and buy one with 19 pins instead, am I? This would never have happened when Steve Jobs was alive.”
Apple proudly unveiled the revolutionary new socket today, explaining that it was necessary to make their next-generation gadget thinner - and therefore even more breakable - than any other overpriced shiny toy on the market.
“Our magnificent new connection will be magnetic, because in the 21st century nobody should have to risk tearing a ligament because slitty-eyed Koreans make them pull a little plug out of a little socket," said Apple CEO TIm Cock.“And we’ve launched pre-emptive lawsuits against Samsung, LG and every other IT company on earth, to prevent them from stealing our patented ‘magnet’ invention,."
For the same reason, the global surplus of intolerable pricks refuses to countenance spending $1.99 on the inelegantly simple adaptors which will appear on eBay within approximately three seconds of the iPhone 5’s launch.
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| Designer bollocks like this became worthless overnight |
Apple proudly unveiled the revolutionary new socket today, explaining that it was necessary to make their next-generation gadget thinner - and therefore even more breakable - than any other overpriced shiny toy on the market.
“Our magnificent new connection will be magnetic, because in the 21st century nobody should have to risk tearing a ligament because slitty-eyed Koreans make them pull a little plug out of a little socket," said Apple CEO TIm Cock.“And we’ve launched pre-emptive lawsuits against Samsung, LG and every other IT company on earth, to prevent them from stealing our patented ‘magnet’ invention,."
Thursday, 21 June 2012
Gove To Send Red-Covered Wall Map Of British Empire To Every School
Britain’s schools are to be reset to 1951, education secretary Michael Gove announced today in assembly.
Showing off the black gown and leather-elbowed tweed jacket uniform which all teachers will be required to wear, Mr Gove outlined the reintroduction of O-levels, sums, daily beatings, copying out entire chapters from textbooks and a big wallmap in every classroom showing the glorious extent of the British Empire in red.
In addition, no pupil will be allowed to leave school until they have displayed full mastery of copperplate script – written with a dip pen held, as God intended, in their right hand.
Builders have already appeared in every school playground this morning, cementing newly-redundant computers together to form walls in the middle of playgrounds which will keep boys and girls segregated. The computers are being replaced by manual typewriters, which are to be reserved for the sole use of the brightest girls in the sixth form, and pupils will be expected to spend their brief lunch breaks smoking furtively in the toilets.
Mr Gove also revealed plans to reintroduce bullying, which he described as a “character-building” preparation for the rest of their lives.
Showing off the black gown and leather-elbowed tweed jacket uniform which all teachers will be required to wear, Mr Gove outlined the reintroduction of O-levels, sums, daily beatings, copying out entire chapters from textbooks and a big wallmap in every classroom showing the glorious extent of the British Empire in red.
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| Wrong. Guess again |
Builders have already appeared in every school playground this morning, cementing newly-redundant computers together to form walls in the middle of playgrounds which will keep boys and girls segregated. The computers are being replaced by manual typewriters, which are to be reserved for the sole use of the brightest girls in the sixth form, and pupils will be expected to spend their brief lunch breaks smoking furtively in the toilets.
Mr Gove also revealed plans to reintroduce bullying, which he described as a “character-building” preparation for the rest of their lives.
Cats Must Be Free To Make Britain Wildlife-Free By 2025, Say Self-Proclaimed Animal Lovers
Britain’s legions of insane cat addicts today demanded the immediate execution of Springwatch presenter Chris Peckham, who dared to suggest that their beloved pet overlords may in some way be connected to the ongoing extinction of the nation’s fauna.
“How bloody dare he?” screeched willing ginger tom slave Emily Lovejoy, 40. “My beautiful Mr Kissy wub me with every fibre of his widdle kitty heart, yes don’t you cherub? If the sadistic glee of slaughtering a nestful of young blackbirds every night puts him in the right frame of mind for climbing all over my breakfast, waving his anus in my face or sitting on my fanny and rumbling – any of which fills me with delight – then, as an animal lover, I don’t have a problem with that. And any bastard who does must be cut into chunks, dried and put into a box of tasty treats.”
Mr Kissy, meanwhile, acknowledged his worshipper’s adulation by fixing her with his cold, soulless eyes and wishing he was big enough to snap her neck and chew her face off, which she unhesitatingly proclaimed as proof of his unconditional love.
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| One day I shall be big enough to kill you LOL |
Mr Kissy, meanwhile, acknowledged his worshipper’s adulation by fixing her with his cold, soulless eyes and wishing he was big enough to snap her neck and chew her face off, which she unhesitatingly proclaimed as proof of his unconditional love.
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
Does The Daily Mail Really Sum Up Everything That’s Wrong With Modern Society?
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| Exhibit A |
The Daily Mail is the poster girl for 'almost everything that is wrong with Western society', according to a leading celebrity.
The paper is part of a culture that glorifies women's physical appearances over their character, claims Dr Kim Kardashian, in a story the Mail will run under a picture of her in her underwear.
“It is not too strong a statement, I venture to suggest, to say that almost everything that is wrong with Western society today can be summed up in about 200 symbolic photos every day of celebrity tits, legs and arses plastered all over the Mail Online website,” Dr Kardashian will say. “The descent of Western civilisation can practically be read into every curve, of which, you will note, there are indeed many. Is this what we want our young people to aim for? Is this what success should mean to them?”
“What is the Mail telling our young people about life? As a society, we have clearly attached a value to it,” she will say. “There may be some lies about the unemployed, cancer or house prices buried in there somewhere – I expect Paul Dacre has to shout ‘Cunt!’ at Peter Hitchens, Jan Moir, Richard Littlejohn, Stephen Glover and Melanie Phillips every day to keep his arses in shape – but these are very hidden lies, buried under the other lies surrounded by glitz and sparkle.”
Wednesday, 13 June 2012
Useless Bank Crisis Could Have Been Averted By Throwing Money At Britain’s Other Useless Bank, Says Financial Wizard
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| Mr Pants is lining up a new position for himself |
In his farewell message to the cruel world, Mr Pants complains that Mervyn King - “that petty-minded little jumped-up cashier at the Bank of England” - just coughed nervously at his flash of brilliance, while “so-called chancellor of the exchequer” Alistair Darling merely glanced at his watch and claimed to be late for an important haggis-eating contest with his boss.
The City of London’s emergency services will be standing by later this month with shovels and buckets, after the high-flying genius rejected their advice against leaping out of the FSA wearing a 2-tonne solid gold parachute of his own design.
Everyone In Britain Too Busy Raping Children To Heed Deputy Children’s Commissioner’s Warning
Every girl in Britain has been repeatedly gang-raped by the age of 11, deputy children’s commissioner Sue Chickenowitz-Littlowitz shrieked at a shocked Commons Affairs Committee today.
“As one police officer who was the lead in a very big investigation in a very lovely, leafy, rural part of the country said to me: ‘There isn't a town, village or hamlet in which children are not being sexually exploited.’ Well, what he actually said when I put it to him was “Er, I wouldn’t know about that exactly, missus’ - but that’s not a denial, is it???” the wide-eyed chicken screeched in horror. "We should start from the assumption that all the children in Britain are being sexually exploited right the way across the country!!! By everybody!!! All the time!!! Even as we speak!!!”
The frantic Ms Chickenowitz-Littlowitz painted a grim picture of innocence lost, in which the wicked internet monster slyly lures sweet little girls into the nearest park with false promises of sugar, spice and all things nice, whereupon hundreds of local boys – all of them transformed into sex-crazed maniacs by a dangerous cocktail of slugs, snails and puppy-dogs’ tails – cruelly force them to perform something horrid on their tiny winkies for two hours each.
"I wish I could say to you that such things are uncommon,” she screeched, “But I'm afraid they are quite common!!! And parental blocks on the internet won’t help, because it’s the parents who are encouraging it, I tell you!!! Arrest them all immediately!!!"
When the astonished committee cautiously thanked the wild-eyed Ms Chickenowitz-Littlowitz for her valuable time and told her they would take her “most interesting” statement under advisement, she launched herself across the desk, clawing at their trousers and demanding to know where they had hidden their underage sex slaves.
“As one police officer who was the lead in a very big investigation in a very lovely, leafy, rural part of the country said to me: ‘There isn't a town, village or hamlet in which children are not being sexually exploited.’ Well, what he actually said when I put it to him was “Er, I wouldn’t know about that exactly, missus’ - but that’s not a denial, is it???” the wide-eyed chicken screeched in horror. "We should start from the assumption that all the children in Britain are being sexually exploited right the way across the country!!! By everybody!!! All the time!!! Even as we speak!!!”
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| Ban this evil thing now |
"I wish I could say to you that such things are uncommon,” she screeched, “But I'm afraid they are quite common!!! And parental blocks on the internet won’t help, because it’s the parents who are encouraging it, I tell you!!! Arrest them all immediately!!!"
When the astonished committee cautiously thanked the wild-eyed Ms Chickenowitz-Littlowitz for her valuable time and told her they would take her “most interesting” statement under advisement, she launched herself across the desk, clawing at their trousers and demanding to know where they had hidden their underage sex slaves.
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
That Idyllic Rural Olympic Opening Ceremony In Full
1. Lord Coe is discovered lying face-down among the hydrangeas, with a knife in his back.
2. Police seal off picturesque Olympic Stadium from 21st century.
3. Inspector of ceremonies descends in huge Volvo-sponsored balloon.
4. Identity parade featuring 1st Queen’s English regiment of middle-class suspects.
5. Buckinghamshire red herrings distributed among cheering spectators.
6. Display of formation dancing by police around illuminated replica of mulberry bush.
7. Spectators led merrily up enormous garden path.
8. Traditional pruning of tangled relationships.
9. Ceremonial unveiling of the guilty party.
10. Pub.
2. Police seal off picturesque Olympic Stadium from 21st century.
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| Celebrating the timeless tranquility of the British countryside |
4. Identity parade featuring 1st Queen’s English regiment of middle-class suspects.
5. Buckinghamshire red herrings distributed among cheering spectators.
6. Display of formation dancing by police around illuminated replica of mulberry bush.
7. Spectators led merrily up enormous garden path.
8. Traditional pruning of tangled relationships.
9. Ceremonial unveiling of the guilty party.
10. Pub.
CofE Bishops Threaten To End 500 Years Of Poking Noses Into Secular Matters Of State
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| A bishop ponders the ineffable holiness of matrimony |
“Cor strike a light! Us what's in the established church can’t bear to fink abaht one geeza fondling anuvva geeza’s bum - which is why we finks abaht it all the bleedin' time!” exploded the state religion, in its submission to the home office consultation on drastic proposals to allow same-sex couples to use the same word for their relationships as owners of non-matching genitals. "Stands to reason, dannit?"
“Blimey, if this perversion uv Gawd Almighty’s special bladdy word goes froo I reckon, right, we'd just afta walk aht the 'ouse of Lords – which is where we vote on matters of vital bladdy importance to the 'ole bleedin lot uv yer, guided solely by the unparalleled words uv wisdom wot sam bunch uv wogs in the Middle East cooked up fahsands uv years ago - an' stroll straight into the lavin' arms uv the BNP,” explained the Bishop of Leicester. “Just bleedin' fink for a second, if yer will, wot old Darky Sentamu must be finkin' abaht that.”
“If marriage was good enough for Jesus an' them twelve buggers wot 'ung rahnd wiv 'im, it bladdy orta be good enough for you, yer bleedin' poofters,” he added vehemently. “Er...”
Monday, 11 June 2012
Now Google Can See You Wanking To Hitler In The Privacy Of Your Own Back Garden, Daily Mail Warns Readers
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| And, of course, it may give you cancer |
“These sick images are so detailed that everyone on the internet will be able to tell at a glance whether the subject is circumcised or not,” shrieked editor Paul Dacre, who has suddenly lost all enthusiasm for the argument that those who have nothing to hide have nothing to fear. “Their photos of you, I mean, not your photos of Hitler.”
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