Bigots Place Trust In Courts, Not God

Magic Sky Pixie Issues, a pressure group dedicated to spreading their imaginary friend’s hatred of touching other men’s bottoms through the evangelical ministry of buses, is formally transferring its faith from God to the English legal system as it threatens to sue London mayor Boris Johnson for banning The Sermon On The 29A.

Christians need no further explanation

The group - which claims that homosexuals can be cured simply by spending the rest of their lives nodding intensely at the delusions of raving bigots - has chosen not to curse Mr Johnson with the traditional smiting of boils or plaguing of locusts, preferring instead to place its hopes in a letter from their learned friends, who are eagerly putting together an unarguable set of eye-watering fees.

“I didn’t realise I was living in a Stalinist police state,” ranted Mike Davidson, co-director and 50% of the membership of Magic Sky Pixie Issues, “Although I daresay the Magic Sky Pixie probably found a little corner of heaven for Stalin in the end - Hitler too, come to think of it - on account of their commendably Old Testament treatments for knob jockeys.”

“You see, there’s a little bit of the divine in everybody,” he smiled radiantly. “Not his cock, though. That would definitely be a sin.”

Sobbing John Lewis Staff Give Away Stock

Moved to a state of 24-hour tearfulness by their store’s emotionally-charged TV ad, John Lewis staff all over the country have taken to heart its resonant Christmas message about the importance of giving, and are refusing to charge customers a single penny for their purchases.

Oh dear, now dry your eyes with this Blu-Ray recorder

“I only stopped by on the way to work for a fresh box of tissues,” gushed red-eyed legal secretary Samantha Doe, as she dragged a 42-inch TV onto a bus full of howling parents. “But the girl at the till took one look at my streaky make-up, burst into floods and begged me to go back and take away the biggest item I could carry. Bless.”

Sobbing senior managers, moved by the sheer power of their own advertising, have ordered staff to remove all price tags from the chain’s stores, in the hope that the country can hold off with the water works for long enough to drive down and pick up whatever their little hearts desire.

Meanwhile, the nation’s children – who, strangely, are the only Britons other than Charlie Brooker not moved to tears by the adland masterpiece, which has already been nominated for a BAFTA for Best Television Drama – have made plans to descend en masse upon John Lewis stores on Saturday morning to demand every single game ever released for their Playstations, Xboxes and Wiis.

“Oh, bless their little cotton socks,” wailed one shop worker on hearing the news. “As a partner, I can’t think of a better way to celebrate the spirit of Christmas than going bust and all losing our jobs. That’s just what dear little baby Jesus would have wanted.”

Facebook Addicts Refuse To Contemplate Switching To Google+

Cosmetics Industry Told To Stop Fucking About With Photoshop And Promote Its Ground-Breaking Scientific Discoveries Instead

The Advertising Standards Authority has cracked down on the cosmetic industry’s widespread use of Photoshop to airbrush out even the faintest traces of organic imperfection from pictures of the celebrity owners of the world’s most perfect complexions, urging companies to put more emphasis instead on the revolutionary discoveries being made every day by white-coated geniuses with clipboards in their cutting-edge bioscience laboratories.

Waterfalls like this are vital scientific research tools

“When leading architects working at L’Oréal’s research station deep under the boulevards of Paris have found a way to shift women’s lashes in time - the fourth dimension - with magnets, isn’t Photoshop’s smudge tool a bit low-tech?” commented the ASA. “Remember, these extraordinary labs have also successfully isolated Pro-Retinol A from the rest of the alphabet, and millionized the humble brush. Isn’t that enough to convince people?”

The ASA also singled out Laboratoires Garnier for their Nobel prize-winning success in reinforcing active fruits, Olay for calculating the fiendishly abstract Wake-Me-Up formula to its last elusive digit and Lancôme’s astonishing reproduction of the aura, a phenomenon long thought to exist only in the imagination of hippies.

“Dyescoover fyusulf hoo th’ coosmehic yundusreh’s ympeccabool truck reckud yat th' cooten yedge uv syunteefuc yndivvur spyuks fur yitsulf aye,” said L’Oréal expert Cheryl Cole, stalling for time while her employers sent their graphics experts out to buy several dozen copies of Paint Shop Pro. “Kziuwoothet layk.”

Evil Murdoch Threatens To Unleash Skeleton Army Against British Legion

The British Legion won't like this at all

As the betrayed warriors of the British Legion defected from his side, adding their STR to the thousands of irate peasants and merchants laying siege to his magic paywalls, malevolent dungeon overlord Murdoch today threatened to unleash an unstoppable horde of dead soldiers which his evil newsomancers have summoned from their graves in order to ask them how it feels to be a dead hero.

“The negative DM on these retired adventurers’ saving throws for morale, should they be forced to dismember the mortal remains of their former companions-in-arms in brutal close combat, would undoubtedly drive many of them screaming from the field of battle,” warned defence chieftain General Sir David, son of Richard. “There seems to be no depravity to which Murdoch will not resort in his unhallowed plans for gameworld domination.”

Enraged NPC villagers have spoken of their horror and revulsion when they discovered that the cackling megalomaniac employed a host of magic-users – under the command of his hated lieutenant, Rebekah the Witch - to read the innermost thoughts of not only their favourite bards and beautiful princesses, but even of younglings carried off by the dreaded paedo plague he had been taunting them with for years.

So far, however, many yokels continue to sit torpidly in their hovels, helpless to resist the baleful influence of the network of scrying windows which he has sent into their homes, draining their INT with bewitching visions of their fabled heroes disporting themselves playfully in the fields.

“We call upon Jeremy Cnut, the court jester, to wrest control of BScryB from this wicked monster immediately, before it turns all our churls into turnips,” urged the village’s pitifully few player characters with more than 5 points of WIS remaining.

Advertisers Becoming Less Keen On Paper That Says Everything They Sell Is Going To Kill You

Bang goes the Walls account

The Daily Mail has seen advertising revenues plummet in the last two months, as companies begin to question the wisdom of advertising their wares in a newspaper dedicated to proving that every single thing in creation will give its readers cancer.

“If retailers adopted the Mail’s guidelines on product labelling, Britain’s shopping centres would look like the ghostly streets of Fukushima,” complained a prick with red glasses and a bow tie, who unsurprisingly works in advertising. “In these belt-tightening economic times, many advertisers are starting to think twice about taking out a £200,000 full-page ad for their product when the opposite page is a long hysterical scream about how somebody who bought one died a painful, lingering death.”

However, whilst accepting that the Mail’s primary function is to prove that everything is designed for the sole purpose of killing you horribly, Daily Mail and General Trust chief financial officer Stephen Daintith pointed out that, if space permits, the paper occasionally likes to suggest that one randomly-selected carcinogenic instrument of death may in fact hold the secret of eternal life.

“And it’s important to remember that, petty and bigoted as our readers are, many of them are married to a high-earning bastard and therefore have plenty of surplus cash to waste on evil cancer-inducing shit,” he added. “Especially if their neighbours haven’t got one yet.”

Options For Irritating BT Ad Couple Not Nearly Graphic Enough, Say Viewers

Viewers who have suffered the sickening BT couple’s cloying exploits in adverts for five gruelling years today inundated the smug telecoms giant with demands for far more gruesome alternatives for the next ad, complaining that the choices they were invited to vote on were not nearly bloodthirsty enough.

“I’d like to see that floppy-haired prick from Love Actually lowered testicles-first onto a giant sanding wheel,” said retired clump press minder Jim Arnold. “Then he could telephone his screams to his insufferable partner from Queer As Folk, who would ideally be rotating slowly on a spit.”

The giant bollock grinder is rapidly gaining favour

Unemployed telesales shit Ellie Carr disagreed, however, suggested that the pair’s up-and-down relationship could best be improved by putting them in a crashing plane with only one parachute, sending futile emails to their mates begging for suggestions before embarking upon a vicious fight to the death for the parachute.

“Except it wouldn’t be a parachute at all,” she added. “When the blood-soaked victor jumped, it would turn out to be a giant streamer reading ‘Fuck you BT’. Then splat.”

A spokesman who lives on another planet said the series of ads had built up “a huge fanbase” during its five-year run, adding that as long as BT kept squeezing millions of customers for its lacklustre services, there ought to be a splendid pile of cash to fund the smug pair’s screen appearances for decades to come.

Russian Donkey Worriers Still Struggling With Finer Points Of Capitalism

Russians are still failing to grasp the key principles of capitalism a full twenty years after the collapse of the Soviet system, following an unfortunate flirtation with advertising which saw small children traumatised for life by a screaming donkey zooming over their heads.

The terrifying incident took place on the Sea of Azoles coast in the Krasidyot region, when the owners of a private beach strapped a donkey to a parachute and towed it aloft, convinced that its squeals of fright would in some way prove a subtle but irresistible draw to holidaymakers.

Animal-loving parents below were so outraged that they whipped out their cameras in dismay, filmed the donkey’s aerial torment and sent the deeply disturbing images to news channels with a shocked invoice.

“The donkey screamed and the children cried and the parents saw an opportunity to make a few easy roubles,” commented regional police spokesman Larisa Tuchkova, after footage of the parasailing donkey was aired. “No one had the brains to call the police. We could have shot it out of the sky whilst filming it all in HD, and split the profits 50/50.”

The businessmen responsible for the outrage – who may be prosecuted for animal cruelty, if officials can find any such law buried in Russia’s hastily-rewritten statute books – are still struggling to understand their error.

“Perhaps yowling donkey not really appropriate inducement for small children,” one of them told reporters. “Next week we try higher-pitched animal, like dolphin.”

Channel 4 Under Pressure To Terminate Ad

The Society for the Protection of Unaired Commercials has hit out at anti-abortion groups for putting pressure on Channel 4 to terminate an advert for Marie Stopes Clinics before it is aired.

“Television stations have the legal right to choose abortion ads,” said a white, middle-class spokesman for the channel. “It is grossly unfair for pressure groups - many of whom have no real experience of Channel 4 - to try to inflict their narrow-minded beliefs on an innocent, vulnerable broadcaster. What gives anyone the right to kill it off? That prerogative is reserved for God in heaven alone - or David Abraham in the chief exec’s office, as his loyal followers know him.”

“Who knows?” he added. “This ad could one day grow up into a full-blown cross-media campaign.”

News Now Completely Replaced By Adverts Masquerading As Hilarious Job Vacancies

As the Australian Tourist Board buys itself another chunk of bargain-basement publicity by offering another four lucky Britons 'employment' as 'island explorers', news editors joyfully abandoned all pretence of telling people what is actually happening in the world and turned their bulletins, newspapers and websites over to any corporate entities with a product to sell who can come up with a suitably daft non-job.

"Hats off to the diggers for dreaming up this fantastically cheap but effective marketing tool," said Sky News' political editor, Adam Boulton, as he added 'keen snorkeller' to the CV he was about to email. "Thanks to the growing flood of 'best job in the world' emails and faxes we're receiving, we can dispense with tiresome, expensive journalism completely."

Somerset's tourism has also been boosted recently by the acres of headlines generated by Wookey Hole's inspired '£50,000 witch' announcement. The successful witch, Caroline Bohanon, is already reported to spend her days crying out of sheer boredom and complaining about her hessian rags giving her eczema.

"Fifty thousand smackers may seem loik a gurt big sack of oats to the average wage-slave," said Somerset's Head of Tourism, Giles Farmer, "But believe you me, moi 'ansum, 'taint chicken feed compared to a three-week multimedia campaign on every digital TV service provider, an' all them papers an' freesheets - not forgettin' they new-fangled popups on yer browser, as no bugger reads anyway."

"Oo arr," he added.

In a Nev Filter exclusive, by blatantly refusing to comply with the 'Embargo Until' dates printed in bold at the top of the press releases we can offer a sneak preview of next week's biggest headlines.

MONDAY: Birmingham Council willing to award £50,000 to anyone capable of spending an entire week's staycation in city as a 'holidaymaker'

TUESDAY: Theme park offers brave punter £75,000 to go on every ride without being maimed

WEDNESDAY: London Tourist Board offers hundreds of joblesses £5,000 tax-free lump sum to be beheaded at Tower of London - hourly! Don't miss the gory fun, kids!

THURSDAY: Lord Mandelson dangles £1000-a-year dream job as peripatetic world travellers before disillusioned doley graduates (hang on, they've rolled this one out ahead of schedule - Nev)

FRIDAY: Queen tempts Prince Charles with £2m a year to live out rest of life as lowly prole

Snake Oil Manufacturers Claim 'Science' Completely Unsupported by Expensive Advertising

Makers of faddish 'detox' products are disputing recent statements by charitable trust Sense About Science, saying the scientists' claims are unsupported by any meaningful advertising spend.

"It's all very well them making wild claims that our products are worthless," said a spokeswoman for the wishful thinking industry. "But there is plenty of circumstantial evidence that our facial scrubs, shampoos and bottled water are in fact worth a great deal to the advertising industry. Look, here's a spurious computer graphic. I could have used a flipchart, but just one application of CGI animation has made the all-important pointless-graphics demographic £25,000 richer than if we'd just bought a traditional pad of paper and a couple of chisel-tip markers."

The scientists were also criticised for simply repackaging existing research.

"A couple of weeks ago they used wrinkle creams to create the ephemeral illusion that the cosmetics industry is in some way manipulating women's fear of falling short of utter physical perfection," said the spokeswoman, walking ecstatically through a tropical rainforest set. "We urge consumers to use their higher emotions and cling to what they desperately want to believe, and not be swayed by scientific claims that rely on a superficial appeal to base reason. Do you really think we'd spend so much on advertising if it hadn't been conclusively proven to work? Look at this sales chart, which I've chosen to present in the form of a cute endangered parrot embarking on a voyage of cleansing through a massively-simplified representation of your digestive system."

She then dived into a pool of gigantic, sentient bubbles and had an orgasm.

The scientists retorted by saying that it was ridiculous, in the 21st century, to see a return to mystical properties being claimed for advertising, and challenged the cosmetics industry to at least come up with a meaningful definition of the word 'bolox'.

Phelps Signs Sponsorship Deal With Entire Food Industry

Michael Phelps, the top-scoring athlete from the Beijing Olympic Games, has signed the largest sponsorship deal in history, ecstatic marketing executives revealed today.

The swimming star, who carried away eight gold medals, can thank his four-million-calorie diet for the unprecedented corporate attention.

“Michael’s big pointy chin will fill the advertising breaks of television stations across the entire world,” grinned a coke-sniffer in a suit. “A typical advertising break might consist of Michael extolling the virtues of Warburton’s Super-Thick, Three-Slice-per-Loaf Toastie Bread, then slurping down a Bucket Noodle, munching his way through an entire 12-pack of Walkers lard-flavoured crisps and biting a sizeable chunk out of a freshly-slaughtered slab of prime beef before downing a jerrycan of Red Bull’s godawful new pretend-Cola in one.”

“Eat, sleep and swim, that’s all I can do,” beamed the 23-year-old sporting phenomenon, before deafening everyone in earshot with a 150-decibel burp which lasted for a full minute.

Nation Stunned By Death of Fish Finger Hero

Captain Birdseye has died, and a nation mourns the loss of one of its greatest naval heroes.

The jovial character served a family of four with distinction from 1967 to his retirement in1998, when he was replaced by an unconvincing impostor.

Captain Birdseye – Britain’s most-recognised naval commander after Captain Cook, the TV chef - distinguished himself by sailing his ship, crewed only by young fussy eaters, on a series of daring exploits. The first man to sail up Everest, the intrepid navigator, explorer and coiner of terrible puns also discovered America, was the first to sail around the world via the North and South Poles, routed the French at Trafalgar, discovered a lost civilisation 20,000 leagues beneath the sea, went over Niagara Falls in a barrel, swam back up them again, single-handedly evacuated the entire British Army from Dunkirk, sank the Bismarck, raised the Titanic, froze the Atlantic, and saved the whale.

Yet the white-bearded captain always remained a modest and humble enigma, concocting a delicious range of rectilinear seafood and delivering it personally to his juvenile ratings in their own mess - the filthy swines.

In later years he conducted his own robust defence against UN allegations regarding his employment of child sailors, saying: “Kids love the taste of my cod fish fingers. Arrr.”

Conflicting reports are still coming in about the manner of his passing. Some say he was hunted to extinction by merciless Spanish drift-net trawlers, while others suggest he was brutally flensed to death aboard a Japanese factory vessel. Some men say that he is not really dead at all - but will rise to Britain’s defence, in the hour of its greatest need, from his slumbers in the spawning-grounds of Avalon. Take your pick.