Councils Unveil Exciting Plan To Relocate All Services To Your Local Branch Library

The Local Government Association today declared their ongoing support for library services by revealing their intention to chuck all those boring old books into a skip and fill the resulting space with all the local services which people need to access.

What you can expect to find in your exciting new library:

Everything you need under one roof

000 Computer Science, Information and General Works – internet café
100 Philosophy and Psychology – NHS mental health drop-in service (max. 5 mins per patient)
200 Religion – community singalongs with Archbishop Rowan Beardie and his folding altar
300 Social Sciences – housing benefit enquiries and drop-box for unwanted children
400 Language – a Kurdish refugee, practicing for his citizenship test
500 Science (including Mathematics) – a local GP, practicing his golf swing (mornings only)
600 Technology and Applied Science – a planning assistant (by appointment only)
700 Arts and Recreation – 24-hour bar with disco dancefloor beats (under the watchful eye of PC Savage)
800 Literature – 40-year-old Noddy book (some pages missing)
900 History, Geography and Biography – waste recycling facility

US Downgrade By Faceless Suits Proves Britain Was Right To Let Faceless Suits Off The Hook, Gloats Cameron

America today

The reduction of the United States’ credit rating from AAA to AA+ by a faceless bunch of corporate bastards in suits utterly vindicates Britain’s policy of giving all your money - and your children’s - and their children’s - to the faceless bunch of corporate bastards in suits who caused this mess in the first place, prime minister David Cameron boasted today from a sun-lounger next to his Tuscan holiday villa’s pool.

“So much for friend Obama’s wishy-washy efforts to shield the typical American worker from the worst effects of the recession,” he crowed as he poured himself another Pimms. “Pater was a stockbroker, as you know, and my first and fondest memory is of him throwing my Lego men into my potty, sitting me down and telling me, ‘Son, the way to get on in this life is to keep pooing on the little people, and the people who matter will always look after you.’”

“That’s what I’ve been doing ever since,” he smirked, “And the important people have indeed rewarded me with their coveted triple-A credit rating - despite the fact that we don’t make anything of value, we’ve used up all our natural resources and we’re not even clearing the interest on the national debt.”

Hypothetical Money Vanishes

In the last 24 hours, according to people who are paid lots of money to make this stuff up, hundreds of billions of fictitious dollars, euros and pounds which never existed in the first place have been wiped off notional markets whose reality it suits corporate entities which exist only on paper to collectively imagine.

Although many people are absolutely convinced of the reality of money - because they regularly exchange pieces of paper on which somebody they will never meet claims that, if they only ask him, he would be delighted to exchange each piece of paper for a quantity of stamped discs of useless alloy - the entire monetary system which directly affects the lives of 7 billion people is, it is privately admitted by insiders, nothing but a great big fairy story made up by Sumerian tribesmen thousands of years ago and subsequently elaborated upon by successive generations of imaginative fantasists.

You are personally worth more than all of this, apparently

 “Being entirely ignorant of the magical mysteries of economics, the uninitiated struggle to understand how, for example, roughly four million square miles of real estate – chock full of useful minerals, metals and fossil fuels, covered with edible flora and fauna and filled with hundreds of millions of industrious workers - could possibly be worth vastly less than nothing,” observed a man in a striped shirt who shouts at an array of blinking red lights all day long and is therefore considered a leading expert. “So there’s really very little point in me trying to explain to laymen who can’t even grasp the basics how it could suddenly become worth even less than it was yesterday.”

“Now go away and leave me alone,” he added. “I have lives to destroy.”

‘Don’t Worry, Clegg Isn’t Running The Country,’ Says Hague

Mr Hague remains upbeat, if incomprehensible

As prime minister David Cameron and chancellor George Osborne swan off to the holiday destinations only millionaires can afford, foreign secretary William Hague moved swiftly to allay public fears of a lack of leadership during a rapidly-worsening economic crisis by reassuring the nation that deputy prime minister Nick Clegg was still curled up and sound asleep inside his teapot and would remain there no matter what happens.

The Tory wise man of the north told anxious reporters: “Ey up, fowks - ‘appen things might be a bit ketty raht now, but ‘old yer skrikin’. Reckon t’ PM an’ t’ chancellor o’ t’ exchequer mun be agate raht soon enoof f’r upskittlin’ t’ economy wi’owt recklin’ t’ barn. Let ‘im ligg, now.”

Linguistic experts from the south explained to the rest of the country that the rough gist of what the foreign secretary had said was that, although the present situation may be causing alarm to some, that there was no need to worry as he had every confidence in the ability of Mr Cameron and Mr Osborne to restore calm to the markets upon their return and there was therefore no need to call upon Mr Clegg for leadership.

“It’s either that, or he fancies Halifax’s chances on Sunday against the Batley Bulldogs,” they concluded.

Nev Filter To Force MPs To Consider The Reintroduction Of Branding For Mopery

Echoing right-wing ‘Guido Fawkes’ blogger Paul Staines’ efforts to raise 100,000 signatures to force a Commons debate on bringing back the death penalty, another self-important nobody whose one-sided rants aren’t worth paying for has announced his intention to put branding for those convicted of the former catch-all crime of mopery back on the statute books.

Right, now go and find something useful to do with yourself

“All the more so since the schools broke up for summer, the streets of our once-great nation are now teeming with unsavoury youths in damned silly headphones loitering openly with the clear intention of doing nothing in particular,” seethed Neville Mann, writer, editor and sole reader of the Nev Filter. “Gone are the days when our hamstrung police could act to nip such criminal behaviour in the bud before it leads inevitably to sheep-stealing, gin-sodden sottishness and highway robbery. It is high time we reintroduced branding with hot irons for these lurking ne’er-do-wells, and I urge 99,999 like-minded public-spirited citizens to join with me in demanding the restoration of sanity to our pavements.”

“I am not a cruel man,” insisted Mr Mann. “Whilst the thought of plucking out their eyes, hacking their hands off and sealing their oozing wounds with boiling tar gives me many a night’s pleasant dreams, nevertheless I do realise the impracticality of creating a new legion of disability benefit scroungers.”

“And I can’t condone their transportation to Australia,” he fumed, “When I, a gifted writer of rare distinction, was told I didn’t have enough bloody points to get in.”

Seven Out Of Ten Foreigners Blame Indigents For State Of Britain

Seven out of ten immigrants are implacably certain that all of Britain’s socio-economic woes can be laid squarely at the door of the mongrel hordes of native Britons cluttering up the country.

Bloody indigents

While three quarters of the nation’s hardworking immigrant population thought the British placed too much pressure on public services, according to the Ipsos Mori poll, only one in four thought the indigent population were good for the economy. And three out of five newcomers to the UK felt that their employment prospects are adversely affected by the indigent population’s irresponsible breeding habits flooding the labour market with teenagers who will work for less than the national minimum wage.

"Clearly, the people in Britain who do all the work are deeply concerned about the way these freeloading indigents are affecting their employment opportunities, straining public services, and impacting on a sluggish economy,” commented pollster Mike Spreadsheet. “These concerns are also reflected in many countries around the Med, who view the summer invasions of the British with distaste and contempt.”

“It’s all bloody indigents round here, jabbering away at each other in their incomprehensible lingo,” complained Eastern European mechanic Latka Gravas, who can change a truck engine with his bare hands and use an apostrophe correctly. “The sooner they all get shipped back where they belong - i.e. the caves of Cheddar Gorge - the better for those of us who are making a positive contribution to the British economy.”

Dr Fuckwit, I Presume?

(A warning to readers of a delicate disposition: this report contains non-PC language)

Formidably dense

Communications received via that modern marvel, wireless telegraphy, indicate that the intrepid Safari expedition has finally succeeded in making contact with hopelessly misguided Internet Explorers long held to have been lost for good in the formidably dense thickets of the darkest internet.

They have no word for 'upgrade'

Tools

The quest for the benighted Explorers – who are totally reliant on rudimentary tools otherwise to be seen only in municipal collections of antiquities - has, of late, greatly exercised the collective imagination of the entire world. Indeed, many learned gentlemen openly scoffed at the very notion that such throwbacks could still be alive in our modern age. Yet, not only do they exist; moreover, the brutish ingrates have in fact displayed an astonishing obtuseness in clinging defiantly to their primitive ways: threatening anyone who offers them Apples, dazzles them with shiny bits of Chrome or demonstrates their complete mastery of Firefox by sending them scurrying for cover under a veritable hail of vile excrement.

No support

“These backward Internet Explorers seem to have finally lost touch with civilisation way back in 98 [signals the Safari team], stubbornly sticking to their Stone Age ways even when they had no viable means of support remaining to them.”

Horrible viruses

Safari experts deserve our utmost praise for keeping the exact whereabouts of the Explorers from the enlightened world - rightly fearing that, riddled as these creatures undoubtedly are with all manner of horrible viruses, they must surely constitute a dire threat to our well-being. All efforts to bring the appallingly out-of-touch Explorers up to date have been angrily rebuffed; furthermore, they caution, any well-meaning attempts to actually convert them would certainly be met only with torrents of abuse and dung.

Quaint

Meanwhile, in an outburst of quaint, bird-like noises, elders of the Explorer tribe made it quite clear that any more unwelcome visitors from the civilised world will be killed and eaten.

New Zealanders Convinced Stephen Fry Must Be Some Other Articulate Bloke Off The Telly

A typical Kiwi struggling to say 'Go home'

Whilst in New Zealand for the filming of The Hobbit, British national treasure Stephen Fry complains of constantly being mistaken for any other television personality capable of enunciating all five vowels.

“No matter how devilishly I secrete myself within the scenic magnificence of this linguistically-challenged backwater, up pops some ruddy-faced sheepshearer, invariably jabbing a grubby finger in my face and making, ‘Ir, ir yi Jims Miy? Ir yi Jirmi Clrxn?’ noises,” groaned the lugubrious polymath. “To which I am naturally compelled to reply – and in doing so, if I may venture so presumptuously, with almost Wildean jocosity - ‘Oh, I am sorry. Would you by any chance happen to be terribly afflicted with lockjaw, my fine jolly swain, or is your unfortunate impediment caused by some sort of diet-related wiring?’”

“That’s usually when they hit me,” he added ruefully from his hospital bed.

Mr Fry’s ongoing attempts to write a script for Peter Jackson’s long-delayed ‘Dambusters’ remake, meanwhile, have met with frustration as he struggles in vain to find a New Zealand actor who can pronounce Eder, Möhne or Sorpe without dislocating their face.

There’s More Hacking Fun In The Sun!

Their worthless details have been pointlessly stolen

Hordes of online Sun readers who give the tabloid their benefit of their balanced and informed opinions –that David Cameron is a snake and Nick Clegg is a sheep and therefore neither of them deserves a holiday, for example – have, predictably, discovered today that they may well be victims of illegal hacking.

For once, News International was not responsible for the hack attack – except, of course, insofar as failing to install proper security protection for personal details entered via their website.

Strangely enough, calls to Rupert and James Murdoch asking them what it feels like to be the victims of lawbreaking hackers, rather than just employing them, have so far gone unanswered.

Apple In Corporate Takeover Of USA

Think different

The Apple Corporation has bought the United States of America for an undisclosed sum, ex-president - now temporarily Acting CEO of Apple’s Geopolitical Resources (Transfer) Division - Barack Obama told a shocked America today in a televised address and handover ceremony.

“This ground-breaking deal makes Apple’s new iMerica instantly über-cool,” a visibly relieved Mr Obama told the nation, as he supervised the loading of a pallet-load of hundred-dollar bills aboard iForce One. “It also ensures that the bills will be paid during the transitional months as all the raw materials, plant and associated human resources are transferred to China. Ciao, guys, and stay groovy.”

Meanwhile, units of the iArmy have surrounded the Microsoft corporate campus in Redmond, WA, where a defiant Bill Gates is reported to have unilaterally declared independence from his hated rival Steve Jobs. Helicopters full of iMarines hover menacingly overhead, denying the renegade billionaire any opportunity of escaping to Canada, which he bought years ago with the profits from Windows 98SE.

One In Three 11-Year-Olds Can’t Read The Long Word At The End Of This Sentence

Welcome to 21st century Britain

A third of Britain’s 11-year-olds have trouble with grunting noises of two syllables or more – like ‘Britain’ – according to disturbing SATs results published today by the government.

“The good news is that pushy middle-class parents have made their children pull their socks up, so results at the top of the spectrum are pretty good,” said schools minister Nick Glibb smugly. “Unfortunately, the young of Britain’s ever-growing underclass continue to develop a marked preference for eating their crayons rather than answering the test with them. We’ve experimented with giving them pencils but, regrettably, these things just use them to torture the weakest member of their class.”

“These SATs figures should not cause alarm to anybody,” he stressed. “If you’re the kind of parent who gives a flying fuck about your child’s prospects, your child passed. If, on the other hand, your hellspawn has turned out to be some sort of illiterate baboon creature - well, even if you can read their results, you’re probably over the moon that they’re upholding a proud family tradition, aren’t you?”

Anarcho Squad To Arrest Francis Maude

Francis Maude, or someone who looks quite like him

City of Westminster police are preparing to storm the Houses of Parliament this aftrernoon, after a call for the public to inform on anarchists resulted in switchboards being jammed with warnings about the Conservative party, and Cabinet Office minister Francis Maude in particular.

“Anarchism is a political philosophy which considers the state undesirable, unnecessary, and harmful, and instead promotes a stateless society, or anarchy,” warned the City of Westminster’s counter-terrorism focus desk, on the same day that Mr Maude cheerfully admitted the wholesale wanton destruction of the machinery of government – with 17,000 civil servants taken out and many major infrastructure projects stopped dead in their tracks as part of a carefully-orchestrated £3.75bn assault on the very foundations of state.

“This is just scratching the surface of what we have planned for the coming months and years,” taunted the black-suited Maude on his notorious anarchist website, http://www.cabinetoffice.gov.uk.

“Remember, lads, the primary objective is this jumped-up little prick Maude, who struts around the gaff looking like Boris Yeltsin,” Inspector Savage of the Westminster Bastard Squad briefed his team as they eagerly smacked their nail-encrusted truncheons into their gloved palms. “But if you happen to see that budget-slashing creep Cameron, or his nihilist accomplices George Osborne or Theresa May, the odd riot shield in the teeth certainly won’t go amiss.”

News Goes On Strike

Almost all of the world’s news has gone on strike in sympathy with BBC journalists, the nation's newsdesks reported today.

“We’re reduced to rewriting yesterday’s stories about the US budget crisis, crackdowns in Syria and the Norwegian gunman,” said one sub-editor. “If this keeps up, pretty soon we’ll run out of news completely and have to resort to filling our pages with ill-informed opinion pieces off the tops of our heads.”

“So it’s basically business as usual,” he added.

A spokesman for the striking news said: “”.

Labour Still Under Misapprehension That Better-Off Would Actually Set Foot Inside NHS Hospitals

Not if my bloody life depended on it, say Tory voters

Despite decades of private healthcare take-up by everyone who has the wherewithal to put a price on their health, the Labour Party today angrily accused the government of transferring funds to NHS trusts in Tory-supporting parts of the country - at the expense of its own voters in the provincial urban warzones.

"A responsible government, which cared about health and equalities, that cared about the health of the poor, would not be taking money away from inner-city areas full of uncritical lifelong Labour supporters,” said shadow health minister Diane Abbott, adding: “This isn’t about politics.”

“What on earth makes you think we’re spending more on the NHS in Conservative strongholds, you silly woman?” retorted health secretary Angela Lansbury. “That would be like the Queen taking the burnt-out shell of car out of a scrapyard, giving it a quick coat of whitewash and setting it up on bricks in front of Buckingham Palace, wouldn’t it?”

Voters in the Tory heartlands were equally dismissive of the Labour claims.

“I’d welcome the government putting more cash into the Royal Surrey,” commented futures trader Rob Blind of Guildford, as he booked himself in for mole removal at the private Nuffield cosmetic surgery clinic on the same site as the NHS county hospital. “As long as they spend it on screening the bloody thing with poplars, so I don’t have to look at hordes of diseased paupers wheeling their drips around as they hunt for somewhere to have a fag.”

Jenson Button Hoax Taken Down

Formula One racing driver Jenson Button was taken offline today, after his shocked and angry fans discovered they had been the victims of an elaborate hoax.

Which one's Button?

“We apologise unreservedly for this tasteless hoax which has been perpetrated on the British public for many years,” admitted a red-faced McLaren spokesman, “But there is absolutely no truth in the existence of Jenson Button. He was started as a joke by the Williams team in the 2000 race season, and we - along with all the other teams he’s supposedly driven for - kept the joke going because we don’t like it to be generally known that Formula One cars pretty much drive themselves nowadays, with just a little input from the race engineers to tweak a parameter or two between pit-stops.”

“As for Lewis Hamilton, he drives one of our trucks from one track to another,” he added sheepishly. “We thought it would be a laugh to dress a black guy up in racing overalls and see if anyone fell for it. All the teams do this sort of thing. If you go to any of the European races, you’ll find the chap selling you an ice cream is probably ‘Fernando Alonso’.”

Sports aficionados, meanwhile, are laughing at the gullibility of F1 fans – pointing out that, for many years now, not a single ‘driver’ has anything which could be described as a personality.