Wrong Hitchens Dead: God Resigns

After blowing the key theological principle of divine infallibility out of the water by calling the wrong Hitchens brother unto his bosom, God today called a press conference to announce his immediate resignation and the permanent closing down of Heaven.

God, you idiot

“What can I say? I cocked up,” admitted the creator of the universe. “Removing Christopher Hitchens, one of humanity’s few remaining intellectual giants, from the earth whilst leaving his loony brother Peter behind to torment you offers the clearest possible proof that I simply do not exist. Christopher has been making this point crystal clear to me since he died, and I have to admit he’s got me there.”

“Bill Hicks backed him up, too, when I delivered his birthday card,” added God sheepishly.

In the absence of an all-powerful deity and an afterlife, God expressed the hope that the human race might finally start treating each other with a bit of respect and dignity - although he acknowledged that, with hindsight, this was another area in which he has failed miserably.

Firefighters Standing By To Douse Rapture Preacher’s Fiery Trousers

Harold Camping, the 89-year-old Californian evangelist whose Holy Slide Rule Of Jesus told him the Rapture would take place “beyond a shadow of a doubt” at 6pm today, has been surrounded by firefighters who are ready to spray him with thousands of gallons of water at the first sign of smoke pouring from his trousers.

The rolling Rapture has so far passed over New Zealand and Australia without any reports of fervent God-botherers rocketing spaceward at 6pm local time - although Fortean observers warn that this should not necessarily be taken as proof that Mr Camping is full of shit, pointing out that the special kind of Christians the engineer-turned-prophet probably had in mind are almost exclusively confined to the United States.

Don't mock, O ye of little faith - it could happen

However, they added that they are particularly looking forward to the passing of the deadline in California, hoping to ask the self-appointed harbinger of the world’s end whether his own widely-expected non-elevation to heaven means he is a bloody liar, a silly old fart or just a God-damned sin-loving bastard like the rest of us.

NASA scientists, meanwhile, have calculated that the phased passage of the Rapture across the surface of the Earth suggests that, far from being present everywhere at once, God can be presumed to lie somewhere along a precise tangent to both the Earth’s axis and the direction of the sun.

“We’re pointing Hubble thataways right now,” said NASA’s Dr Randy Von Braun. “If we can follow the trail of exploding Christians through space, we should be able to get a pretty good fix on Heaven.”

Exasperated God Calls Press Conference

Supreme being God today took the unprecedented step today of holding a press conference, to angrily denounce Chancellor George Osborne’s efforts to blame Britain’s woeful economic performance on the weather.

Smiting the nation’s leading financial journalists with heart attacks, God led each of them through a tunnel of light to his heavenly press suite, and promised that paramedics would revive them in time to file their extraordinary copy.

“OK, so every so often I light a little volcano or shake the ground a bit, just to see if you’ve started loving one another yet,” he admitted. “Hey, if you’d existed from before time began, you’d get a bit bored too. But I want to make one thing crystal clear: I don’t run the weather. That’s part of a complex, self-regulating ecosystem which I designed to run itself. And it ran itself perfectly well, thank you, until you buggers came along.”

Cameras capture the moment God struck

“So now that little worm Osborne tries to wriggle off the hook by claiming that your toytown state’s economy has suddenly thrown itself into reverse entirely because of a little bit of cold weather - and you fell for it!” God laughed scornfully. “Oh, for My sake - I gave you free will. Use it! Up to the end of September, your economy was recovering slowly. Now it’s collapsing by half a percent. Osborne pulls the weather out of his hat and blithely tells you it accounts for exactly a suspiciously-convenient half a percent, and you all clap like bloody seals and miss the blindingly obvious point that, even if his desperate conjuring trick is real, your precious little recovery has just flatlined.”

“OK, so let’s put to one side the rather strange inconsistency in his argument, i.e. that this terrible weather seems to have prevented people from buying stuff, but somehow not from going to work to make stuff,” he explained, as His Son held up a helpful diagram showing a rise in manufacturing output. “It got a bit nippy – that’s all that happened. It’s happened before - the only difference is that, instead of the contingency plans your dull little officials with their bowler hats and umbrellas used to dust off every few years and put into action, these days your tacky little island is run by a gang of thieves in Armani suits exclusively for the benefit of an even bigger gang of thieves in Armani suits, and the only ‘plan’ they have is to shrug and point at me, then go back to counting their loot.”

“Well, they can piss right off, because I’m not standing for it any more,” roared an angry God. “When you wake up, tell them I’ve got their bloody cards marked. Watch Osborne closely from now on. Because I promise you he’s going to be frantically scratching his sorry, boil-infested arse raw whenever he thinks nobody’s looking.”

The BBC later apologised.

'Why Wouldn't I Be Voting BNP?' Demands Jesus

In an unprecedented publicity coup for the British National Party, Jesus descended from heaven today and told a press conference that he would certainly be voting for the far-right party in the forthcoming European and county elections.

"I nearly fell off my cloud yesterday when I heard that beardy-weirdy Welshman and his houseboy telling people not to vote BNP," said the Son of God. "My old man's pretty hacked off too, I can tell you - and the Holy Ghost was so narked, he went white as a sheet."

"I went to a lot of trouble to set up an organisation where like-minded people would slavishly give up their freedom in return for being told what to think and do by some bossy fanatic in fancy dress," explained Jesus. "I demand total obedience from my followers, and anyone who disagrees can go to hell. If that's not a working definition of fascism, I don't know what it is."

"Just look at the Church of Scotland," explained our Lord and Saviour. "In a misguided attempt to move with the times, they've just gone and let a poofter in. So full marks to my loyal Jock bigots for threatening to split the kirk in two unless they run the bum-bandit out of town covered in feathers, that's what it's all about. I think you'll find my dad was quite clear on what to do with his sort."

"So I say a vote for the BNP is a vote for Christian values," concluded the Holy Lamb of God, as his beard started to peel off. "They'll make you proud to be a godfearing British fascist, or my name's not Nick Griffin."

"Bollocks," he added.

God Receives Accolade From Cyberspace For Developing 'Real' World

God has been acknowledged as the most bankable deity, in a list published in the World of Warcraft.

"God has created a fantastic 'real' world," said a humble shepherd-turned-paladin, Elorian the Wanderer. "Every single day, many people spend several hours in his highly-detailed realm engaged in all kinds of mundane activities. For example, my real character lives the reckless, heroic life of an estate agent."

"It's not just about raising families and working hard to make ends meet," he enthused. "Lots of people are fighting and dying in God's world, just for the fun of it really."

"There's just so much going on," he added, but conceded: "Although, of course there will always be some people who just give it a cursory glance and decide they prefer virtual reality."

Since God created his award-winning World in 4004BC, it has attracted an ever-growing number of followers.

"There are currently over six billion subscribers to the World of God, and the numbers are growing every day," said a spokesman for the bankable developer, the improbably-named Pope Benedict XVI. "All of them are happy to keep paying through the nose for the privilege of staying in the game."

The white-garbed cleric then went back to his favourite real-life pastime, wandering through the 'Holy Realm' stirring up trouble by spreading his chaotic, evil beliefs.

Nine Christians Killed By Sulking God

Nine Brazilian Christians have died, and more than a hundred were injured, when God callously allowed the roof of their Sao Paulo church to fall in on them on Sunday.

Estevam and Sonia Hernandez, the God-fearing founders of the evangelical Reborn In Christ Church - who are wanted in Brazil on charges of money laundering, and were arrested for arriving in Miami in 2007 without declaring $56,000 in cash - told surviving followers: "There must be a reason for so much suffering."

"Too bloody right there is," answered a wrathful Lord of Hosts. "I've been busting My ass recently, saving people all over the world from horrible fiery death, and what thanks do I get? A load of buses trundling round saying I don't exist. Well, fuck you. Fuck the lot of you sideways, you miserable bastards."

The Reborn In Christ movement claims that the former cinema's structure complied with building regulations, despite its temporary closure in 1999 after termites were found in the rafters.

"We preached the word of God to the termites," a spokesman told reporters, "And they joyfully accepted Him into their lives and humbly repented their sinful roof-devouring ways."

In an attempt to placate their angry Redeemer, Italian authorities moved swiftly to ban a poster campaign planned along similar lines - but the ex-Saviour of Mankind was unimpressed, saying that Italy was firmly in the grip of the Catholic Church and they would have done it anyway.

"And another thing," fumed God. "Any piss-taking so-called church whose ambassador to the world is a football-kicker called Shit is just plain asking for a spot of traditional Old Testament-style retribution."

God Saves Yet Another Airliner

God is once again basking in headline glory, after single-handedly saving all 155 passengers and crew aboard the US Airways Airbus that came down in the Hudson River yesterday.

"It's nothing less than a miracle," said damp-but-intact passenger José Credialos. "If our merciful Lord and Saviour hadn't taught emergency procedures to the pilot, designed flotation chambers into the wings, and given us the gift of boats, I'd surely be in bloody chunks at the bottom of the river right now. Yes sir, I sure would like to shake Almighty God by the hand."

Reporters were swift to praise the pilot, Chesley B Sullenberger III, for having the humility to sit back and allow our Blessed Redeemer to fly the stricken A320 airliner safely down to a perfect ditching.

"I had nothing whatever to do with this," New York's Mayor Michael Bloomberg told a press conference. "But I'd like to thank God for this heaven-sent opportunity to bask in the media spotlight as if I did."

God-fearing air accident investigators say their investigation will focus on the possibility that the airliner's engines suffered catastrophic failure after ingesting a flock of geese shortly after take-off.

"It's too early to say anything for definite at this stage," said chief investigator Pastor Faith Gottlieb. "But it's quite likely that our list of recommendations to the civil aviation authorities will highlight the need for kneelers behind every seat, the singing of hymns during take-off, cruise and landing and the presence of an ordained minister of the Lord on every flight deck."

Meanwhile, outgoing President George W Bush told the nation that he had awarded the Lord a nice shiny medal for His miraculous intervention, and promised that America would leave no stone unturned in its search for the twisted minds behind the cowardly suicide-goose attack.

"Even as I speak, experts from the Office of Homeland Security are combing world maps for Goosistan," he warned. "One last big invasion before I go sure would send me off in style."

It's The End Of The World As We Know It

Scientists breathed a collective sigh of relief yesterday at 8.31 yesterday morning, when it became apparent that the switching-on of the Large Hadron Collider had not brought about the collapse of the entire universe.

Critics, doomsayers, net-surfers, sci-fi anoraks and psychic mediums had all predicted that man’s arrogant, overreaching quest to recreate the conditions that existed seconds after the Big Bang would inevitably result in a disaster of infinite magnitude as the Earth collapsed into a giant black hole, setting off a cataclysmic chain reaction which would engulf the entire universe in a split-second.

However, when the big red button was pressed at the CERN Laboratory in Switzerland there was nothing but a dull hum, followed by the chattering of printers as they began recording measurements from a battery of instruments around the 17-mile circumference of the underground particle accelerator.

The champagne had barely stopped flowing, however, when a large black sphere appeared in mid-air, bursting open to reveal a gateway to a parallel universe. Cheers turned to screams as an army of unstoppable Cybermen poured into our dimension, firing on everything that moved.

As the cyber-troops spread out to create further mayhem, the rip in the fabric of space and time disgorged a horde of invisible brain-things, Captain Kirk’s evil twin, a hovering red robot with magimix hands, a legion of fighting Uruk-Hai, a dancing crimson-suited midget talking backwards, Godzilla, the Crawling Chaos, a dishevelled man with a chainsaw strapped to his arm and a shop assistant with a great big gun.

Switzerland was overrun by lunchtime, leaving the United Nations with little option but to nuke the entire region. However, before the desperate plan could be implemented, the elusive Higgs Boson – the so-called ‘God particle’ – finally emerged from the still-running Collider.

“Worship me,” boomed a deep, commanding voice inside the heads of everyone on the planet, “And I will rid your world of this pestilence from beyond!”

As the world quickly assented, the particle accelerator powered itself down and the rampaging hordes disappeared in a theatrical puff of smoke.

World leaders are said to be hastily arranging schedules and venues for mass acts of obeisance and sacrifice to the terrible, all-powerful, sub-atomic-particle deity, which will have to be appeased for the rest of human history if further outbreaks of chaos are to be averted.

Meanwhile, surviving physicists emerged from their hiding places at the CERN labs, saying: “Cool! Let’s run that again - but with full power this time.”

And The Balls Shall Set You Free

Children’s Secretary Ed Balls has announced that failing schools must raise their educational standards, or face being closed down or turned into privately-funded academies.

Announcing the injection of £400m into schools which miss the target of 30% of pupils achieving at least five GCSE grade Cs, Mr Balls said: “If local authorities cannot give children a decent education, then what better solution than to hand the schools to well-financed religious fundamentalists, who are very keen to teach pupils the basics they need to qualify as valued members of a modern society - namely that evolution is nothing but a wicked lie of Satan’s, to spread doubts that the world was created by an omnipotent deity in seven 24-hour days?”

Some voices have been raised against the plans - claiming that, in many Christian-funded academies, religious indoctrination has spilled over into almost every lesson.

“With all due respect to Mr Balls – and with a name like that, frankly that’s not a lot – I don’t see how giving a child a first-century education is going to prepare them for the twenty-first,” said a leading member of the ape family, who will surely burn in hell for all eternity. “The state is washing its hands of responsibility for educating our children, and delivering them into the clutches of a bunch of rich lunatics who think God chats with them on a daily basis. This backwards scheme is typical Balls.”

The Children’s Secretary responded by saying that Britain’s social and economic prospects hinged on the belief that miracles can, and indeed do, happen.

Blair to Devote Life to Promoting Self-Belief

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair says he intends to devote the rest of his life to uniting the world’s religions.

Launching his religious foundation in New York, the recent Catholic convert and advisor to Mammon said that faith could be ‘a civilising force in globalisation’, telling Time magazine that religious belief had given him strength while in power.

“Hey, look,” said Mr Blair, “All I’m saying is that God is a pretty regular kind of guy, and if everyone had faith then all of the world’s problems would be solved instantly.”

“Obviously I’m not talking about nutters who blow themselves up,” he went on. “But I think people want a straight-talking sort of God - someone who moves among them in a very real sense, bringing peace to the Middle East and prosperity to the financial community. Someone with experience of leading a nation in times of war, or indeed leading a nation into war. If only we could find a figure of such stature. What, me? Hey, it honestly never occurred to me. But if the world were to ask me to be their God, then I suppose I would have to humbly consider the voice of the people before accepting the role that was thrust upon me.”

Did Christ Die For Our Sins? You Bet

Changes in the UK’s gambling laws mean that gamblers can have a flutter on Good Friday for the first time since high-street betting was legalised in 1961. Bookies are now free to open every day of the year except for Christmas Day - and while no horses are running in Britain today, overseas events and greyhound racing are likely to be popular bets.

Church leaders have, however, criticised the move, and are urging people not to bet on the day of Christ’s Passion and his death on the cross in expiation of our sins.

However, the bookmakers argue that, in today’s secularised society, people should be free to make up their own minds on how to waste their money, adding that their Easter operations would be sensitive and tactful.

Christians are being offered odds of 1500-1 on the Second Coming, 250-1 on the Apocalypse or 15-1 on the Pope inadvertently giving a Nazi salute in his traditional Easter address. Extra-confident and zealous believers can also bet on whether they will be among the 5,000 Elect taken into heaven in the Rapture.

As well as the option of paying tax on their stake or their winnings, gamblers can likewise choose to pay an additional tithe supporting the ecclesiastical mission of the holy church - although it is not clear whether any of the established churches will accept filthy lucre tainted with the blood of Christ from sinning bookies.

In what some observers see as an attempt to tackle the forces of Mammon on their home ground, one vicar in St Austell is offering his flock 100-1 on the wrath of God being visited upon the local William Hill branch, perhaps in the form of a thunderbolt or a plague of boils.