Everyone In Britain Too Busy Raping Children To Heed Deputy Children’s Commissioner’s Warning

Every girl in Britain has been repeatedly gang-raped by the age of 11, deputy children’s commissioner Sue Chickenowitz-Littlowitz shrieked at a shocked Commons Affairs Committee today.

“As one police officer who was the lead in a very big investigation in a very lovely, leafy, rural part of the country said to me: ‘There isn't a town, village or hamlet in which children are not being sexually exploited.’ Well, what he actually said when I put it to him was “Er, I wouldn’t know about that exactly, missus’ - but that’s not a denial, is it???” the wide-eyed chicken screeched in horror. "We should start from the assumption that all the children in Britain are being sexually exploited right the way across the country!!! By everybody!!! All the time!!! Even as we speak!!!”

Ban this evil thing now

The frantic Ms Chickenowitz-Littlowitz painted a grim picture of innocence lost, in which the wicked internet monster slyly lures sweet little girls into the nearest park with false promises of sugar, spice and all things nice, whereupon hundreds of local boys – all of them transformed into sex-crazed maniacs by a dangerous cocktail of slugs, snails and puppy-dogs’ tails – cruelly force them to perform something horrid on their tiny winkies for two hours each.

"I wish I could say to you that such things are uncommon,” she screeched, “But I'm afraid they are quite common!!! And parental blocks on the internet won’t help, because it’s the parents who are encouraging it, I tell you!!! Arrest them all immediately!!!"

When the astonished committee cautiously thanked the wild-eyed Ms Chickenowitz-Littlowitz for her valuable time and told her they would take her “most interesting” statement under advisement, she launched herself across the desk, clawing at their trousers and demanding to know where they had hidden their underage sex slaves.

Canadian Porn Killer Offered Cabinet Post

David Cameron confirmed today that Luka Rocco Magnotta - the Canadian porn actor, murderer and lunatic noted for posting chunks of his late girlfriend to all and sundry - has been invited to join the Cabinet as a minister without portfolio.

The PM is confident that nobody will get the chop

“Luka has an exceptional gift for making savage cuts, will screw anything that moves for money and feels that accepted standards of behaviour don’t apply to him,” explained the prime minister as he opened bail negotiations with the authorities in Berlin, where the maniac was caught.

“He’ll fit right in,” he added.

Bishop Of London Appalled Yet Strangely Fascinated By The Jeremy Kyle Show

The Rt Rev Richard Chartreuse, the Bishop of London, has launched a devastating critique of Britain’s moral collapse, after religiously watching The Jeremy Kyle Show ever since its first outbreak in 2005.

“As we celebrate the Jubilee of our justly popular monarch, we have an opportunity to ask some wider questions in the spirit of Jubilee, to pause, look back and ask where we are as a nation, and where we are going,” the prominent churchman writes in a Bible Society pamphlet which he has faithfully posted to every MP and the Daily Mail. “Down the blooming khazi, I reckon.”

“Promiscuity, separation and divorce have reached epidemic proportions in our society, where it is now considered quite the done thing to impregnate your sister-in-law whilst stealing money from the baby you swear isn’t yours in order to support your drug addiction, then blame everything on your alcoholic mother,” he explained, adding: “One simply never heard of such things 60 years ago, when the Queen ascended to the throne and I was 4.”

The C of E bishop went on to suggest that the Jubilee could be used to “focus on hope” and “reset” the nation like a big wonky computer.

Maybe it's not such a bad idea after all

“Lacking any credible narrative as I am, what Britain desperately needs is a Lizzie & Phil Show,” he opined gravely. “I’m sure Prince Philip would jump at the chance to drown out his wife’s subjects by reminding them whose names are on the wall before abruptly ordering them out of his sight, directing them to a circular antechamber in which Her Majesty would kindly offer them her expert guidance based on 86 years of automatic moral superiority.”

When reminded of the exemplary relationships of Prince Charles, Princess Anne and Prince Andrew, Dr Chartreuse turned and said: “Coming up: Jesus tells a feckless waster who has never done a proper day’s work in his life to stop sitting on his fat arse all day long in front of the telly, and go and do something useful for once.”

He then solemnly held up a placard extolling the irrestistible simplicity of online bingo, and regretted that he was right out of time, quite out of touch and might be from outer space.

Nobody Threatening To Kill Anyone For Wanting $100k Handbag

After receiving death threats for hacking a $100,000 Hermes Birkin handbag apart with a chainsaw and setting fire to it on her reality TV show, Clint Eastwood’s daughter Franscesca says she is still no closer to discovering why nobody has been marked for death for wanting to waste $100,000 on one in the first place.

Hoo-ee, gals, we's gonna have us a lynchin'!

“Ma paw blowed millions to keep Sondra Locke a-hangin’ on his arm, but wun’t nobody tol’ him he was gonna die for it,” pouted the 18-year-old model. “An’ hell, she could be -and was - comprehensively out-acted by a goddam gibberin’ monkey. Reckon them death threats is a-comin’ from jealous Hermes customers who done staked their claim on these here bags an’ are still waitin’ on a delivery.”

Mr Eastwood, meanwhile, vowed to track down the low-down dirty scum who threatened his purty daughter and bring them to justice.

“I know what you’re thinking,” he sneered. “Being as this is a $100k Hermes, the most power-dressing handbag in the world, and would blow your neighbours clean away, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel needy? Well, do ya, punk?”

Your Children’s Irredeemable Ghastliness Might Possibly Have Something To Do With Yours

The spoilt behaviour, self-obsessed attitudes and impossible expectations of your godawful spawn could conceivably be in some way connected to your spoilt behaviour, self-obsessed attitudes and impossible expectations, Ofsted chief inspector Sir Michael Wilshaw told Britain’s appalling parents – i.e. you - moments before sealing himself inside the well-stocked secret bunker where he will spend the rest of his life avoiding your wrath.

Oh look, it's the latterday Virgin Mary

“It might have helped a bit if you hadn’t appointed Jordan - a walking orange whose tits drip silicates - as the 21st-century equivalent of Dr Benjamin Spock,” he warned sadly. “And perhaps if you hadn’t delegated all responsibility for your offspring’s welfare and development to their poor bloody teachers, the DVD player and a Nintendo DS Lite, they might even consider standing on their own two feet one day, instead of plaguing you with incessant, whining demands until the merciful day that you die. Which, needless to say, they will never forgive you for.”

“But hey, don’t listen to me because I’m only some sort of expert, so what do I know?” Sir Michael added ruefully, as the hatch closed over his head forever. “Whereas you, of course, were born knowing it all.”

‘Decent, Hard-Working Families’ Exposed As Spiteful Daily Mail-Reading Desk Jockeys Contemplating Divorce

Look at the good, honest sweat pouring off him

A nationwide search for the ‘decent, hard-working families’ whose interests and approval are the driving force behind David Cameron's government has revealed that they are all sitting on their fat arses in front of a spreadsheet from nine to five, furiously whipping themselves up into a chorus of hate over the latest welfare-state atrocity which the Daily Mail has kindly brought to their attention, whilst mentally crossing off the days until their feeble-minded children are finally old enough to be told that mummy and daddy are sick and tired of tolerating each other’s selfish emotional and physical demands.

Mr Cameron, however, dismissed the findings as “irrelevant” as he seeks to drag the Lords and Europe kicking and screaming into the 21st century and abolish the outdated concepts of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and replace morality with the universal human values of ‘me’, ‘me’ and ‘me’.

Archbishop Spreads The Word ‘Cunt’

Praise the cunt

Retired archbishop George Carey urged Britain to join him in worshipping a golden statue of a calf adorned with the twisted, snarling features of Mail editor-in-chief Paul Dacre.

“I worshipped that softy loser Christ all my life, and all I ever got out of it was a pointy hat and a stick,” preached the former Archbishop of Canterbury. “Bollocks to that. My new lord and paymaster, Paul Dacre Almighty, says those who faithfully accept his message of selfishness and greed into their hearts can redeem real, tangible rewards right here on earth."

"Like this cheque made out to ‘That cunt Carey’," he proclaimed joyfully. "Hallelujah!”

Cameron Recalibrates Britain’s Moral Compass

After writing a letter of support to Tory backbencher Aidan Burley, who is morally outraged by public funding of union reps in public-sector workplaces, prime minister David Cameron has issued some helpful moral guidance concerning pure and impure uses of taxpayers’ money for the benefit of the British public.

IMMORAL USE OF PUBLIC FUNDS:

- That scheming trot who helps people with their employment rights

MORAL USE OF PUBLIC FUNDS:

It's all good

- The ongoing military occupation of Afghanistan
- Biological weapons research at Porton Down
- A new generation of nuclear missiles
- International arms fairs
- Constructing an aircraft carrier for which there is no operational requirement
- The Metropolitan Police
- Train operating companies
- Atos Medical and the tribunals which overturn 40% of their decisions
- The Duke Of York
- MPs’ expenses
- Aidan Burley
- David Cameron

The Nev Filter Book Club Choice: Little Dorries, by Charles Dickens

Little Dorries, hot on the trail of the evil Mrs Stopes

This month we’ll be following the heartwarming tale of little Nadine Dorries, in Dickens’ masterful tale of shocking Victorian values, as she struggles to drag women’s rights back to the 19th century!

We’ll thrill to her epic battle to stop the wicked, profit-mongering back street abortionist Mrs Stopes from offering impartial advice and the use of her red-hot poker to fallen women!

We’ll weep for joy at her valiant efforts to drive the harlots to seek impartial threats of everlasting torment in the fires of hell instead, from celibate priests whose idea of family planning is the head of the household dutifully scattering his seed over his wife and chattel’s bosom whilst praising the Almighty for his bountiful abundance!

This month’s movie choice: 12m Angry Women

That Fat Bastard On The Sick Who Lives Three Doors Down Is Undoubtedly A Junkie, Warns Government, And He’s Pissing Your Money Up Against The Wall

That's him, officer

The government told you today that the shut-in gutbucket on sickness benefits who lives a couple of doors down from you is laughing his fat arse off at you as he swills down gallons of prescription cider and pumps free heroin into his veins, all paid for out of your bloody taxes.

You turned a nasty shade of purple, according to eyewitnesses, and shouted, “I’ll fix his little game, the lazy fucking thief!” before grabbing the phone and grassing him up to the DWP, insisting under condition of strict anonymity that you saw him kicking a football about in the park last Sunday with his mates and he looked fit as a bloody fiddle to you.

The government later expressed gratitude for public-spirited paragons like you, adding that the only reason people were in wheelchairs was that their legs were so riddled with puncture marks that it would be like trying to walk on two leaking balloons.

Later, you hooted with glee as you photographed your neighbour being squeezed into in a police car, before enthusiastically uploading the images to Facebook to start a hate campaign against him.

Look, Now You’ve Made Phillip Schofield Sad

Aww, wook at his sad witow eyes

ITV viewers were branded ‘cruel’ today by a protective Ofcom, after their complaints about something said by one twerp to another on some shit skating show upset dear little Phillip Schofield, 48.

2,000 of the sort of creature that watches ITV instead of enjoying the only life it’s got jammed switchboards with their sub-lingual bleating on Saturday night, after a thing called Karen Barber said something petty and spiteful about a thing called Jason Gardiner, after the Gardiner thing had cynically attempted to award points based on a newbie skater’s actual performance rather than his VC.

When poor little Phillip – who may or may not have something to do with the ratings-whoring undertaking, as if it matters – heard about the complaints, bless his little cotton socks, he poured his little heart out on Twitter.

“It’s crazy,” wailed the nicest little chap in television. “I like Auntie Karen lots, and I like Uncle Jason lots too. Will they really have to be put in the stocks next week and pelted with rotten cabbages? I don’t understand when people get cross, and now I’m all upset.”

Ofcom later confirmed that it would be investigating the nasty, horrid complainants, with a view to banning them from owning a television until they learn to say only nice things about people in future.

Channel 4 Keen To Prove Its Existence With Footage Of Frankie Boyle Crapping Satirically Into Ethnic Child’s Wheelchair

And tonight he's going to fuck your mum in the name of comedy

The long-forgotten Channel 4 is mounting an increasingly desperate campaign to remind viewers that it still exists, by threatening to air live footage of unwanted ginger child Frankie Boyle stamping around the streets of London in an attempt to outrage everybody he meets.

“Believe it or not, Channel 4 is still here, still broadcasting away merrily to itself and still hacking away at the cutting edge of television,” ranted some cokehead nobody with a very expensive pair of glasses, who insisted he was its Head of Comedy. “But you probably fucking missed last night’s fantastic airing of Frankie’s satire masterpiece, ‘Rohypnol Nights’ - in which he hilariously told a little piccaninny with leukaemia to fuck off and kicked some blind wog bint under a passing bus – because you were watching some boring old toss like the Goodies, you provincial brain-dead cunts.”

“If you have the rudimentary intelligence to find us on your digital boxes, don’t miss Jimmy Carr pissing into a quadraplegic ex-serviceman’s eyes on Christmas Day,” he added. “It’s funny in an incredibly sophisticated way, even if you’re all too bloody repressed to appreciate it. And please, please help to spread the word that we’re still here by visiting our website, typing your name into the Outraged Viewer letter and clicking the ‘email to every Tory MP’ link. We need the publicity.”

“Shitty Christmas, everybody, and we wish you all AIDS in the New Year!” he added waggishly.

Condoms Are Only Sanctified For Sex With Depraved Hellbound Blasphemies, Warns Vatican

The Pope has surprised many of his followers

The Catholic authorities are today seeking to downplay the Pope’s unexpected change of heart on the use of condoms, explaining that the “exceptional circumstances” cited in his announcement referred specifically and exclusively to situations in which practicing Catholics may find themselves required, within the context of their obligations to Christ, to fornicate for purely procreative purposes with an obscene, sinful homosexualist monstrosity who is assuredly damned to hell for all eternity.

“Or Father Donnelly, as some of you may know him,” explained a Vatican spokesman helpfully.

Government Not Apologising For Giving The Finger To 60m People Live On Air

The Tory-Lib Dem coalition did not apologise today after sticking its fingers up to every person of the UK who isn’t a director of a multinational or a bank for 100 consecutive days, every single time a smiling minister appeared on television to announce the latest hatchet the government is vigorously applying to your hopes and dreams of living happily ever after.

“Every time I turn on the BBC News Channel, I’m horrified to see some grinning, amateurish jackass from the cabinet brazenly giving one or two fingers to my hopes for the future of my children,” complained a typical outraged viewer. “They immediately try to cover up their childish insult by pretending to be shocked by their own bravado, while an experienced presenter offers some lame apology of an interview, but really just lets them off the hook. It’s not good enough.”

Elderly Lady Launches Scathing Attack On The State Of Things Nowadays

The morality of the times is today withering under a hail of blistering criticism from a little old lady who is telling everybody she meets that “it’s all sex, sex, sex.”

Doughty Mrs Joan Bakewell suddenly launched her tirade at a surprised care assistant who had just brought her breakfast tray, saying that everything “started going wrong in the sixties, when all those drug-crazed hippies started calling for free love, with their long hair and what have you.” She added that she was “seventy-seven!” before adding, “Seventy-seven!”

Warming to her theme, Mrs Bakewell harangued her dozing fellow-residents of the Sunset Home For Retired Broadcasters with a devastating critique of the pill, the legalisation of abortion, bra-burning lesbian suffragettes and the horrors of the Woodstock Festival.

“Them and their sexual revolution!” she raged, drowning out the familiar drone of Breakfast Television X in the residents’ lounge. “They even said sex was pleasurable and wholesome, when we all know perfectly well that it’s dirty and wicked and only to be tolerated when the husband instructs his lady wife that he’s very much afraid to say the time has come to create an heir to carry on the family name.”

“Now it’s sex, sex, sex everywhere you look,” she thundered, spilling tea everywhere. “We tried to tell them that women are pretty little fools who couldn’t make a sensible decision if our lives depended on it, but would they listen? Oh no! So now we’re in a pretty pass where single mums, without the reassuring authority of a man in the household, dress their poor little bastards – and I’m sorry, but that’s the only proper word - dress their little bastards in push-up bras and crotchless nappies before cheerfully delivering them into the clutches of perverts in raincoats outside the school gates!”

“And I’ll tell you another thing,” she fumed. “Every week in Smith’s I have to fumble through yards of the vilest pornography imaginable to find a copy of the People’s Friend. Where will it all end?”

Eventually Mrs Bakewell’s shrieks woke veteran newshorse Richard Baker from his daydreams, causing him to mumble that back in the sixties the most prominent campaigner for sexual liberation was, in fact, her.

With barely a pause for breath, Mrs Bakewell described Mr Baker’s recollections as the senile ramblings of a silly old twit, maintaining stoutly that “that Mrs Whitehouse had the right idea” and adding that she was seventy-seven before the duty manager finally managed to convince her to take her tablets.

Baby Causes Britain's Irratiometer To Oscillate Violently

The pendulum flew off the national mood swingometer today, as the British public - who, only days ago, were clamouring their support for former health secretary Patricia Hewitt's proposals to not prosecute those who help incurable, pain-wracked relatives to travel abroad to die with dignity in assisted-suicide clinics - furiously demanded the death penalty for doctors who obtained a court order allowing an incurable, pain-wracked baby to die with dignity.

'Baby OT', who had a rare metabolic disorder, brain damage and respiratory failure, died today after the Court of Appeal authorised medical staff to turn off the ventilator which was maintaining the child's agonised, futile existence.

When the death of Baby OT was announced, however, Harriet Harman's Court of Public Opinion swiftly yanked the gears of the national mood into reverse, causing a terrible grinding noise as the public's brains turned somersaults in their heads.

"This is eugenics, pure and simple, as practiced without mercy by Hitler and his warped cronies," said a irrational schizophrenic shopper in a Waitrose car park. "When these so-called medics forget their Hippocratic Oath and grant themselves the right to choose who lives and who dies, we are living in the Fourth Reich. To me, someone who is enduring the unspeakable agonies of an incurable, failing body looks like some wrinkly old fart in a wheelchair, and I don't mind them being sent on their way early."

"My parents, for example, are living far too long and are of no use to anybody," she continued, "And I can just see their valuable house being sold to pay for care in their twilight years, leaving me with absolutely bugger all. So if I want them humanely killed to end my financial suffering, why the hell shouldn't I be free to pack them off to a Dignitas clinic? Whereas this is a cute widdle baby. Aww."

The Nev Filter went out into the streets to ask the public how many years of unbearable suffering they thought the baby should have endured before its cuteness faded enough for them to feel comfortable about putting it out of its misery, but only received funny looks.

Switzerland Mortified By Unashamed Display of Public Nudity

A Swiss canton is hastily seeking to rewrite its laws, after a shameless Gordon Brown outraged public decency by strutting naked and proud around the mountain resort of Davos this weekend.

Mr Brown - an enthusiastic adherent of FKU, or ‘free money culture’ - astonished the world’s diplomats by brazenly climbing onto the stage at the annual meeting of the World Economic Forum, wearing not a single stitch to cover his embarrassment.

The naked PM then embarked upon a long ramble, with bare-faced rubbish about the painter Titian and global solutions with no historical analogies, and called for the rebuilding of outdated institutions like the International Monetary Fund which - along with the Tories, the press and the general public - he castigated for deepening the financial crisis by brazenly telling the naked truth about it.

“Gordon Brown great big dick to be coming here and waving wrinkly old bollocks in face of delegates,” said a shocked and angry Vladimir Putin. “All world know he stripped of all dignity at home and abroad, so why he has to come here and flaunt flabby thinking about global markets in front of everybody? Bloody global markets cause of whole bloody problem in first place.”

“I’ve never been presented with such a pathetic sight. I didn’t know where to look,” commented French Finance Minister Christine Lagarde. “If Monsieur Brown thinks he’s got anything at all to be proud of, I can assure you that he hasn’t.”

The unashamed prime minister was about to reach the climax of his shocking speech by telling delegates: “This is not like the 1930s, the world can come together,” when he was forcibly removed from the stage by men in white coats just as he was putting these disturbing words into action.

Sun Clarifies National Moral Dilemma With Raunchy Photos of Scantily-Clad Woman

Sun readers across Britain breathed a collective grunt of relief as it transpired that the complex, introspective crisis of national morality sparked by Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross was really all about some bird with a stonking pair of charlies.

As the contrite Brand flew out of Britain on a cloud of hashish smoke to begin his self-imposed exile on the remote, barren island of continental America - and a shamed Ross prepared to atone for his crimes against taste and decency by disembowelling himself with a sharpened Akira DVD - the Sun helped its struggling, disturbed readers to deal with the strange, uncomfortable feelings in their heads known to the medical establishment as ‘thoughts’ by filling its pages with a series of pictures of Andrew Sachs’ grand-daughter, Georgina Baillie, in her undercrackers.

The national debate on the corporate responsibilities of the BBC was also brought into sharp focus as the Sun explained to its confused readers that Brand had shouted ‘Que?’ at Ms Baillie in mid-poke.

“I’ve spent the last week stunned by frightening, unfamiliar concepts like taste, decency and responsibility,” said Sun reader Ryan Chav. “Now, thanks to the Sun, I think I’ve grasped the fundamental concept behind this nationwide outbreak of moral angst, namely that Manuel’s little princess is a tasty little fuck-bunny.”

Mr Chav revealed that he would be logging onto the Sun’s website to view Ms Baillie’s ‘sizzling video’ in the hope of seeing her showing pink in some red-hot lesbo filth, in order to clarify a few unresolved issues brought to the fore by the media furore.

“But she’ll probably only be poncing round in a basque and stockings,” he added mournfully. “I expect I’ll have to trawl through the usual dodgy Eastern European schoolgirl-action sites for the moral guidance I seek.”

HAVE YOU HAD YOUR WILLY IN ANY OF RUPERT MURDOCH’S YOUNGER RELATIVES?!

PHONE OUR HOTLINE ON 09067 577 161!!!

THERE’S MORE FUN IN THE NEV FILTER!!!

Conservatives Discover Root Of All Evil

Conservative shadow Education Secretary Michael Gove is being hailed by leading sociologists as a genius for his discovery of the root cause of all of society’s wrongs, as he claimed that lads’ mags such as Nuts and Zoo are the cause of relationship breakdowns and fatherless children.

“We should ask those who make profits out of reveling in, or encouraging, selfish irresponsibility among young men what they think they’re doing,” said Mr Gove, in a speech to the Institute for Public Policy Research. “The contrast with the work done by women’s magazines, and their publishers, to address their readers in a mature and responsible fashion, is striking.”

IPC, the irresponsible publishers of Nuts, issued a tear-stained apology for creating a generation of selfish, gratification-seeking sex maniacs, and said they would seek urgent talks with IPC, the sensible publishers of Marie Claire, to see what they could learn from its responsible, mature articles such as ‘See The Risqué Eva Mendes TV Ad That The US Has Banned’.

The Lap of Luxury

In a move widely tipped to win him the next general election, David Cameron has vowed to give local communities back the power to block licensing applications for lap-dancing clubs in their neighbourhoods.

Prior to the 2003 Licensing Act, councils had to give consideration to the views of local residents. However, the act allows the clubs to apply under the same Premises License regulations as a café or pub, leaving authorities with little scope to take local opposition into account.

“This is good news for well-off people in nice neighbourhoods who are well-informed about their rights and can organise massive letter-writing campaigns,” declared Mr Cameron. “These tawdry establishments will be forced to ply their tacky trade in the run-down slums, where the scum are too ignorant or apathetic to complain.”

However, some members of the middle classes are less than enthusiastic about the Tory proposals.

“I’m damned if I’m going to entertain clients to a feast of shapely, gyrating baps if it means parking the Beemer in some run-down alley south of the river, full of widdling alkies, crazed junkies and knife-wielding hoodies,” said one City banker. “They’ll have the wheels off it before the totty gets her gloves off.”

Meanwhile, lap-dancing club owners pointed out that they were in fact providing a valuable community service.

“For many hideously-underqualified single mums without visible stretch marks, trapped in a crumbling council flat and under pressure from the Jobcentre to get some kind of job or have their benefits cut, this is a dream opportunity,” said one seedy proprietor. “Only the other day this Cameron twit was talking about offering firms a couple of grand to run apprentice schemes. We were well up for that, but now I’m not so sure. I think I’ll stick with Labour. That Jacqui Smith can have a job in my establishment any time she likes.”