Olympian Gift Of Fire Coming To Plymouth

Benighted Plymothians say they are looking forward to learning the secret of fire, which is being brought to them today from the lofty heights of Mount Olympus.

According to the village idiot (available in local newsagents) “billions of eyes” will be watching the remote stone-age settlement as it celebrates the arrival of fire tonight – although Argus swiftly pointed out that he only had a hundred eyes, and anyway all of them would be watching Bayern Munich v Chelsea on ITV.

How the iconic Smeaton's Tower will look

“We’m got a proppa Labrinth set opp on the ’Oe innum, moy burd,” said recently-retired tribal elder Viv Pengelly, speaking to the drooling idiot as grateful savages enthusiastically piled up brushwood ready for her starring role at the pinnacle of the evening’s festivities.

“Focken oi an’ oi’s looken fawwerrd to focken ’eeren Jamaican tawked proppa boi a reow focken darky frumm opp Babylon way innit blud,” grunted a feral devotee of the feared ‘Way of the South’. “Oi an’ oi carnt focken wait royt to troy owwt this ’ere aarson wot oi ben focken ’eeren bowt.”

“Focken,” he added, after giving the matter some thought.

Tomorrow, the foolhardy runner who dares to bring the sacred flame to Plymouth will be chained to a rock by the angry gods and have his guts pecked out by seagulls. The guts will then be stuffed into a pasty by Mr Ivor Dewdney.

Nev Filter Signs Deal With Daily Mail

Nev, the unimpeachable paragon of satire, proudly announced today that he has signed a lucrative deal with Associated Newspapers to pen a regular column about house prices for his long-standing nemesis, the Daily Mail. The Nev Filter’s fans both expressed their surprise at the unexpected development by fainting dead away.

Perhaps Nev will buy a field - ideally, one with a tree in it

The idealistic author of such scathing articles as ‘Daily Mail Now Openly Admitting That It Makes Stuff Up’, ‘Decent, Hard-Working Families Exposed As Spiteful Daily Mail-Reading Desk Jockeys Contemplating Divorce’ and ‘Daily Mail Demands Dangerous Frogs Act For Snarling Sarkozy’ pointed out that the cynical posturing of the Daily Mail as the nation’s self-appointed arbiter of absolute morality was, in fact, an exact match for his own position.

The Nev Filter’s new allegiance comes hot on the heels of Private Eye’s staunch front-cover defence of Rebekah Brooks, but was overshadowed by Chris Morris’ surprise announcement that he is moving to the United States to become the lead anchor for Fox News Channel.

“It’s not about the money,” insisted Nev loftily, “Although I wouldn’t put it entirely beyond the theoretical bounds of possibility that I might find some small use for it.”

Lottery Winners Prove Bourgeoisation Of Britain Project A Success

The reprogramming of the entire British public into small-minded middle-class aspirants, whose sole desire is to possess meaningless consumer objects which will make them the envy of their neighbours – a secret project set in train in 1979 by Margaret Thatcher – is now complete, according to a survey of lottery millionaires published today.

Before the National Lottery, only earls were allowed hot tubs

According to the results, the single possession most winners fondly imagine will finally give their empty lives some kind of purpose is a family-sized bucket of hot swirling water – closely followed by a dedicated room in which they can admire their vast collection of tat bought on a whim from Top Shop.

Other popular purchases of no extrinsic worth included electric gates to save them from the terrible wasted effort of getting out of the car, and a room of its own for the Xbox.

But, hearteningly, the most popular acquisition on the list is not a material thing at all. 30% proudly declared that they had hired a lowly cleaner from their own social background.

“What we really needed more than anythink in our lives, dontchano, was a peasant in the house so’s they can feel insanely jealous of all our tasty stuff, dontchano,” said £1m winner Sammi-Jo Potts, as she jabbed a finger at a wall-sized television and brayed about the decline of traditional British values of thrift and hard work – a ritual which, she firmly believes, occurs daily in the kitchen-cum diner of Buckingham Palace.

We Hardly Needed To Ask Papers If They’d Support A War, Explains Straw

The Mail was notoriously hard to convince

Speaking at the Leveson Inquiry, former home secretary Jack Straw today poured scorn on the Daily Mail’s claim that the Blair government waited until they were confident of press support in 2003 before sending British troops to the slaughter in an unwinnable, illegal six-year occupation of Iraq.

“Of course we didn’t waste any time worrying about media support,” laughed Mr Straw. “Have you ever heard an editor fretting about the loss of circulation caused by cover-to-cover photos of British troops kicking, blasting and bombing seven colours of shit out of foreign conscripts? Didn’t think so.”

Associated Newspapers’ editor-in-chief Paul Dacre, meanwhile, distinctly remembers the Mail as being the soft, still voice of calm in the run-up to the invasion, fearlessly running openly pacifist headlines like ‘Kill A Wog For Christ!’, ‘Saddam Causes Cancer’ and ‘2003’s Must-Have Accessory: A Garland Of Towelhead Guts’.

Civil War Inevitable If Theresa May Orders Us To Lose Weight, Warn Police Gutbuckets

Sgt Crusher Harvey: the fat blue line

Britain’s flabby upholders of justice solemnly warned home secretary Theresa May today that the rule of law would collapse overnight if they were forced to reduce their pie intake.

“Our police force is admired and replicated throughout the world, from Bahrain to Kazakhstan,” spluttered Police Federation chairman Paul McKeever between mouthfuls. “We are seeing proposals that will fundamentally change the dynamics of policing. For example, the Durham Constabulary’s legendary interrogator, ‘Crusher’ Harvey, couldn’t have inflicted half as much agony if he lacked the necessary 30 stone to put behind his superb arm-wrenching interview technique.”

Rank-and-file members also warn that the infrastructure to implement change is totally lacking - pointing out that, unless thousands of new uniforms are available, slimmed-down officers trying to give chase whilst holding up their 60-inch trousers will be just as incapable of catching criminals as when they were lumbering fat bastards.

“As for requiring officers to study for A-levels and acquire skills in order to gain promotion, that’s just ludicrous,” added Mr McKeever, spraying crumbs indignantly. “How can our lardy lads possibly be expected to learn anything unless they’re regularly rewarded with mouth-watering takeaways?”

Kick Readers Out Of Your Book Clubs, Urges Mail

This is a book. Kick out anyone who says it isn't

The Daily Mail today solemnly advised the nation’s book clubs to eject the resident smartarse who actually reads proper books without being told - or risk feeling a bit dim for failing to come up with anything better than ‘Er I sort of identified with the main character.’

“cleverclogs-style bitches is spoiling the fun 4 sucessfull hard working busy career mums like u an me,” words expert Deborah Andrews warned the Mail’s skim-readers. “just cos they red 4 pleisure even b4 us papers told you how fashnible book clubs was an they done english lit a level, they recon they no moor than what u do (which is of course imposable cos mail readers r the best enformed an insighty out of the hole world lol) !!!”

“oh an for christsakes steer clear of midle march,” advised the paper’s resident literary giant. “That medeaval crap drones on and on 4eva an its full of long words nobody cd posably b expected 2 no!!! and b warned none of the characters do any steamy bonking ether not like what u bougt on dvd sos u wouldnt have 2 wade thru 700 pages of blah. u definitely dont want some smug bookworm pointing that out, just after uv all agreed how erotic the sex bits was!!! x”

Osborne Releases ‘Happy Talk’

George Osborne of the Blah Party

Chancellor of the exchequer George Osborne is hoping to scale the charts this week, after releasing his own inimitable version of the 1949 Rodgers and Hammerstein hit, ‘Happy Talk’ under the pseudonym Captain Insensible.

“All of the UK’s woes are caused by silly asses wondering what might happen to the Eurozone when Greece defaults,” smiled the damned Member for Tatton brightly. “Well, I say chin up, Britain! I have a dream that it might never happen! Happy talk, keep talking happy talk! Talk about things you’d like to do ! You’ve got to have a dream ! If you don’t have a dream , how are you going to have a dream come true? Come on, boys and girls, sing along with the Captain!”

“You’re all going around with long faces, moaning about cuts to this and the price of that, and it’s making you jolly glum,” he chirped inanely. “Well, chaps, watch and learn – I just put on a big soppy grin every morning and hey presto, austerity doesn’t affect me at all!”

61 million people joined in with the Captain’s novelty singalong, chanting “Wot?”

I Am A Victim Of Persecution, Claims Goodwife Brooks

Submit, Witch, to ye Ordeall

Goody Brooks, the celebrated Puritan and wife, did This Mornyng proclaim that ye Kingdom is A Veritable Cefs-Pool of Vice & Depravity; in which ye Virtuous are persecuted for their pious Purity & Godly-nesse.

“We do hereby deplore this mofte Weeke & Unjuft Decision,” cry’d ye God-feering moralist of Chipping Norton. “After ye farther Unprecedented Pofturing of ye Persecution Servants of ye Crown, we shall refpond later to-day after our return from ye ducking at ye Tower of London.”

Ye Crown hath earlier charg’d Goodwife Brooks - together with her humble hufband Charles, and divers dissenters of no Consequence - with ye Grofs Perversion of Juftice, in regard to ye brutal Hacking of ye sacred Texts & ye eMailes.

It is ye Fervent wish of Goody Brooks, yt she be Tranfported forthwith to ye colonies of New England; in which Place, she doth faithfully sware to prove her Worth thro’ ye teaching of Wifdom & Truthe to ye slack-witted son of ye Governor, Rupert.

Train Company Starts Laughing In Passengers’ Faces

That'll look nice rammed up his arse

Squashed paupers on Chiltern Railways’ hellish commuter services into London Marylebone will be relentlessly tormented by cackling staff, after the bloated train operating company capriciously decided to squander Christ knows how much of their victims’ eye-watering season ticket fees on paying pint-sized baldy Blairite grave-robber Tony Robinson to teach them the knack of professional piss-taking.

Human cattle will be openly mocked with scornful taunts, such as:

“You’re going to spend the next hour and a half with your face in some sweaty fat bastard’s armpit, shortarse”;

“See that smug wanker with the iPod? He’s screwing your wife on Friday afternoons”;

“While we’re parked here at West Ruislip just to annoy you, perhaps you’d like to pass the time by wondering whether you’d arrive on time if you had the balls to leg it over to platform 1 and board the tube train that’s been sitting there for the last ten minutes”;

“If you think London’s a shithole now, wait until the Olympics kick off!”

“We have a cunning plan, my lord,” chortled Chiltern’s comedy manager Chad Collins unhilariously, clutching his heaving sides as guffawing lackeys crammed another hapless sufferer onto the 0655 at Birmingham Moor Street.

Recession Ends As Blue People Win Thing

Shiny thing make it all better

The British public were still dancing deliriously in every street up and down the land this morning after blue-shirted people won a shiny thing and red-shirted people didn’t, causing the recession to disappear forever.

Not in other news:

Europe Reverts To Hunter-Gatherer Existence 

NHS Abolished 

Badgers Awarded Benefits As Disabled Cull Begins

Thrilling New British Chart-Topping Acts Revealed

Easily pleased

1 (-) Polly & Wally Doodle All The Day
A pensioner plays a Draw Something marathon with his parrot!
2 (-) Hello Kitty Bang Bang
Unbelievably cute toddler and her drumming cat!
3 (-) Tulips From Hamster Dan
Heartwarming origami from a schoolboy and his lovable rodent!
4 (-) Bunny & Cher
Stadium-filling anthems re-imagined - with a floppy-eared rabbit!  
5 (-) Engelbert Humpback
Whalesong for Europe!
6 (-) Chris Morris Mynah
Subversive satirical interviewer ridicules a talking crow!
7 (-) Zac’s Goldfish
Loads of Guardian-friendly old carp from the greenwashing Tory rich kid!  
8 (-) Pitbull Of Hollow
Miserable old Morrissey comes out fighting with a macho makeover!
9 (-) Para Tiddles
The brave lads of the 3rd Parachute Regiment leap out of the back of a Hercules with their little tabby mascot and a smoke canister!
10 (-) Spanish Fly
Michael Portillo and his raunchy lapdancing bluebottle! (Parental Advisory)

Ramming Speed, Urges Hague

What a healthy economy looks like

Pounding mercilessly on his drum, foreign secretary William Hague today urged Britain’s rowers to stop moaning and row harder if they did not want to go down with their creaking galley.

As pitiless Conservative overseers frantically whipped collapsing small business owners back to semi-consciousness, Britain’s haughty Admiral and Captain were conspicuously absent from the hellish, stinking lower deck - where ranks of sweating entrepreneurs heaved desperately at their oars to relentless beat of the bald percussionist, trying desperately to steer a sluggish Britain to victory before it was consumed by deadly Greek Fire.

As Britain crashed repeatedly onto the treacherous banks and began filling rapidly with seawater, the measured tones of Mr Hague could be heard calmly ordering the stricken ship to make all possible speed for the nearest safe harbour – either India, Thailand or Indonesia.