Philip Kept Strictly In Background For Historic Handshake

Tower Nobody Knows The Name Of To Be Given Name Everybody Will Forget

Google 'Big Ben' and this comes up. QED

The pointy bit of the big place where all the politicians live with bells in it, which everyone mistakenly calls Big Ben, is to receive another name which they will immediately forget.

Despite the tall thing being given the same name as the Queen, the collective British consciousness said it is supremely confident that it will remain as impervious to new information as it has been over the magnificence of its empire, the benefits of its special relationship with the United States and the obvious superiority of its footballers.

British Public Still Failing To Grasp Key Feature Of Hereditary Monarchy

Britain’s commoners have yet to comprehend that a head of state who is appointed by popular choice is technically a president, it was revealed today.

Where were you, Wills, you traitor?

A new poll of the Queen’s humble servants indicates that, having seen him being nice to his mummy on the box last week, they would quite like Prince Charles to have a go at ruling them one day after all.

“I swear to die a free subject rather than bend my knee to an elected head of state, because the stupid British public would vote for either David Cameron or Tony Blair - both of whom have shown themselves to be hopelessly out of touch with the great British public,” said a typical peasant, still draped patriotically in a damp, sweaty Union flag.

“Let’s stick with the hereditary system,” he urged joyless republicans, “Because that way we all get to cast our votes for that legendary man of the people, the Prince of Wales, who’ll get the job anyway on account of democratically dropping out of his mum’s fanny first. What could be fairer than that?”

“Unless he starts talking bollocks again,” he mused. “In which case, I’ll simply switch my vote to that legendary man of the people, the Duke of Cambridge, who’ll get the job eventually on account of democratically dropping out of his dad’s late wife’s fanny first. See? I win again.”

Business Leaders Keen To Build On Jubilee Legacy Of Forced Labour

Easier on the eye than some lardy PCSO

The Institute of Directors today urged Britain to capitalise on the legacy of the Royal Jubilee, demanding a bill to repeal the abolition of slavery.

“This glorious national celebration has demonstrated to the world that the great British public really doesn’t give a rat’s arse about the unemployed,” crowed the business forum. “While they were proudly draping their tits and arses with their national flag, dolescum rounded up from the arse end of the country were shivering under London Bridge, prior to being frogmarched out to supply the illusion of security free, gratis and for nothing. What a stirring reminder to the world of the glory days when Great Britain used to dominate the lucrative slave trade.”

“Also, we’ve put 10,494 miles of bunting on eBay, starting at 99p - perfect if you’re planning a bit of a do,” it added. “Bit damp, but it’s got nine days to dry out - it’ll be good as new.”

Meanwhile, scowling killjoy Lord Prescott insulted the Queen and threatened the future prosperity of the nation by sulkily demanding some sort of wishy-washy, hand-wringing inquiry into why the slaves were left huddling under the bridge in the chill of the night - but not into why they were forced to work for nothing, because that was introduced by Labour.

Queen To Give A Shit

The Queen will officially give a shit about her fawning minions at 6pm today, in a speech she wrote with earplugs in during last night’s concert – which will be transmitted on all radio, TV and internet services of the completely impartial BBC.

Who knows what she might say?

What The People Hope To Hear
“Her Majesty is selflessness personified, so I imagine she will actually condescend to thank the peasantry for their ridiculous, clunking efforts to please her, when in fact we should be the ones thanking her for the huge difference she makes every day to each and every one of our pathetic lives” – Jeremy Brown-Nowes, royal coffee-table book generator
“I confidently expect the Queen to formally renounce her family’s spurious claim to the throne and demand a lifelong presidency for Tony Blair, in protest against the reintroduction of slavery as a means of stewarding this sickening celebration of inequality” – Alan Rusbridger, Grauniad editor
“What the Queen ought to do is plug in a guitar and do ‘We Will Rock You’, because that would literally be like so fucking awesome” – Josh Geake, shelf stacker and internet spokesman for Britain’s gilded youth
“I’m looking forward to mumsy calling it a day at last and passing the crown to a patient, devoted son with years of service left in him. Sob” – Charles Windsor, unemployed

What The People Will Actually Hear
“My husband and I ... thoughts and prayers ... great and blessed nation ... with great humility ... your overwhelming support ... my loving family ... cold dead hands ... God bless you all.”

Nigeria Suspended From Commonwealth For Blatant Attempt To Hijack News

The disloyal African state of Nigeria has had its membership of the Commonwealth suspended, after shamelessly trying to elbow its way into news coverage of the Jubilee with not one, but two fatal air accidents in a single day.

Just ignore them

The first shocking gatecrash – in which an ancient Boeing 727 freighter arriving from Nigeria overshot the runway in the Ghanaian capital, Accra, crushing ten bus passengers who were as black as the ace of spades – disgracefully stole a full thirty seconds of Her Majesty’s rightful airtime.

But worse was to follow.

Not satisfied with their first attempt to ruin the Queen’s day, at least 150 egocentric Nigerians chose to die selfishly when a passenger flight from Abuja to Lagos terminated in a flagrant attention-seeking explosion on top of a printing works .

“This was not the scheduled point of arrival,” observed a disdainful Foreign Office spokesman. “The inescapable conclusion is that these insignificant coloured persons felt an entirely unjustified sense of entitlement to five minutes of fame.”

“Thankfully, the media saw fit to grant them just two,” he added, “But how is that supposed to make the Queen feel?”

Medics Nod Knowingly At Duke’s Awkward ‘Bladder’ Problem

Doctors at the London’s leading King Edward Potato Hospital today tapped their noses and acknowledged that the Duke of Edinburgh’s wrinkled genitals will be painted purple and kept under amused observation for the next couple of days, following his emergency admission yesterday for a sudden flaring-up of “the old bladder problem.”

Clap, everyone

Smiling nurses are greeting the nautical 90-year-old with a cheery ‘Hello sailor’ as they administer iodine and antibiotics to the royal privates, according to a grinning hospital spokesman who suggested that, next time Prince Philip thinks about putting on something for the weekend, at his age he really ought to take sensible precautions.

Meanwhile, rumours that the Queen has changed the locks at Buckingham Palace were, as is customary in such matters, neither confirmed nor denied.

Queen Bursts

Britain is crushed in the grip of constitutional disaster today, following the tragic bursting of the Queen in the middle of her own Jubilee after the entire BBC tried to crawl inside her rectum.

Horrified A&E medics at St Mary’s Hospital fainted at the sight of the grossly-distended monarch swaying towards them, suspended by steel cables beneath an overloaded air ambulance. Unconfirmed reports indicate that, as the mercy flight passed over Hyde Park, tragic royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell fell out of the royal arse and drowned in the Serpentine before the Queen tragically exploded as she was being set down in an ambulance bay.

Shocked eyewitnesses claim the famously impartial BBC’s ill-conceived journey up Her Majesty’s back passage began at lunchtime, when the One O’Clock News was presented from the gardens of Buckingham Palace – although it is feared that advance parties may have been probing the royal anus since Thursday.
 

Paxman will need years of counselling for that survivor guilt

“I personally saw at least two dozen cameramen, sound engineers and Louisa Baldini disappearing down the back of the imperial knickers as they interviewed Sir Cliff Richard, closely followed by Emily Maitlis,” sobbed a typical traumatised viewer. “The Queen didn’t flinch, bless her. It must be pretty uncomfortable having the entire BBC crawling up your bum, especially at her age, but she’s a real trouper - she didn’t bat an eyelid.”

Tragically, all that now remains of the BBC is a forlorn Jeremy Paxman. Meanwhile, Sir Elton John has been executed in the Tower of London to prevent him from rewriting Candle In The Wind again, tragically reminding a grief-stricken nation of the Queen’s unpopularity when Diana died.

Crowds Gather To Watch Stately Water-Bound Procession On A20

The British do this sort of thing better than anyone else

A throng of easily-impressed sightseers has assembled between Folkestone and Dover, eager to catch an unforgettable glimpse of the largest assembly of sea-going transport in 350 years - which is drifting majestically at a stately 3mph down the A20, hoping to escape the UK’s dismal Jubilee bank holiday forecast of non-stop pouring drivel.

“Look at this, Emma!” City worker Rob Blind impressed upon his sleepy four-month old daughter, from a vantage point on the Cauldham Lane bridge overlooking the slow-moving procession. “You’ll never see a sight like this again for as long as you live – ordinary people who can afford a holiday!”

The most impressive barge of the day undoubtedly belonged to Mr Wayne Prunt, who delighted the cheering crowds and his latest girlfriend by gunning his antique BMW 318 and sailing through a layby south of Church Wood at 60mph. As he floated serenely past with a tuneful blast on his airhorn, a dozen finger-waving participants saw red, bared their white teeth and turned the air blue.

“This is a profoundly moving sight,” commented a delighted spokesman for the Dover Harbour Board as, one by one, participating vehicles flowed at an almost imperceptible pace onto a waiting ferry. “But only just.”

Bishop Of London Appalled Yet Strangely Fascinated By The Jeremy Kyle Show

The Rt Rev Richard Chartreuse, the Bishop of London, has launched a devastating critique of Britain’s moral collapse, after religiously watching The Jeremy Kyle Show ever since its first outbreak in 2005.

“As we celebrate the Jubilee of our justly popular monarch, we have an opportunity to ask some wider questions in the spirit of Jubilee, to pause, look back and ask where we are as a nation, and where we are going,” the prominent churchman writes in a Bible Society pamphlet which he has faithfully posted to every MP and the Daily Mail. “Down the blooming khazi, I reckon.”

“Promiscuity, separation and divorce have reached epidemic proportions in our society, where it is now considered quite the done thing to impregnate your sister-in-law whilst stealing money from the baby you swear isn’t yours in order to support your drug addiction, then blame everything on your alcoholic mother,” he explained, adding: “One simply never heard of such things 60 years ago, when the Queen ascended to the throne and I was 4.”

The C of E bishop went on to suggest that the Jubilee could be used to “focus on hope” and “reset” the nation like a big wonky computer.

Maybe it's not such a bad idea after all

“Lacking any credible narrative as I am, what Britain desperately needs is a Lizzie & Phil Show,” he opined gravely. “I’m sure Prince Philip would jump at the chance to drown out his wife’s subjects by reminding them whose names are on the wall before abruptly ordering them out of his sight, directing them to a circular antechamber in which Her Majesty would kindly offer them her expert guidance based on 86 years of automatic moral superiority.”

When reminded of the exemplary relationships of Prince Charles, Princess Anne and Prince Andrew, Dr Chartreuse turned and said: “Coming up: Jesus tells a feckless waster who has never done a proper day’s work in his life to stop sitting on his fat arse all day long in front of the telly, and go and do something useful for once.”

He then solemnly held up a placard extolling the irrestistible simplicity of online bingo, and regretted that he was right out of time, quite out of touch and might be from outer space.

Heartwarming Royal Movies Show Queen Not Wearing Crown In Spare Time

Mrs W was always joking with chums about cheese rationing

In astonishing home-movie footage to be presented by Prince Charles this evening, his mother’s grovelling subjects will learn that – just like every humble commoner – the Queen generally prefers not to wear a crown on her days off.

The doting public will be delighted to see, for the first time, their unpretentiously egalitarian monarch doing all the mundane things every ordinary 50s wife and mum used to do – lifting her feet obligingly whilst the servants hand-wash the Axminster, filming in the palace gardens with an industry-standard movie camera, and indulgently asking her children: “Who are you?” and “Have you come far?”

In a particularly touching highlight of the priceless archive which reveals just how much times have changed during Her Majesty’s 60-year reign, loyal serfs will be deeply moved to see the young Queen laughing as she pushes Prince Charles out of the frame.

Britain's Class System Explained

Test Proves Queen Capable Of Converting Text To Speech

Shiny thing make it all better

Artificial intelligence specialists pronounced themselves delighted with this morning’s State Opening of Parliament, in which the experimental text-to-speech app they installed in the Queen has proved itself fully capable of rendering even the most incomprehensible scribble into something closely resembling rational speech.

“If the software was going to trip over the test data anywhere, it was likely to be the gag about spotting terrorists by reading the entire internet in realtime,” laughed Dr Mel Strangelove, the project leader who, only last month, upgraded Queen Elizabeth II to Android Ice Cream Sandwich.

“We heard Apple were running a sweepstake on which bit would make Her Majesty stutter and crash, but we always knew she’d sail through without a glitch.” Dr Strangelove added that the Queen had now been put into standby mode and returned to the software lab, where developers hope she will soon be capable of looking at modern art and working out what it is supposed to represent.

Princess Beatrice Slightly Disappointed With Work Experience Offer

She'll fit right in

HRH Princess Beatrice of York, who graduated last year with a useless history degree, is finding that her dreams of a glittering career in the rag trade may have to be put on hold for a while, after discovering that the only work experience the Chadwick Street Jobcentre could offer her involves stocking shelves in a pound shop on the deeply unfashionable side of the Thames.

“I’m sure we can teach Beatrice some great skills to fill out her CV,” commented shop manager Chopak Singh. “If she’s set her heart on working with commoners, they certainly don’t get any commoner than the dead-eyed human wreckage that lurches in here every day.”

“And don’t get me started about the customers,” he added with a shudder.

Britain Celebrates Timely Death Of Previous Monarch

King George VI and Mrs VI

The nation is united today in celebrating King George VI considerate death from cancer, which enabled his daughter to spend sixty years sitting on a big golden chair as her realm declined into imbecility.

“By all accounts the queen’s dad was a thoroughly decent stick who looked like Colin Firth and beat Hitler by overcoming an embarrassing speech impediment,” said every news presenter today. “George VI died as he lived, putting his beloved country first, firm in his belief that what post-Imperial Britain needed to sit and watch its inexorable decay was a hot young thing rather than some diffident chinless wonder.”

Royal observers say the queen feels exactly the same, much to the chagrin of Prince Charles.

Key Points Of David Cameron’s New Year Message

He's back. Did you miss him?

1. There are no invisible countries.
2. Fortunately, we’ve lined up some nice distractions for you.
3. Because this year the shit’s really going to hit the fan.
4. If I fiddle with all the broken stuff a bit - the NHS, education, law enforcement, that sort of thing – you never know, I might eventually be able to bodge something together that works. Well, sort of.
5. I’ve found some jolly splendid words in the dictionary to describe how things used to be, back in the good old days.
6. Did I mention the nice shiny things?
7. Never mind. A hundred years from now, none of this will matter.

Prince Philip Still Not Dead

The Duke of Edinburgh's spiritual mentor

A grateful Britain is receiving half-hourly updates on the continuing earthly existence of Prince Philip, as he gains inspiration from Holiday On The Buses whilst recovering from routine keyhole surgery at the world’s leading heart hospital.

Meanwhile, at Sandringham, according to the Duke’s wishes the rest of the royal family are dutifully blasting every bird they clap their eyes on to kingdom come, hoping to convince God to spare the ailing patriarch by offering up the largest one-day avian sacrifice in history.

“Have you come far?” the Queen asked a rare pectoral sandpiper blown across the Atlantic by hurricane-force winds, as she rammed her gold-plated 12-bore into its beak and let fly with both barrels.

Royal Consort Recovering As Well As Unimaginable Privilege Will Allow

The Queen thinks this is what ambulances look like

After being airlifted by the RAF to Papworth General’s world-leading heart surgery unit hospital for a routine stent fitting which your nan might well die waiting for, Prince Philip is reported by surgeons to be about as comfortable as you would expect Britain’s most pampered man to be.

The Queen has visited her husband in hospital this morning, where he is said by Palace officials to be sitting up and entertaining African nurses and the Portuguese ancillary staff alike with urbane witticisms concerning their physical characteristics and cultural backgrounds.

Meanwhile, sound editors at the BBC have spent a sleepless night creating a backup version of the Queen’s Speech, just in case, in which the word ‘late’ is dubbed in every time Her Majesty utters her famous catchphrase, “my husband and I” in between the meaningless platitudes which she fondly imagines will cast from her subjects’ minds any thoughts of the ever-widening disparity between her lifestyle and the one they can look forward to after the credit card statements land on their doormats.

Daily Mail Designs New Royal Yacht For Queen's Jubilee

Surely the Queen is worth £1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to the nation?

Absurdly Meaningless Role Now Open To Members Of Absurdly Inbred Family With Tits

All over the Commonwealth (whatever that is) democracy and equal rights campaigners with tits danced joyfully in the streets today as their elected representatives suddenly took it upon themselves to decide that their citizens would, in future, pay slavish obeisance to one member of one particular family sporting a pair of charlies, should she be fortunate enough to be born before any sibling with a willy.

One day you might discover what it feels like to be under these

“This long-overdue arbitrary decision corrects centuries of penile bigotry stemming from a previous arbitrary decision,” cheered the owner of an impressive pair of baps in Malawi. “My life will never be the same, knowing that I could one day be queen if only I’d been born into Windsor family.”

The Commonwealth heads also decided, on a whim, that future heads of the Windsor household would be free to marry anybody who believes they are literally eating their imaginary friend every Sunday – although, controversially, they insisted that any king or queen must still acknowledge that, although their imaginary friend’s imaginary dad may well have made the world in seven days, the fact that he also undoubtedly created velociraptors and trilobites before changing his mind suggests that his perception of time was almost certainly not the same as than ours.

However, the Commonwealth’s great and good stopped short of guaranteeing a lifetime of unimaginable privilege for any non-white descendents of Georg Ludwig Hanover, an obscure German who was handed Britain and Ireland on a plate in 1714.

“Don’t worry,” joked prime minister David Cameron. “That’s hardly likely to ever be an issue.”