The news is broken, it was discovered today in the small hours of the morning. The damage is said to be irreparable.
Alarmed TV news presenters have, in recent years, warned the public that the news was breaking on numerous occasions. However, at approximately nine minutes past four this morning a loud twang finally signalled the long-feared, catastrophic breakage.
"I was just having my make-up adjusted before Politics For Insomniacs went on air when I heard the sound every journalist dreads," said a shaken Andrew Neill. "I ran into the News 24 recording cupboard and there was the news lying face down on the floor - broken."
It was the same all over the world, with fragmentary stories coming in from every corner of the globe. Meanwhile, as the massive clear-up operation begins, the chances of repairing the news are said to be extremely slim.
"The problem these days is that so much of the world's news is cheaply manufactured by PR companies," sobbed Jeremy Paxman, who is now facing a lifetime of unemployment. "There simply aren't any journalists left with experience of constructing stories from scratch, using just the facts they found for themselves. Nowadays, frankly, you're lucky if they've even tinkered a bit with some pre-packaged rubbish that's probably been churned out by China."
Emergency services are already trying to find out just who actually broke the news for good. US authorities initially arrested News International tycoon Rupert Murdoch, over frequent claims by Fox News Channel that it was the first to break the news - but he was released without charge when investigators uncovered no traces of news at all in the station's studios.
Now the finger of suspicion is pointing towards the United Kingdom, as forensic specialists piece together mounting evidence that the last story the British media were covering at the time of the breakage was about Celebrity Big Brother having been won by a man who pretends to be a very angry budgerigar for a living.
Saturday, 30 January 2010
Friday, 29 January 2010
World Safer After Invasion of Poland, Insists Hitler
Giving evidence today at the long-delayed inquiry into the Second World War, former statesman Adolf Hitler insisted today that the terrible global conflict he started had in fact made the world a safer place.
"Look," he told the inquiry panel in a rare return to the living world, "The fact is, there was clear evidence that Poland had the ability to send horse troops across our borders within 45 minutes. I have no regrets about the decisions that were made at the time, acting on the best information available from the Minister for Propaganda, Dr Goebbels."
Mr Hitler denied that his chief objective in invading Poland was regime change, but declared defiantly that Poland had become a haven of peace and tranquility after the removal of President MoĊcicki.
"I am proud of the part I played in making sure that millions of Poles never had a care in the world again," he screamed.
Mr Hitler also scoffed at accusations that he had secretly made an agreement over the Polish issue with the Soviet leader, Josef Stalin.
"It was clear to me long before those talks that Poland represented a major threat to the safety of the world," he insisted. "Mr Stalin and I were both of the opinion that the dismembering of the Polish nation must be seen to be carried out strictly according to our view of the legal frameworks set out by the hated, ineffectual League of Nations."
"Believe me," he added, "Between us, we went through quite a lot of lawyers before we found one who was willing to agree with our interpretation of international law."
Throughout the questioning, Mr Hitler stoutly maintained his stance that the invasion was not carried out to bring about regime change, but to remove the terrible threat posed to the entire world by deadly Polish cavalry. He said he was personally disappointed that the world had been somewhat riven by disagreements following the invasion of Poland by German and Soviet troops, but promised that he would do it all again given half a chance.
As he left the hearing, grieving relatives of the 5,533,000 German soldiers who lost their lives as a result of the invasion of Poland shouted angrily at their unrepentant former leader as he was led back down to Hell, where he now holds a lucrative post on the board of directors.
"Look," he told the inquiry panel in a rare return to the living world, "The fact is, there was clear evidence that Poland had the ability to send horse troops across our borders within 45 minutes. I have no regrets about the decisions that were made at the time, acting on the best information available from the Minister for Propaganda, Dr Goebbels."
Mr Hitler denied that his chief objective in invading Poland was regime change, but declared defiantly that Poland had become a haven of peace and tranquility after the removal of President MoĊcicki.
"I am proud of the part I played in making sure that millions of Poles never had a care in the world again," he screamed.
Mr Hitler also scoffed at accusations that he had secretly made an agreement over the Polish issue with the Soviet leader, Josef Stalin.
"It was clear to me long before those talks that Poland represented a major threat to the safety of the world," he insisted. "Mr Stalin and I were both of the opinion that the dismembering of the Polish nation must be seen to be carried out strictly according to our view of the legal frameworks set out by the hated, ineffectual League of Nations."
"Believe me," he added, "Between us, we went through quite a lot of lawyers before we found one who was willing to agree with our interpretation of international law."
Throughout the questioning, Mr Hitler stoutly maintained his stance that the invasion was not carried out to bring about regime change, but to remove the terrible threat posed to the entire world by deadly Polish cavalry. He said he was personally disappointed that the world had been somewhat riven by disagreements following the invasion of Poland by German and Soviet troops, but promised that he would do it all again given half a chance.
As he left the hearing, grieving relatives of the 5,533,000 German soldiers who lost their lives as a result of the invasion of Poland shouted angrily at their unrepentant former leader as he was led back down to Hell, where he now holds a lucrative post on the board of directors.
Toyota May Kill You Today or Tomorrow
As it was revealed that a small number of Ford Transit vans share the same defective Chinese-made accelerator pedal that caused the urgent recall of 1.8m Toyotas in Europe and 3.4m in the United States, worried vehicle owners around the world are desperately searching for a car that might not kill them.
"I thought Hondas were a pretty safe bet," said one concerned parent. "But they're recalling cars over a window-heater switch that incinerates the entire car when it fails. It looks like I'll be doing a lot of walking from now on."
China insisted that it was working hard to develop a product that actually worked.
"Unfortunately, our courts would be facing a huge backlog if we tried and executed every factory manager with a laissez-faire attitude to quality control," said a spokesman for the Chinese government. "And international calls for fair trials aren't going to make things any easier."
With scant hopes of finding a car in production today without at least one potentially-lethal Chinese component waiting to maim, roast or skewer its hapless occupants, the British government is rumoured to be considering a non-scrappage scheme, in which owners of cars more than ten years old would be paid £2000 not to replace them with a murderous new model.
"I thought Hondas were a pretty safe bet," said one concerned parent. "But they're recalling cars over a window-heater switch that incinerates the entire car when it fails. It looks like I'll be doing a lot of walking from now on."
China insisted that it was working hard to develop a product that actually worked.
"Unfortunately, our courts would be facing a huge backlog if we tried and executed every factory manager with a laissez-faire attitude to quality control," said a spokesman for the Chinese government. "And international calls for fair trials aren't going to make things any easier."
With scant hopes of finding a car in production today without at least one potentially-lethal Chinese component waiting to maim, roast or skewer its hapless occupants, the British government is rumoured to be considering a non-scrappage scheme, in which owners of cars more than ten years old would be paid £2000 not to replace them with a murderous new model.
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
End This Failed Democratic Experiment, Urge Top Civil Servants
The way Britain is governed has gone seriously wrong and is in urgent need of reform, according to a group of former Whitehall mandarins.
The 'Bugger Government' Initiative points the finger of blame for ill thought-out legislation squarely at ministers, whom it says are untrained and move on too swiftly to ever get to grips with the complexities of their departments.
"These bloody clowns come and go with the tides," claims the report, whose authors include the former Iraq inquiry chairman Lord Butler, current Iraq inquiry chairman Sir John Chilcot and MPs' expenses auditor Sir Thomas Legg. "They are hideously unqualified to run their departments, and just when you think you've finally got the silly sods housetrained, they go and balls it up by listening to public opinion. Next thing you know, there's been another damn fool election - and in through the revolving door comes another grinning chimp. Where's the continuity? It's madness."
Prime Minister Gordon Brown - who, incidentally, has proved the report's point by his exemplary handling of the economy through ten uninterrupted years as Chancellor of the Exchequer - is studying the report with interest.
"If truth be told, I've never been a great fan of representative democracy," he told reporters, as he was being fitted for a purple toga in Number Ten. "I've barely been prime minister for two years, and in a couple of months some grinning twerp is going to waltz in here and wreck the fruits of all my hard work before I've really even got started. Perhaps it's not too late to wallop a quick bit of legislation through under the Parliament Act, abolishing all this voting malarkey. Then I can hand-pick the most gifted geniuses from the City meritocracy and get the country well and truly back on its feet."
The 'Bugger Government' Initiative points the finger of blame for ill thought-out legislation squarely at ministers, whom it says are untrained and move on too swiftly to ever get to grips with the complexities of their departments.
"These bloody clowns come and go with the tides," claims the report, whose authors include the former Iraq inquiry chairman Lord Butler, current Iraq inquiry chairman Sir John Chilcot and MPs' expenses auditor Sir Thomas Legg. "They are hideously unqualified to run their departments, and just when you think you've finally got the silly sods housetrained, they go and balls it up by listening to public opinion. Next thing you know, there's been another damn fool election - and in through the revolving door comes another grinning chimp. Where's the continuity? It's madness."
Prime Minister Gordon Brown - who, incidentally, has proved the report's point by his exemplary handling of the economy through ten uninterrupted years as Chancellor of the Exchequer - is studying the report with interest.
"If truth be told, I've never been a great fan of representative democracy," he told reporters, as he was being fitted for a purple toga in Number Ten. "I've barely been prime minister for two years, and in a couple of months some grinning twerp is going to waltz in here and wreck the fruits of all my hard work before I've really even got started. Perhaps it's not too late to wallop a quick bit of legislation through under the Parliament Act, abolishing all this voting malarkey. Then I can hand-pick the most gifted geniuses from the City meritocracy and get the country well and truly back on its feet."
Apple To Launch New Must-Have Thing
Your hollow life will improve beyond all recognition from 6pm tonight, when Apple's latest shiny gadget goes on sale without the time-wasting charade of a product launch.
The highly-desirable object's function and form have been kept a closely-guarded secret, and Apple plan to steal a march on their commercial rivals by keeping it that way.
"Trust me when I say that owning this latest Apple device will make you the envy of all your friends," said a high priest from the cutting-edge manufacturer of tech toys. "It will do everything you ever dreamed of, and many things you didn't, because - unlike us - you are constrained by your feeble human imaginations. Go forth and place your orders. Now."
The product's price is also being kept strictly under wraps. Gadget-addicted Apple worshippers will be ordered to provide their bank account details and sign a gagging clause, under which they will have their kneecaps removed if they ever disclose how much money was taken out - or indeed show the dream technology to anyone, even close family members.
For weeks, the world of pointless gadgetry has been rife with speculation concerning the transformational new Apple product.
"It could be a revolutionary new computer which dispenses with the input/output interface completely," said tech-blogger Josh Geake. "Or it could be a perpetual motion machine, or a pocket-sized gryphon, or possibly God in a shiny white box."
"One thing is sure," he added. "Whatever happens, under no circumstances will the battery spontaneously burst into flames - ow, my fucking knees..."
The highly-desirable object's function and form have been kept a closely-guarded secret, and Apple plan to steal a march on their commercial rivals by keeping it that way.
"Trust me when I say that owning this latest Apple device will make you the envy of all your friends," said a high priest from the cutting-edge manufacturer of tech toys. "It will do everything you ever dreamed of, and many things you didn't, because - unlike us - you are constrained by your feeble human imaginations. Go forth and place your orders. Now."
The product's price is also being kept strictly under wraps. Gadget-addicted Apple worshippers will be ordered to provide their bank account details and sign a gagging clause, under which they will have their kneecaps removed if they ever disclose how much money was taken out - or indeed show the dream technology to anyone, even close family members.
For weeks, the world of pointless gadgetry has been rife with speculation concerning the transformational new Apple product.
"It could be a revolutionary new computer which dispenses with the input/output interface completely," said tech-blogger Josh Geake. "Or it could be a perpetual motion machine, or a pocket-sized gryphon, or possibly God in a shiny white box."
"One thing is sure," he added. "Whatever happens, under no circumstances will the battery spontaneously burst into flames - ow, my fucking knees..."
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Recession Over; Pound Plummets
As the British economy finally burst out of recession today after recording economic growth of 21p, two washers, a bottle cap and a button, the international money markets reacted to the cheering news by sending the pound nosediving to a horrifying low of 1.6158 dollars (1.1482 euros; 1.1264 bottle caps; 1.0174 washers; parity with the button).
"Make no mistake - thanks to my inspired search down the back of the sofa, Britain's economy is well and truly back on the rails," beamed chancellor Alistair Darling. "Only today, the Evening Standard reports not only that unemployment in Britain has fallen by one, but a cheap restaurant had a booking for a table for two."
"Yes, the boom starts here," he went on. "Not that we're going back to the bad old days of boom-and-bust economics, of course. No, this one's going to last forever."
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to draft a quick bill to change the currency of Britain to the washer," he added.
"Make no mistake - thanks to my inspired search down the back of the sofa, Britain's economy is well and truly back on the rails," beamed chancellor Alistair Darling. "Only today, the Evening Standard reports not only that unemployment in Britain has fallen by one, but a cheap restaurant had a booking for a table for two."
"Yes, the boom starts here," he went on. "Not that we're going back to the bad old days of boom-and-bust economics, of course. No, this one's going to last forever."
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to draft a quick bill to change the currency of Britain to the washer," he added.
Unemployed Americans Looking Forward To Being Patronised By Supercilious Englishman
Trailer parks across the United States are emptying rapidly as millions of unemployed Americans head for ITV's California studios, hoping for a chance to be patronised in front of the nation by Jeremy Kyle.
"Whee-doggie!" said Cletus McCoy, an inbred Arkansas hooch addict and father of ten. "Ah jes' cain't wait ta be told ta grow a backbone bah a gen-yew-ine Limey girly man!"
"Sherralee, ya cocksuckin' bitch!" he added. "Git me mah shotgun!"
"Whee-doggie!" said Cletus McCoy, an inbred Arkansas hooch addict and father of ten. "Ah jes' cain't wait ta be told ta grow a backbone bah a gen-yew-ine Limey girly man!"
"Sherralee, ya cocksuckin' bitch!" he added. "Git me mah shotgun!"
Monday, 25 January 2010
Government to Award Huge IT Contracts To Facebook Programming Geniuses
Following today's admission that new tax office software has sent out the wrong tax codes for 2010/11, affecting millions of Britons, the government today announced that it was adding a new company to its list of preferred bidders on lucrative IT schemes.
"We are proud to add Facebook to our prestigious list of quality software specialists," said PM Gordon Brown. "They can look forward to receiving hundreds of millions of pounds of taxpayers' money, taking their rightful place among the pantheon of highly-skilled IT contractors of the calibre of EDS, Capita, BT and my cousin's neighbour's 17-year-old son."
Facebook's crack programming team celebrated the news with a bumper bag of Doritos and a 3-litre bottle of Coca-Cola.
"Moss had this brilliant idea for combining all of the government's databases into one huge file," said IT manager Jen Barber. "It'll be stored on Roy's Blackberry, assuming he can find it under all the empty crisp packets."
Meanwhile, industry analysts are wondering why the software responsible for paying billions out to useless IT providers seems to work just fine.
"We are proud to add Facebook to our prestigious list of quality software specialists," said PM Gordon Brown. "They can look forward to receiving hundreds of millions of pounds of taxpayers' money, taking their rightful place among the pantheon of highly-skilled IT contractors of the calibre of EDS, Capita, BT and my cousin's neighbour's 17-year-old son."
Facebook's crack programming team celebrated the news with a bumper bag of Doritos and a 3-litre bottle of Coca-Cola.
"Moss had this brilliant idea for combining all of the government's databases into one huge file," said IT manager Jen Barber. "It'll be stored on Roy's Blackberry, assuming he can find it under all the empty crisp packets."
Meanwhile, industry analysts are wondering why the software responsible for paying billions out to useless IT providers seems to work just fine.
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