Traditional Chinese Medicine Helps Blind Man To Be Seen

Leading US spin doctors are today marvelling at the mysterious workings of traditional Chinese medicine, which has miraculously helped them to see a blind man sheltering in their embassy in Beijing.

A few pricks, and the pain has vanished

“There’s no rational explanation for it but hell, it works,” admitted an apologetic Dr Marilyn Strangelove, washing her hands after a complicated operation to save Hillary Clinton’s face tragically failed. “The Chinese swiftly applied a threat to the blind man’s family and suddenly, for the first time, we could see him quite clearly. And we didn’t feel a bit of pain during the extraction. We sure could learn a trick or two from these guys.”

Sceptics remain unconvinced, however, about the ethics of dishing out Chinese medicine, claiming that its unabashed practitioners cynically exploit the desire of the credulous to believe that the problem has magically gone away whilst beautiful, endangered creatures like the Lesser Spotted Human Rights Activist are cruelly ground into paste.

Kiddy-Fiddler Palace Not Really A Proper Country, Suggests Ireland

Ireland has belatedly realised that Vatican City - the ancient sanctuary for sex-starved old pervs who want you to agree that touching another man’s bottom is an unpardonable abomination, but molesting small children is just a minor embarrassment – might not actually be a bona fide country at all, as it announces the closure of its embassy in a wing of the vast palace whose cellars and corridors are overflowing with the Pope’s looted riches.

Ireland's guide to how to spot a country

"This is really bad for the Vatican because Ireland is the first big Catholic country to do this, and because of what Catholicism means in Irish history," said a Vatican diplomatic source in a big red dress. “Er… not the history of serial child abuse we cheerfully covered up for decades. I mean getting rid of all those snakes, eternal damnation for divorcees - you know, the good stuff.”

The Irish government, for its part, insists that the embassy closure has been ordered purely on cost grounds - further irritating the Vatican, which is proud of its vital role in promoting civilised human values such as damning women for the wicked sin of thinking about family planning, or displaying the divine spirit of Christian forgiveness towards priests who, it insists, are understandably led astray by the constant, shameless flaunting of smooth young bottoms by sinful children entrusted to their pastoral care.

Experts believe it can only be a matter of time before the God tells the Pope to retaliate, by pastorally excommunicating the republic until it comes crawling back in a suitably chastened spirit of repentance with an offering of tempting, fresh young winkies.

Nobel Committee Criticised For Usurping China’s Sovereign Right To Embarrass China

Call that embarrassing?

China’s embarrassing national press has condemned the Nobel Peace Prize Committee after a presentation ceremony for pro-democracy campaigner Liu Xiaobo was held in Oslo with an empty chair symbolising the imprisoned dissident.

Now, this is embarrassing

“How dare the Nobel Committee presume to embarrass the glorious People’s Republic of China in this way?” thundered the English-language China Daily. “That right belongs first and foremost to the completely and utterly democratic Chinese government. Whether the industrious comrades in Beijing are democratically banning anyone who has ever met this dangerous criminal from travelling to Norway; demanding that the Norwegian government shut down the entire Nobel Foundation; propping up North Korea’s reckless dynasty of congenital nutters; shamelessly buying third world countries’ support with exploitative ‘development’ contracts; launching denial-of-service attacks on an innocuous internet search engine because it dares to find criticism of the leaders of the glorious revolution; or swamping the internet with botware to spy on the grovelling national servants of the evil, parasitical plutocrats, who have cynically moved their production here in humbled recognition of the vastly superior productivity of our enlightened proletariat – our political masters will always strive tirelessly for the greater shame of the everlasting Chinese revolution.”

And this is embarrassing

“And furthermore, never let it be said that our new capitalist comrades are shirking from their revolutionary duties,” continued the turgid prose. “These glorious Bentley-owning exploiters of the people have not neglected their duty in the embarrassment of China - cheerfully transforming our rivers into toxic sludge and poisoning the very air we breathe, fearlessly operating the most collapsible mines in the world in order to provide our heroic miners with glorious deaths in the name of revolutionary socialism, and industriously herding the rejoicing suicide regiments of the people’s revolution into vast slave camps to produce subversively defective goods for decadent and corrupted Westerners.”

And this makes an empty chair  look pretty feeble, too

“Let the upstart lackeys of the so-called Nobel Peace Prize Committee also reflect on the embarrassment of the Chinese media, for fearlessly suppressing the truth whenever it presumes to undermine the revolutionary socialist policies of our glorious leaders,” the report droned on remorselessly.

“And finally,” the article concluded on page 104, “May the whole world observe the exemplary enthusiasm with which the patriotic Han proletariat strives gloriously towards its own embarrassment, by its revolutionary racist treatment of ethnic minorities - like the wicked, reactionary Uighur parasites - in response to their misbegotten counter-revolutionary differences.”

"Not to mention their revolutionary fervour for eating endangered animals' penises," added a later supplement.

Nation Faints On Learning Duke Of York Takes After His Father

A chimp off the old block

The population of the United Kingdom swooned en masse this morning, on hearing that Prince Philip’s congenital lack of a brain has been inherited by one of his sons.

According to leaked US diplomatic memos, the duct tape somehow fell off his Prince Andrew’s mouth as he was amiably shaking hands with Kyrgyzstan’s leading murderers, blurting out a string of half-assed opinions before shocked aides managed to bundle him into his padded limousine.

The most spectacularly unformed thought to have seeped out of the Duke of York during the brief scuffle saw him calling the police “idiotic” for having the bloody cheek to look into British Aerospace’s jaw-dropping bribes to his very good friends, the Saudi royal family.

Business secretary Vince Cable later apologised for the Duke of York, stressing that the British government took bribing the Saud family very seriously indeed, which was why it squashed the investigation.

“Look, nobody in their right mind would buy BAe’s crappy jet fighter-bombers without a sodding great kickback,” he pointed out. “We would like to assure our corrupt Saudi friends that future nine-figure bungs will be hushed up just as before.”

“Would you like the Duke’s tongue cut out?” he offered helpfully.

Happening Of Shit Revealed By Wikileaks

250,000 classified US documents laid bare today by Wikileaks have confirmed to a shocked and disbelieving world that shit does indeed happen.

The stench down here really is appalling

Among the catalogue of shitty happenings, which have confirmed the worst fears of billions around the world whose alimentary canals have no exit, are disturbing indicators that:

• The Chinese government is not a model of probity;
• The Saudi monarchy still does not quite see eye-to-eye with the ayatollahs who overthrew the Iranian monarchy;
• In Russia, kleptomania is not entirely incompatible with a successful career in politics;
• Accounting standards in Afghanistan leave something to be desired;
• Corrupt, power-crazed egomaniac Vladimir Putin gets along famously with corrupt, power-crazed egomaniac Silvio Berlusconi.

Meanwhile, heroic Wikileaks founder Julian Asswipe claims that his website has suddenly come under deliberate and sustained attack from the US government, millions of whose lackeys all around the world are making a concerted effort to crash the site by trying to download and read the documents he has so bravely posted.

Vatican Presented With Cut Out ’n’ Keep Identification Guide To The Third World

Catholic spin doctors as still trying to come up with some kind of plausible explanation for Cardinal Hitler Kasper’s views on Britain, which are threatening to overshadow the Pope’s state visit.

After the 77-year-old German prepared to fly into the UK, he told reporters that "when you land at Heathrow you think at times you have landed in a Third World country." He was promptly pushed back into his taxi by red-faced Vatican officials, who explained that the Cardinal was clearly suffering from advanced gout of the head.

“Cardinal Kasper was obviously referring to the militant state atheism which makes Britain indistinguishable from North Korea, especially after you’ve finished off the communion wine,” said a sweating PR priest. “No? OK, try this – he was merely making a jocular reference to all the jungle bunnies… er… degenerate melting pot of inferior races… er… can I get back to you on this?”

Britain’s ambassador to the postage stamp-sized religious city-state – which, having a birth rate of zero, is composed entirely of immigrants - later presented the Vatican with a helpful guide to spotting Third World countries, which includes the following helpful tips on a handy cut-out cribsheet:

1. Is governed solely according to whim of charismatic leader appointed by self-perpetuating oligarchy;

2. Stages frequent highly-orchestrated public spectacles full of spurious pageantry;

3. Places petty minor officials in every neighbourhood, interfering with every aspect of private life;

4. Cultivates blind obedience and widespread ignorance in poverty-stricken subjects;

5. Blithely ignores world opinion;

6. Badly-equipped army maintains order by hiring foreign mercenaries.

A typical third world army

Scottish Parliament Struggling To Explain Concept of ‘Doctors’ To Senators

If you can't piss up it, senator, try this

Scotland’s leaders are still making heroic efforts to explain to four US senators what a doctor is, what he does and why it’s none of their fucking business, after receiving a peremptory demand to publish convicted Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset al-Megrahi’s medical records.

“A doctor is a very clever grown-up who spends lots of years learning all about the intricacies of the human organism, how it works in minute detail, and the many complicated things that might concievably go wrong with it,” said First Minister Alex Salmond for the umpteenth time. “He then applies all of his considerable training and experience to the daunting task of determining to the best of his ability what may be ailing his patients, and trying to predict every possible outcome for every available course of action. It’s quite a bit harder than changing the batteries in a Fisher-Price toy, which would appear to be about the level of the senators’ understanding of medicine.”

“The doctor also has to promise not to tell every Tom, Dick or Harry he meets about a patient’s health,” he added. “Indeed, unless it is in the patient’s interest to divulge information to specific parties, he is obliged to keep it strictly to himself, and not pop a copy of his medical history in an envelope and post it to you simply because you don’t happen to like him.”

“For example, our chief medical officer told us about Mr al-Megrahi’s inoperable prostate cancer because it was in Mr al-Megrahi’s best interests to spend his remaining time on earth in a proper hospital near his loved ones, and we had the authority to let him out of our prison,” he explained in a letter to the senators, annotated with many helpful pictures. “He didn’t tell you because it’s got fuck all to do with you. Sorry if I’m getting a bit technical here.”

Mr Salmond expressed his regret that the senators had clearly failed to piss properly up the rope he sent them earlier, and suggested that it might be easier for them to cut it into four lengths, climb a tree, tie one end to a high branch and the other to the necks they were apparently incapable of winding in, and jump.

“If you have any other sodding insolent questions about anything that doesn’t concern you, I shall of course be happy to offer further advice,” he concluded, adding, “You may wish to have a short pier handy.”

Diplomatic Row Now Threatening Stability of Entire Trouser Region

The diplomatic stand-off between Middle East allies Israel and Turkey escalated today, after the Israeli ambassador was summoned to the Turkish foreign ministry and given a Chinese burn until he agreed to pedal up and down in front of jeering onlookers on a children's toy tricycle for an hour.

The humiliating demand is the Turkish government's response to Israel's treatment of its own ambassador, Oguz Celikkol, yesterday. After being asked to offer his government's thoughts on how a Turkish TV series depicting Israeli secret agents as evil child-snatchers might foster a deeper understanding between Muslims and Jews, the Turkish ambassador to Jerusalem was - in an unprecedentedly flagrant breach of international protocol - made to sit on a lowly comfortable sofa before the TV cameras of the world.

"Our evil allies, the dirty Jewish race, deliberately snubbed us in the eyes of the world by not giving our representative the highest seat in the room," explained furious Turkish president Abdullah Gul Dukat. "As our friends, they know very well that only a tennis umpire's chair provides the appropriate height from which we can look down with disdain on their sub-human faces."

The Knesset is holding a special session this evening to register its anger over the latest tricycle outrage, with some parties calling for Mr Celikkol to be forced to walk to work tomorrow morning with his trousers around his ankles, clutching a variety of useless household items.

Meanwhile, Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas urged both sides to take as long as they need to reach an amicable end to their disagreement.

"Don't mind us," he said, speaking on behalf of the 3.8m occupants of the Palestinian Territories. "You just concentrate on getting the serious issues sorted out, OK?"

Indifference Mounting For Insufferable Yachtie Pricks Seized By Iran

Britain is to tell Iran that it is more than welcome to keep five insufferable pricks and their toy sailing boat, but warn the Middle Eastern rogue state that in future it might want to restrict its hostage-taking activities to yachts without sails.

"We recognise that, as a pariah state, Iran is desperate to win friends," said a spokesman for the Foreign and Commonwealth Office today. "Certainly, the detention of five self-satisfied, tanned bastards - whose lives are so peachy they can afford to swan around in some so-called 'race' nobody would otherwise have ever heard of - will win Iran plenty of new friends in the lengthening dole queues of Britain, where people are having to decide between putting the heating on for an hour or boiling the kettle for a cup of tea."

"Smugly insulated from the sufferings of their compatriots as these yachtie twerps are, though, if President Ahmedinejad really wants to get the British people waving his posters in the streets, he ought to be sending his Revolutionary Guard dinghies to put a couple of torpedoes into the floating gin palaces operated by our major financial institutions," he continued. "And, frankly, if Lord Mandelson happened to be aboard at the time, the cheering would be heard all the way to Tehran."

"Or perhaps they could mount a seaborne invasion of Sark," he added. "If Iran wants to seize the Barclay brothers, I'm sure the Admiralty has charts and tide tables that would help enormously."

US Intelligence Codebreakers Still Struggling To Crack Russian Alphabet

In a gesture intended to heal the political gulf between America and Russia which opened up during the Bush administration, the US Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, has presented her Russian counterpart with a pointless but insulting toy.

The toy consists of a big red button mounted on a bright yellow box, labelled 'RESET' and 'PEREGRUZKA'.

"'Perezagruzka' is the Russian word for 'reset', actually," said Sergei Lavrov, Russia's Foreign Minister. "This, however, says 'overload'. Are you daring to suggest that our esteemed prime minister, Vladimir Putin, is in some way not up to the job of running our motherland? And why are there three clockwise arrows on this big button? Is this your unsubtle way of calling him a knob? Perhaps the smirk will be wiped off your shiny plastic face if I remind you that we still have a big red button of our own, and Mr Putin's finger is hovering over it even as we speak."

"Oh, and by the way, in Russia we use the Cyrillic alphabet," he added. "I don't expect you to have heard of it, even if it is older than your stupid country."

"The things you learn," said a sheepish Mrs Clinton, pausing briefly from frantically kissing the angry Russian minister's hairy arse. "In all my incredible overseas exploits - heroically dodging bullets, bombs and DNA-seeking missiles in Serbia, single-handedly liberating our POWs in Vietnam armed only with an M-16 and a bandana, and demolishing the entire Berlin Wall with a single blow from my mighty hammer - it somehow contrived to escape my attention that millions of people around the world are not only forced to live in tragic ignorance of the democratic American language, but they are even denied the basic freedom to use honest, hardworking American letters like J and W. Looks like our plan for cultural world domination still has some way to go, I guess."