Softhead Downgrade Blamed For Cameron’s NotBest Wank Chaos

Red-faced programmers have apologised for the glitch which caused David Cameron to inflict his NotBest Wank misery on the hard-up public this weekend, blaming the problem on a routine downgrade to his soft head.

Daily Mail hacks caught it full in the face

Millions found themselves contemplating abject penury when, without any warning, the prime minister suddenly began spewing random gibberish into a pair of senior Daily Mail reporters.

“It’s all very well Mr Cameron’s minions working overtime, but most of us don’t happen to have huge wads of cash squirreled away somewhere like Jersey for a rainy day,” complained a typical impoverished customer, “But it seems a bit unfair to expect people to live on their parents’ credit cards until the welfare state comes back online at some unspecified point in the distant future.”

“Especially when so many of us are slaving away on less than the minimum wage,” he snapped. “We’re totally reliant on Mr Cameron sparing us a token bit of interest. I’m switching, but it probably won’t make any difference. Milibank or Barclegg – these wanks are all as bad as each other, aren’t they?”

“It looks like Cameron’s no benefit to anyone,” he concluded in disgust.

Cameron Defeats Tax Fiddles 1-0 With Well-Aimed Kicking Of The Unemployed

Pubs all over England erupted in frenzied cheers today as David Cameron, the legendary right-winger in the number 10 shirt, led his dream team of millionaires to victory with a beautifully-timed kick to the unemployed.

“The lads have been feeling sick as a parrot lately, what with all these intrusive stories in the papers lately about their tax lives,” admitted an ecstatic Mr Cameron, after being carried around the stadium by delighted fellow players including Sir Chris Hoy, Gary Barlow and Jimmy Carr. “But when I suddenly saw the ball coming my way, I knew I had no option but to boot it clean through the back of the welfare safety net. I reckon my old dad would be proud of me.”

Balls to the unemployed

“It’s a funny old game. One minute you’re down, the next you’re up,” grinned spud-faced bad boy Jimmy Carr – back on side after, only days earlier, earning himself a stern talking-to from his captain for bringing their game into disrepute and feigning injury. “But it doesn’t matter, because this shows our critics that we just can’t lose.”

“We’re gutted,” moaned the jobless. “It doesn’t matter what we do, we just keep losing and losing and losing. These guys are in a different league altogether.”

All over the country, meanwhile, manual workers on council estates and middle-class housewives alike are deliriously chanting the same happy song to their unemployed neighbours: “You’re going down!”

Recession Ends As Blue People Win Thing

Shiny thing make it all better

The British public were still dancing deliriously in every street up and down the land this morning after blue-shirted people won a shiny thing and red-shirted people didn’t, causing the recession to disappear forever.

Not in other news:

Europe Reverts To Hunter-Gatherer Existence 

NHS Abolished 

Badgers Awarded Benefits As Disabled Cull Begins

Born-Again Work & Pensions Secretary Miraculously Struck Kind

On this day, it so happened that a repentant St. Iain Pduncan Psmith did testify before unbelieving scribes that the Lord Jsasus had appeared unto him in a vision as his party was journeying on the road to local election wipeout, demanding: “Smith, Smith, why do you persecute me?” before miraculously striking him utterly kind.

Hallelujah, we're saved

And it came to pass that St. Pduncan Psmith – hitherto feared throughout the land as the scourge of the weak – did henceforth bear witness to the suffering of the poor, the halt and the lame before the Pharisees of the Treasury, sending an inspirational epistle to the Times.

Verily, however, disabled recipients of the former high priest’s ministrations – many of whom had miraculously been declared fit by his Atos Medical minions – yet harboured in their hearts lingering doubts about St. Pduncan Psmith’s phenomenal affliction of kindness; for, in their wickedness, they said unto one another: “Indeed, this is like unto some temporary sort of kindness, from which he might recover just as miraculously on May 4th.”

And they were sore afraid.

Hilarious Tory Post-Ironic Wartime Poster Parody Craze Seizes Internet

‘Decent, Hard-Working Families’ Exposed As Spiteful Daily Mail-Reading Desk Jockeys Contemplating Divorce

Look at the good, honest sweat pouring off him

A nationwide search for the ‘decent, hard-working families’ whose interests and approval are the driving force behind David Cameron's government has revealed that they are all sitting on their fat arses in front of a spreadsheet from nine to five, furiously whipping themselves up into a chorus of hate over the latest welfare-state atrocity which the Daily Mail has kindly brought to their attention, whilst mentally crossing off the days until their feeble-minded children are finally old enough to be told that mummy and daddy are sick and tired of tolerating each other’s selfish emotional and physical demands.

Mr Cameron, however, dismissed the findings as “irrelevant” as he seeks to drag the Lords and Europe kicking and screaming into the 21st century and abolish the outdated concepts of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and replace morality with the universal human values of ‘me’, ‘me’ and ‘me’.

Archbishop Spreads The Word ‘Cunt’

Praise the cunt

Retired archbishop George Carey urged Britain to join him in worshipping a golden statue of a calf adorned with the twisted, snarling features of Mail editor-in-chief Paul Dacre.

“I worshipped that softy loser Christ all my life, and all I ever got out of it was a pointy hat and a stick,” preached the former Archbishop of Canterbury. “Bollocks to that. My new lord and paymaster, Paul Dacre Almighty, says those who faithfully accept his message of selfishness and greed into their hearts can redeem real, tangible rewards right here on earth."

"Like this cheque made out to ‘That cunt Carey’," he proclaimed joyfully. "Hallelujah!”

Labour: ‘We Told You The Welfare State Was An Evil Liberal Conspiracy’

Exterminate

Miliband 2, the robot who is apparently the fruition of generations of the hopes and dreams of the working class, is set to announce today that the Labour Party has always maintained that the welfare state was created by twisted Liberal traitor David Lloyd George for the sole purpose of hastening the collapse of the British Empire.

Once plugged in, Mr 2 will tell Britain what it loves to hear - namely that the jobless, the infirm and the elderly dream of nothing but stealing the food out of the very mouths of your starving kids.

“There is no war but class war,” Mr 2 is expected to drone. “That’s you, me and the Tories, united in solidarity against these thieving underclass bastards. How dare they have nothing? How bloody dare they? Let’s take it away from them.”

British Public Says Screw You

Welcome to the 21st century

A marked change in social attitudes reveals that the British public object to paying any taxes for anything, according to a survey published today by the National Centre For Anti-Social Research.

“Fuck the NHS. Fuck schools. Fuck the unemployed. Fuck the disabled,” said everybody. “Why should I subsidise all that? I’m the only bugger who does any sodding work round here.”

The survey reveals a widespread belief that everybody should bloody well stand on their own two feet, especially those bastards who haven’t got any.

Government To Boost Economy By Forcing Minor Offenders Into Lifetime Of Criminal Activity

The prime minister today unveiled a daring plan to boost Britain’s renascent criminal industry by deducting £25 a week from the benefits of petty criminals who have been fined for their minor misdemeanours - thereby forcing them to steal in order to stay alive.

“According to data produced by my fertile imagination and confirmed by the Daily Mail, all crime is committed by jobless skivers,” piped up David Cameron, with steam shooting out of his ears as his brain went into overdrive. “The government says that a person needs £67.50 a week to live on, and up to now the courts have decided that £62.50 is just about survivable when deducting fines from the benefits of the poor - who obviously can’t pay up immediately, because they are on a benefit expressly designed to keep them in penury.”

Bless him, he's putting the economy back on track

“All we have to do is tip them over the edge by slashing that to a miserable £42.50 a week,” beamed the PM. “They will then be forced to spend their time more productively by shoplifting, mugging and housebreaking simply to feed and clothe themselves and pay their household bills. When they’re caught, we’ll just keep it going by slapping fine after impossible fine on them. Just think of it as clawing back a significant proportion of Britain’s enormous welfare bill.”

“Theft is a fine British tradition we can all be proud of,” explained City analyst Rob Blind as he sipped cocktails from the deck of his yacht, which is an essential management tool for tax purposes. “We may not have an empire to loot any more, but it’s jolly good to know that the Conservatives are making strenuous efforts to restore our worldwide reputation as a powerhouse of criminal activity.”

The Daily Mail – whose owner, Lord Rothermere, speaks only French to the taxman - cautiously welcomed Mr Cameron’s visionary scheme, but pointed out that this growth industry - which is key to Britain’s future prosperity - would prosper even faster if his government followed it to its logical conclusion and abolished the hated welfare system tomorrow.

Benefit Scroungers Started First World War, Insists Iain Duncan Myth

Not content with claiming that all rioting, truancy and appalling dress sense can be solely attributed to the insidious welfare state, No Work and No Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Myth today claimed to have uncovered irrefutable evidence that World War I’s 9,000,000 pointless casualties were the tragic but inevitable result of flagrant and widespread abuse of England’s insanely generous Poor Laws by a highly organised cadre of malingering paupers.

“Take this down, chaps,” he told delighted reporters. “I can, if required, produce incontrovertible-looking documents which purport to show that Gavrilo Princep was only able to shoot Archduke Ferdinand and his charming wife dead on that fateful day in Sarajevo because he had cynically hoodwinked some wishy-washy bunch of Manchester Guardian-reading Poor Law commissioners into granting him a crisis loan for an automatic pistol, claiming he needed it to protect himself from marauding crows.”

Of course, half the East End sported wingtip shoes the next day

Mr Duncan Myth went on to tell frantically-scribbling hacks that Broken Britain’s workshy criminal underclass were also single-handedly responsible for torching London, Coventry, Plymouth and dozens of other cities in the early 1940s and then concocting some unlikely sob-story about being provoked into committing their sinful acts of arson as a legitimate expression of their grievances concerning the so-called ‘fascist’ behaviour of officers belonging to the Luftwaffe's flying squad.

Leave Crips On Railway Lines, Says Mail, We’ll Soon See If They Can Walk

One way or another, one of these should cure the bastards

The Daily Mail has responded to the Work & Pensions Select Committee’s comments about negative reporting about the sick and disabled by urging its readers to push the first wheelchair-bound shirker they come across onto a busy railway track, preferably not more than five minutes before an intercity train is due to pass through at 100mph.

“The healing power of the right motivation cannot be underestimated,” said Middle England’s favourite newspaper. “You’ve all seen Little Britain, haven’t you? So you know these so-called paraplegics are just greedy parasites who have deliberately chosen to become too damned lazy even to wipe their own arses, cynically milking the honest sympathy of decent, hardworking taxpayers. Put them in front of a few hundred tons of speeding metal, and if you don’t enjoy the enlightening sight of them leaping, staggering or crawling for their parasitic lives we’ll refund you the cost of today’s Daily Mail.”

“Of course, we accept that we may lose a pound or two from our sales figures,” continued the front-page diatribe with undisguised glee. “But for every payment we make, we’ll take heart from the knowledge that we’ve saved the economy thousands of pounds a year in the cost of feeding another useless mouth. Heil Dacre.”

Determined not to be outdone by its rival, today’s Daily Express led with a suggestion that the mentally ill be used for cosmetic testing.

“Fucktards have eyes, don’t they?” screamed it’s front page. “It is an affront to civilisation that lovable flopsy bunnies are subjected to caustic chemicals and hacked to pieces in a dubious quest for arbitrary notions of beauty when there are mentals roaming free who, for all we know, might even enjoy having shampoo poured in their eyes. Who knows what goes on inside their sick, twisted minds? Or cares?”

That Fat Bastard On The Sick Who Lives Three Doors Down Is Undoubtedly A Junkie, Warns Government, And He’s Pissing Your Money Up Against The Wall

That's him, officer

The government told you today that the shut-in gutbucket on sickness benefits who lives a couple of doors down from you is laughing his fat arse off at you as he swills down gallons of prescription cider and pumps free heroin into his veins, all paid for out of your bloody taxes.

You turned a nasty shade of purple, according to eyewitnesses, and shouted, “I’ll fix his little game, the lazy fucking thief!” before grabbing the phone and grassing him up to the DWP, insisting under condition of strict anonymity that you saw him kicking a football about in the park last Sunday with his mates and he looked fit as a bloody fiddle to you.

The government later expressed gratitude for public-spirited paragons like you, adding that the only reason people were in wheelchairs was that their legs were so riddled with puncture marks that it would be like trying to walk on two leaking balloons.

Later, you hooted with glee as you photographed your neighbour being squeezed into in a police car, before enthusiastically uploading the images to Facebook to start a hate campaign against him.

Times Readers Unshakeable In Belief That Eastern Europeans Covet Our Insanely Generous Benefits

The scene outside every single Jobcentre tomorrow, probably

The British public absolutely refuses to accept the idea that Eastern Europe will not empty overnight as the entire population west of Vienna makes a beeline for Folkestone’s Jobcentre, following the announcement that migrants from the so-called A8 countries - the Czech Republic, Poland, Hungary, Slovakia, Slovenia, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania - which joined the EU in 2004 would be able to claim the full, lavish range of UK benefits from May.

This morning’s Times painted a horrifying picture of legions of workaholic Slavs greedily draining every last drop of glorious British benefits from our dole offices, then racing round to the nearest estate agents in their new Bentleys to buy up every single property in Mayfair thanks to the open-handed naïveté of the British taxpayer.

A timorous lackey of the Department for Work and Pensions vainly tried to suggest that if there really were any such thing as ‘benefit tourism’, all of Britain’s jobless would be in Germany - but his quavering voice was drowned out by an ugly crowd marching towards the nation’s ports and air terminals, armed with blunt instruments and chanting, “They took our British jobs, now they’re coming for our British benefits.”

Cricket bat-wielding Alvin Sweetman, 82, spoke for Britain when he snarled, “Mark my words: £64.30 a week is a king’s ransom to an unreconstructed ex-KGB communist living in a tin shed in Bratislava. He might get fistfuls of monopoly money anywhere else in Northern Europe, I grant you, but what your Ivan really craves above all else is the everlasting value of the trusty British pound in his pocket, and maybe even two.”

Scrapping Minimum Wage Will Make The Poor Wealthier, Insists Loony Bin With Impressive-Sounding Title

Mr Duncan Smith, surrounded by his advisors

The work and pensions secretary has been urged to either scrap or drastically reduce the minimum wage by a collection of raving lunatics calling themselves the Institute Of Economic Affairs, who are absolutely convinced that having less money will make poor people better off, and also that their fillings are picking up alien radio messages.

"Iain Duncan Smith has rightly analysed the welfare problem, but is only part of the way to a welfare solution," IEA director general Mark Littlewood yelled at passing cars, as he fled from a pair of white-coated men carrying big butterfly nets. "Of course, we need to ensure that it pays to work, and we can do this simply by paying people a lot less. It's insane that it can be more profitable to be on welfare than in employment, although not half as insane as us."

"The daily life of benefit recipients should not be that different from the daily life of their working peers," he earnestly informed a wandering pigeon, “Except of course that their arses will be falling out of their trousers, and they’ll go home to count their riches every evening in a ramshackle bedsit shared with at least one screaming psychotic knife-collector who isn’t taking his medication because - like me and my friends Napoleon, Elvis and Wee Billy Bampot, the rightful king of Scotland - he knows that he isn’t a nutter, it’s everyone else who’s barking mad.”

Mr Duncan Smith thanked the loony think-tank for their input, but said it did not go nearly far enough for his liking.

“What’s all this nonsense about pay?” he demanded. “I’m trying to abolish that.”

Government Tells God To Mind His Own Business

The Conservative party at prayer

Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith today told Dr Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, to ask God if He would kindly keep His nose out of things that don’t concern him and stick to saving Australians from exploding jet engines, after the archbishop called the government’s plan to force the unemployed into unpaid manual labour unfair and flawed.

"People often are in this starting place, not because they are wicked or stupid or lazy but because circumstances have been against them,” Dr Williams told the BBC, “And to drive that spiral deeper does seem a great problem."

“Dr Williams’ God is telling him to stick his oar into issues that are none of His business, like decency, humanity and the welfare of the poor, sick and vulnerable,” retorted Mr Duncan Smith. “Well, mine is telling me, through the pages of his glorious oracle, the Sun, to harass the holy living shit out of the lazy skiving bastards. And, unlike the archbishop, I have concrete proof that my god actually exists. So he can swivel on his crozier.”

“Hasn’t he got a tombola stall to run, or something?” he added.

Meanwhile, the Labour party, unions, charities and other organisations which nobody has much time for any more joined the church leader in condemning the proposals, as people on the second-lowest rung of society cheerfully set about kicking the people beneath them.

“I don’t see why I should pay taxes so these bastards in areas where there isn’t any work can sit around blatantly not doing the work that isn’t there, come to think of it I don’t see why I should pay any taxes at all,” said a badly-paid man with no job security who will be first in the queue to claim benefits when his temporary contract is cancelled later early next year. “Frankly, if you ask me, every welfare reform since the abolition of slavery has been a bit of a mistake.”

Housing Charity Confirms Boris Johnson’s Fears of Impending Servant Shortage

The homelessness charity Shelter today confirmed that London mayor Boris Johnson was right to express his concern that the government’s proposed cap on housing benefits would price the servant class out of the city, saying that research by Cambridge University clearly indicated that the majority of two-bedroom homes in Greater London would be priced beyond the reach of claimants.

“Without a pool of available labour on hand in the capital, Mr Johnson and his fellow Tory millionaires will be forced to club together to pay the costs of bussing their cleaners, drivers, valets and chimney sweeps down from the North of England and back every day,” said chief executive Campbell Robb.

“Of course, the comparatively minor shared expense of a few dozen minibuses might not lose them a great deal of sleep,” he added, “But perhaps they should ask themselves if they really want to place their lives and fragile, priceless household knick-knacks in the hands of a group of incomprehensible Northerners, who will be in a permanent semi-torpid state due to the daily rigours of a ten-hour round trip.”

PM David Cameron, however, remains unmoved - suggesting that he and other Tory grandees would be well-placed to mount an inexpensive bid for the athletes’ village currently under construction in the East End, once the London Olympics were over.

Hot-bunking should fit up to twelve skivvies into each hutch, says Cameron

“Owing to their strange lack of ensuite kitchen facilities, these accommodations are completely unviable for commercial letting purposes,” he pointed out. “On the other hand, this omission makes them perfect – and, of course, reassuringly cheap - barracks accommodation for our army of skivvies.”

Survey Shows Regan and Goneril Unwilling To Support Lear and Cordelia

According to a realm-wide survey heralded today, two-thirds of the former King Lear’s daughters do not see why they should support either their retired father or their jobless sister Cordelia.

“This lack of support for a welfare state among the younger generation will come as a shock to many of the king’s faithful retainers, such as Kent,” proclaimed a herald. “Regan and Goneril object rather strongly to their father’s quaint notion that the state should continue to pay for his upkeep and his hundred knights. And they aren’t too hot on their unemployed sister, either, after they usurped her third of the kingdom. They don’t see why they should keep giving her handouts, just so she can raise a huge brood of feckless brats with her partner, the bone-idle King of France.”

“I’m not happy,” howled the elderly King on receiving the news. “I work bloody hard all my life to build up a decent kingdom and give my kids the best start in life, and this is the thanks I get? All I asked of them was a measly hundred knights to keep me in my declining years, and now I’ve had them taken away all I’m left with a blind old Earl of Gloucester to look after and some bloody Fool who’s no help at all. He just sits there making sarky comments.”

Stop your bloody whingeing and get a job, say under-25s

Regan and Goneril were unrepentant, however.

“This kingdom belongs to us now, yeah, and we got these big plans,” said Regan. “I don’t wanna sound like really harsh, right, but dad’s just a burden, frankly, and if he in’t got the decency to lie down quietly under a bush and die then that’s like totally not our problem.”

Goneril had equally harsh words for her weak sister Cordelia: “Mate, it’s a dog-eat-dog world right? If you’d like followed us into Canterbury Business School instead of doing some noddy Courtly Romance degree at Lindisfarne Uni, see, you might have learned to look out for yourself. You can’t just expect to live comfortably, right, on a handout from an irresponsible dad who didn’t give a shit about making financial provisions for his retirement.”

“As for that malingering bloody Earl of Gloucester,” added Regan, “I read somewhere that most so-called ‘blind’ people have like 20% vision actually, or something like that. There’s loads of jobs he could do, prob’ly, the sponging bugger, if he got up off his arse and looked.”

‘Hang On, What Did You Just Say?’ Tory Conference Asks Osborne

This wining yummy mummy could be forced to cancel her monthly case subscription

Enthusiastic cheering at the Tory conference in Birmingham suddenly faded to deathly silence this morning when, amid a welter of crowd-pleasing attacks on the welfare state, chancellor George Osborne mumbled something about axing child benefit for families in the upper income tax band.

“Did that little squirt up there just say he was going to stop my wife’s wine budget?” whispered a concerned stockbroker from Cheam to the pensioner sitting next to her. “I must be a bit deaf from all the hollering and clapping.”

“I am at the right conference, aren’t I?” he grumbled, when his neighbour confirmed the proposed cut. “I could have sworn the trots held theirs last week.”

A spokesman for the Independent Schools Council later warned that, with many top earners already feeling the pinch from last year’s brief hiccup in the bonus culture, the universal child benefit payment of £20.30 for the first child and £13.40 per addendum was all that was stood between the nation’s most gifted children and a knife in the kidneys at some hideous state-sector child dump.

“Britain’s valuable public schools are cutting their own throats by pinning fees down to, in some provincial cases, as little as double what some ghastly jobseeker receives in a year,” he announced. “If this essential educational supplement were to be withdrawn in a shortsighted fit of parsimony, why, our members would simply have little choice but to restrict entry exclusively to the offspring of well-rewarded government officials from overseas.”

Mr Osborne later apologised for his overzealous mistake, and promised to make some suitable adjustment, probably in the tax system, in his next budget.

“Er, I was aiming at all those fat oiky breeders on council estates, obviously,” he stammered. “Rest assured, ladies, by the time the budget rolls around, I’ll have arranged something for you in the form of some sort of tax break. Don’t worry, we’ll fill your husband’s accountant in on the details.”

Evil DWP Genius Up To Something Or Other

Mr Duncan Smith aims to recruit an army of poorly-motivated minions

While the British media focused their full attention upon the sheer moral bankruptcy of Ed Miliband’s fuckbuddy relationship, work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith eagerly settled down to flesh out his unobtrusively-approved plans to do unspecified but undoubtedly malevolent things to the nation’s rapidly-filling ranks of paupers.

At a grudgingly-called press conference for the benefit of a couple of late-rising freelance hacks who spotted a minor item on BBC Teletext before it was deleted, a ruffled Mr Duncan Smith strode impatiently up to the rostrum. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, during which he fiddled angrily with his cufflinks and made a show of repeatedly casting exaggerated glances at his watch, he finally snapped, “Well?”

Replying to a timorous request for clarification on exactly how he planned to implement a single benefit for all claimants, the secretary of state jabbed at a button on the podium, causing a trapdoor to open beneath the questioner and drop him into a dusty pit filled with writhing, venomous snakes.

When another journalist hesitantly asked whether it was really possible for one universal benefit to cover all circumstances - citing retirement, degrees of disability and significant geographical variations in the cost of housing and the availability of work - a sudden eruption of razor-edged discs from the walls silently beheaded him and disappeared again.

“Any more questions?” cackled Mr Duncan Smith fiendishly, before escaping in his personal airship en route to a secret prototype Jobcentre buried somewhere deep beneath the snow-swept Himalayan plateau.