Government To Buy Crashed P-40 For Navy

The crashed Curtiss P-40 discovered in the Egyptian desert after 70 years is to be purchased for the nation, restored to flying condition and assigned to the Royal Navy’s carrier fleet, little Richard Hammond told the House of Commons today.

Just the thing

“This historic pile of scrap is not just a tribute to a generation of heroes who willingly gave their lives in the nation’s hour of greatest need,” explained the diminutive defence secretary. “Bolt a hook on the back and hey presto, it perfectly matches for our fleet requirements for a strike fighter. Pity it wasn’t a Firefly, though. They came with a dinghy thrown in free.”

Mr Hammond also expressed the hope that diligent searchers would eventually discover what happened to missing pilot Dennis Copping, who apparently walked away from the crash site.

“As I see it, Flight Sergeant Copping deliberately went AWOL,” he announced, “When he turns up, I reckon the least he can do to make amends is to train a new generation of naval pilots in P-40 operations.”

Earliest Christian Skeleton Already Boring Archaeologists

Leading archaeologists are already desperate searching for any excuse to avoid the oldest Christian remains ever found in Britain, it emerged just one day after the 1400-year-old skeleton was dug up in Cambridgeshire.

Desperately in need of a good shag, say experts

“The skeleton has been identified as that of an intensely irritating sixteen-year-old girl, no doubt a fresh convert to the recently-introduced faith after about a year of obsessing loudly about veganism and a brief emo phase,” yawned leading archaeopresenter Tony Robinson. “Phil, do we know how she died?”

“Well, Tonee, oi do reckon ‘urr must of bin ‘it on the ‘ead by a flagon, wot ‘er farvur prob’ly frowed at ‘urr to put a stop to ‘urr constant naggin’ ‘bowt ‘is drinkin’ ‘abits,” opined colleague Phil Harding, a leading expert on early Christian sanctimoniousness.

“This has to be one of the most infuriating finds I’ve ever seen,” Mr Robinson told a passing camera. “Just by lying there, this self-righteous little cow highlights all our shortcomings and keeps reminding us that we’re all going to hell when we die. The diggers are already at work on a new trench, and when it’s six feet deep we'll chuck her manky bones in, backfill it and knock up a quick ‘Danger: Radioactive Biohazard’ sign.”

“And we’ve got just three days to do it,” he added.

Britain Celebrates Timely Death Of Previous Monarch

King George VI and Mrs VI

The nation is united today in celebrating King George VI considerate death from cancer, which enabled his daughter to spend sixty years sitting on a big golden chair as her realm declined into imbecility.

“By all accounts the queen’s dad was a thoroughly decent stick who looked like Colin Firth and beat Hitler by overcoming an embarrassing speech impediment,” said every news presenter today. “George VI died as he lived, putting his beloved country first, firm in his belief that what post-Imperial Britain needed to sit and watch its inexorable decay was a hot young thing rather than some diffident chinless wonder.”

Royal observers say the queen feels exactly the same, much to the chagrin of Prince Charles.

Food Retail Sector Nostalgic For 1862

Britain’s supermarket chains have set their sights firmly on the salad days of 1862, when their predecessors could cheerfully demand the equivalent of £1254.17 out of every single shopper, every single week, according to a wistful slice of nostalgia in this month’s Grocer Magazine.

“Can you imagine charging 74 times what we do now, just for a grape?” exclaimed a spokesman for Marks & Spencer, wiping away tears of joy. “We certainly can.”

The Victorian Value range

The delighted supermarkets are also eyeing up great price-adjustment opportunities in pineapples, melons and tea, among other foodstuffs which modern shoppers take for granted.

“Of course, in Victorian times the grocer faced stiff competition from a strong self-sufficiency movement - or ‘growing a turnip in the back yard for Christmas’, as it was quaintly known back then,” pointed out a titled member of the Sainsbury family. “And market penetration was somewhat lower than it is today, due to deaths from malnutrition.”

However, the supermarkets are keen to point out that not everything in 1862 would have cost you an arm and a leg or any hope of reaching your 40th birthday.

“Your friendly, helpful Victorian grocer simply wouldn’t have dreamt of asking you to pay for many everyday items,” the magazine pointed out. “For example, there would have been no charge at all for an HDTV, a microwave oven or a box set of the Shrek movies. That was all part of the service.”

“However, due to the costs associated with shipping these items all the way from China nowadays, that’s one olde worlde price our subscribers regret they won’t be passing onto their valued customers,” it added.

Nixon Was Black Vietcong Lesbian Jewish Draft Dodger, Claims Man With Book To Sell

An author who very much wants you to give him $25.99 insists that disgraced US president Richard Milhous Nixon may well have secretly been an actively black, Jewish, lesbian member of the Vietcong who for years ran the United States from across the Canadian border, it emerged today in newspapers in lieu of actual news.

Goddammit, Nixon

“The evidence is all there if you look for it,” explained Don Fulshit, “In a 6-point footnote on page 193 of my soon-to-be-bestseller, ‘Nixon’s Darkest Secrets’ (Thomas Dunne Books, $25.99), out next month.”

Fulshit also claims that, as a young US naval officer in World War II, the fanatical Shinto-worshipping Nixon personally guided kamikaze pilots onto the decks of every warship on which he served. After the war, he adds, a disillusioned but now radically-suntanned Nixon turned to communism and was recruited by the KGB, who ordered him to become the first black vice-president of the United States and help Senator ‘Red Joe’ McCarthy to plant communist sympathisers throughout Washington and Hollywood.

Goddammit, Nixon

It was during this period, says Fulshit, that the sexually-ambivalent Nixon was surgically transformed into a buxom woman and had a string of hushed-up lesbian affairs with Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and Doris Day.

1960, however, was a turning point in Nixon’s career of treachery. Disgusted by her arch-enemy John F Kennedy’s election victory, Nixon fled to Vietnam - where her communist fervour soon saw her leading Viet Cong assaults first against the French, and later her own countrymen.

Goddammit, Nixon

Returning as president to the United States after rigging the 1968 election with hundreds of forged megavotes, Nixon’s first supreme act of wanton treachery was to shamefully transfer the White House to Thunder Bay, Ontario to avoid military service. From then on, she dedicated her time in office to sabotaging the US military campaign in Vietnam – ordering USAF B-52s to airdrop bicycles on the Ho Chi Minh trail, for example - before her career of ignominy was finally brought to a close after she was discovered in the boiler room of Winnipeg’s exclusive Watergate Hotel, circumcising babies in Yiddish with a potato peeler.

“I am often asked, ‘Didn’t Nixon have any redeeming features?’” reflected Fulshit. “Well, I’ll say one thing for the old rogue: according to my meticulous research, she was absolutely incapable of lying.”

Manky Viking Detritus Causes Accident In Tony Robinson’s Underpants

Probably used in some sort of ritual

A set of undergarments which once belonged to Britain’s foremost archaeologist, TV’s Tony Robinson, are now in the hands of expert conservators who hope to eventually restore them to how they may well have looked moments before he heard about the discovery of the nation’s first intact Viking burial.

The previously undisturbed grave at Ardlawurthat in the West Highlands – which excavators, inevitably, say is “high status” – contains such priceless artefacts as a manky clod of rusty soil which might once have been an axe head; two manky clods of rusty soil which, when put next to each other in a certain way, could conceivably resemble the rusty remains of a sword; and a bent, sharp bronze thing, which was reliably described as “incredibly beautiful”.

“Oo ahh, this burial moight well of ‘appened over 1,000 year ago,” explained Mr Robinson’s esteemed Time Team colleague, Dr Phil Harding. “Well, ‘less o’ course there be a load o’ Voykens secretly rampagin’ roun’ Scotland in a minibus. Where’s moy beer?”

Professor Mick Aston, however, was far more interested in Tony Robinson’s soiled undercrackers, which he unearthed whilst excavating the contents of an early 21st-century laundry basket. “If yow look carefully at the elastic there are clear soyns of stretching, which soogests that whoever last wore thayse oonderpants moost have been in quoite a hoory to remowve them,” he enthused, his hair waving in excitement. “What moyt thayse stoyns on the froont bay? Oy can’t woyt to hear the lab report, Tonay.”

World War One ‘A Fairly Terrible Time To Be A Horsey,’ Acknowledges Army Museum

A new exhibition at the National Army Museum is to formally acknowledge the less than respectful treatment often meted out to poor little ponies and horsies by nasty rough soldiers in World War One, finally highlighting one of the most calamitous events in equine history.

"Tragically, little material survives about the horses that did the pulling and the carrying,” curator Pip Dodd said, as staff dumped dozens of now-irrelevant human soldier mannequins into a skip. “We’ve turned the archives upside down, and it seems that not a single diary or poem written by a horse survives. Yet there’s tons of stuff written by the bastards who callously ordered their mass sacrifice in futile steeplechases across No Horse’s Land, fired literally millions of them into the German trenches and sent them to their deaths as ‘Fokker fodder fodder’ in the skies above France. And they didn’t even give them parachutes. Make no mistake: this was a horsey holocaust.”

Pull your own water, you bastards

Unlike their human masters, the equine conscripts were not even granted the luxury of a tot of rum before being sent into the killing fields between the lines.

“The soldiers knew perfectly well that there wasn’t a single blade of grass to eat in those fields, yet those brave horses never shirked their duty,” pointed out author Michael Morpurgo - whose moving story, ‘Giddy Up, War Horsey’, which finally brought the equine involvement in the Great War to the world’s attention, is being filmed by Steven Spielberg as ‘Oh, What A Lovely Horse’. "And, far from returning to A Land Fit For Horses, all the shell-shocked survivors found waiting for them back in Blighty was the same dead-end work in the glue and Kennomeat factories."

The shocking exhibition also reveals for the first time that, when the Light Brigade charged to their deaths during the Crimean War, they cruelly forced their horses to accompany them.

Americans Still Not Entirely Clear On Definition Of ‘Insanely Dangerous’

Preserving aviation heritage, USA-style

As three Americans paid the ultimate price - with scores more suffering injuries - for standing under irreplaceable 70-year-old aircraft and watching highly-experienced idiots slam the throttles of their vintage engines into the red and cheerfully haul their fragile historic artifacts into maximum-G turns, a shocked America is asking itself whether its current definition of ‘insanely dangerous’ might possibly need some revision.

“In the field of aviation history, there are two prevailing schools of thought,” explained Wing Commander James Bigglesworth of the RAF Museum, Hendon. “One holds that, with the exception of careful demonstration flights by lavishly-maintained examples of the more common types, these priceless relics of the epic struggle against Nazism and unprovoked aggression should be preserved in climate-controlled buildings for future generations to appreciate and understand. And the other says let’s thrash these fuckers until they break.”

“For the non-technically minded, imagine that you are fascinated by the 18th century tableware of Josiah Wedgewood,” he explained helpfully. “You are accustomed to seeing delicate examples of china being kept safely in glass display cabinets, but then you go to Reno Museum and are horrified to see its exquisite Wedgewood collection being employed in a reckless attempt to smash the world record for simultaneous plate-spinning.”

“Hell, shit happens,” commented a spokesman, on this black day for the US warbird-wrecking industry. “But what the heck, we still got 203 Mustangs to play with.”

Jackie Kennedy: Martin Luther King Jr. A ‘Horrid Little Man’

The exquisitely gorgeous observations of the ineffable Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Oclotheshorse have finally been revealed to an adoring world, affording dowdy little people in off-the-peg tat a rare glimpse into the searingly perceptive mind of the best-dressed wife of somebody important ever to have graced the earth.

You can never hope to look this good

Jackie on Indian premier Indira Gandhi: “I suppose one might charitably begrudge her the tiniest semblance of chic in the choice of dishcloths she affects to wear, given that there probably isn’t enough money in her awful, smelly country to afford even the simplest Dior accessory; but why, why, why must she be so tiresomely middle-aged?”

Jackie on French president Charles de Gaulle: “His supercilious efforts to belittle me with snide compliments in his schoolboy French were, needless to say, no match for a Vassar alumna of my calibre. Quick as you please, I crushed him with a rapier-sharp haw-hee-haw.”

Jackie on Sir Winston Churchill: “Oh my, how he stank of wee.”

Jackie on President Lyndon B. Johnson: “A ghastly, unsophisticated oik from somewhere utterly unfashionable, compounded by the most dreadful potty mouth and an appalling taste in hats.”

Jackie on Martin Luther King Jr.: “A perfectly horrid little man, insulting the sacred memory of my darling Jack by presuming to turn up at the funeral with a skin like that. And a rapist too, no doubt; well, they all are, aren’t they?”

History Officially Ends With Last Space Shuttle Launch

Tell your grandchildren to watch out for this bugger

8,000 years of human civilisation officially ended today at 0856 Eastern Daylight Time, with the final launch of Endeavour - the last remaining space shuttle in operation – from Cape Kennedy Space Center.

“Well, guys, I guess that’s end of the line for the human race,” announced NASA mission director Randy Von Braun as Endeavour separated from its rocket booster. “It’s all downhill from here.”

With the end of the space shuttle program the only way for astronauts to reach the International Space Station will be old-fashioned rockets, although the European Sapce Agency is working on a manned version of its space truck – thought to be an old Ford Transit, although Britain is keen to promote its own Commer Van – as soon as it can figure out how to get the brakes to work at 25,000mph.

Futurologists awaiting their P45s say that global warming is already becoming less of a worry for people, although they fear a mini Ice Age will occur in about 700 years. Before that, however, they warn that the Earth will be plunged into two horrific world wars in the next century - the first beginning with two nuclear strikes on Japan, and the second ending only when the heir to the four-year-old Austro-Hungarian Empire is assassinated.

There is some good news to come from the reversal of history, though. Mobile phones will become less and less irritating until they finally fall out of use altogether in around 25 years’ time, when nobody will be able to imagine how such a gadget could be ever made small enough to fit inside a briefcase.

Bin Laden Felled By ‘Enery’s ‘Ammer

Evil genius Osama Bin Laden was taken down by the famous left hook of British boxing legend Henry Cooper in a precision assault planned by top military expert Richard Holmes and co-ordinated by whispering snooker commentator Ted Lowe, it emerged today.

Prof Holmes first applied his encyclopaedic knowledge of military campaigns to the mystery of Bin laden’s whereabouts, deploying foraging Pakistanis ahead of his main force in an ingenious adaptation of 19th century US cavalry tactics. Once his native scouts tracked down the terrorist mastermind, the Sandhurst and Cranfield lecturer deployed snooker’s ‘Whispering Ted’ to a forward observation post to quietly radio back Bin Laden’s movements.

'For those who see things in black and white, everything's gone green'

The moment Bin Laden stepped out of the house to hang out the washing, Prof Holmes gave the order for ‘our ‘Enery’ to be airdropped directly onto the specified co-ordinates, delivering a flurry of blows to the bearded criminal mastermind head and upper body. In desperation the Saudi-born villain hurled his dialysis machine at the gentleman of the ring, but the shrewd historian saw the opportunity to deploy ‘‘Enery’s ‘ammer’ with killing force while Bin Laden was off-balance, knocking the frail al-Qaeda leader’s battered head clean off his scrawny pencil neck.

“As students of Operation Fortitude - the allied plan to deceive Hitler into thinking that the D-Day landings would take place in the Pas de Calais area - will know, disinformation is an invaluable tool in times of war,” a dusty but elated Professor Holmes told reporters. “Carefully-timed news announcements of our supposed deaths led Obama to the fatally flawed conclusion that the deadly combination of my generalship, Ted’s finely-honed observational skills and Henry Cooper’s jackhammer left hook were no longer a viable threat. He lowered his guard, we struck and the forces of evil were defeated at minimal cost to allied lives.”

“”Students of military history will be scrutinising this victory for years to come,” he concluded, “As I plan to include it in Module 203: ‘From Troy To Terrorist: The Great Deception Strategies’ - coming soon to BBC4.”

President Kennedy Sends Advisors Into Vietnam To Help With Paperwork

Part 1 of a new series of occasional visits to the vaults of the Nev Filter

President Kennedy today promised Congress that the insertion of a small team of US Army logistical advisors - whose sole task will be to help South Vietnamese quartermasters to reduce an ever-growing mountain of unfiled paperwork - will undoubtedly bring about a swift end to the conflict in SE Asia and hasten the speedy fall of Communism.

“Have you any idea how many requisition forms must be filled out before a Vietnamese soldier can replace his water bottle?” he warned. “All in triplicate, and there’s a chronic shortage of carbon paper.”

President Kennedy reassured concerned Congressmen that the handful of US Army officers who would go in on the ground would absolutely avoid taking an active role in anything remotely resembling a conflict situation.

“Today I make this solemn pledge to the American people,” he vowed. “The moment some Saigon storesman raises his voice to disagree with one of our peace-loving trained killers, we will send in a Huey under heavily-armed escort to airlift him out of that hostile environment, napalming everything in a two-mile radius to ensure that peace is maintained at all costs.”

“I promise you, America, it will all be over by Christmas,” insisted Mr Kennedy.

Japanese Ambassador Now Demanding Apology For 31 Episodes Of ‘Tenko’

Following the BBC’s craven apology for mentioning the war, Japanese Ambassador Keiichi Hayashi has issued the perpertually penitent broadcaster with a slew of demands for grovelling acts of contrition for 31 inflammatory instances of internment-camp drama ‘Tenko’ broadcast in the 80s, 109 deeply-insulting airings of ‘Tora, Tora, Tora!’, 157 unpardonable showings of ‘From Here To Eternity’, 26 cynical counts of ‘Empire Of The Sun’ and an embarrassing one-off screening of ‘Merry Christmas, Mr Lawrence’.

To propitiate the hurt feelings of the Japanese people, all of whom watch QI in solemn contemplation every week, BBC bosses have promised to push the notorious racist, Stephen Fry, into a cramped, airless box for a week to atone for his bigoted slur that double A-bomb survivor Yamamoto Tamagotchi was “either the unluckiest man alive, or the luckiest, depending on how you look at it”.

However, this is not enough for Mr Hayashi, who claims that the BBC has for decades been implementing a cynical policy of lying repeatedly to the world about Japan’s unfortunate involvement in World War II.

Here's what started it

“Every Japanese schoolchild is taught the truth about the West’s attempt to subjugate our traditionally peace-loving country,” he screamed to hastily-assembled ranks of sweating BBC producers. “Namely, that the US forces - led by a sex-crazed Burt Reynolds - callously and without provocation opened fire on the 353 aircraft of the Imperial Japanese Navy’s aerobatics team during their dazzling display at the 1941 Pearl Harbor Air Show, the ensuing explosions shaking loose their dummy bombs and torpedoes. Insane with bloodlust, however, many frenzied US gunners accidentally dropped anti-aircraft shells onto the decks of their own ships, causing superficial damage which the cynical warmonger Franklin D. Roosevelt secretly manipulated using an early, analogue version of Photoshop to inflame world opinion against our peace-loving nation.”

“Japan’s naturalist expeditions, boating enthusiasts and sun-seeking holidaymakers struggled for four miserable years to make their way home safely from all over the Far East,” he shouted, as he brandished the traditional ceremonial sword of admonition at neck height. “Meanwhile, ungrateful white imperialist squatters were occupying Hirry Hitin’s many popular holiday camps all over the Pacific, selfishly making their lives intolerable for their unfortunate Khakicoat hosts.”

The Chinese Ambassador then rang the doorbell and politely asked his Japanese counterpart if, since apologies seemed to be on the agenda, he wouldn’t mind asking his government to apologise for murdering half the population of Nanjing in 1937 – an incident which the Japanese authorities have for years stoutly maintained was caused by an atrocious lack of hygiene in a takeaway restaurant.

BBC Director-General Mark Thompson eagerly stepped forward, however, and volunteered to take the blame for that as well.

‘What Reputation?’ UN Asks Clegg

Baffled UN delegates have been scratching their heads since Nick Clegg’s maiden speech to the General Assembly, wondering what kind of fantastic global reputation he thinks Britain ever had.

“Your Mr Clegg told us that Britain must restore its world reputation,” said a puzzled member of the Indian delegation. “But then he went on to give us some guff about tolerance, fairness and equality. That’s hardly a Britain our great-grandfathers would recognise. Their recollection is of a bunch of overdressed foreigners spinning us some yarn about offering us the protection of their army, robbing us of our wealth in return for a load of shoddy mass-produced trousers, then whisking millions of Indian soldiers off to the four corners of the world to fight for Britain's interests in two world wars.”

Ah... happy days

Mr Clegg was unavailable for comment as debate raged about whether he was referring to Britain’s heyday as the heart of an industrial revolution that shackled the poor to soulless production lines for the personal enrichment of the factory owners, or its salad days as the beneficiary of a vast asset-stripping empire that made a few rich people even richer and left Britain with a legacy of inspiring civic architecture which is now being enthusiastically ripped down to make way for uniformly tawdry shopping malls with a 20-year lifespan.

Reader Offer: Tour Poland With That Well-Known Historian of Conviction, David Ihrwung!

As autumn segues gently into a communist-inspired winter of discontent, why not follow in the bootsteps of millions of happy Germans and march east, for a nostalgic tour of Poland’s leading wartime tourism sites – with expert guidance from historian David Ihrwung?

Tour itinerary:

Day 1: Tour the remains of the historic Warsaw Ghetto, a vibrant community created by public-spirited Jews in an effort to address Gentile neighbours’ concerns about the stench by sectioning off a quarter in the city for their own exclusive use.

Hide-and-seek - the Warsaw Ghetto held the world record

David Ihrwung says: “Jews are great social animals, so what better way to mix and catch up with the latest news and gossip than to have your friends and neighbours actually move in with you? In the Ghetto, as many as 12 happy Jews would regularly share a single room, liberated from the tiresome customs the goys inflicted upon them, like washing and cleaning. Here in the Ghetto they were free, for example, to erect their traditional mounds of rotting foreskins on every street corner, as required by their primitive, fetishistic religion. The Ghetto had its heyday in 1943, after which increasing numbers of residents took advantage of Germany’s newly-built chain of ‘Hitlins’ camps.”

Day 2: Visit a typical ‘Hitlins’ holiday camp at Treblinka. Millions of Jews flocked from all over Europe to stay at one of Billy Hitlin’s many fun-filled holiday centres. Travel by well-ventilated rolling stock right into Hitlins Treblinka, where you’ll see where some of the picturesque communal huts used to stand, ringing with the laughter and singing of their carefree occupants. Don’t miss the neighbouring activity centre, where holidaying Jews and their children engaged side-by-side in healthy, enjoyable pastimes such as excavating gravel, sorting clothes and digging some of the world’s biggest irrigation ditches.

Don't miss the scenic stepping-stone trail

David Ihrwung says: “Jews enjoyed their stay at Hitlins Treblinka so much, they never went anywhere else afterwards. It really was ‘the ultimate destination’!”

Day 3: A trip to the very heart of philanthropist Billy Hitlin’s organisation – The Wolf’s Lair! Gaily donning the costume of the lovable Hitlins mascot, Willy Wolf, David Ihrwung will show you where all of the big decisions were made, including the organisation’s glorious launch of popular franchises in France, the Low Countries, Denmark and Norway before its expansion eastwards. Every visitor will be encouraged to dress up in authentic period costume and imagine how they, too, might have tackled Billy Hitlin’s sinister former business partner, Uncle Joe, after he treacherously mounted a hostile takeover bid which, sadly, brought Hitlins holiday dreams to an untimely end.

You'll feel like dear old Billy Hitlin never left!

Willy Wolf says: “Hi gang! Welcome to Billy Hitlin's head office, set in a luxuriant forest playground! Who’s for a thrilling game of pass-the-parcel with Stauffenberg, the hilarious one-armed clown? It’s a BLAST!”

Day 4: Foodies will love a trip to Hitlins Auschwitz, another once-bustling holiday centre which, in its heyday, was the home of Europe’s largest bakery. And why not take the opportunity to freshen up in the on-site showers, after a hard day’s travel?

Mm-mm! Cake, anyone?

David Ihrwung says: “Those ovens are so big, you could bake a Jew in them! Er… not that anyone ever would, of course.”

(SAFETY NOTE: Visitors are advised to wear hard hats when visiting the historic gates, as Polish scrap-metal archaeologists may be conducting renovation work in the area.)

Day 5 onwards: We return to Warsaw for an open-ended stay, with a visit to the city’s law courts. You will be able to observe – and perhaps even participate in! – an unmissable show trial re-enactment, in which Polish civil rights group Otwarta Rzeczpospolita tries to denounce Herr Ihrwung as a holiday denier. You may even be invited to stay with him in one of Poland’s most historic prisons!

David Ihrwung has already thrilled Austrians with his performance in court

David Ihrwung says: “Bugger. I had this problem in Austria, but it was all a long time ago.”

Battle Of Britain Distractions Wheeled Out Four Weeks Early

One of The Few, at least in Mr Cameron's head

The 70-year-old Battle of Britain was taken out of storage, dusted down and put on the news almost four weeks before the traditional date, in a well-meaning attempt to give the nation’s dispirited population a spurious cause for celebrating something they had nothing to do with.

“We appreciate that, for 69 years, the Battle of Britain has been commemorated on September 15th – Hitler’s vaunted Eagle Day – on which the RAF’s fighter squadrons successfully fought off the Luftwaffe’s strongest attack,” said Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg. “But if we wait that long, people will be rioting in the streets in protest against my friend David’s tough but necessary cuts. So we decided that since today marks the anniversary of Churchill standing up and pontificating about other people’s bravery, we might as well have it now - after all, politicians are far more important than servicemen’s lives.

“So we’ve lined up the usually doddery old codgers for the TV cameras to make the national breast swell with pride, etc and provide the necessary distraction from the sheer bloody awfulness of present-day reality.”

“Look, a Spitfire!” he added, pointing to the sky. “Doesn’t that make you proud to be British?”

Treasury officials are now feverishly flipping through books on the Second World War for a spread of handy victories from the past with which to distract the public through the forthcoming dismal year.

Cameron Urges Britons To Celebrate Heritage He Is Entirely Ignorant Of

The rugged English beauty of Fylingdales

Prime minister David Cameron closed the book on Labour’s discredited ‘Cool Britannia’ brand today, urging the people of Britain to celebrate a rich history which he knows jack shit about.

“We sell ourselves short by refusing to acknowledge the huge tourist potential of Britain’s glorious past,” exclaimed Mr Cameron. “There is, for example, a huge worldwide interest in the dark days of 1940, when the mighty 8th Air Force’s Flying Fortresses were all that stood between London and the Luftwaffe’s bombers.”

“And when we’re holidaying abroad, we really ought to engage servants in stirring conversations extolling the extraordinary virtues of our stately homes, like Graceland and the Palace of Versailles - many of which still bear scars from the Civil War, when they were besieged by the Japanese,” he continued, in a speech from the historic Cabinet War Rooms on the 17th floor of Canary Wharf’s One Canada Square.

“We also have the most wonderful areas of outstanding natural beauty to boast of, when we’re being arrested by a Spanish policeman for disorderly conduct,” he added. “How could Johnny Foreigner’s heart fail to stir at our famous Great Wall of China, built by the Emperor Rosko to keep the Picts out? Why shouldn’t our hearts fill with pride in the pure, unspoilt Fylingdales countryside? Or the lovely Windscale coast in Cumbria, where I have spent many an idyllic summer? And don’t forget to tell your pool cleaner that people still play on the very spot in Yeovil where St Francis of Assisi calmly finished his game of basketball before trouncing the Swiss Armada in 1888.”

BNP Leader Offers To Lend Cameron ‘Battle Of Britain’ DVD

BNP leader Nick Angriff has kindly volunteered to take his treasured DVD of the 1969 movie ‘The Battle of Britain’ round to Number 10 Downing Street this afternoon, following prime minister David Cameron’s colossal gaffe in which he spoke of Britain as the ‘”junior partner” in the dark days of 1940.

“I was going to have tea with the Queen at a garden party this afternoon,” smiled Mr Angriff, “But apparently there was some problem with not enough chairs or whatever. One of her footmen rang at the last minute, to ask if I wouldn’t mind awfully if she told me to take my bigoted, racist views and drown them in a bucket along with the rest of my toxic little band of Nazis. I understand this is the standard formal statement issued by the palace in such circumstances, and am more than happy to help my sovereign lady ruler out of an embarrassing spot.”

“As I seem to have a couple of hours free, I thought I could do my bit for my country by dropping off my treasured copy of the best film ever made for the prime minister’s benefit,” he went on. “He can watch it when he gets back from America, and I’d be delighted to pop round with a big bag of crisps and talk him through any bits that he might find hard to understand. After he’s washed his hands, obviously. I saw him on TV shaking hands with a nig-nog, and I don’t want black DNA on my favourite disc.”

Warming to his theme, Mr Angriff told reporters it could be a hard film to follow, with so many nationalities wheeling around in the skies shooting each other down.

“Basically, any plane with red, white and blue circles on it is absolutely 100% English, even that one with a little red-and-white checkered square on the nose,” he explained, “That’s just a reference to the famous brainless English pilot, Wing Commander Oswald Mosley DSO DFC, who was notoriously partial to a slice of Battenburg cake with his afternoon tea.”

“On the other hand,” continued Mr Angriff, his wonky eye swivelling wildly with enthusiasm, “Anything with black crosses on it will be full of Polish, Czech, French, Dutch, Belgian and Norwegian fanatics hell-bent on destroying everything we hold dear.”

“And a lot of them were darkies, too,” he added. “I think most of them were, actually, come to think of it. Apart from that pilot who casually lights up a fag after parachuting to safety. He’s got to be French. They all smoke like chimneys.”

Dunkirk Remembered - By The BNP

Today we remember those fateful far-off days, now 70 years ago, when the tattered remnants of the British National Expeditionary Force were completely surrounded by ghastly foreign bastards on a small beach on the wrong side of the White English Channel, and how their miraculous rescue by a flotilla of little shits has become the stuff of legend.

The precise reasons for the British National Expeditionary Force being in the land of wine-guzzling Johnny Frog need not concern us too deeply. Suffice it to say that Hitler had the right idea, but his fatal flaw was that he was a bloody foreigner. Thousands of patriotic white Englishmen – and let’s not forget that, despite what the revisionist mainstream parties would have you believe, our inclusive forces also featured many loyal Jocks, Micks and Taffies in minor non-combatant roles – had faithfully answered their country’s call to arms in its hour of need, to crush Hitler’s jackbooted Paki hordes which threatened to wipe out thousands of years of white civilisation. Predictably, after being let down by our so-called European ‘partners’, faithful Billy Atkins and his white comrades-in-arms were trapped with their backs to the sea, facing the most ignominious defeat in white history.

Fortunately, however, salvation was at hand. Back in dear old Blighty, BNP founder-member Winston Churchill – at that time sidelined by the homosexual Establishment and vilified in the communist-dominated press just for standing up and being proud to be British – realised that something had to be done to save the British National Expeditionary Force from a massacre. So he got on the blower and selflessly set about doing something for others - a trait unique, of course, to the morally-superior white race.

One of the many establishment-spread lies that still endures about Dunkirk is that there was no air cover. The long-suppressed truth is that, although the beleaguered heroes on the beach-head swore that the UK Air Party were giving them no support whatsoever, in fact the doughty moustachioed warriors of the skies were just out of sight, fighting a brave battle over Brussels. For example, heroic Brylcreem boy Nigel Farage fearlessly towed his wing commander’s pennant into the air against overwhelming odds, only to prang his iconic and 100% British-made Stuka on the shoreline - to cruelly misplaced jeers from the very lads he was trying to help!

Meanwhile, as our white boys took ineffectual pot-shots at the circling darky bombers threatening their traditional way of life, Winston’s plucky little shits were steaming valiantly to the rescue. Our brave lads scrambled furiously over the mole who leaked the membership list and clambered aboard the flimsy rescuing shits, which often came close to sinking. And it was with heavy heart that the last of the shits finally sailed over the horizon – tragically abandoning plucky young Lt. Nick Griffin, who was left behind after fighting a hopeless rearguard action, only to be completely overrun at the last minute.

And so our dauntless fighting boys returned empty-handed but unbowed to dear old Blighty, where they bravely kept up the unequal fight against the Paki menace with whatever they could improvise - such as hastily-manufactured shit-throwers made, with typical white ingenuity, entirely out of old t-shirts.

And so the British National Expeditionary Force passed into history. Let all patriotic white Englishmen stand together and say with pride that, at the going-down-the-pan of the Daily Mail, we will remember them.

Bruno Ganz Declares War On Internet

The world has today found itself plunged into bloody conflict, as the wrath of Bruno Ganz was brutally unleashed upon a defenceless internet.

Screaming his message of hate in German, the Swiss actor-turned-warmonger declared that he was "no longer prepared to endure this humiliation at the hands of every pissy little wankstain who's figured out how to add captions to video clips."

With the launch of yet another tiresome and predictable YouTube posting - in which, predictably, the tiresome actor appears to be ranting about the predictable shortcomings of the tiresome Apple iPad via a tiresome sequence of predictable subtitles - it is now estimated that there are now more mashups featuring Ganz than the total audience numbers for Downfall, the film about Hitler's final days in his Berlin bunker, from which the predictable scene has been tiresomely ripped.

All over the world, shocked fans of the clips are reeling before the actor's lightning assault.

"That Hitler guy just cracks me up every time," whimpered netfugee Dave Ork, a freelance website designer from Hoboken, N.J., pathetically clutching his only remaining possession, a hastily-ripped DVD+R of his favourite non-amusing bunker rants. "I so agree with everything he says. Like, why would anyone want to exterminate me?"