Bigots Place Trust In Courts, Not God

Magic Sky Pixie Issues, a pressure group dedicated to spreading their imaginary friend’s hatred of touching other men’s bottoms through the evangelical ministry of buses, is formally transferring its faith from God to the English legal system as it threatens to sue London mayor Boris Johnson for banning The Sermon On The 29A.

Christians need no further explanation

The group - which claims that homosexuals can be cured simply by spending the rest of their lives nodding intensely at the delusions of raving bigots - has chosen not to curse Mr Johnson with the traditional smiting of boils or plaguing of locusts, preferring instead to place its hopes in a letter from their learned friends, who are eagerly putting together an unarguable set of eye-watering fees.

“I didn’t realise I was living in a Stalinist police state,” ranted Mike Davidson, co-director and 50% of the membership of Magic Sky Pixie Issues, “Although I daresay the Magic Sky Pixie probably found a little corner of heaven for Stalin in the end - Hitler too, come to think of it - on account of their commendably Old Testament treatments for knob jockeys.”

“You see, there’s a little bit of the divine in everybody,” he smiled radiantly. “Not his cock, though. That would definitely be a sin.”

Phase 1 Of Boris' Vision Of London Rolled Out

Disturbingly Low Number Of Rioters Were Law-Abiding Citizens, Says London’s Top Policeman

Acting Commissioner Tim Godwin of the Metropolitan Police today added his voice to concerns expressed by Kenneth Clarke and Boris Johnson about the disturbing proportion of riot-related crimes which turned out to have been committed by criminals.

“I think this is a wake-up call for the criminal justice system,” Mr Godwin told reporters. “In the name of the law, how can it be that only one in five of these criminal acts was perpetrated by fine, morally-upstanding citizens of impeccable character with no previous convictions?”

Reoffend now, you feral hoodie ruffians

Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke has already gone on record to blame a “broken penal system” – not merely for flagrantly releasing convicted criminals from prison just because their sentences were served, but more fundamentally for commonly failing to execute them at the point of arrest. Boris Johnson swiftly agreed with him - adding that, based on his close observations from Canada, where he was on holiday at the time, he knew for certain that the initial police response to the riots had been flawless in every respect.

Giving his long-range evidence to the Home Affairs Select Committee, London’s clairvoyant mayor went on to say: “We need to ask as a society what is happening to these - these johnny-ne’er-do-wells after they have been jailed. How are we changing their lives so they don't come out again and go back to gangs, eh? Well, call me old-fashioned and what-have-you, but it seems to yours truly that only hanging has a ten-out-of-ten track record in this department, eh, chaps?”

“Or lobotomy!” he expostulated. “Might work. Keep the wet-blanket brigade happy. Why not give it a bash, eh, says old Boris!”

Boris Delighted With 245 Peaceful Arrests And A Peaceful Stabbing

The carnival is all about merry dances, like this one

London mayor Boris Johnson has praised the city and its denizens for showing the world the law-abiding, fun-loving side of the capital, as this year’s legendary Notting Hill Carnival ended with just 245 entirely peaceful arrests and only one non-fatal friendly stabbing.

“Cripes, I say, well done chaps!” spluttered Boris, tragically sporting a sequin-covered mankini. “The vibrant street-dancing of London’s dusky chaps and chapesses has completely restored the world’s confidence in our city as a veritable haven of peace and tranquility, as the 6,500 police officers who attended will readily confirm.”

“This sends out a clear message to the rioting yahoos of Tottenham, Croydon and what-have-you,” he declared proudly. “Namely - er - that if you’re planning to openly flout the law of the land, just make sure your ladyfriends are distracting the press johnnies by prancing down a nearby street with hardly any kit on.”

“Er – crikey - hold on a tick – er… whoops,” he added.

I’m Fine For TVs and Beer Thanks, Chaps, Says Boris

Chin up, chaps

Declining mounting calls to cut short his holiday and get back to the riot-torn city he governs, mayor Boris Johnson has sent a text message to Londoners in which he reassures them that, if it is all the same to them, he is adequately supplied with all the LCD television sets, laptops, trackies and booze he requires.

“Cripes, I say! Bit of a kerfuffle going on north of the river, judging from what I saw on BBC Worldwide this morning,” exclaimed the tousled Tory. “Jolly decent of you chaps to invite me to the jamboree, but, but here’s the thing, old Bojo’s not entirely what you’d call short of entertainments already. Friend Plod has my full support for it, er, whatever it is he’s doing about it. Carry on, there.”

Meanwhile, many of those who looted the Tottenham Hale branch of PC World in the small hours of Saturday morning have already returned to complain about the abundant shortcomings of the computers they stole, and promised themselves a raid on an Apple Store tonight instead.

Housing Charity Confirms Boris Johnson’s Fears of Impending Servant Shortage

The homelessness charity Shelter today confirmed that London mayor Boris Johnson was right to express his concern that the government’s proposed cap on housing benefits would price the servant class out of the city, saying that research by Cambridge University clearly indicated that the majority of two-bedroom homes in Greater London would be priced beyond the reach of claimants.

“Without a pool of available labour on hand in the capital, Mr Johnson and his fellow Tory millionaires will be forced to club together to pay the costs of bussing their cleaners, drivers, valets and chimney sweeps down from the North of England and back every day,” said chief executive Campbell Robb.

“Of course, the comparatively minor shared expense of a few dozen minibuses might not lose them a great deal of sleep,” he added, “But perhaps they should ask themselves if they really want to place their lives and fragile, priceless household knick-knacks in the hands of a group of incomprehensible Northerners, who will be in a permanent semi-torpid state due to the daily rigours of a ten-hour round trip.”

PM David Cameron, however, remains unmoved - suggesting that he and other Tory grandees would be well-placed to mount an inexpensive bid for the athletes’ village currently under construction in the East End, once the London Olympics were over.

Hot-bunking should fit up to twelve skivvies into each hutch, says Cameron

“Owing to their strange lack of ensuite kitchen facilities, these accommodations are completely unviable for commercial letting purposes,” he pointed out. “On the other hand, this omission makes them perfect – and, of course, reassuringly cheap - barracks accommodation for our army of skivvies.”

I Shall Call You Boris, Says Saviour of Mankind

London’s new Mayor, Boris Johnson, yesterday joined thousands of Christians at Millwall Stadium to pray for an end to crime and violence in the capital.

The event, part of the Global Day of Prayer, heard Mayor Boris sharing his vision for London and, in a moving speech, asking churches to join him in his mission to cut gun and knife crime.

In a surprise development, Mr Johnson returned to City Hall to find Jesus waiting for him in his office. Later, at a hastily-called press conference, London’s elected leader announced the recruitment of the Son of God to his team.

“Er, cripes, um, umm yes, quite, umm, big news,” declared Mr Johnson. “I was joining the God Squad - no offence - as part of you know, big crackdown on bashi-bazoukery on the streets er sort of thing totally unacceptable state of affairs altogether shocking beyond belief and er err I might have said ‘God help us all’ in the heat of the moment, carried away by the you know um anyway, anyway, get a grip Boris, get a grip, well er… and here He is! Crikey rather sudden still carpe diem Boris and all that, so great pleasure and joy unbounded etc. etc. Yes. Jesus - this fine chap here - is my Personal Saviour and Special Advisor on Crime Reduction. Ok, right, now sit down Boris.”

Stepping humbly up to the microphones of the world’s press, the Son of God announced measures were in hand to reduce binge-drinking by turning vodka mixers into water, bend knives into tiny ploughshares and drive the demon-possessed Dagenham Massive into the sea.

City Bosses Want Idiot Politician - No Change There Then

A survey of 100 City bosses suggests that 64% of them want Boris Johnson as the next Mayor of London – nearly three times the level of support enjoyed by Ken Livingstone, trailing at 24%.

At the same time, however, 63% said that the blond-haired Henley MP did not “seem serious” and 65% thought him “too much of a buffoon” – yet 55% think he would present a good image of London.

We asked our resident statistician to make sense of these apparently contradictory figures - but he just laughed, threw us a calculator and invited us to find the ‘accounting for human nature’ function. Reading between the lines, it seems that many of the best business brains in the world want an idiot running London.

Mr Johnson has come under attack over the weekend from the incumbent Mayor over his plans to reintroduce Routemaster buses and conductors. Mr Livingstone claimed the plans were wrongly costed, and would lead to a 15% fares increase, or £2 on a weekly pass.

Boris was unrepentant, however, and stoutly maintained that bendy buses were unmanouevrable, dangerous and, above all, unspeakably foreign. He said that once he had taken buses back to the 1950s, he would put steam engines and open carriages back on the Tube, replace the city’s taxis with horse-drawn hansom cabs, and tear down London’s bridges and bring back the traditional waterboatmen.
”Er, yes, quite,” said Mr Johnson. “Umm, steam engines and wagons and smoke and all that – pooh, crikey! Terrific stench, soot everywhere - peak-time congestion down, though, er probably. Of course! Er… right…er… where was I? That’s it, waterboatmen, yes, that’s the stuff! Rowing, that’s the chap, no pollution to speak of at all, you see? Jolly hard work, too - get some of these layabouts back to work - chop, chop, no standing about there! Horse-drawn cabs, indeed, very good for the environment, all that nonsense, votes in it though - also job creation, all that you-know-what, horsey stuff, draw a discreet veil over the details, needs to be swept up post haste, and very good for the roses too, say I. So… crumbs… er… yes! Vote Conservative! Carry on.”

And we hope to bring you a translation of Mr Johnson’s speech in plain English in tomorrow's bulletin.