British Public Still Failing To Grasp Key Feature Of Hereditary Monarchy

Britain’s commoners have yet to comprehend that a head of state who is appointed by popular choice is technically a president, it was revealed today.

Where were you, Wills, you traitor?

A new poll of the Queen’s humble servants indicates that, having seen him being nice to his mummy on the box last week, they would quite like Prince Charles to have a go at ruling them one day after all.

“I swear to die a free subject rather than bend my knee to an elected head of state, because the stupid British public would vote for either David Cameron or Tony Blair - both of whom have shown themselves to be hopelessly out of touch with the great British public,” said a typical peasant, still draped patriotically in a damp, sweaty Union flag.

“Let’s stick with the hereditary system,” he urged joyless republicans, “Because that way we all get to cast our votes for that legendary man of the people, the Prince of Wales, who’ll get the job anyway on account of democratically dropping out of his mum’s fanny first. What could be fairer than that?”

“Unless he starts talking bollocks again,” he mused. “In which case, I’ll simply switch my vote to that legendary man of the people, the Duke of Cambridge, who’ll get the job eventually on account of democratically dropping out of his dad’s late wife’s fanny first. See? I win again.”

Arab Spring Enthusiasts Strangely Muted As Egyptians Vote For Fundamentalism Or Oppression

With most Egyptians voting for members of the Muslim Brotherhood or the oprressive government they overthrew in their democratic presidential election, the world eagerly awaits the thoughts of Facebook’s legion of pro-democracy campaigners on the matter.

Take your pick for the age of Aquarius

“The peaceful overthrow of the Mubarak regime, we were assured by hourly posts last year, heralded nothing less than the beginning of a new Aquarian age of unprecedented human advancement,” said Josh Geake, whose perception of everything that happens in the world is filtered through Facebook. “Now that Egypt is poised to wind the clock back either 50 years to authoritarian rule by the military or 1000 years to authoritarian rule by religious nutters, I have to say find myself in serious need of further enlightenment as to how this might usher in a new era of freedom for humanity.”

“I was led to believe that, once the people take control of their destiny, only groovy things can happen,” he frowned in bafflement. “I’m sure there’s a perfectly sensible explanation for what’s happened here, but frankly I’d much prefer hippies filling my Newsfeed with the stuff of dreams.”

Chimps And Humans Exhibit Similar Behaviour, Announce Researchers As Cameron Hurls Faeces At Rival

And there's plenty more where that came from

Anthropologists today unveiled conclusive proof that chimpanzees and humans share distinct personality traits - citing as evidence David Cameron’s classic exhibition of aggressive behaviour during Prime Minister’s Questions, in which the dominant male responded to a challenging display of Balls by screeching furiously and flinging handfuls of excrement across the floor of the House of Commons.

“This is a key part of the day-to-day ritual within the Westminster troupe,” whispered Sir David Attenborough, bravely squatting just inches from Mr Cameron, who hissed and bared his teeth threateningly but continued to forage for wine.

“Having no social status within the hierarchy of government, the tribal outcasts will, from time to time, openly flaunt their Balls at the leader just to provoke a reaction,” he continued sagely. “Most of the time he will ignore them as he goes about his routine, marking his territory and trying to pick fleas off his subordinates. However, his advances have recently been rejected by an older female, Angela, leaving him sexually frustrated and aggressive.”

“Oh, you dirty little monkey,” exclaimed the broadcasting legend indignantly, as a clearly aggravated Mr Cameron suddenly showered him with a barrage of shit.

British Weapons ‘Just The Thing’ To Speed Up Peaceful Transition To Democracy, Say Burma’s Generals

With sanctions against the military-backed Burmese government due to run out at the end of the month, British arms salesman David Cameron and his employers are in Rangoon today outlining the many delightful ways his hosts’ security forces could deploy top-quality British-made weaponry to ease their nation’s smooth transition to a fully democratic system of government.

Only FH70 offers multicoloured smoke as an option

“Look, you don’t want cheap Chinese rubbish,” insisted Mr Cameron greasily. “Their batons are notorious for breaking the first time you direct some ignorant peasant to the nearest polling booth.”

Mr Cameron also used his legendary charm to persuade the Burmese authorities that Britain’s firework launchers, whilst perhaps not quite as attractively-priced as French or American models, keep on deploying their pyrotechnic amusements long after their competitors have been returned to the depot for a re-bore.

The leading but shy British businessmen who are keeping Mr Cameron company on his statesmanlike Far Eastern beano insisted that each and every weapon sold to the Burmese government will be supplied with a really important sticker marked ‘CAUTION! May choke small Aung San Suu Kyi’ on the packaging.

World Promises To Get Round To Seeing One Of Havel’s Plays Soon

Communism simply had no answer to this

Following the death of former Czech dissident, playwright and finally president Vaclav Havel, the world faithfully promised it really ought to watch - or at least read – one or two of his legendary plays sometime in the near future.

“Vaclav Havel has truly been an inspiration to me,” said a man in a street today. “My daily life has been informed and enriched by his incredible works, such as the unforgettable… um… and the deeply moving… er…”

“Pennies From Heaven,” he added. “That was one of his, wasn’t it?”

West Strangely Reluctant To Offer Military Support To ‘Russian Winter’ Democracy Movement

And Russian protesters are much hotter than Arabs

Despite the tempting attractions of Russia’s vast oil and gas reserves, say military experts, the United States and Britain are yet to lead NATO forces into Russia in a lightning assault to topple evil dictator Vladimir Putin’s hated regime.

As the ‘Russian Winter’ movement gathered in strength, with thousands attending rallies in cities from Moscow to the Urals to protest against the rigging of last Sunday’s elections, many were wondering whether NATO will begin its inevitable pro-democracy intervention by implementing a simple no-fly zone, or just roll across Russia’s borders in an overwhelming display of military might.

“We planned for this happy day for 45 years of the goddamn Cold War,” said retired USAF defence strategist General Buck Turgidson. “I can only assume that, after 20 years of piss-ant pacifism from those appeasing bastards on Capitol Hill, some Pentagon asshole must have misfiled them.”

“Aw, what the hell,” he added. “Let’s just get those birds in the air and see what happens.”

Greeks To Be Asked If They Fancy Pay Cuts, Slashed Pensions And Mass Redundancies

The bankruptcy of the eurozone now looks certain, with the announcement that Greek PM George Papandreou plans to ask his people whether they like the sound of losing their public services, their pay, their pensions and their jobs.

A typical Greek floating voter wonders where to cast his vote

“What is fuss about, please? Typical Greek men in streets sure to be admirably sanguine about very important issue, and to put greater good of economic survival of European neighbours before own personal finances,” said a cheerful Mr Papandreou as hordes of furious rioters set about systematically burning Athens to the ground, in the traditional Greek way of voting.

Meanwhile, on the borders of Greece, a small army of worried eurocrats is frantically excavating a vast trench linking the Ionian and Aegean Seas, hoping to open the floodgates at each end and claim that Greece is not really a European country at all, but part and parcel of the Middle East.

Enraged Guardian-Reading Mob Decapitates Power-Mad Charles

Infuriated by an exclusive in today’s Guardian which told them that Prince Charles has secretly been running Britain according to his personal whim for the last five years, a baying mob of middle-class lefties stormed the gates of Clarence House, brusquely dragged the hapless heir out of his daily conference with the geraniums and hauled him in fetters to the Banqueting House in Whitehall - where, to rousing cheers, he was promptly beheaded by puritan Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger.

The psychic rose emperor never said anything about this

The republican proletariat had been stirred to fury by the shocking article, which revealed that the Duke of Cornwall, drunk on power, has been vigorously exercising his royal prerogative - enshrined in a loophole in English law – to veto any parliamentary legislation which might conceivably impinge on his divine right to sell cream of mushroom soup in Waitrose at £2.99.

As the grim moralist of Fleet Street raised his axe, the doomed royal touchingly uttered his last words: “Let not poor Millie run out of fags.”

“The tyrant is dead! Long live the republic!” piped up one raddled old crone (Polly Toynbee), the besandalled multitude taking up the clarion call as it marched on Westminster to bear the good news to Parliamentarian leader David Cameron along with some rather awesome organic hummus.

Libyan Rebels Say Just A Few More Bullets Will Make The Rain Fall

The sky surely can't take much more of this

The National Transition Council of Libyan rebel leaders claims its plans to restore vital water supplies to the people of Tripoli are close to fruition, with just a few thousand more rounds to be fired into the air before the sky is sufficiently intimidated to release its glorious revolutionary rain onto the city.

“Believe me, we have spent many months planning for Libya’s smooth transition from dictatorship to functioning democracy,” said Mahmoud Madman of the NTC. “Now all we have to do is train up some new doctors and nurses - which will be a lot quicker to accomplish once the few surviving patients do the decent thing, and stop wasting precious time and resources by selfishly clinging on to life - carry on shooting the water out of the clouds, then find the ‘off’ switch for the power station and blow it up, and everything will soon be back to normal. Do you like the suit, by the way? Gieves and Hawkes have done the democratic citizens of Libya a great service.”

“Meanwhile, we hope the West will continue to provide essential humanitarian aid to the people of Libya,” he added, “By blasting everything and everybody in Colonel Gaddafi’s home town of Sirte to dust.”

UN Urged To Act Against Hated Cameron Kleptocracy

With the kleptocratic British regime of David Cameron now threatening to cut off communications and deploy the army against its own civilians, the UN Security Council is to meet in emergency session later to discuss what action the international community should take against the isolated rogue state as it teeters on the brink of civil war.

Give him a good kick up the assets

“For years now, the downtrodden people of the United Kingdom have endured a permanent state of emergency, with the government cynically whipping up a state of fear against a constantly-touted threat which is, in reality, almost entirely fictitious,” observed former Cameron ally King Abdullah of Jordan, who is leading calls to topple the hated despot. “Now, when the voice of the people makes itself heard, Cameron falls back on the traditional tools of the tyrant – denying his people their freedom of speech, and threatening to send armed troops against unarmed civilians.”

“We implore the civilised nations of the world to boycott British goods until Cameron and his loot-laden government are toppled,” echoed King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. “As of today, for example, my government is cancelling all orders for British military hardware and will be buying US and French weapons instead.”

Bahrain’s King Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa, meanwhile, called on the UN Security Council to authorise the assembly of a coalition force to deny the British Army’s capacity to subjugate the cowering population, by targeting its depots and barracks with all-out strikes. Others, however, have counselled against precipitate bombing, preferring to wait and see if the rank-and-file troops will rise up against their privileged officer class and refuse to obey orders to assault the impoverished ghettoes from which so many of them are recruited.

The American UN delegate, however, commented: “WTF?”

AV Will Spice Up Your Sex Life A Treat, Promises Clegg

Dear God, no

After the Electoral Commission replied to complaints about lies told by Tory opponents of the Alternative Vote by pointing out that it has no authority over a referendum, the Liberal Democrats have retaliated by insisting that AV guarantees multiple screaming orgasms every night.

“We are empowered to investigate complaints about elections,” a spokesman for the Electoral Commission told senior Lib Dem MP Chris Huhne, who demanded legal action over spurious Tory claims that AV would cost taxpayers £250m. “A referendum might look like an election, it may run like an election and for all we care it can quack like an election. But it isn’t an election, is it? So fuck off.”

The Lib Dems have swiftly taken the commission’s decision onboard, wasting no time in devising a campaign to make the complete absence of oversight of the most critical challenge to British democracy in generations work to their advantage.

Entirely fictitious benefits also being dreamed up by AV supporters include a kilo of chocolate delivered through your letterbox every day for the rest of your life, everlasting peace on Earth and weekly vouchers for sex with the celebrity of your choice.

The No To AV group swiftly responded by making up baleful predictions that, if introduced, Nick Clegg would certainly declare himself dictator for life, ban sex altogether and force children up chimneys and down mines, before finally destroying the world by starting World War Three on Christmas Eve.

Saudi Forces Finally Find A Use For All The Arms We Sold Them

Once the ammo has been fired, an M1A1 can stow up to 1600kg of duty-free goods

As they pour into neighbouring Bahrain, the armed forces of Saudi Arabia report that they are eagerly looking forward to finally getting some use out of the massive stockpiles of hi-tech weaponry they have been buying from Britain and America for decades.

“Lately we’ve been trying them out on our own minorities, which is nice,” smiled one Saudi brigadier-general, “But you just don’t get the same kick out of it compared to the thrill of massacring unarmed foreigners.”

The only country in the world to be named after its owners sent the troops in after receiving a request from Bahrain’s Sunni-dominated government, when the latter realised they hadn’t bought nearly enough British and American killing machinery to exterminate their protesting Shia population.

Meanwhile, the Saudis continued to call for the West to enforce a no-fly zone in Libya.

“Ideally, of course, we’d do it ourselves with all the lovely Tornadoes that British Aerospace kindly sold us, after they’d given us a big enough bribe,” said King Abdullah’s fourth son’s second wife’s nephew twice removed, who is therefore the minister of something. “They’ll be retiring once we’ve uncrated the new Typhoons you’ve just sold us, and it would be nice to see them win their spurs before they’re scrapped.”

“The thing is, though, that Gaddafi is barmy enough to shoot back,” he added. “So it’s really much better that you shoulder the risk. Britain and America have a fine tradition of military funerals, you see, and we don’t.”

Western Fans Of Democracy Thrilled By Military Takeover Of Egypt

Democracy arrives at last in Egypt

Enthusiastic supporters of democracy throughout the Western world cheered in delight today, as hated dictator Hosni Mubarak prepared to formally hand over power to Egypt’s shadowy generals.

“The transfer of power from the most recent member of an uninterrupted line of former military officers to an unelected élite of serving military officers proves conclusively that the democratic will of the ordinary protester in the street has been heard at last,” said every starry-eyed idealist on Facebook. “From now until forever, everything in Egypt is going to be really, really lovely and nice. After all, what could possibly go wrong?”

Back in Britain, meanwhile, representatives of the Countryside Alliance - who organised a million-strong protest in London in favour of blood sports nine years ago - say they are eagerly waiting for an invitation from the Queen to form a government.

Japanese Minister Under Pressure To Resign For Telling The Truth About Lying

Nobody would have a problem if he'd just kept lying

Japan’s justice minister, Yanagida Minoru, is facing demands for his resignation today, after admitting to supporters in Hiroshima Prefecture that his job was easy and simply involved covering his complete ignorance of departmental issues with one of two stock fibs in parliament: “I won’t comment on individual cases” and “I’m acting in accordance with the law and the evidence.”

Opposition conservatives have reacted with fury to hearing the minister’s frank confession.

“We fully expect members of parliament to lie through their teeth and cover up a blissful ignorance of what goes on in their departments,” commented one former minister. “After all, we’re no experts. An election is a popularity contest, and has nothing to do with expertise, insight or understanding of what actually goes on. That is how representative democracy works. How dare Mr Yanagida drop the pretence?”

“Er… what I meant to say is that Yanagida Minoru has brought unforgivable shame upon himself and his party by his cynical attitude to important matters of state,” he added, under withering glares from parliamentary colleagues. “I'm afraid that whatever is the matter with him, it appears to be catching.”

Prime minister Kan Naoto later gave Mr Yanagida a severe warning, ordering him to remember the importance of maintaining a charade at all times, not just during parliamentary debates.

Freed Suu Kyi Makes Bee-Line For Nearest Estate Agent

An ideal place for holding parties in

The newly-released Burmese political activist Aung San Suu Kyi surprised pro-democracy campaigners by abruptly pushing through the cheering throng which had gathered outside the house on the shores of Rangoon’s Inya Lake, where she has spent 15 of the last 21 years under house arrest, hailing a passing taxi and speeding off to the nearest estate agent.

“We are pleased to offer a highly desirable lakeside property, just arrived on the market, at a very reasonable price,” smiled estate agent Khin Myat. “It has a variety of unusual features which may appeal in particular to the security-conscious family, such as CCTV cameras in every room and a well-furnished playroom for government soldiers. The owner is hoping for a quick sale, preferably today.”

“I am not at liberty to give a guide price,” he explained regretfully, “Since, like the rest of my people, I’m not at liberty to do anything without the military government’s permission.”

Cameron Explains Principles Of Western Democracy To China

Prime minister David Cameron has urged China to embrace democracy, pointing out that as long as all parties draw their MPs exclusively from a small, self-perpetuating oligarchy who do whatever big business tells them in return for lucrative directorships, the same elite can remain in power indefinitely while the populace fondly cherish the fantasy that they have some sort of say in how their lives will be ordained.

Just think of it as a waste paper basket for people's dreams

“Look, democracy is just a fetish that people in the west worship above all else, without really understanding it,” he told China’s rulers. “It’s like God used to be, or communism to your people. Just split yourselves into a couple of factions – how you do it doesn’t really matter, because words like ‘labour’, ‘liberal’, ‘conservative’ and ‘democrat’ have long since lost all meaning – and let each group present its arguments as the only sensible way whilst heaping scorn on the other parties’ versions of the same arguments. Nothing will change at the top, I assure you; but the little people in the west will feel so much happier buying your junk if they think Johnny Chinaman has the same illusory choices that they do.”

“And if some artist moans about human rights, well, let him,” Mr Cameron continued. “Nobody will pay the slightest attention to him. Despite all the rights my people have lost over the last 20 years, do you see any signs of bloody revolution in the UK? Just tell your people that bad men want to hurt them, and trust me - they’ll be queueing up to put their rights on a bonfire and dance round it, thanking you for their security.”

Lib Dems Running About Starkers

Police were combing Britain today for streakers, after prime minister David Cameron whipped away the Lib Dems’ remaining fig leaf by announcing that he – and therefore all the other Tory MPs - would be voting against democratic reforms when the bill came up in the House of Commons.

Shortly after the announcement, a bollock-naked Deputy PM Nick Clegg was booted out of 10 Downing Street, clutching his goolies as he shuffled away.

Police switchboards in Lib Dem constituencies swiftly became jammed, as outraged members of the public phoned in sightings of their MPs disporting themselves in the altogether, without a stitch of credibility.

“These Lib Dem flashers cavorted brazenly as their policies were whipped off, one by one, by the leering Conservatives,” said a shocked onlooker. “And Vince Cable in the buff is not a sight for the faint-hearted, I can tell you.”

“Although we were a bit bashful at first, after one or two of our policies were removed we soon took to it, because the feeling of power was quite sexy,” admitted one Lib Dem nudist, under cover of anonymity (except to anyone who might recognise the mole on his scrotum). “And after a while we got quite accustomed to the liberating feeling of fresh air blowing through the empty covers of our manifesto. But we caught a bit of a chill in our privates when Mr Cameron asked every department to outline 40% cuts – and now that he’s ensured that our dreams of proportional representation will come to nothing, we’re left standing here with our limp dicks on display for all to see. It’s embarrassing, frankly, and I feel dirty and used.”

Mr Cameron was unrepentant, however, telling reporters that the Lib Dems would come crawling back for one public shafting after another “because they love it really.”

Incomprehensible Torrent of Raw Binary Ushers In New Era Of Open Gvernment

Britain awoke this morning to a new era of open government, with the publication of 840 trillion teraquads of utterly indecipherable data by the Treasury.

The mass of apparently unrelated bytes is thought to be in a modified Excel format, but one which can apparently support pages of such size and number that, if printed out, they would occupy a physical space slightly larger than the known universe. Calculator experts also pointed out that, whereas typical Excel spreadsheets occupy three dimensions, the Treasury appears to have discovered a way to extend fields into several thousand entirely new dimensions hitherto known only to habitual drug users and Professor Stephen Hawking.

Freedom of information campaigners hailed the release of the meaningless bitstorm as a new day for democracy, adding that they hoped to ask the Met Office very nicely if they could perhaps borrow its supercomputer for the next century or so.

Doubts Raised Over Government’s Unnatural Plan To Create World’s First Deliberately-Conjoined Twins

There is growing unease in parliament over the new coalition government’s monstrous plan to permanently conjoin the mad Dr David Frankameron and his slow-witted assistant Igor Clegg for five years, creating the world’s first artificial Siamese twins.

“What will happen if one half of the hideous thing decides it wants to do something its twin doesn’t like?” demanded a horrified Lord Polidonis, addressing a shouting rabble of terrified bumpkins in the Westminster village inn. “The stronger half will always be able to impose his will upon the weaker - and no matter how hard Igor struggles, he won’t be able to break free. Even if he died, his lifeless corpse would still be dragged around by Dr Frankameron until this ghastly, unnatural experiment is over.”

The evil government is nevertheless determined to go ahead with its insane plan to force the scrawny Lib Dem body to remain attached to the stronger Conservatives for the entire test period, unless 55% of the horrified villagers rise up and besiege the castle with a vote of no confidence.

“I really don’t see what all the fuss is about,” raged the crazed Dr Frankameron, desperately preparing himself for surgery as the storm clouds gathered overhead. “Fusing myself to my shambling idiot assistant is the most pressing issue facing Britain today. How can we ever hope to lead Britain into a new golden age, if we are constantly toiling under the ever-present threat of being forced by these uncomprehending yokels to flee whenever we do anything that Igor’s big toe doesn’t happen to agree with?”

“Oh! You are so evil, master,” cackled an admiring Igor, as his master strapped him to a bloodstained table.

End This Failed Democratic Experiment, Urge Top Civil Servants

The way Britain is governed has gone seriously wrong and is in urgent need of reform, according to a group of former Whitehall mandarins.

The 'Bugger Government' Initiative points the finger of blame for ill thought-out legislation squarely at ministers, whom it says are untrained and move on too swiftly to ever get to grips with the complexities of their departments.

"These bloody clowns come and go with the tides," claims the report, whose authors include the former Iraq inquiry chairman Lord Butler, current Iraq inquiry chairman Sir John Chilcot and MPs' expenses auditor Sir Thomas Legg. "They are hideously unqualified to run their departments, and just when you think you've finally got the silly sods housetrained, they go and balls it up by listening to public opinion. Next thing you know, there's been another damn fool election - and in through the revolving door comes another grinning chimp. Where's the continuity? It's madness."

Prime Minister Gordon Brown - who, incidentally, has proved the report's point by his exemplary handling of the economy through ten uninterrupted years as Chancellor of the Exchequer - is studying the report with interest.

"If truth be told, I've never been a great fan of representative democracy," he told reporters, as he was being fitted for a purple toga in Number Ten. "I've barely been prime minister for two years, and in a couple of months some grinning twerp is going to waltz in here and wreck the fruits of all my hard work before I've really even got started. Perhaps it's not too late to wallop a quick bit of legislation through under the Parliament Act, abolishing all this voting malarkey. Then I can hand-pick the most gifted geniuses from the City meritocracy and get the country well and truly back on its feet."