Heartwarming Royal Movies Show Queen Not Wearing Crown In Spare Time

Mrs W was always joking with chums about cheese rationing

In astonishing home-movie footage to be presented by Prince Charles this evening, his mother’s grovelling subjects will learn that – just like every humble commoner – the Queen generally prefers not to wear a crown on her days off.

The doting public will be delighted to see, for the first time, their unpretentiously egalitarian monarch doing all the mundane things every ordinary 50s wife and mum used to do – lifting her feet obligingly whilst the servants hand-wash the Axminster, filming in the palace gardens with an industry-standard movie camera, and indulgently asking her children: “Who are you?” and “Have you come far?”

In a particularly touching highlight of the priceless archive which reveals just how much times have changed during Her Majesty’s 60-year reign, loyal serfs will be deeply moved to see the young Queen laughing as she pushes Prince Charles out of the frame.

First World Holds Breath Over Dreadful Hobbit Threat

How can a loving creator sit idly by and let such things happen?

The first world’s attention remains totally focused on the desperate humanitarian struggle for the name of a pub in Southampton today as - following a heartfelt plea for sanity and compassion to prevail, from a man who asks pointless questions for a living - a man who dresses up for a living became the latest statesmanlike figure to step forward and attempt to solve the greatest first world problem in history.

The man who dresses up is already acquainted with the man who asks questions, as both of them are involved in telling a story with moving pictures. Both men promised an anxious first world that, the moment they have finished their storytelling, they will definitely undertake a fact-finding mission to Southampton and experience at first hand a pint of warm, watery beer at the critically-endangered pub.

Joey The Horse Cited In Brand-Perry Divorce Papers, Found Stoned On Hollywood Boulevard, Makes Anti-Semitic Remarks To Arresting Officer, Hopes To Branch Into Directing

It's the same, sorry tale of Hollywood excess

Looking dishevelled and ungroomed, ‘War Horse’ top movie star Joey the Horse held a press conference today to apologise for the bizarre outburst he whinnied angrily at a police officer who arrested him yesterday - for staggering down Hollywood Boulevard, high as a kite on sugar lumps - in which he claimed that the Jews were responsible for all war films.

“I have been under terrific strain lately,” Joey neighed to Tinseltown hacks. “I’ve been cited as a co-respondent in the Russell Brand and Katy Perry divorce – I’m not at liberty to say who with – and I confess that I have fallen victim to a terrible addiction to nosebag candy.”

Joey added that, after detoxing at the Vetty Ford Clinic, he hopes to get behind the cameras to direct ‘Race Boy’, a moving tale of a magnificent chestnut farmer who is cruelly drafted into an inequine steeplechase run by criminally incompetent donkeys.

“Of course, the scenes of slaughter where thousands and thousands of brave but uncomprehending humans are callously ordered over the top of the hurdles by their asinine generals will be harrowing to watch,” promised Joey, “But that’s not really at the heart of the film. In fact, it’s not important at all. What matters is that, against 100-1 odds, the plucky farmer wins the race - only to face the knacker’s yard afterwards.”

James Cameron Snaps Up Costa Concordia Movie Rights

Tragically, the menu featured quite a lot of pasta

Leading Hollywood director James Cameron has already made a preliminary swim around the wreck of the ill-fated Costa Concordia cruise liner, trying to picture in his mind’s eye the most dramatic way to frame doomed passengers tumbling down the sides of the awful monument to man’s hubris, after buying up the exclusive film rights to the terrible maritime disaster.

The cinematic visionary has already filmed Kate Winslet standing like a living figurehead at the prow of the enormous vessel, and is currently tying weights to Leonardo diCaprio.

“I’d like to thank the passengers who have died or are still missing for inspiring me to make a stack of bucks out of their unimaginable suffering,” he told admiring reporters, as he ordered Mexico to build him a full-sized replica of the floating behemoth as it would have appeared in its heyday, i.e. Thursday evening.

Cameron Finds Last Thing Britain Does Well, Unveils Plan To Ruin It

After an exhaustive search, prime minister David Cameron has finally identified the only thing Britain is still any good at, and announced government plans to fuck it up beyond all recognition.

Speaking at Pinewood Studios, the incensed PM told reporters: “Do you realise that, every single day, irresponsible bastards are blowing taxpayers’ hard-earned cash on making thought-provoking films of quality and depth for that tiny minority who can still think? What a pointless waste. We need to be giving that money to the Hollywood studios who deign to make their mass-market blockbusters here instead because, my goodness, all those big explosions don’t come cheap.”

This, but in colour, is all the gritty realism you need

“I was particularly incensed to think that the Film Council might have thrown your money at that ‘Four Lions’ rubbish, an offensive piece of blatant al-Qaeda propaganda which glorifies terrorism,” raged Mr Cameron. “It didn’t, as it happens - but that’s not the point. It might have, if it felt like it.”

“And, with the government as executive producer leaning over his shoulder, there’s no reason why Mike Leigh can’t apply his talents to a big-budget gorefest remake of Fiend Without A Face, in which the brains and spinal columns are ripped out of manky Northerners by a mad scientist’s experiments, leaving them to flop down contentedly in front of Coronation Street for the rest of their lives,” he added. “That’s the sort of cinematic inspiration you crave, isn’t it?”

Seeing A Cigarette Gives You Cancer, Scowl Experts

Sir John Mills spent his life trying to murder your kids

The merest sight of a cigarette in a movie is all it takes to give teenagers horrid cancery death, according to new research imagined by professional scolds at Bristol University.

“We asked millions of teens in the Bristol area if they had ever seen some evil, twisted bastard like Sir John Mills, Lord Attenborough or Cary Grant blatantly smoking on film, and they went into spluttering convulsions - which can only indicate the final, agonising stages of horrid cancery death,” frowned lead harridan Dr Mildred Strangelove. “Apart, that is, from one healthy young lady whose parents belong to an obscurely medieval religious sect which forbids all forms of entertainment. She asked Jesus to have mercy on our corrupt souls before her Godfearing father locked her in the cellar for a month for the sin of speaking to the damned. But she’ll live to a hundred, thanks to her family’s admirable moral strictures.”

“The government must immediately put an 18 rating on any film found to contain gratuitous smoking,” she hissed. “And the same goes for any so-called ‘entertainment’ involving fat people or visually-fatal foods, i.e. everything except salad or bran.”

Fry’s Harry Potter Leak Threatens Entire World, Insist Producers

Producers fear they will now have to scrap this set, or the movie magic will be lost forever

Film producers have warned that the safety of the world may now be under threat following the posting of a few snapshots of the Harry Potter sets on Stephen Fry’s Twitter page.

“The magic has gone,” wailed Alan Smithee, the film’s 2nd horrified deputy executive assistant associate producer. “Now nearly two million people know that Hogwarts school is destroyed in the final battle between Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort, the secret is out and the on-screen magic will be permanently nullified.”

When Fry innocently pointed out that anyone who had read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows since its publication three years ago would already be well aware of the school’s destruction, Mr Smithee opened a bulging briefcase, letting the weighty tome fall with a thud onto his desk.

“Read that crap?” screamed Mr Smithee. “Who does this Fry guy think he’s kidding? Even the scriptwriters got bored and gave up after fifty pages.”

JK Rowling Threatens Daniel Radcliffe With Lifetime Of Playing Pubescent Magician

Scientists say Harry Potter will look like this by the time he enters the sixth form, in 2067 or thereabouts

The actor Daniel Radcliffe, 21, is being restrained by friends after hearing that squillionaire word assembler J.K. Rowling is now threatening to assemble yet more words into simple sentences and put them inside covers bearing the name ‘Harry Potter’ in big shiny print.

Ms Rowling issued her ugly threat to Oprah Winfrey in front of millions of viewers, easily pleasing legions of unimaginative semi-literates by confirming that she could actually remember the bland, two-dimensional clichés with whom she has filled four books and two doorstops.

Literature’s foremost word assembler reminisced that she had initially met with rejection after rejection from hoity-toity publishers who arrogantly clung to the elitist notion there might be more to the art of writing than simply adding one word to another until you run out of A4.

“But the ultimate proof that I am with no doubt the talentedest user of words ever what the world has ever knew,” she laughed, “Is gathering interest in my bank account.”

Asked by a respectful Oprah how many more Harry Potter books she might generate, Ms Rowling suggested that she was considering the possibility of assembling a single but everlasting book, which would be delivered to bookshops chapter by chapter at £10 a pop. The film, she added, could be made simultaneously, with the latest reels delivered to cinemas as soon as they were made.

Meanwhile, Mr Radcliffe - who has been desperately trying to break into acting roles which do not force him to wear geeky glasses and pretend to have no genitals - is said to be assembling sentences of his own, all of them containing the word ‘fuck’.

Striking Hobbitses Down Tools In Shire

Negotiations left hobbit reps feeling rather disappointed

Last-minute talks between hobbit leaders and the race of men have broken down, according to reports coming out of the Shire. The rural backwater is expected to descend rapidly into chaos, as militant hobbits withdraw their labour and spend all day in the pub.

Discussions broke down when the wise Lord Peter of Bree – who has been trying without success to hire non-unionised hobbitses – threatened to transport the Shire in its entirety to Middle Europe. Hobbit representatives promptly stumped out of the meeting, although they had to ask one of Lord Peter’s men to open the door for them as none of them could reach the handle.

“Lord Peter do refuse to give us minimum guarantees of wages or working conditions,” the hobbitses’ main negotiator, Bilbo Baggins, told waiting scribes. “Us hobbits’ve got no objection in principle to working with dwarves, as long as they shares their gold with us, but clearly dragons do raise all sorts of health and safety issues which we feel haven’t been properly addressed.”

Lord Peter, meanwhile, warned that if he magically uprooted the Shire to Central Europe, a terrible drought would fall upon Middle Earth.

“First there will come a terrible drought of American money-giants, as I am the sole dreamweaver in the entire realm,” he predicted. “Then another drought, more direful even than the first, will blight the land as thousands of happy wandering gnomes from far across the oceans decide not to bother with the long and arduous journey to these picturesque shores any more. Eventually, only the nibblesome sheep will remain. Hearken; for I, Lord Peter, have foretold this.”

Meanwhile, in the Shire, hobbitses put their big hairy feet up and settled down, dismissing rumours that Lord Peter might, in his anger, send sorcerous flying machines to destroy their irrigation dams.

“He’m been a-gassin’ about that afore,” said old Gaffer Gamgee dismissively, on the picket line barring access to the toll road into the Shire. “Well, oi tells ‘ee, oi’ll believe they when oi sees they.”

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Leading Scientist Michael Caine Solves ‘Italian Job’ Cliffhanger

As the Royal Society of Chemistry launches a competition to find the most plausible solution to the ambiguous ending of classic British movie ‘The Italian Job’ in an attempt to raise public awareness of science, Sir Michael Caine - the 70-year-old star of the film - has claimed that he knows how his character, Charlie Croker, and his gang escaped from their deadly predicament, teetering on the edge of a cliff in their precariously-balanced getaway coach.

“I crawl up, switch on the engine and stay there for four hours until the petrol runs out,” he said. “The van bounces back up so we can all get out, but then the gold goes over. Strangely, it wouldn’t occur to me that, if I should somehow manage to crawl to the front of the coach, the others could follow and we could all jump out safely and recover the gold later,” he went on. “And, now I come to think of it, the Italian police would probably have caught up with us long before I burned off all the fuel, wouldn‘t they?”

“Sorry,” he concluded. “I‘m a complete tit. Not a lot of people know that.”

Janners in Wonderland

The entire population of Plymouth, and a sizeable percentage of Cornwall, has been queueing up in the hope of getting work as extras in the Tim Burton film, Alice in Wonderland.

“We need 250 hairy people to wander aimlessly around in the background looking years behind the times,” said casting director Ilenka Jelowicki, “As the filming will take place over two weeks, anyone wanting to appear in the movie would have to have absolutely no other demands on their time in September. Plymouth was the natural choice for us, being both an unemployment blackspot and a cultural desert.”

By bringing 250 short-term jobs to Plymouth, Hollywood is now the city’s biggest employer in recent history.

“We want to send out a message to all the producers of Hollywood,” said council leader Vivien Pengelly. “If you’re trying to find a ready-made army of bizarre-looking, talentless freaks and weirdos to stand around doing nothing, look no further - Plymouth is the answer.”

Star In A Reasonably Trashed Car

The Hollywood actor Morgan Freeman was due to leave hospital today after undergoing surgery to repair damage he sustained in a serious car crash near his home in Mississippi, in which he broke his arm and elbow, and damaged nerves in his shoulder.

Freeman spent much of yesterday chatting, joking and asking doctors why his arm hurt so much.

“In the E.R. he was asking for a variety of guns so he could try to pick them up,” said a hospital spokesman. “We tried to reason with him, but he wouldn’t listen. In the end one of the orderlies went out to his car, unlocked the glovebox and brought in his Colt .357. We unloaded it first, of course – after all, this is a hospital. Mr Freeman managed to wrap three fingers round the handgrip, but when he tried to lift the piece his hand went into spasm and he was screaming in agony. We keep telling him about this concept of pain, and indeed about real life, but he seemed to be having difficulty grasping the idea that people don’t generally leap out of a car that’s rolled several times at high speed with a Magnum in each hand and start sprinting down the freeway, rolling across the hoods of the oncoming traffic as they go.”

When he was being prepared for surgery, Mr Freeman refused any form of anaesthetic, saying he lived life on a knife-edge and didn’t want anything to slow down his reactions.

“The head of surgery had to sneak up behind him and batter him senseless with a shoe, or you’d have heard the screams halfway across the state,” explained the spokesman.

Morgan Freeman’s agent said the 71-year-old star may well go underground after discharging himself from hospital, appearing unexpectedly in low-budget arthouse movies in his efforts to track down the sinister figures responsible for his ‘accident’.

Industry insiders believe the actor may have been on the verge of exposing a shadowy cabal of corrupt (or possibly psychopathic) stars at the very heart of the Hollywood system who are prepared to kill to cover up their activities, and have suggested that Shia leBoeuf – himself injured in a car crash a few days previously - may have been Freeman’s keen-but-naïve rookie sidekick.

X Marks The Spot - Or So They Want You To Think

Conspiracy theorists turned out in force yesterday in London for the UK premiere of the latest X-Files movie, I Want To Believe, hoping to catch a glimpse of stars David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson.

The film is the second big-screen spin-off from the TV drama-documentary series, which ran from 1993 to 2002 chronicling every paranormal incident that took place in America during that period.

“Everything in the X-Files is 100% true,” insisted 45-year-old fan Justin Geek. “Of course, they had to pretend it was fiction, or THEY would never have allowed it to be shown. It’s all part of the big mind-control experiment that the governments of the world use to keep the truth from us. You can Google it, if you don’t believe me. Check it out.”

Some fans, however, were not convinced by the stars’ red-carpet appearance.

“That’s not Gillian Anderson,” said a disappointed and fearful Robert Anorak, 45. “Scully is a babe. This lookalike is old enough to be my girlfriend, if I ever had one. Sure, there’s some resemblance I suppose, but is that they best THEY could do? I think we should dissect her, in case she’s an alien.”

Another fan, Julie Plain, aged 45, waved her autograph book in rage.

“David Duchovny signed my autograph book at the opening of the last movie in 1998,” she complained. “But look at this signature I got five minutes ago. The D’s are bigger, and there’s a longer tail on the Y. It’s a good forgery – of course, it would be - but what happened to the real David? Why are THEY doing this? I’m going to start a forum thread when I get home – if I get home, of course, because now THEY’ve seen me speaking to you my life is in danger.”

After the premiere, the fans’ elderly parents arrived in a fleet of little Daihatsus to pick them up and take them home.

Bale Out

The legendary Batman has been sighted leaping from rooftop to rooftop in Barcelona, where he is thought to be relentlessly pursuing his ongoing battle to rid the world of his evil nemesis, Mum, and her villainous henchdaughter. Batman was sensationally arrested by Commissioner Gordon on Tuesday - but the caped crusader is out on bail, protesting his innocence.

The rubber pretend bat was seen briefly outside a cinema by a crowd of astonished onlookers, who were amazed by his appearance.

“You’re just a brutal thug, protected by your wealth,” said a local reporter. “Don’t you feel ridiculous standing here in front of all these people?”

The masked vigilante merely smiled grimly to himself, however, and replied, “Who is this joker?”

Inept Death Junkie Hailed As Best Cackling Actor in Make-Up in Dramatic History

The Dark Knight - the best film ever made, or that ever will be made - had its European premiere in London last night, with reviewers hailing the late Heath Ledger’s performance as the best acting anyone will ever be privileged to witness.

The stunning visual feast - in which an obsessive billionaire confronts a grinning, pasty-faced lunatic while dressed up as a rubber bat - demonstrates conclusively that every other so-called masterpiece in cinematic history was in fact vastly over-rated by hysterical, easily-pleased dolts.

Michael Caine, who delivers the performance of his life as minor character Alfred the Butler, told reporters: “Heath Ledger has single-handedly redefined acting. I am retiring in shame to a monastery in Greece. Please forgive me for boring you all for years with my laughably wooden travesties of acting. Goodbye, and I’m sorry.”

Christian Bale, who just about passes muster as the rubber Batman, hung his head in shame as he paid tribute to his co-star. “People were wrong to hail me for my commitment when I dropped three stone in weight to depict a skeletally-thin, sleep-deprived borderline psychotic in The Machinist,” he said. “To tell the truth, I was just feeling a bit porky. Heath, though, has taken putting on make-up and cackling to unprecedented levels of realism. I shall humbly strive to follow his glorious example, apart from the fatally-pumping-myself-full-of-drugs bit, maybe.”

The Nev Filter’s resident film critic says: “I spent the first twenty minutes thinking the projector was broken before I realised the entire film was shot in pitch darkness, which is of course a stroke of genius. And making a film so utterly devoid of humour and levity takes real vision, especially when you have a main antagonist called the Joker. The director, whatever his name is, is assured of his place among the great auteurs of cinema. The nail-biting climax, in which Batman is arrested by Scotland Yard detectives investigating several Fathers4Justice protests on Harriet Harman’s roof, is real edge-of-the-seat stuff. But for me, the real star is the Bat-bike made out of two wheelbarrows and a gatling gun. I hope it gets an Oscar.”

Patrick Stewart Made Professor of Playing Characters With French Names

The actor Patrick Stewart – best known for playing Star Trek’s Captain Picard, unless you’re under 25, in which case he’s Professor Xavier – has been made a Professor of Performing Arts by the prestigious Huddersfield University, of which he is honorary chancellor.

Professor Xavier led 400 cheering mutants through the town centre for the inaugural graduate procession, to the delight of those students who thought he really was confined to a wheelchair.

The graduates in the procession exhibited a wide range of abilities, including chameleon skin, telepathy, electric hands and weather control. However, the ceremonial march was suddenly interrupted by the arrival of the evil Sir Ian McKellen and his rival clan of young mutant misfits. In the ensuing battle, much of Huddersfield was laid waste, causing misery to the cowering inhabitants and great joy to the council’s planning department.

The epic struggle was ended by the arrival of the starship Enterprise, which beamed down an away team led by the rotund Commander Riker, who sat on Sir Ian until he agreed to leave the town in peace. As he led his mutants away, however, the magnetic super-villain threatened to return next year at the head of an unstoppable hobbit army.

Special Effects King Dies - Spectacular Visuals

The legendary Hollywood effects expert Stan Winston has died, at the age of 62.

Winston, who won four Oscars for his ground-breaking work on Aliens, Jurassic Park, Terminator 2, and also created breathtaking visuals for Batman Returns, Artificial Intelligence, Predator and most recently, Iron Man. He had been battling a giant computer-generated cancer cell for several years, according to the Stan Winston Studios.

“We’ve got some stunning footage,” said a spokesman. “The bit where Stan is totally engulfed by the cell, then rips his way out by morphing into a velociraptor, is a real treat for visual effects enthusiasts. I can’t tell you much about the death scene at the moment, out of respect for Stan’s family, but I can say you’ve never seen anything like it in your life, film fans!”

The director Steven Spielberg, who worked with Winston on several blockbuster movies, is said to be keen to see the VFX genius immortalised by being turned into a fully-animatronic corpse.

Never Say Thunder From Chile With The Living Spy Who Loved Eyes Only, No

Top secret agent James Bond may have been killed in a gripping, edge-of-the-seat showdown with his arch-nemesis, Ernst Stavro Blopez, the British Secret Service announced yesterday.

Details are sketchy, but some facts are beginning to emerge from the murky waters of international intrigue. It appears that Blopez - the evil genius at the head of the small Chilean town of Baqueofbeyondo - burst through a massive police cordon in a battered old VW camper or giant mechanical crab – accounts differ – and either threw a fluffy, exploding cat at the suave super-spy, or lowered him into a pool full of freakish killer electric squid.

“How dare you come to whatever country this is, Meester Bond, and pretend it is the country next door!” sneered the arch-villain, climbing into his private space shuttle, or possibly a one-man submersible. “You are worse than General Pinochet, with your cut-price special effects and unfeasible gadgets - like the compass in the heel of your shoe and the pen that writes invisible messages in lemon juice!”

“Do you expect me to work in these conditions?” cried 007, making a desperate lunge for the safety of the make-up trailer.

“No, Meester Bond,” sneered Blopez, taking careful aim with an atomic bazooka (or it might have been a steel-toothed midget with three nipples). “I expect you to do your own stunts.”

M said that no further information was currently available - but offered reporters a quantum of solace, saying that a full report would be generally released by Columbia and MGM in the autumn, at a cinema near you.