Only A Bent Copper Should Investigate Bent Coppers, Say Bent Coppers

Have you seen this wrong 'un? Call SO19 now

Britain’s corrupt police forces have reacted with fury at the government’s startling appointment of civilian legal expert Tom Winsor to oversee Britain’s corrupt police forces.

“The role of HM Inspectorate of Constabulary is far too sensitive to be entrusted to some nonce with a sound knowledge of the law,” insisted outraged Police Federation spokesman DCI Kray Norelation. “Especially this particular trot, who’s already got the rank and file’s backs up by telling us to lose weight or get the shove. Is it our fault the toerags can scarper faster than our brave lads? Give us all a gun – problem solved.”

He went on to add that every force was actively trawling through its cold files, in case any of the uncaught villains match the description of a well-spoken, bespectacled , fair-haired man in a posh suit, who would now be balding and in his mid-fifties.

Police Release Hideous Abomination Upon World

Aargh

Britain is cowering in its hovels tonight, as a rampaging monster cobbled together from parts of murder victims by hubristic police officers stalks the land seeking revenge.

The ungodly creation sprang to life at the height of a media storm, when auditors discovered that overreaching police forces deluded by their unhealthy obsessions have been furtively storing body parts in evidence rooms and canteen fridges for decades.

“We were just trying to create the perfect copper,” moaned project leader Superintendant Frank Einstein, after the vengeful creature cruelly tore him a new one. “The lads will be out all night, I promise you, scouring the countryside for anything they can use to fit up this unholy beast.”

STOP PRESS: Foul Creature Sighted In Arctic Waters

The grotesque approximation of police life has recently been sighted off the coast of Norway – where, its guilt-wracked creators suggest, it may be hoping to achieve some sort of acceptance in a bleak, desolate but critically-acclaimed Scandinavian investigative drama involving some sort of pullover.

Civil War Inevitable If Theresa May Orders Us To Lose Weight, Warn Police Gutbuckets

Sgt Crusher Harvey: the fat blue line

Britain’s flabby upholders of justice solemnly warned home secretary Theresa May today that the rule of law would collapse overnight if they were forced to reduce their pie intake.

“Our police force is admired and replicated throughout the world, from Bahrain to Kazakhstan,” spluttered Police Federation chairman Paul McKeever between mouthfuls. “We are seeing proposals that will fundamentally change the dynamics of policing. For example, the Durham Constabulary’s legendary interrogator, ‘Crusher’ Harvey, couldn’t have inflicted half as much agony if he lacked the necessary 30 stone to put behind his superb arm-wrenching interview technique.”

Rank-and-file members also warn that the infrastructure to implement change is totally lacking - pointing out that, unless thousands of new uniforms are available, slimmed-down officers trying to give chase whilst holding up their 60-inch trousers will be just as incapable of catching criminals as when they were lumbering fat bastards.

“As for requiring officers to study for A-levels and acquire skills in order to gain promotion, that’s just ludicrous,” added Mr McKeever, spraying crumbs indignantly. “How can our lardy lads possibly be expected to learn anything unless they’re regularly rewarded with mouth-watering takeaways?”

We May Never Know How Justice Locked Itself In A Bag And Died

Coroner Fiona Coxup today delivered her considered verdict to a hushed inquest, saying she was entirely satisfied that top MI6 paperclip operator James Bond lawfully killed himself after lawfully planting women’s clothing worth £20,000 in his apartment, lawfully squeezing into an airtight bag, lawfully zipping it shut from the inside, lawfully padlocking the external zippers together before lawfully retrieving the key and lawfully leaping into the bath to suffocate in complete accordance with the law.

“It is entirely fit and proper that Mr Bond’s worried case officer, ‘M’, notified police the moment Mr Bond was a week late for work,” smiled Dr Coxup, “Just as it was entirely wrong for the police to pursue a questionable agenda of treating Mr Bond’s death as some sort of mystery to be solved.”

If you can tuck your scrotum into a pair of Victoria's Secret scanties, this is a doddle

“That these dull-witted flatfoots stubbornly refused to draw the obvious conclusion – namely, that any man with a small branch of Dorothy Perkins in his wardrobe would surely come to realise that he was nothing but a monstrous pervert with no more right to exist than a snivelling woodlouse – shall go down in forensic history as a dark stain of treasonous disloyalty on the otherwise impeccable record of Britain’s security services,” she thundered, adding: “Will this do?”

“The coroner’s ruling proves that British justice is still governed by common sense of self-preservation,” commented MI6 spokesman ‘Q’, handing Dr Coxup a ticking MBE. “From day one, we have always maintained that this was just an everyday open and shut and locked and left to die pathetically in a bath case.”

Pencil-Lifting Police Too Thick To Fill Out Ballot Paper

Coming soon: CSI UK

Police officers who are fit are incapable of placing a cross in the right place on their ballot papers, admitted exasperated Police Federation officials today as they contemplated asking their members whether they want the right to strike - and those who might be capable of understanding a simple yes/no question are struggling to lift the heavy wooden tube with a black filling.

“After all the unquestioning love and loyalty we’ve shown them over the years, how bloody dare the Tories expect us to read and write, and be able to jog as well?” demanded an aggrieved spokesman. “If this lefty nonsense isn’t nipped in the bud right now, before long they’ll be asking us to work out the difference between right and wrong.”

“All we are asking for is the fundamental human right to flop down on the Parker-Knoll with a six pack of Stella, scratch our bollocks and get nostalgic over repeats of The Sweeney as Britain’s inner cities erupt in an orgy of arson, looting and blood-letting,” he pleaded. “Well, that and the right to be useless.”

Robocop And ED-209 To Be Consulted By Police Forces

Don't mention the hat

Controversy surrounds today’s announcement by the chief constables of the West Midlands and Surrey police that the famous consulting detective, Robocop, and his trusty friend Dr ED-209 have been appointed to assist them in solving crimes, providing victim support and patrolling neighbourhoods.

“Robocop may look bang up to date, with his revealing flashbacks and trendy CGI text popping up in front of his eyes, but sadly the truth is that his methods of deduction belong to an earlier century,” warned shadow home secretary Yvette Cooper. “And I’m not absolutely convinced that his friend ED-209 doesn’t fancy the leg fairings off him.”

Fans of ED-209’s popular blog, however, point out that Robocop is virtually impossible to kill, even if local hoodies dismantle him with a screwdriver - adding that policing costs will fall dramatically, as he can solve any mystery on just one tiny spoonful of baby food.

Horsegate: Cameron Resigns

You did this, Cameron, you bastard

David Cameron has sensationally resigned in disgrace after it emerged that, a couple of years ago, he rode a horse.

“I am ashamed to say that, in my innocent eagerness to climb into the saddle and go for a ride with my lovely friend Rebekah Brooks, I utterly neglected to carry out the most perfunctory check on whether the horse belonged to the Metropolitan Police,” confessed the ashen-faced prime minister at a press conference. “I make no excuses for this despicable act and can only hope that, in time, history will forget that I ever existed.”

Mr Cameron then tried to shoot himself to atone for his sins but, before he could pull the trigger, sharp-eyed hacks warned him that the gun he had placed in his mouth bore markings suggesting that it was in fact the property of CO19, the Met’s specialist firearms unit.

Racism Abolished

The newspaper industry today gave itself a huge pat on the back for single-handedly bringing about the end of racism, after Gary Dobson and David Norris were convicted of the 1993 murder of Stephen Lawrence – a conviction secured solely on the evidence of a fearless accusation on the front page of that legendary anti-racist campaigner, the Daily Mail.

In the wake of the British media industry’s tireless campaigning for fairness, decency and understanding, the British National Party and the English Defence League have both announced their immediate disbanding and issued abject apologies for the stupid and misguided opinions they used to express, the ordinary British public are hugging Polish workers in the streets and a contrite David Cameron has changed his mind on the Euro crisis.

Our staunch upholder of tolerance and understanding

“Had it not been for the heroic decision of the Daily Mail to openly flout Britain’s libel laws by calling Dobson and Norris murderers, inviting them to pay all the costs of taking on the best-paid libel lawyers in the land entirely out of their own pockets, the police would still be incompetent and institutionally racist to the core, and there would still be racist attacks taking place on a daily basis on the streets of this utterly tolerant nation,” said every national paper.

“What other country in the world would allow its newspapers to libel with impunity anyone we take a dislike to, safe in the knowledge that only the very wealthiest individuals would dare to take on the staggering financial burden of a legal challenge, knowing that even if they win they may well only get awarded a pound in damages?” they concluded. “So hooray for Britain, and hooray for us.”

“On other pages: Why We Still Reckon Jo Yeates’ Weirdo Landlord Must Be A Kiddy Fiddler, Or Something,” they added smugly.

Key Points Of David Cameron’s New Year Message

He's back. Did you miss him?

1. There are no invisible countries.
2. Fortunately, we’ve lined up some nice distractions for you.
3. Because this year the shit’s really going to hit the fan.
4. If I fiddle with all the broken stuff a bit - the NHS, education, law enforcement, that sort of thing – you never know, I might eventually be able to bodge something together that works. Well, sort of.
5. I’ve found some jolly splendid words in the dictionary to describe how things used to be, back in the good old days.
6. Did I mention the nice shiny things?
7. Never mind. A hundred years from now, none of this will matter.

Detectives Rule Out Love As Motive For Shooting Man In Head At Point Blank Range

Anuj Bidve, the Indian student gunned down in Salford on Boxing Day, was definitely not murdered for love, according to the Greater Manchester Police after three days of inspired detective work.

“Evenin’ all. I gather some folks round here are suggesting that the shooting of this gentleman might possibly be some sort of hate crime,” explained Detective Chief Inspector Savage, who is leaving no stone unturned in his dogged quest to uncover the truth, or at least something which might bear a passing resemblance to it in court. “Although, I have to say, the five chaps we’ve arrested all seem like perfectly decent young lads to me.”

Greater Manchester Police detectives gathering evidence

In another twist, it has lately been brought to the attention of the police by concerned members of the local community that Mr Bidve was other than white.

“I honestly hadn’t noticed because naturally, like all police officers, I wouldn’t dream of jumping to any conclusions based on someone’s colour,” explained DCI Savage with a grin. “But this new information suggests an obvious explanation - the chap who fired the gun simply didn’t see him standing in the way, what with him being so dusky and everything. However, I suppose it could conceivably be that race might be some sort of factor in this crime. I mean he was asking for trouble really, wasn’t he, walking down a respectable British street with skin like that.”

“I think it’s called ‘contributory negligence’ nowadays,” he ventured. “Come to think of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t end up charging this openly foreign ne’er-do-well with his own murder.”

Police Can Shoot Suspected Bogus Carol Singers

Shoot to kill

Police today urged the public to look out for opportunistic thieves posing as charity carol singers, promising to give anyone suspected of singing ‘Away In A Manger’ in an insincere manner both barrels.

“Season’s greetings, all. If you don’t care for the tone of anyone who rocks up on your doorstep rattling a tin in your face, just give us a quick jingle bell and the Armed Response Unit will be round in a jiffy to blast the cheeky fuckers to kingdom come,” said Chief Inspector of Constabulary Sir Denis O’Connor.

“Ho ho ho,” he added festively.

Metropolitan Police Unveil New Crest After Sacking Officer Over Affair With Minister's Wife

Alcohol A Factor In 44% Of Ulster Arrests, Claims Pissed Justice Minister

Mind how you go now, y'bastud

Northern Ireland’s justice minister, David Ford, gravely warned the Stormont Assembly today that drink was a factor in 44% of arrests in the province before slumping, insensible, to the floor and soiling himself.

“Ash I undershtand it, the proposhalsh for minimum unit prishing conshentrate on the health conshy… cuntsy… stuff. Hic,” he slurred to worried MLAs. “In my reshponsh to the reshent public conshtipation on thish issue I did, however, recognishe that there are pretentioush criminal jushtish benefitsh to removing cheap alcoholic drinksh, as the poleesh admit that the Guinnesh wash a contribatory fuctor in 44% of their arreshts. What the fuck are yoush looking at?”

A spokesman for the Police Service of Northern Ireland later insisted that the Nev Filter was his best friend in the whole world, several times, before trying to arrest it over the telephone.

Dale Farm A Peaceful Grassroots Protest Against City Greed, Claim Punchy Residents

Gypsies at Dale Farm told eager TV crews that their campsite is in fact a spontaneous anti-capitalist protest against corporate fat cats, as they enthusiastically swung scaffolding pipes at riot police who were trying to gain entry to the site.

Peaceful campers sharing the love

“We have a legitimate grievance against greedy bankers,” insisted a demonstrator, as he stamped peacefully on a policeman’s head. “See that? Police brutality.”

Away from the pitched battles, which are being transmitted live on TV and in betting shops, other Dale Farm demonstrators are hastily drawing up an alternative manifesto in which they claim that the global economic crisis was caused by Basildon Council’s planning department.

"We're here because we want an equal distribution of wealth, we want minorities - i.e. us - to have a voice, we want the corrupt planning system to be changed," explained a pikey with a brick. “We’re not moving until the entire capitalist planning system comes tumbling down, to be replaced by a fairer distribution of the world’s wealth, resources and land, mainly in our direction.”

“And if it ever happens,” he added, generously redistributing his brick into the police line, “We still ain’t moving.”

Taser Had No Effect On Raoul Moat, Claims Police Marksman, Apart From Him Blowing His Head Off

The 500V bolt shot into Raoul Moat from an unlicensed X-12 Taser as he was holding a loaded shotgun to his head had no discernible effect on the cornered gunman other than him blasting his skull apart as its electrical discharge overloaded his nervous system, according to the firearms officer who fired it - known only as Z-is-for-Zebra 2+2=4 – in his evidence to the inquest into the fugitive murderer’s death in a Northumberland field last July.

Exhibit A

Reading from his incident report, a gaily-coloured poster-paint depiction of some stick men with arms growing at right angles from their lower abdomens and what may have been a big smiley dinosaur, the highly-trained weapons expert categorically denied that Moat could possibly have experienced any involuntary muscular spasms at the very start of the device’s 20-second discharge of incapacitating bolts of electricity directly into his body.

The taser-equipped policeman’s superior officer, Sergeant T-is-for-Pterodactyl 3x3x3, told the jury to cast from their minds any sensationalist demonstration footage from the X-12’s manufacturers which they might have seen, showing volunteer targets twitching uncontrollably as their legs collapsed beneath them.

“Its lick them Nisun adverts on telie wot shows cars all leepen abowt n stuf,” he read from a statement he had copied out earlier in blue and red crayon. “Yuo isnt spose 2 axiely bleev it or nuffin. Its jus asporashianle mar kitten innit. It don’t reely do nufin 2 nowun, thats wy we bort it.”

Disturbingly Low Number Of Rioters Were Law-Abiding Citizens, Says London’s Top Policeman

Acting Commissioner Tim Godwin of the Metropolitan Police today added his voice to concerns expressed by Kenneth Clarke and Boris Johnson about the disturbing proportion of riot-related crimes which turned out to have been committed by criminals.

“I think this is a wake-up call for the criminal justice system,” Mr Godwin told reporters. “In the name of the law, how can it be that only one in five of these criminal acts was perpetrated by fine, morally-upstanding citizens of impeccable character with no previous convictions?”

Reoffend now, you feral hoodie ruffians

Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke has already gone on record to blame a “broken penal system” – not merely for flagrantly releasing convicted criminals from prison just because their sentences were served, but more fundamentally for commonly failing to execute them at the point of arrest. Boris Johnson swiftly agreed with him - adding that, based on his close observations from Canada, where he was on holiday at the time, he knew for certain that the initial police response to the riots had been flawless in every respect.

Giving his long-range evidence to the Home Affairs Select Committee, London’s clairvoyant mayor went on to say: “We need to ask as a society what is happening to these - these johnny-ne’er-do-wells after they have been jailed. How are we changing their lives so they don't come out again and go back to gangs, eh? Well, call me old-fashioned and what-have-you, but it seems to yours truly that only hanging has a ten-out-of-ten track record in this department, eh, chaps?”

“Or lobotomy!” he expostulated. “Might work. Keep the wet-blanket brigade happy. Why not give it a bash, eh, says old Boris!”

Manchester Police Forced To Do Some Proper Detective Work

Greater Manchester Police are today faced with the daunting task of having to remember how to properly investigate a crime, after the Crown Prosecution Service sensationally dropped all charges against Rebecca Leighton, the hapless Stockport nurse whose fingerprints were on one of Stepping Hill Hospital’s deadly contaminated saline drips simply because she had been doing her job.

“At the time that Rebecca was charged there was sufficient evidence in our view, never mind what some lefty facking poofter of a lawyer reckons,” insisted Assistant Chief Constable Sweeney Todd. “Look - she give a drip to a patient, and the patient gone and died. Open-and-shut case, innit?”

Course she done it, them's murderer's eyes

While patient CPS lawyers repeatedly tried to make Manchester’s finest grasp the difficult concept of establishing motive – rather than just opportunity – in order to obtain a conviction, the force was faced with the daunting prospect of having to rely solely on their powers of deduction to figure out which of about 500 people who might have had access to the saline drips actually carried out the contamination which led to seven deaths.

Despite the coldness of the trail after a month wasted barking up the wrong tree, sharp-minded detectives have already set to work on putting their cleverly-worded questions to hospital staff – such as: “Can you fink of a reason why that Leighton slag might of done it?”

Boris Delighted With 245 Peaceful Arrests And A Peaceful Stabbing

The carnival is all about merry dances, like this one

London mayor Boris Johnson has praised the city and its denizens for showing the world the law-abiding, fun-loving side of the capital, as this year’s legendary Notting Hill Carnival ended with just 245 entirely peaceful arrests and only one non-fatal friendly stabbing.

“Cripes, I say, well done chaps!” spluttered Boris, tragically sporting a sequin-covered mankini. “The vibrant street-dancing of London’s dusky chaps and chapesses has completely restored the world’s confidence in our city as a veritable haven of peace and tranquility, as the 6,500 police officers who attended will readily confirm.”

“This sends out a clear message to the rioting yahoos of Tottenham, Croydon and what-have-you,” he declared proudly. “Namely - er - that if you’re planning to openly flout the law of the land, just make sure your ladyfriends are distracting the press johnnies by prancing down a nearby street with hardly any kit on.”

“Er – crikey - hold on a tick – er… whoops,” he added.

Gaddafi Interviewed For Top Met Job

And he can supply his own uniform

The elusive Libyan leader, Colonel Gaddafi, confounded his angry people this morning by turning up suddenly at Scotland Yard to be interviewed for the Chief Commissioner vacancy.

While sporadic gunfire continues to erupt in Tripoli as inexplicably loyal government forces continue to hold the world’s media in a comfy hotel, the hated dictator sat quietly in a waiting room between Sir Hugh Orde and acting commissioner Tim Godwin, thumbing through an old issue of Jane’s Police Review and polishing his medals until the receptionist called out: “Colonel Muammar Muhammad al-Gaddafi, Dean of Arab Rulers, Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People’s Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, Keeper of Arab Nationalism, Head of the Coalition of Coast and Desert States, Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution, Imam of Muslims and King of Kings of Africa – the panel will see you now.”

“Obviously I’m not at liberty to divulge what was discussed during the Colonel’s interview,” announced Home Secretary Theresa May later. “Wishy-washy liberals might think that recent events in Libya would count against him but, to give him his due, it’s rather exceptional for disorderly criminal elements to be backed up by NATO assault helicopters and strike fighters. Setting that aside, the preceding 41 years of maintaining strict public order is a magnificent record of civic authority which cannot easily be overlooked.”

Public Demanded Me Talking Out Of My Backside, Insists May

Do you remember asking for this? No, me neither

Home secretary Theresa May today defended the reeking clouds of foul stench which she has been energetically pumping out of her arse since returning from her agreeable holiday, claiming that they are exactly what the public is clamouring for.

“At times of national crisis, what the British people want - and have every right to expect - is politicians striking Ramboesque poses and threatening crackdowns of medieval savagery which they know perfectly well they cannot deliver,” explained the home secretary’s backside, after clearing her sphincter and half the briefing room. “That’s why I ordered the nation’s police chiefs to carry on with their plans to deploy extra forces and cancel leave. It doesn’t matter that I don’t have any authority to do so. What matters is that I look jolly important, because what sort of sorry state would the country be in if the public didn’t have complete faith in its politicians?”

At this point, the briefing was brought to a premature halt by an unexpected follow-through – which was promptly scooped up by delighted tabloid reporters and smeared all over their papers.