Chimps And Humans Exhibit Similar Behaviour, Announce Researchers As Cameron Hurls Faeces At Rival

And there's plenty more where that came from

Anthropologists today unveiled conclusive proof that chimpanzees and humans share distinct personality traits - citing as evidence David Cameron’s classic exhibition of aggressive behaviour during Prime Minister’s Questions, in which the dominant male responded to a challenging display of Balls by screeching furiously and flinging handfuls of excrement across the floor of the House of Commons.

“This is a key part of the day-to-day ritual within the Westminster troupe,” whispered Sir David Attenborough, bravely squatting just inches from Mr Cameron, who hissed and bared his teeth threateningly but continued to forage for wine.

“Having no social status within the hierarchy of government, the tribal outcasts will, from time to time, openly flaunt their Balls at the leader just to provoke a reaction,” he continued sagely. “Most of the time he will ignore them as he goes about his routine, marking his territory and trying to pick fleas off his subordinates. However, his advances have recently been rejected by an older female, Angela, leaving him sexually frustrated and aggressive.”

“Oh, you dirty little monkey,” exclaimed the broadcasting legend indignantly, as a clearly aggravated Mr Cameron suddenly showered him with a barrage of shit.

Osborne Releases ‘Happy Talk’

George Osborne of the Blah Party

Chancellor of the exchequer George Osborne is hoping to scale the charts this week, after releasing his own inimitable version of the 1949 Rodgers and Hammerstein hit, ‘Happy Talk’ under the pseudonym Captain Insensible.

“All of the UK’s woes are caused by silly asses wondering what might happen to the Eurozone when Greece defaults,” smiled the damned Member for Tatton brightly. “Well, I say chin up, Britain! I have a dream that it might never happen! Happy talk, keep talking happy talk! Talk about things you’d like to do ! You’ve got to have a dream ! If you don’t have a dream , how are you going to have a dream come true? Come on, boys and girls, sing along with the Captain!”

“You’re all going around with long faces, moaning about cuts to this and the price of that, and it’s making you jolly glum,” he chirped inanely. “Well, chaps, watch and learn – I just put on a big soppy grin every morning and hey presto, austerity doesn’t affect me at all!”

61 million people joined in with the Captain’s novelty singalong, chanting “Wot?”

Ramming Speed, Urges Hague

What a healthy economy looks like

Pounding mercilessly on his drum, foreign secretary William Hague today urged Britain’s rowers to stop moaning and row harder if they did not want to go down with their creaking galley.

As pitiless Conservative overseers frantically whipped collapsing small business owners back to semi-consciousness, Britain’s haughty Admiral and Captain were conspicuously absent from the hellish, stinking lower deck - where ranks of sweating entrepreneurs heaved desperately at their oars to relentless beat of the bald percussionist, trying desperately to steer a sluggish Britain to victory before it was consumed by deadly Greek Fire.

As Britain crashed repeatedly onto the treacherous banks and began filling rapidly with seawater, the measured tones of Mr Hague could be heard calmly ordering the stricken ship to make all possible speed for the nearest safe harbour – either India, Thailand or Indonesia.

British Economy Nothing To Do With British Economy, Explains Treasury

Stunned Treasury officials - who had confidently predicted that official statistics would confirm that Britain has never had it so good – were today quick to blame the Eurozone, the French presidential elections, Mitt Romney, Sudanese border incidents, Syrian ceasefire violations, the Leveson inquiry, drought, heavy rain, Russell Brand’s drug hell, the body-in-the-bag inquest and the Breivik trial in Norway for the economy’s plunge back into recession.

Normal smirkage will be resumed shortly

“The important thing to bear in mind is that the British economy has nothing whatsoever to do with either Britain or its economy,” mumbled a red-faced civil servant, “And, least of all, the chancellor of the exchequer.”

Mr Osborne was sadly unavailable for comment, he added, as he was currently undergoing emergency surgery for a slipped smirk which happened at 10.00 this morning, although he is expected to announce a 100% cut in the National Audit Office’s budget as soon as the paint dries.

Public Delighted To Support Business Recovery Through Self-Impoverishment

Ecstatic members of the public are dancing in the high streets today as retailers, betting shops, oil companies, banks, train operators, car manufacturers and the software industry continue to report ever-increasingly healthy profits.

“I’m proud to play my part, however small it may be, in returning the business community to the salad days they’ve come to expect as their divinely-ordained right,” one overjoyed Oxford Street shopper told reporters as she spent the last £140 of her card limit on a pair of sandals which are not quite the same colour as any of her other sandals. “Could the media industry do with a few quid? Here, take my purse.”

“We could have hung onto the SUV for another year, of course,” smiled her husband. “But Audi have just bought Ducati and running a top superbike racing team doesn’t come cheap, so I reckon they could do with a bit of a cash injection. I’ve just signed the kids over as deposit on a new A1. It’s a step down, of course, but with the kids off our hands we really don’t need a tank any more.”

“Of course, I’ve promised BP that I’ll rev the new car at every set of lights and drive it in the wrong gear whenever I can,” he added reassuringly. “After all, I wouldn’t want to dent their profits.”

“If we all just keep bankrupting ourselves for the greater good of the world’s boardrooms, I bet Britain will be booming again by Christmas,” cheered a bag-laden bystander. “And, you know, William Hill were more than happy to take that bet.”

Britain Prepares For Osborne's 2012 Budget

Robocop And ED-209 To Be Consulted By Police Forces

Don't mention the hat

Controversy surrounds today’s announcement by the chief constables of the West Midlands and Surrey police that the famous consulting detective, Robocop, and his trusty friend Dr ED-209 have been appointed to assist them in solving crimes, providing victim support and patrolling neighbourhoods.

“Robocop may look bang up to date, with his revealing flashbacks and trendy CGI text popping up in front of his eyes, but sadly the truth is that his methods of deduction belong to an earlier century,” warned shadow home secretary Yvette Cooper. “And I’m not absolutely convinced that his friend ED-209 doesn’t fancy the leg fairings off him.”

Fans of ED-209’s popular blog, however, point out that Robocop is virtually impossible to kill, even if local hoodies dismantle him with a screwdriver - adding that policing costs will fall dramatically, as he can solve any mystery on just one tiny spoonful of baby food.

Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit Now Official Romanian Currency

In Bucharest, this is a month's wages

Chewing gum stolen from Britain’s supermarket shelves has been formally adopted as Romania’s official currency by the former Communist state’s government, consisting of the Gypsy King and his dancing troupe of violinists.

“Ever since I shot the Communist dictator Ceaușescu and his ugly wife, my country’s economy has been based on the fraudulently-obtained t-shirt,” said the Gypsy King. “But, in recent years, the UK’s economic woes have led to a significant shortfall in the number of households willing to contribute unwanted clothing to what they fondly think is some sort of charity collection.”

“This has led to runaway inflation here in Romania, with the result that this rare Download 2007 Festival t-shirt I’m wearing represents 2% of our capital reserves,” he explained. “My sultry young daughter Rosa, the finance minister, thought about making goat droppings into a monetary unit, but the fiscal markets of the world are strangely reluctant to exchange our beautiful sacks of shit for dollars. It wasn’t a problem at all as far as the euro was concerned, but frankly we’d rather keep our abundant goat crap, thanks, because we get a bit more warmth out of that when we burn it.”

Meanwhile, as gangs of enthusiastic Romanian currency dealers continue to strip Britain’s shelves clean of gum, chancellor George Osborne is said to be keenly examining what economists are already calling 'the Romanian economic miracle' as he formulates his latest austerity budget.

“I’d strongly advise everyone to stock up on Tic Tacs,” predicted Rob Blind, a senior global currencies dealer at Sainsbury’s Bank. “We’ve got a 3 for 2 deal on mint multipacks this week. It could be the investment opportunity of your worthless lives.”

Public Just Crying Out For Cuts, Says Labour Genius

Vote Labour

Jim Murphy - the shadow defence secretary, for Christ’s sake - has told delighted Guardian readers today that what will make Labour electable again is to realise that what the public wants more than anything is cuts, cuts and more cuts.

“The truth is the Labour Party would have to make cuts if we were in power," he said brightly. “It is difficult to sustain popularity without genuine credibility.

“I really reckon the whole country is with me on this,” he argued. “We’re certainly not going to get any popular support by calling on the government to protect essential services, safeguard people’s jobs or invest in the younger generation. That’s all just stuff and nonsense, as I’m sure the public knows very well.”

Key Points Of David Cameron’s New Year Message

He's back. Did you miss him?

1. There are no invisible countries.
2. Fortunately, we’ve lined up some nice distractions for you.
3. Because this year the shit’s really going to hit the fan.
4. If I fiddle with all the broken stuff a bit - the NHS, education, law enforcement, that sort of thing – you never know, I might eventually be able to bodge something together that works. Well, sort of.
5. I’ve found some jolly splendid words in the dictionary to describe how things used to be, back in the good old days.
6. Did I mention the nice shiny things?
7. Never mind. A hundred years from now, none of this will matter.

47% Of UK Hoping To Emigrate To Deep-Sea Vents

If you're not working with him, you'll be working for him

Almost half of the population of the United Kingdom is thinking about leaving the country for good and relocating to a smoking volcanic ridge at the bottom of the one of the deepest oceans, after researchers released dramatic new footage proving beyond all doubt that these challenging environments are the only places left on earth where life is positively thriving.

“Britain’s screwed. Europe’s screwed. America’s screwed. All of Western civilisation is screwed. Japan’s screwed, and now it looks like the wheels are even coming off China,” observed market analyst Rob Blind. “Let’s face it, if Brazil is now the sixth strongest economy in the world - and remember, quite a lot of Brazilians are running round the jungle bollock naked with blowpipes – things don’t exactly augur well for the rest of us.”

Meanwhile, it seems that many Britons are of the opinion that if sea cucumbers, scaly-footed snails and yeti crabs are the only culture on the planet which is actually prospering, then perhaps it might be better to be with them than against them.

“Oh well, I always hoped that one day I’d be able to retire somewhere nice and warm all year round,” reflected Jim Gage, a recently-redundant buildings inspector as he packed his swimming trunks and a snorkel.

Tories ‘Consistently Voiced Concerns’ About PFI Ever Since We Introduced It, Claims Twit

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, George

Britain’s top twit, chancellor George Osborne, today announced that the government would be reviewing the Private Finance Initiative, after statistics showed that the future had completely run out of money to pay for all the ruinously expensive buildings cheerfully thrown up during the past two decades on the never-never.

“We Tories have consistently voiced concerns about PFI, which is why we launched it so enthusiastically in 1992,” yammered Osborne’s flapping mouth. “Developers pulling down perfectly serviceable buildings and banging out shiny new ones just to exploit a VAT loophole, then charging the public purse way over the odds for decades to come is plain bloody stupid. Only a party of criminally irresponsible dunces could even have contemplated such a crazy scheme, just because it conveniently keeps the staggering cost off the books.”

The blithering idiot who holds Britain’s economy in his feeble grasp added that he had been absolutely against PFI since taking office in May 2010 - which was why he continued to sign off new projects until the Treasury’s calculator finally exploded, when it generated a final payment date beyond the point in the far future when our planet will be engulfed by its dying sun.

'Off You Go, Then,' Britain Tells HSBC

After HSBC warned that tougher regulations may force it to leave Britain, the bank’s branches up and down the country have been besieged by people offering to help it pack its bags.

Need a hand with that?

“You get to a $2.5 billion cost for being UK headquartered. This is a non-trivial decision, you don't move your head office on a regular basis,” complained Stuart Gulliver, chief executive of the bank whose selling of sub-prime mortgages to Americans who were unable to afford them did so much to cement London’s reputation as a global banking centre. “We’re already cutting back our operations in America, Canada, Russia, Poland, Georgia and Chile - and if any more governments want to interfere with our right to all the money in the world, we will leave Earth altogether and ruin you from the moon, which has the sort of regulations we like.”

Recession-hit customers, meanwhile, are visiting the other high-street banks, asking them if they have any plans to push off too, and offering to hold the door open for them on the way out.

Horrified MPs, however, warned the public that the banking sector provides essential support to Britain’s prosperity by offering vital non-executive directorships to humble politicians who would otherwise be reduced to losing all but one of their homes and begging in the streets.

Sarkozy Scores Direct Hit On Cameron With Record 15m Projectile Vomit

French president Nicolas Sarkozy earned a hearty round applause from impressed eurozone leaders today, with an impressive 15.2m hurl which coated a surprised David Cameron in half-digested bits of horse, goose and amphibian.

To be fair, it's all Britain could afford

“I got ze idea from ma leurvely liddle bebby, Giulia,” a drained M. Sarkozy explained afterwards, as Europe’s finance ministers carried him aloft on a euphoric lap of honour around the conference table in Brussels. “Ah sheuw ‘er ze nasty cheap Cameron geeft of ze peenk Wilko dishcloth, she take one leurk an’ she vom ‘erseulf. As ah am dreurping eet een ze bin, I am seenking, zut! I feel ze same way whenever ah regard ‘ees arrogant face. Zo ah am deciding to express maseulf.”

Wiping unwholesome chunks from his ruined suit, a reeking but resolutely diplomatic Mr Cameron sought to downplay the international barf incident.

“If Monsieur Sarkozy’s digestive tract rebels at the sight of me, you should see my gut reaction to my own backbenchers,” he smiled through gritted teeth. “In the last few days I’ve pebbledashed half the committee rooms in Westminster Hall. Poor old William Hague had to push my pancreas back in.”

Chilling Report Warns That You Will Soon Be Joining Horrible Proles

Book your place now, it's about to get rather crowded

Middle-class sphincters clutched spasmodically today, as the Institute for Fiscal Studies solemnly warned that nice people like you will soon be utterly indistinguishable from the lowlife human molluscs who cluster around the entrance of the local Jobcentre.

“With median incomes likely to fall 7% in the next two years, this would be the largest three-year fall in median income since 1974-77,” noted report co-author Robert Spreadsheet. "Face it, Middle England, you’re about to become what you hate and fear: ghastly poor people.”

Already enterprising members of the underclass are offering courses to the downwardly-mobile, covering such vital topics as acceptable levels of aggression in Jobcentres, post-nuclear family management and riot-based looting.

“Well, if I really must join the scum, I might as well hit the ground running,” shrugged a typical doomed Surrey housewife, as her personal trainer showed her the correct way to hide her face under a hood.

Nation Of Alleged Optimists Ask Scientists: ‘Did You Mention The Economy?’

A typical British optimist thinking of the bright future

As leading neuroscientists published research claiming that the majority of the public are blissfully optimistic, the majority of the public found itself wondering if the researchers actually asked anybody what they thought about the economic future of Britain.

“I accept that I may well be underestimating the likelihood that my marriage will end in a bitter and painful divorce, and I’m almost certainly kidding myself about my 20-a-day smoking habit,” said typical self-deluder Bob Mitchell. “But when I think about the chances of my kids ever earning enough money to buy a house, it seems to me that they’re utterly fucked for the rest of their lives. Doesn’t everybody?”

Head researcher Dr Margaret Strangelove, however, insisted that Mr Mitchell was nevertheless displaying unmistakeable signs of blind optimism about the future.

“Never mind his children,” she pointed out, “He seems to have steered well clear of thinking about the rapidly-decreasing likelihood of ever paying off his own mortgage.”

Governor Jumps Off Bank Of England

Mr King's final uplifting message to Britain

Bank of England governor Mervyn King has raised speculation in some quarters that Britain’s glorious economic resurgence may not be as imminent as was previously believed, by leaping off the roof and plummeting to a merciful release on the pavement below.

Just before he stepped off the ledge into oblivion, Mr King was heard to scream: “This is the most serious financial crisis we've seen at least since the 1930s, if not ever.”

Shocked staff inside the crumbling Threadneedle Street edifice say they are struggling to keep sobbing executives from Lloyds TSB, RBS, Santander UK and the Nationwide Building Society from entering lifts or climbing the emergency stairs to the top floor.

Meanwhile, chancellor of the exchequer George Osborne was last seen dragging a bulging suitcase through the air tunnel onto a flight to South America, leaving behind a trail of Monopoly banknotes on which the ink was still wet.

World Economic Crisis Your Bloody Fault

The prime minister today explained that the catastrophic implosion of the entire global economy was entirely down to you and your bloody credit cards, you silly sod.

You silly cow

“We're in a debt crisis,” admonished Mr Cameron. “It was caused by too much borrowing by businesses, banks, Labour governments - but most of all, you. The only way out of a debt crisis is to deal with your debts. That means households – i.e. you lot - paying off the credit card and store card bills. Now.”

“You stupid, stupid bastards,” he added.

Mr Cameron’s advice for a speedy return to happy days is for you to stop buying stuff.

“The banks simply had no alternative but to keep extending your credit limit again and again because of your reckless irresponsibility. Now look what you’ve done,” he scowled. “Fancy buying things that weren’t absolutely essential to your continued existence, just because you wanted them. Like iPhones. And digital televisions. And furniture. And clothes. What the hell were you thinking? Idiots.”

The prime minister warned that if you didn’t settle your massive debts by the end of the month, he would be forced to send the bailiffs round to every household in the country to seize everything in your home and give it all to the poor, suffering banks. And serve you right.

Craven Labour Conference Delegates Neglecting To Crucify Ed Balls

The beast must die

George Osborne today lambasted rank-and-file Labour Party members for spinelessly failing to instruct their representatives at the party’s annual conference to string up Ed Balls from the nearest lamp post.

“The implosion of the global economy and, with it, the irreversible decline and fall of Western civilisation, can be laid firmly at the door of one man and one man only,” squeaked the chancellor of the exchequer, “And that man is Ed Balls. Kill it. Kill it now, and maybe the gods of finance will be appeased. Or something. It’s got to be worth a try.”

“Of course, I’ll miss our amusing sparring sessions in the Commons, in which he always contrives to make me look a bit of a charlie even though I’m absolutely right about everything,” he smirked. “But it’s a sacrifice I’m sure I shall learn to get used to.”

If Only The Rest Of The World Would Follow Our Recession-Busting Lead, Says Clarke

The sanity of Mr Clarke

Politicians in Europe and the United States are ‘paralysed’, according to justice secretary Kenneth Clarke, when they ought to be following Britain’s shining example of how to burst out of economic disaster.

“You have paralysis in Washington, and paralysis in large parts of Europe because they are incapable of agreeing and everybody is fighting short-term politics,” observed the former Chancellor of the Exchequer from Britain’s glory days under John Major’s inspired, decisive leadership. “The collapsing pack of cards that is the eurozone is facing the stark economic nightmare of just 1.6% growth - while, here in booming Britain, we can look forward to enjoying a soaraway 1.1% by the end of this year alone.”

“And we can thank our political unity for this,” he boasted confidently. “The Conservatives, our Liberal Democrat allies and even the previous Labour government are all in complete agreement that the only possible path back to the salad days of universal wealth and happiness for all is to scrap the failed communist experiment in collective social responsibility for the welfare of the poor, the sick and the elderly.”

“Why don’t you all just come out and admit it? The world was simply better off all round back in the 18th century, wasn’t it, when we were running things,” crowed Mr Clarke to the west’s perplexed finance ministers as his colleague, Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Myth, was handed a P45 as the government was now within sight of achieving its dual target of no more work and no more pensions.