Cameron Explains Principles Of Western Democracy To China

Prime minister David Cameron has urged China to embrace democracy, pointing out that as long as all parties draw their MPs exclusively from a small, self-perpetuating oligarchy who do whatever big business tells them in return for lucrative directorships, the same elite can remain in power indefinitely while the populace fondly cherish the fantasy that they have some sort of say in how their lives will be ordained.

Just think of it as a waste paper basket for people's dreams

“Look, democracy is just a fetish that people in the west worship above all else, without really understanding it,” he told China’s rulers. “It’s like God used to be, or communism to your people. Just split yourselves into a couple of factions – how you do it doesn’t really matter, because words like ‘labour’, ‘liberal’, ‘conservative’ and ‘democrat’ have long since lost all meaning – and let each group present its arguments as the only sensible way whilst heaping scorn on the other parties’ versions of the same arguments. Nothing will change at the top, I assure you; but the little people in the west will feel so much happier buying your junk if they think Johnny Chinaman has the same illusory choices that they do.”

“And if some artist moans about human rights, well, let him,” Mr Cameron continued. “Nobody will pay the slightest attention to him. Despite all the rights my people have lost over the last 20 years, do you see any signs of bloody revolution in the UK? Just tell your people that bad men want to hurt them, and trust me - they’ll be queueing up to put their rights on a bonfire and dance round it, thanking you for their security.”

Torture Saved Bankers’ Lives, Grinning Chimp Tells Britain

You don't want to see what else he gets up to

The illegal use of waterboarding and other tortures on Iraqi prisoners undoubtedly saved the lives of Canary Wharf bankers who then went on to bankrupt the world, according to an chimpanzee called George who used to run the USA.

Since his replacement by a machine, George’s keepers have kept him away from the limelight in an enclosure in Texas, where he has mostly alternated his time between happily swinging in a tyre and masturbating vigorously.

However, George has also been experimentally taught to communicate, learning to smear his dung into primitive letters in return for a juicy mango, and anthropologists claim that he now has a vocabulary of almost 100 words.

“When he was President, George used to simply throw excrement at a map, go ‘eek’ and his advisors would invade that place and reward him with a banana,” said head keeper John E. Morris. “But now, for the first time, he is able to tell his amazing story in his own shitty words.”

According to George’s toilet daubs (appropriately reproduced in Rupert Murdoch’s lavatory paper, The Times) the inhumane mistreatment of Iraqi civilians by CIA torturers was entirely justified - partly because the information thus gained may have foiled a dastardly al-Qaeda plot to rid the world of London’s greediest corporate thieves, but chiefly because, as a chimp, he has no grasp of any concept beyond the immediate gratification of his own selfish desires.

“Tony give George big big banana,” daubed the shrieking chimp, in a faeces-strewn interview in today’s Times, before being taken away for eventual dissection in the United States.

World Saved From Disaster By New Arse Wrappers

If you think a £20 dress can make this look like Anna Friel, welcome to Asda

The most important news in the history of the world, as far as 50% of the population are concerned, broke today with the launch by Asda of a new range of tat which, they optimistically claim, takes into account women’s horrendous saggy arses.

“Despite increasingly strident threats of a joyless life of asexual celibacy from all corners of the media, the typical underclass slapper stubbornly persists in maintaining an imperfect set of buttocks,” explained a spokesman. “With that in mind we’ve designed the Wonderarse range of flimsy party-dress tat, which makes a futile tokenistic attempt to cover up the lumpy, man-frightening horror of British bumflaps. Although, to be brutally honest, most of you would need a plasterer.”

“In all likelihood, those words are probably far too long for our customer base,” he added. “So let me put it this way. Sling your wobbly arse into one of these dresses, girls, and premiership footballers – whom you fondly imagine are constantly trawling for fanny in the tawdry provincial knocking-shops where shrieking harpies like you piss it up – will fuck you bandy and get you in all the papers with loads of money and shit. Is that better?”

“Prices from £20, and sizes up to a slinky 20,” he added with a shudder. “They go to pieces after a bit of scrubbing, but then so do you.”

Government Tells God To Mind His Own Business

The Conservative party at prayer

Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith today told Dr Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, to ask God if He would kindly keep His nose out of things that don’t concern him and stick to saving Australians from exploding jet engines, after the archbishop called the government’s plan to force the unemployed into unpaid manual labour unfair and flawed.

"People often are in this starting place, not because they are wicked or stupid or lazy but because circumstances have been against them,” Dr Williams told the BBC, “And to drive that spiral deeper does seem a great problem."

“Dr Williams’ God is telling him to stick his oar into issues that are none of His business, like decency, humanity and the welfare of the poor, sick and vulnerable,” retorted Mr Duncan Smith. “Well, mine is telling me, through the pages of his glorious oracle, the Sun, to harass the holy living shit out of the lazy skiving bastards. And, unlike the archbishop, I have concrete proof that my god actually exists. So he can swivel on his crozier.”

“Hasn’t he got a tombola stall to run, or something?” he added.

Meanwhile, the Labour party, unions, charities and other organisations which nobody has much time for any more joined the church leader in condemning the proposals, as people on the second-lowest rung of society cheerfully set about kicking the people beneath them.

“I don’t see why I should pay taxes so these bastards in areas where there isn’t any work can sit around blatantly not doing the work that isn’t there, come to think of it I don’t see why I should pay any taxes at all,” said a badly-paid man with no job security who will be first in the queue to claim benefits when his temporary contract is cancelled later early next year. “Frankly, if you ask me, every welfare reform since the abolition of slavery has been a bit of a mistake.”

Radical Cameron Gives You The Power To Moan To Your MP

Don't let all this power go to your head now

Prime minister David Cameron today unveiled a radical new redistribution of power, in which members of the public will be empowered to run the country in the place of centralised government authority.

The vehicle for the most drastic devolution of power since the beheading of King Charles I will be a government website, http:// www.blahblahblah.gov.uk, on which every official department must henceforth display a fatuously upbeat mission statement, along with a selection of random target dates for incomprehensible, abstract outcomes.

“Instead of bureaucratic accountability to the government machine,” blathered Mr Cameron, “These business plans bring in a new system of accountability to the people.”

“That is the horizon shift we need,” he added meaninglessly, before going on to say that power would be handed to people, families and communities.

When asked exactly how this amazing new power would change anything, Mr Cameron inanely rambled: “For a long time, government’s default position has been to solve problems by hoarding more power to the centre - passing laws, creating regulations, setting up taskforces.”

Mr Cameron was then pinned to the floor by enraged reporters, who demanded to know how people, families and communities might step up to the worthy task of passing laws, creating regulations and setting up taskforces all by themselves.

“Well, they can write to their MP,” he mumbled. “He will then laugh briefly at their bumptious incoherence and atrocious illiteracy before sending a one-line reply thanking them for their concern and expressing the sincere hope that he can count on their vote at the next election.”

McLaren To Replace Button With Brazilian Policeman

Button has been promised Toy Story 3 if he behaves himself

After reigning F1 champion Jenson Button’s narrow escape from armed gunmen after qualifying a dismal 11th in the Brazilian Grand Prix, McLaren have surprised motor-racing aficionados by adding a passenger seat to his car and giving the wheel to the quick-thinking police driver who sped him to safety.

“Let’s face it, Jenson’s chances of retaining his title this year were wafer-thin even before we came to Interlagos this weekend,” admitted team principal Martin Whitmarsh, “And after his lame qualifying effort only managed to put the car on the sixth row of the grid, frankly there wasn’t a snowflake’s chance in hell of him hanging onto the championship.”

The team, however, was so impressed with the police driver - who reacted to the sudden appearance of gunmen, as Button and his entourage were stuck in a Sao Paulo traffic jam on the way back to the hotel, by gunning their bullet-proof Mercedes limo and recklessly barging other vehicles out of his path as he accelerated to safety – that they immediately offered him a contract to be Button’s race driver, starting immediately.

“It’s exactly the determination to get from A to B as swiftly as possible that Jenson so conspicuously lacks,” added Whitmarsh proudly.

While his anonymous driver is doggedly barging his way past title challengers Fernando Alonso, Sebastien Vettel, Mark Webber and team-mate Lewis Hamilton, Button will be sitting in the back seat with a stack of publicity photos and a biro.

“It’ll be nice to see Jenson doing something useful in a race for once,” admitted Whitmarsh, explaining that the pictures featured Lewis Hamilton, with Button under strict team orders to faithfully copy his team-mate’s signature onto them.

The biggest fear in the McLaren pit is that their new signing will lose valuable seconds by pulling Felipe Massa over and placing him under arrest, if he sees Massa blatantly allowing fellow Ferrari driver Alonso to overtake him.

Elections In Burma, Forced Labour In Britain

Britain takes its rightful place in the southern hemisphere

NASA experts are excitedly studying dramatic satellite images of the precise moment when the Earth suddenly turned upside down today.

“We were alerted to a slight wobble at the poles, coinciding with the opening of the first democratic elections in Burma in twenty years,” said excited geophysicist Randy von Braun. “The oscillations continued at a low level until Iain Duncan Smith unveiled his White Paper proposal to introduce forced manual labour for Britain’s unemployed, at which moment the entire planet suddenly flipped over and the northern hemisphere went south, and vice versa. We know that the Earth’s magnetic poles swap positions every few million years, but we never suspected that the actual poles could too.”

“This is the sort of thing you never expect to happen in your lifetime,” added Mr von Braun. “And the planet going ass over tit is a pretty bizarre phenomenon, too.”

‘Iron Fists’ Farrelly Taunts Police

Hurrell went down like a sack of shit in the first round, according to Farrelly supporters

The All-In Parliamentary Wrestling Champion, Labour MP Paul ‘Iron Fists’ Farrelly, today issued a scornful challenge to Westminster police to ask him questions about the one-sided fight which saw him take the title from John ‘Two Jags’ Prescott.

The raging Newcastle-under-Lyme MP spectacularly seized the crown on Thursday evening by smashing unranked outsider Bjorn Hurrell to the floor at a no-holds-barred karaoke party at parliament’s Sports & Social Club, to the delight of a capacity crowd.

“Decent people should not see their lives blighted by nuisance and anti-social behaviour, nor should our children be led astray by a mindless minority, but when some jumped-up nobody gets between me and my pint then a line has been crossed,” said Mr Farrelly after his brutal slugging match. “Any normal person who is capable of defending themselves would have done exactly as I did, and twatted the fucker.”

A police spokesman deeply regretted that no formal complaint had been received about the incident, but urged Mr Hurrell to come forward and press charges against the Labour slugger - who in the meantime has issued them with an invitation to come on, if they think they’re hard enough.

“The force legend that is PC Savage has already taken his trusty truncheon down off the trophy shelf, and he’s giving it a good polish,” said Scotland Yard. “It’s got a notch for every bolshie Trot he hospitalised back in the good old days of the miners’ strike and poll tax march. He’s getting on a bit now, but he assures the public that the old magic’s still there and he’d love nothing better than to bring in a Labour MP for a few clarifications before he hangs up his riot gear.”

Expert Skier Blasts MoD For Churlishly Demanding Blast Tests On Blast-Proof Vehicles

It looks like a Tonka toy, says the Duke, and they're jolly tough

Prince Andrew, the Duke of York – one of the world’s leading amateur experts on golf, skiing and polo – has launched a withering broadside at MoD officials for tiresomely demanding blast tests on a bomb-proof vehicle.

During a visit to the Universal Engineering factory in Dorset which makes the Ranger, the prince suddenly exploded without warning.

“I say, why do they need to do blast tests?” he burst out during an agreeable lunch. “It’s just increasing the cost.”

“Now look here, these bloody nice chaps here assure me that this chunky-looking thingy they make here really is a pretty tough sort of customer,” he spluttered indignantly. “Well, that’s good enough for me, so it jolly well ought to be good enough for those twerps at the MoD. They ought to get off their fat backsides and order a couple of thousand off these fellows right away, if you ask me.”

Prince Andrew added that, in his capacity as a trade ambassador for Britain, he had met thousands of businessmen for lunch and trusted every single one of them.

“All the gifts they’ve given me over the years seemed to work splendidly,” he chortled as his glass was refilled. “And why wouldn’t they? Nobody ever made money from selling rubbish.”

“I flew a helicopter in the Falklands, you know,” he added, between mouthfuls. “So I think I know whereof I speak, thank you.”

A second-hand car dealer in Liverpool subsequently invited the Duke of York to share a ploughman’s with him in his local, saying he can have a couple of dozen low-mileage Micras with a sheet of boiler plate welded to the floorpan ready in a week if they get the royal seal of approval.

BBC Journalists’ Strike Reveals Extent Of Dependency On Agency Newsfeeds

What is it these people actually do? muse BBC managers

With journalists from the BBC on a 48-hour strike, the extent to which its once-respected news service now relies on simply cutting and pasting content from news agencies like Reuters and Associated Press was revealed by its utterly unaffected website and teletext pages.

However, a sudden shortage of presenters capable of sitting on their backsides in a studio and reading aloud at a steady three words per second has forced the cancellation of Radio 4’s Today programme and several Radio 5 Live shows, a BBC manager told an agency journalist whose subsequent report was instantly pasted onto a web page by a non-striking BBC technician.

BBC Director General Mark Thompson fearlessly took to the blogosphere to tell the world: "We believe that much of the output on the BBC will be unaffected by this action.”

Viewers and listeners are now eagerly waiting for some sort of explanation of just what it is that the corporation’s 4,100 NUJ members actually do.