Traditional Chinese Medicine Helps Blind Man To Be Seen

Leading US spin doctors are today marvelling at the mysterious workings of traditional Chinese medicine, which has miraculously helped them to see a blind man sheltering in their embassy in Beijing.

A few pricks, and the pain has vanished

“There’s no rational explanation for it but hell, it works,” admitted an apologetic Dr Marilyn Strangelove, washing her hands after a complicated operation to save Hillary Clinton’s face tragically failed. “The Chinese swiftly applied a threat to the blind man’s family and suddenly, for the first time, we could see him quite clearly. And we didn’t feel a bit of pain during the extraction. We sure could learn a trick or two from these guys.”

Sceptics remain unconvinced, however, about the ethics of dishing out Chinese medicine, claiming that its unabashed practitioners cynically exploit the desire of the credulous to believe that the problem has magically gone away whilst beautiful, endangered creatures like the Lesser Spotted Human Rights Activist are cruelly ground into paste.

‘Decent, Hard-Working Families’ Exposed As Spiteful Daily Mail-Reading Desk Jockeys Contemplating Divorce

Look at the good, honest sweat pouring off him

A nationwide search for the ‘decent, hard-working families’ whose interests and approval are the driving force behind David Cameron's government has revealed that they are all sitting on their fat arses in front of a spreadsheet from nine to five, furiously whipping themselves up into a chorus of hate over the latest welfare-state atrocity which the Daily Mail has kindly brought to their attention, whilst mentally crossing off the days until their feeble-minded children are finally old enough to be told that mummy and daddy are sick and tired of tolerating each other’s selfish emotional and physical demands.

Mr Cameron, however, dismissed the findings as “irrelevant” as he seeks to drag the Lords and Europe kicking and screaming into the 21st century and abolish the outdated concepts of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and replace morality with the universal human values of ‘me’, ‘me’ and ‘me’.

Gaddafi Seen Strolling Down Tottenham Court Road

Like the bad penny

Fugitive Libyan tyrant Colonel Gaddafi has been seen by several thousand London shoppers and tourists, strolling down Tottenham Court Road looking for the best deal on an iPad and a bulk discount on rocket launchers, after Britain repealed a law that allowed ordinary citizens to arrest foreign politicians suspected of war crimes.

Under the old law, private individuals could start criminal prosecutions, including for international war crimes, simply by applying to a magistrate for an arrest warrant. Under that system, tiresome activists who insist on taking some sort of an interest in the world apart from football and trying to look sixteen forever had vowed to arrest former US secretary of state Henry Kissinger, Chinese Communist Party official Bo Xilai and Israeli foreign minister Tzipi Livni.

Justice secretary Ken Clarke explained: “Clearly, with Britain confirmed as the second most lucrative weapons dealership in the world, it’s bloody inconvenient for foreign murderers to shop here if they’ve got to drag around some dreadlocked soap-dodger who’s taken it upon himself to handcuff himself to their ankles.”

“Or worse, Peter Tatchell,” he added grimly. “Back in 1999 the police had to prise the bugger off Robert Mugabe with a crowbar, and the upshot of that little incident saw Zimbabwe’s white farmers having to suffer the double indignity of getting beaten to death with bloody French riot batons.”

Why You Don’t Want Human Rights (© All Newspapers)

Hands up if you want the Human Rights Act repealed

1. They are unspeakably foreign.

2. You, dear reader, are as pure as the driven snow and have never, ever broken the law and would never dream of doing so - not even if it was a silly, petty law you didn’t even know about, like ripping CDs you’ve paid for to your MP3 player or swearing at a cold-calling telesales monkey.

3. Each and every British police officer is cloned from the combined DNA of Miss Marple and Jeeves, and is therefore utterly infallible and absolutely beyond reproach.

4. Nick Clegg likes them.

5. Why shouldn’t our impeccably moral newspapers poke their cameras and microphones anywhere they damn well please, including your voicemail? After all, you’ve got nothing to hide.

UN Urged To Act Against Hated Cameron Kleptocracy

With the kleptocratic British regime of David Cameron now threatening to cut off communications and deploy the army against its own civilians, the UN Security Council is to meet in emergency session later to discuss what action the international community should take against the isolated rogue state as it teeters on the brink of civil war.

Give him a good kick up the assets

“For years now, the downtrodden people of the United Kingdom have endured a permanent state of emergency, with the government cynically whipping up a state of fear against a constantly-touted threat which is, in reality, almost entirely fictitious,” observed former Cameron ally King Abdullah of Jordan, who is leading calls to topple the hated despot. “Now, when the voice of the people makes itself heard, Cameron falls back on the traditional tools of the tyrant – denying his people their freedom of speech, and threatening to send armed troops against unarmed civilians.”

“We implore the civilised nations of the world to boycott British goods until Cameron and his loot-laden government are toppled,” echoed King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. “As of today, for example, my government is cancelling all orders for British military hardware and will be buying US and French weapons instead.”

Bahrain’s King Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa, meanwhile, called on the UN Security Council to authorise the assembly of a coalition force to deny the British Army’s capacity to subjugate the cowering population, by targeting its depots and barracks with all-out strikes. Others, however, have counselled against precipitate bombing, preferring to wait and see if the rank-and-file troops will rise up against their privileged officer class and refuse to obey orders to assault the impoverished ghettoes from which so many of them are recruited.

The American UN delegate, however, commented: “WTF?”

Chinese Premier Presses Cameron On Human Rights

Spot the oppressor

Chinese premier Wen Jiabao insisted today that human rights were “not off limits” after holding talks with prime minister David Cameron.

As the two leaders announced a package of trade deals worth £1.4 billion, the Chinese leader said he would always raise difficult questions about political freedom and the justice system alongside seeking closer economic ties. Meanwhile, Mr Wen said Britain and Beijing had to treat each other as "equals" on human rights.

“The Chinese people are appalled by the enthusiastic beatings meted out by your thuggish Metropolitan Police against unarmed protesters, and their deplorable mass detention tactics,” he told an inscrutably smiling Mr Cameron, “Not to mention your denial of legal redress for millions of ordinary British peasants, who are monitored constantly by the most comprehensive surveillance camera network in the world. And how can you have the bare-faced cheek to call yourselves civilised when your so-called free press routinely publishes government-sanctioned propaganda demonising the sick and the disabled, and your state denies them the treatment they need while your super-rich friends are cosseted in exclusive private hospitals?”

“No offence, mate,” he added, as Mr Cameron resolutely maintained a fixed grin for the world’s cameras.

Legal Aid To Be Available To Tramps Only

How to qualify for legal aid in future

Injustice secretary Ken Clarke vowed today to press ahead with slashing cuts to Britain’s legal aid system, which will mean that only homeless vagabonds will qualify for free legal assistance in future.

Under Mr Clarke’s axe, legal aid will no longer be available for employment disputes, housing issues, clinical negligence claims or divorce and custody battles – and, in the few cases where it may still be offered, anyone with disposable assets worth more than £1,000 will not qualify.

“The message is this: if you own more than the clothes you stand up in, you will have to bankrupt yourself if you want to stand up for yourself,” scoffed Mr Clarke. “If you don’t, you will be shafted out of a job and out of your home, and your health will be ruined.”

“But look on the bright side,” he smiled. “You’ll be driven barmy and destitute - and once you’re reduced to living out of a shopping trolley and shouting at passing cars, you’ll finally have reached the point where you qualify for legal aid.”

LibDems Find And Destroy Last Remaining Shred Of Credibility

Deputy PM Nick Clegg wept for joy today, as business secretary Vince Cable – the only remaining Liberal Democrat in the disgraced party thought to retain any trace of liberalism – warned the unions that the strongest anti-union laws in Europe would have to tightened up if they actually tried to exercise their few remaining rights to strike.

No more Mr Nice Guy

The avuncular economist told jeering delegates at the GMB union’s conference that it was all right if, say, a small-scale walkout or two took place in a minor provincial town or two – but if any strike action should affect one of Rupert Murdoch’s journalists in even the most minor way, as an elected representative of the people he would be left with no alternative but to do whatever the Sun says.

“The pressure on us to act would ratchet up,” he warned, as trade unionists booed and hissed. "That is something which both you, and certainly I, would want to avoid, as I rather like my ministerial salary and the car and stuff.”

“Believe it or not, neither we nor the Tories are that keen to make all forms of industrial action illegal, because that would mean outlawing a basic human right that no Western leader since Hitler has dared to abolish,” he added, as the stage filled up with cabbages. “Nevertheless, I want you to realise that Mr Rupert Murdoch is very taken by the idea. Sorry, brother. I just do what I’m told, and so will you.”

Despicable Gaddafi Stoops To Firing Exploding Kittens Into Rebel-Held Territory

Run like fuck

Colonel Gaddafi is such a bastard that he has now resorted to stuffing nitroglycerine-laced kittens into a tube and firing them out of mortars, insisted a photojournalist who also happens to be a munitions expert. The twisted tyrant’s last defiant hope is that the dazed, piteously mewing kittens will be picked up by tender-hearted rebel children, only to explode murderously when cuddled.

“This use of banned pet-based munitions shows the world exactly what a sick fuck Gaddafi is,” said Human Rights Watch, one of whose photographers saw three mortar shells burst in the air and drew the only possible conclusion.

“You know, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if this were God’s own truth,” said a NATO spokesman. “In fact, we wouldn’t put it past Gaddafi to put tiny mustard-gas canisters inside Kinder Surprises and cynically catapult them into rebel-held playgrounds. He really is a shit, and this is exactly why we are so keen to interpret UN Resolution 1973 as some sort of mandate for regime change.”

He went on to explain that there is no way that what the photographer saw could have been nothing more sinister than normal air-burst mortar shells exploding over the heads of enemy forces through the use of a simple time fuse, which – according to a few hundred thousand sources - have been widely used since the First World War.

“My word, what an active imagination you’ve got,” he laughed scornfully. “No, it can only be clusterkittens. Anything else is pure science fiction.”

Public Don’t Deserve The Right To Vote, Say Prison Inmates

Prisoners today expressed anger and outrage at the thought that the general public should be allowed to vote in elections, after hearing that the people of Britain not only showed no remorse for illegally denying prisoners their human rights, but arrogantly boasted that they intend to keep reoffending in future.

“I only done over a post office - well, awright, six,” complained ‘Fingers’ McGee, who is serving twelve years in HMP High Down for armed robbery, “But I never ‘urt no-one, right? These buggers, though, they just ain’t like decent crims. This bunch don’t fink nuffink of denyin’ basic ‘uman rights to anyone they don’t like the look of. They bin gittin’ away wiv it for years, an’ now they bin cort bang to rights it’s like they fink the law don’t apply to them, like they’re above it or summink. They’ll just carry on breakin’ international law an’ larffin’ about it, unless somebody stops their lark good an’ proper.”

Scum like this don't deserve votes, say disgusted prisoners

“First they start bangin’ on abaht crims an’ getting’ away wiv it,” he warned. “Pretty soon they’ll start takin’ ‘uman rights off of uvvers wot can’t defend theirselfs, like the doleys and the disabled, and pretty soon it’ll be anyone else they dun’t partic’ly take a shine to. Where’s it gunna end, eh? Answer me that.”

Stepping out of the shower block naked and proud, legendary criminal Big Ron expressed total agreement. “I just done a bit of GBH ‘ere an’ there – well OK, an’ the odd murder - an’ I’m genuinely sorry an’ all, even if them fackers wuz arskin’ for it. This crahd, this general public mob, see, ’ahss a different matter. They dahn’ give a monkeys abaht fair play, decency or ‘uman dignity. No ifs, no buts - they robs yer of yer right to vote for the poncy twat of yer choice – an’ they dun’ even see naffink wrong wiv it!”

“They awter be locked up in ‘eah wiv me, I tell yer,” he suggested. “They’d soon be squealin’ faw their bladdy rights.”

“Speshly the ones wot fink ver ‘ard,” he smiled grimly, casually flicking a wet towel. “I lavs a challenge.”

Meanwhile, shocked liberal European democracies are wondering what to do about a rogue element in their midst which defiantly continues to crow about its illegal activities.

“It seems pretty obvious that a fine isn’t an effective deterrent,” said a worried Denmark. “With habitual offenders like the British, the only punishment that’s got any chance of making them stop and think about what they’re doing is a custodial sentence. They should be locked away for a very long time, so decent countries can go about their lawful business without facing constant abuse, threats and violence from an ignorant, brutal gang of yobboes who clearly have no intention of respecting the rules and customs of civilised society.”

Elections In Burma, Forced Labour In Britain

Britain takes its rightful place in the southern hemisphere

NASA experts are excitedly studying dramatic satellite images of the precise moment when the Earth suddenly turned upside down today.

“We were alerted to a slight wobble at the poles, coinciding with the opening of the first democratic elections in Burma in twenty years,” said excited geophysicist Randy von Braun. “The oscillations continued at a low level until Iain Duncan Smith unveiled his White Paper proposal to introduce forced manual labour for Britain’s unemployed, at which moment the entire planet suddenly flipped over and the northern hemisphere went south, and vice versa. We know that the Earth’s magnetic poles swap positions every few million years, but we never suspected that the actual poles could too.”

“This is the sort of thing you never expect to happen in your lifetime,” added Mr von Braun. “And the planet going ass over tit is a pretty bizarre phenomenon, too.”

Employers Urge Government To Drag Britain Faster Into 19th Century

Strike? How dare you? Be off with you, and damn your impudence

Captains of industry at the Chartered Institute of Hirelings and Firings have lately taken time out from being fitted for top hats and frock coats, to issue a sternly-worded demand that the government ought to prevaricate no longer, but discharge forthwith its ordained duty of ridding the empire once and for all of the stalking spectre of ‘workers’ rights’.

“We of property and means have - as the popular saying would have it - ‘placed our ears to the ground’; and by such means have we been able to discern incontestable evidence that, as I yet speak, godless trade union agitators are conspiring secretly to compel every honest labourer in this great country to down tools and cease their toils in the month of September; this leading to the swift collapse of corpses; unburied rubbish; and law and order piled high in the streets – ‘pon my soul, I knew I ought not to have partaken of that one last sherry for luck before I rose to speak,” a Mr. Horace Winterbottom, gentleman, told representatives of the third estate. “Mark my words, sirs - and mark them well; their base treachery will lay our fair shores wide open to the rapacious French.”

“Heed this warning, O Albion!” he cried, “Unless Her Britannic Majesty’s loyal statesmen in the Palace of Westminster act decisively, and with all speed, to outlaw strikes; to round up the ringleaders forthwith; and, without further ado, to transport the villainous miscreants to the Antipodes in fetters; why, then I fear we must, with heavy hearts, be forced to close up and dismantle our manufactories and mills, upon which the nation’s acknowledged superiority is founded; and ship our magnificent machinery to a new home in the distant lands of Cathay. God save the Queen!”

The Prime Minister, the Rt. Hon.Mr. Cameron, solemnly agreed that the anarchist threat posed by sinister agitators mingling with patriotic, industrious workers was indeed a most disagreeable vexation; not only to himself and his ministers of state, but also to his honourable Whig counterpart, Mr. Clegg.

The tiny, disreputable cabal of elected Fabianists sat scowling all the while; but words came there none.

Cameron ‘Goddamned Angry’ Over EU Reluctance To Admit Turkey

A mere week after visiting the United States, British PM and respected world statesman David Cameron has hit out at EU delays in processing Turkey’s application to join, declaring: “I’m here to constructionalize the case for Turkey’s freakin’ membership of your piss-ant EU. And to kick ass for it.”

Reading from his notes on a sheet of 10” x 8” paper, Mr Cameron went on to tell his fellow European leaders: “Okay, so they slam journalists in jail for criticalisin’ the administration. Okay, so they’re winnin’ the hearts and minds of their Kurdish ethnics with shock and awe. Okay, so they illegalize any political party their generals don’t take a shine to. Blah, blah, blah. Well, boo friggin’ hoo.”

“On the additive side, hell do they hate commies,” he went on. “As paid-up members of NATO, those red-hatin’ bastards done given us read our trusty US allies carte blanche to set up airbases and listening posts anywhere we read they friggin’ well please. And they’re about the only muthafuckin’ Ay-rabs who don’t figger on exterminatin’ our Israeli buddies, note check status and delete if necessary.”

Mr Cameron dismissed claims that he was merely expressing the United States’ desire for an extra voting hand with which to interfere in Europe’s internal affairs, scoffing: “Get outa here! If these words don’t sum up 110% the feelings of the British people, well, you can call me whitey.”

As soon as he has finished explaining Britain’s completely independent vision for Europe, Mr Cameron is due to fly to India - where he will add Britain to the sub-continent’s countless throng of destitute beggars.

Stephen Fry Makes Impassioned Plea For 64Gb

Past-its-sell-by-date panel game host Stephen Fry today threw his last remaining shreds of credibility to the wind as he fearlessly led a demonstration in support of inhuman conditions for Chinese workers outside the flagship Apple Store in London.

“Gooooooooooooooooooooood morning, good morning, good morning! I’m Stephen Fry,” oozed Britain’s leading polymath to an unaccountably self-important till operative, “Have you got a shimmery-shiny new 64Gb iPad with 3G, piping hot and freshly furnished straight from the mysterious land of Cathay, where its unfathomably sumptuous workings were amassed and assembled by inscrutably suicidal drones whose wretched lives are nowhere near as fabulously replete with exquisite loveliness as my own humble existence?”

“And I won’t take 32Gb for an answer!” chortled the mellifluous star of Kingdom, ITV1’s ground-breaking drama about a fat solicitor.

Moments later, the jowly intellectual giant of BBC1 emerged to rousing cheers, waving his prized toy computer above his head and promising to put it to immediate use by taunting his pet idiot Alan Davies, who is still desperately struggling to fathom the correct usage of the % button on the calculator he bought in secondary school – although, unlike his effusive owner, he does seem to have a faint idea that there may be something not quite right about a factory where almost half a million people regularly work 12-hour shifts before being taken back to the dormitory compound to either collapse in a state of despondent exhaustion or hurl themselves off the roof to a welcome death.

Hippocratic Oath To Be Replaced By Hitlercratic Oath

The General Medical Council has today issued new guidelines to Britain's doctors, telling them to abandon the basic principles of medical confidentiality on which the entire healthcare sector rests, and share your medical details with anyone they, in their Godlike wisdom, decide might like to see them.

"There's no need for the idiot public to worry their stupid heads about this," scowled Jane Strangelove, the GMC's head of standards and ethics, who came up with the proposals after reading a book about Nazi medical experiments. "As far as they know, this is all about reducing knife crime. Quite how grassing up somebody who chopped their fingertip off as they were dicing carrots will do that, we don't really know - but people who aren't doctors are notoriously stupid, so no doubt the Sun will come up with some fuzzy logic to paper over the cracks."

Under the new plans, GPs will also be able to notify a policeman sitting in the corner of the consulting room if they think a patient has committed, or may commit, a crime.

"Ever since the infallible Dr Watson gave his invaluable assistance to the world's leading detective, the professional medic's aptitude for detecting crime even before it occurs has been well-documented," screamed the black-uniformed Ms Strangelove. "We have access to key medical information, such as the tell-tale shape of criminals' heads and their racial characteristics, which our onerous but well-rewarded responsibility as servants of the all-powerful state compels us to hand over to the police, so they can better carry out their honourable duty of locking people up for crimes they haven't committed."

GPs will also be urged to release confidential information about patients' hereditary conditions to any or all of their relatives, regardless of the patient's wishes.

"Let us imagine that a patient has a terrible genetic disorder which they could pass on to their children, such as autism, ginger hair or a tendency to run to fat in their thirties," screeched Ms Strangelove, thumping the rostrum for emphasis. "Does a doctor not have the moral right - indeed, the moral imperative - to warn their partner and in-laws that the sub-human cripples doomed to issue from this miscegenated union will be nothing but a burden on them and, more importantly, the state?"

Doctors, police chiefs and NHS budget managers leapt to their feet and cheered their support for the new proposals, before rushing back to their practices to weed out the enemies of the state.

MPs Call For Intermediaries To Stand Between Police And Protesters And Get Hit

The influential parliamentary Joint Committee on Human Rights has criticised the police handling of the G20 protests, and is calling for intermediaries to be introduced as a means of enhancing communication between police and protesters at future demonstrations.

"There were obvious problems with this policing operation," said chair Andrew Dismal. "It did not help that communication was so poor between police and protesters. Obviously, introducing an extra layer of communication in the heat of the moment will alleviate this problem completely."

Under the committee's proposals, any police officer wishing to strike a protester to the ground with his baton - or fire a baton round, or simply kill them - must attract the attention of an authorised intermediary, who will then struggle through the turbulent crowd towards the flashpoint. When they arrive, the police officer will then apply restraining, vindictive or lethal force directly to the intermediary, who will then make every effort to let the protester know what is taking place.

"The protester will then say 'Ow' - or some such similar expression of pain and shock - to the intermediary, who will pass the message on to the police officer," explained Mr Dismal. "The officer in question will acknowledge the exchange by jotting it down in his notebook, before moving on to deal with the next incident."

The Association of Chief Police Officers has said it will examine the committee's proposals.

"As long as our officers get some sort of outlet for their aggression, there shouldn't be a problem," said a spokesman. "We're not particular. We'll cheerfully twat anyone, as Ian Tomlinson's family will be only too happy to tell you."

Much-Calmed Iranians Thank Ayatollah For Kindly Telling Them What To Think

Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khameneiac, has held a mass public rally, urging disgruntled voters to respect the ballots or, failing that, to respect the bullets currently being loaded into magazines by itchy-fingered Revolutionary Guards.

In a speech addressed directly to thousands of his supporters, who had been bussed into Tehran University from hardline strongholds outside the capital, the Ayatollah said that Britain was "the most evil" of the country's enemies, accusing Gordon Brown of organising unrest in Iran. The British government later summoned the Iranian ambassador to point out that Gordon Brown was obviously incapable of organising the opening of his own flies before taking a leak, let alone fomenting mass protests in a hostile country thousands of miles away.

Ayatollah Khameneiac then told his mindslaves that Allah had revealed to him the evil machinations of American president Barack Obama, in which millions of CIA agents had been parachuted into Iran to vote for Mir Hussein Mousavi. He also accused the Pentagon of developing an anti-Islamic smart bomb that would make the burqa transparent, rendering Iranian men incapable of doing anything but drooling with perverted lust and desperately clutching their trousers.

Throughout the Supreme Dalek's speech, defeated candidate Mr Mousavi sat a few feet from his sworn rival, the victorious President Ahmedinejad, furtively scanning the hall for possible exits.

Meanwhile, an Iranian woman who asked whether she might one day be invited to vote was democratically beaten to death by her loving owner.

Government Snooping Bad, Corporate Snooping Good

The Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, has announced the scrapping of controversial plans to store a copy of your entire life in a government database.

Instead - she revealed - every last detail of everything you do, say and think will be recorded by private companies and used for marketing purposes, in the unlikely event that it fails to prove that you are a subversive terrorist bent on the extermination of the human race.

"We in the National Socialist British Labour Party decided some time ago that the only way to protect your traditional, hard-won freedom was to sweep away your traditional, hard-won freedom," explained the Reichsminister. "But then a few troublemakers started wailing about 1984-style totalitarian government, which presented the Department for Community Singing, Fat Reduction and Propaganda with a bit of a ticklish problem - at least, until we can come up with a plausible-sounding reason to abolish voting, in the interests of national security."

"Then our great friends in the private sector came up with a brilliant wheeze," she went on. "They said: 'Look, we already know everybody's details, from dietary preferences to inside-leg measurements, and they seem reasonably OK with that. How about you let us spy on their emails and phone calls too? Then you can quietly buy the info off us, and cover up the transaction with the usual guff about commercial confidentiality.' It's beautiful - the government's hands are clean, for very little effort our pals at BT, Serco and EDS make a handsome profit out of the very taxpayers they're grassing up, and I get my claws into everyone's private affairs. Everybody wins!"

Ms Smith was, however, keen to emphasise that the scheme was only a temporary measure. "If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear," she smiled. "Once we've done away with all you terrorists, you perverts, you criminals, you protesters, you free thinkers, you unemployed, you disabled, you non-Party members and you dissidents - only then will you be truly free at last."

"I heard that," she added.

Guantanamo Captive Free At Last... er... Hang On... No He Isn't

Binyam Mohammed, the British resident tortured and held without charge, trial or basic human rights for four years at Guantanamo Bay, has flown into the UK this afternoon - where he was immediately detained by immigration officials on duty at that well-known international airport, RAF Northolt, under Port and Border Controls regulations.

"I'd like to thank the British government for making me feel so at home," said an overjoyed Mr Mohammed as he was hauled away. "If I was simply given my liberty - or even properly arrested by the due process of law - the sudden, overwhelming feeling of being treated like a human being at last would probably be too much to handle."

Government to Cripple UN Disabled Rights Convention

Britain has been criticised by a select committee of MPs for its failure to ratify the UN Convention on disability rights, which sets out to guarantee equal treatment for disabled people. The government says it is seeking several opt-outs from the convention and hopes to ratify the convention - or bits of it, at any rate - by Spring, but has provided scant detail about its reservations.

The Joint Select Committee on Human Rights also voiced its disappointment at the government's failure to adequately consult - or even inform - the disabled about which rights it felt were too good for them.

However, the government responded by pointing out that the government was very sympathetic towards the disabled.

"Look at our record," said a spokesman. "What other country is led by a man with so many physical and mental disabilities? Gordon Brown is blind to his own faults, deaf to criticism, and has a chronic difficulty in learning from his mistakes. His face is paralysed into a permanent scowl, he has a complete lack of empathy with ordinary people, he is totally unable to understand the consequences of his actions, and he has constructed a bizarre delusional fantasy in his head in which he has single-handedly saved the world. Despite all of this, he has - purely by his own efforts, because nobody actually wanted him - risen to the exalted position of prime minister. Britain is clearly a fantastic country in which to be disabled - who needs rights anyway?"