Torture Saved Bankers’ Lives, Grinning Chimp Tells Britain

You don't want to see what else he gets up to

The illegal use of waterboarding and other tortures on Iraqi prisoners undoubtedly saved the lives of Canary Wharf bankers who then went on to bankrupt the world, according to an chimpanzee called George who used to run the USA.

Since his replacement by a machine, George’s keepers have kept him away from the limelight in an enclosure in Texas, where he has mostly alternated his time between happily swinging in a tyre and masturbating vigorously.

However, George has also been experimentally taught to communicate, learning to smear his dung into primitive letters in return for a juicy mango, and anthropologists claim that he now has a vocabulary of almost 100 words.

“When he was President, George used to simply throw excrement at a map, go ‘eek’ and his advisors would invade that place and reward him with a banana,” said head keeper John E. Morris. “But now, for the first time, he is able to tell his amazing story in his own shitty words.”

According to George’s toilet daubs (appropriately reproduced in Rupert Murdoch’s lavatory paper, The Times) the inhumane mistreatment of Iraqi civilians by CIA torturers was entirely justified - partly because the information thus gained may have foiled a dastardly al-Qaeda plot to rid the world of London’s greediest corporate thieves, but chiefly because, as a chimp, he has no grasp of any concept beyond the immediate gratification of his own selfish desires.

“Tony give George big big banana,” daubed the shrieking chimp, in a faeces-strewn interview in today’s Times, before being taken away for eventual dissection in the United States.

End of the Line for President Bush

Barack Obama's first duty as President was the customary disposal of the rubbish, and he fulfilled the task with aplomb, swiftly grabbing his bewildered predecessor George W Bush by the arm and frogmarching him out of the Capitol's service entrance to where a ceremonial garbage truck was waiting.

To rousing cheers, the newest incumbent of the White House dutifully delivered the traditional bitch-slap with obvious enthusiasm, and then dumped the discarded First Citizen head-first into the Presidential wheelie bin.

Mr Bush was then taken to the Washington City Dump, mechanically compacted and tipped into a huge landfill site.

God Saves Yet Another Airliner

God is once again basking in headline glory, after single-handedly saving all 155 passengers and crew aboard the US Airways Airbus that came down in the Hudson River yesterday.

"It's nothing less than a miracle," said damp-but-intact passenger José Credialos. "If our merciful Lord and Saviour hadn't taught emergency procedures to the pilot, designed flotation chambers into the wings, and given us the gift of boats, I'd surely be in bloody chunks at the bottom of the river right now. Yes sir, I sure would like to shake Almighty God by the hand."

Reporters were swift to praise the pilot, Chesley B Sullenberger III, for having the humility to sit back and allow our Blessed Redeemer to fly the stricken A320 airliner safely down to a perfect ditching.

"I had nothing whatever to do with this," New York's Mayor Michael Bloomberg told a press conference. "But I'd like to thank God for this heaven-sent opportunity to bask in the media spotlight as if I did."

God-fearing air accident investigators say their investigation will focus on the possibility that the airliner's engines suffered catastrophic failure after ingesting a flock of geese shortly after take-off.

"It's too early to say anything for definite at this stage," said chief investigator Pastor Faith Gottlieb. "But it's quite likely that our list of recommendations to the civil aviation authorities will highlight the need for kneelers behind every seat, the singing of hymns during take-off, cruise and landing and the presence of an ordained minister of the Lord on every flight deck."

Meanwhile, outgoing President George W Bush told the nation that he had awarded the Lord a nice shiny medal for His miraculous intervention, and promised that America would leave no stone unturned in its search for the twisted minds behind the cowardly suicide-goose attack.

"Even as I speak, experts from the Office of Homeland Security are combing world maps for Goosistan," he warned. "One last big invasion before I go sure would send me off in style."

Blair Strolls In, Solves Middle East Crisis

The peace representative of the Four Powers to the Middle East, Tony Blair, has suddenly appeared from nowhere - strangely enough, as coincidence would have it, on the very day that President Bush told the world he was giving Mr Blair the Presidential medal of Freedom - and announced that he has worked out the solution to the Israeli assault on the Gaza Strip.

"Look. It's very simple," grinned Mr Blair. "All you have to do is cut off the weapons supply from Egypt to Hamas. I haven't worked out the details. Gosh, do you realise the pressure I'm under to write an acceptance speech for this wonderful shiny medal, which my very good friend George is giving me in a week's time in recognition of my great work in bringing freedom, democracy and human rights to the whole world? No, don't laugh."

On hearing Tony Blair's revelation, the US President immediately announced plans to close off the supply of arms to Hamas - by invading Egypt immediately.

"And if Egypt's neighbours, Libya and Sudan, try to supply it with arms - hell, we'll invade them too," he laughed. "Why not? I want to go out on a high note. Freedom, democracy, human rights - I'll bring them to the people of the Eastern Mid, if it kills them."

When asked whether, in the interests of balance, he would consider cutting off Israel's supply of weapons from the United States as well, Mr Bush just looked confused.

'Now Look Here,' Brown Warns Israelis

Israel was said to be seriously considering withdrawing its army from the Gaza Strip after Gordon Brown finally decided to open his mouth and say something about their campaign against Hamas, now in its second week.

"This is serious international criticism," said repentant Israeli President Shimon Peres. "When it was just that little twerp Miliband making bleating noises, naturally we took no notice of whatever it was he was saying. And when people all over the world demonstrated the strength of their opposition to our indiscriminate bombing raids by taking to the streets yesterday, we just laughed at them and sent in the tanks as well. But when a statesman of the stature and gravitas of Gordon Brown says, 'Now then, now then' - well, we have to sit up and listen."

Mr Brown's wise words suggest a rift in UK-US attitudes to Israel, coming less than a day after almost-time-expired US President George W Bush said Israel could do whatever it liked, and he would blame Hamas alone for everything.

"Look at history," said the President . "Everyone says, like, 'Oh, Hitler was a bad guy' for invading Poland in 1939. But we should also recall that he was forced into it by the blatant aggression of the terrorist Polish government in refusing to let the peace-loving Nazis goose-step their way through to Danzig whenever they felt like it. World War II? I blame the Poles."

"And a Merry Christmas to You," Bush Thanks Iraqi For Thoughtful Shoe Gift

As he flies home from his unannounced photo-opportunity in Iraq, US President George Bush is reported to be very pleased with the gift of a nice pair of shiny shoes from a local journalist.

The unnamed Iraqi reporter delivered the early Christmas present at high velocity at a press conference. He was immediately surrounded by an appreciative group of security guards, who congratulated him on his seasonal offering by good-naturedly slapping him on the back, face, groin and kidneys while the beaming president looked on.

Mr Bush had previously been participating in a festive party game with the Iraqi government on Saturday to see who could come up with the silliest word. The US team were declared the winners, after Defense Secretary Robert Gates reduced players to tears of laughter with his straight-faced claim that the process of "drawdown" had begun.

US Outlaws Captain Jack Sparrow

The US government has added the Walt Disney Corporation to its list of terrorist organisations, as latter-day buccaneers inspired by its smash hit “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie franchise anchored their latest prize, the giant oil tanker Sirius Star, off the coast of war-torn Somalia.

“The time for talking is over,” said President George W Bush. “These films consitute nothing less than a terrorist training manual. As I speak, Disney employees are being rounded up and sent to Gunatanamo Bay, where they will no doubt appreciate the bright colours of the detainees’ uniforms. Anyone who has rented, bought or downloaded any of these evil films is advised to wait in their homes until federal agents arrive to arrest them. We’ve been patient up until now - after all, Condy and I crapped ourselves laughing when that shipment of Russian tanks got captured without a shot being fired - but now these evil pirates have their hooks on our lovely, lovely oil, and that makes me really pissed.”

Asked whether a more viable solution might be to utilise a small part of the world’s largest floating arsenal to mount some kind of meaningful patrols in the dangerous coastal waters off East Africa - perhaps using some of those huge aircraft carriers whose hangars were bulging with AWACS radar planes, assault helicopters and strike bombers - to make the world‘s oceans safe for international commerce, the President placed his fingers in his ears and sang loudly.

Storm in a Teacup

George W Bush has expressed his disappointment at the lacklustre performance of Hurricane Gustav, which missed the abandoned ghost town of New Orleans and has now been downgraded to a Category One storm.

“I passed up the Republican party convention for this?” complained the president, who went to Austin, Texas with vice-president Dick Cheney in order to get a ringside view of the anticipated devastation. “I missed the show here three years ago, but I came down afterwards and everywhere you looked there was utter devastation. It looked like it musta been awesome. Back then, everyone was saying I oughta have been there sooner, so this time I took their advice and booked in advance. Well, thanks for nothing, losers - I missed out on a standing ovation from my loyal, drooling fanclub, thanks to you.”

Meanwhile, British TV screens are filled with images of rain-lashed streets in America, taking viewers’ minds off the rain-lashed streets outside their windows.

Along with every other UK news provider, the Nev Filter sent its top reporter to New Orleans hoping for shocking live coverage of marauding looter gangs and corpses floating in the floodwaters.

“The fact that I’m standing here, soaking wet, on a blustery New Orleans street instead of being flung dramatically into the stratosphere indicates what a damp squib this story has turned out to be,” he reported via his mobile phone. “I said last week, you should have sent me to the Caribbean. Hold on, there’s a chap over there struggling with a collapsed umbrella, do you want me to interview him? Sir, you’ve lost your temper completely and your brolly is in ruins. Do you think the authorities should do more to help?”

Meanwhile, oil companies rubbed their hands together in glee as they found yet another spurious excuse for raising their prices.

US Message to Russia Demonstrates Woeful Lack of Self-Critical Irony

US President George W Bush has condemned Russia for “bullying and intimidation” over its actions in Georgia, and demanded that it withdraw all of its black kettles from South Ossetia and Abkhazia by the end of the week.

Speaking from the White House, the President said that “Bullying and intimidation are not acceptable ways to conduct foreign policy in the twenty-first century.” The press conference was, however, brought to a premature close by a smoke alarm, thought to have been set off by the President’s smouldering trousers.

“We’ve just stuck a shitload of our nuclear teapots in Poland, Russkies, and they’re pointing at you!” he added, as aides swiftly extinguished the blaze in the seat of his pants. “Whaddya think of that?”

Russia’s Prime Minister, Vladimir the Impaler, reported that President Sooty Medvedev said he did not want to damage relations with other countries, but Russia had to fulfil its peacekeeping mandate by killing lots of civilians.

“That’s how the Americans keep the peace in the twenty-first century, is it not?” he smiled.

Meanwhile, five hours of talks have resulted in a ceasefire agreement, brokered by France, in which the Russians have agreed to park up for the night, on the understanding that Georgia disbands its army, navy and air force by 6pm and hands all of its military equipment over to the Russians, complete with all relevant operating manuals and warranty cards.

Stop Press: Number Ten Hostage Crisis

Reports are starting to come in of a hostage situation in Downing Street.

Police say that American presidential candidate Barack Obama - just arrived in the UK as part of his European fact-finding tour - is being held at gunpoint by a desperate Prime Minister.

It appears that Barack Obama, visiting the Prime Minister on the British leg of his European tour, was standing outside Number Ten waving at the cameras when the door suddenly opened, and a haggard-looking Gordon Brown grabbed him by the neck, put a gun to his head and dragged him inside.

The police who surround the building surrounded the building immediately, and waited for Mr Brown to make his demands. Meanwhile, in the United States, President George Bush was said to be watching the unfolding drama with interest, a mug of coffee and his feet up on his desk.

Eventually, a note was pushed under the famous black door of Number Ten. According to police, it said: “I’m still Prime fucking Minister. Unless the class traitors of Glasgow apologise for their crass ingratitude, rerun the election and vote Labour within the next 24 hours, I will blow this Yank bastard to kingdom come - leaving the way clear for Hillary Clinton to become next president of the United States. I’ve got parliamentary privilege, the pigs can’t touch me for it.”

While constitutional experts debated whether there was any historical precedent in the annals of British politics for arresting a serving Prime Minister for kidnap and murder, the United States government issued a stern warning.

“While removing Senator Obama from the equation and leaving American voters with a choice between John McCain and a mad, ranting liar wouldn’t unduly worry the Republican Party,” said a White House spokesman, “The President feels that an attack upon any American citizen - even a black one, and a Democrat to boot - constitutes an attack upon the whole of America. He is therefore putting the Lakenheath Strike Wing into the air, ready to bring shock, awe and about thirty fuel-air bombs to the City of Westminster unless the terrorist Brown releases Senator Obama unharmed within the next hour.”

However, we’ve just heard that the siege came to a dramatic end a few seconds ago when Senator Obama emerged from Number Ten rubbing his knuckles, and told the world’s waiting press that his inept captor had forgotten to take the safety catch off. At that moment there was a loud bang from within, followed by a shout of, “Oh, my sodding foot! Somebody call a doctor.”

G8 Leaders Promise To Ponder Climate Change Before They Die of Old Age

The world gave a rousing cheer today following the announcement that the G8 has agreed to give some thought to adding a 50% cut in carbon emissions to their wish list by 2050, if every other country on Earth agrees.

The statement is being greeted by environmentalists as another encouraging step forwards, after last year’s declaration that “something really ought to be done about it by somebody, preferably the Chinese and the Indians.”

“The world is safe at last,” said leading environmental campaigner Starchild Moonflower, from underneath a pile of Japanese policemen. “My work here is done.”

Some hardliners, however, pointed out that by 2050 the Earth will be an uninhabitable, searing hell, and suggested that now might be a better time to think about maybe doing something or other to prevent a runaway greenhouse effect.

George Bush, however, poured scorn on the doomsayers. “I hear it’s raining again in Britland,” he said. “What more proof do you need that global warming isn’t happening yet? OK, so it might be a reality by the year 2050, but by then I sure won’t be around to see it - and neither will the rest of us.”

He was then struck by a huge tsunami, before being swept up into the sky by a giant twister that sprang up from an enraged Mother Earth.

Gordon Brown took up the argument, saying that climate change was such a complex issue that he would only be able to devote his attention to it when he had plenty of free time.

“Everyone should have a hobby or interest to keep them occupied in their retirement,” he said. “I shall be making plans the moment I get back to Britain.”

Two In The Bush

US President George Bush, on his final tour of Europe, has spent his second day in Britain meeting Gordon Brown. The President denied that there was any rift between himself and the Prime Minister over troop withdrawals in the Middle East.

“While he was bringing me my Coco Pops this morning, my man Tony gave me the low-down that your Mr Brown said some of your guys could be home by Christmas,” said the President. “Hey, we’re all entitled to make mistakes – shucks, I know that - but it’s been a real pleasure to set him right on that. Say, I had dinner with that Queen of yours last night – whadda dame! That ol’ lady sure can rustle up a swell bowl of Angel Delight. Gee, where are we tomorrow, guys? Is it a surprise?”

A Word A Day With George W Bush

linguistic experts have deciphered George W Bush’s latest verbal contortions on halting the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq.

The US President said earlier that, on the advice of senior US commander General David Petraeus, he was still pursuing a “limited drawdown” from 20 brigades to 15 by the end of July, but freezing further withdrawals.

Many ordinary English speakers were puzzled by the term ‘drawdown’. However, we can now clear up the President’s terminology. In economic terms, it seems that drawdown is the measure of the decline from a historical peak in a given variable, typically the cumulative profit of a financial trading strategy.

Basically, if X(t) is a random process [X(0) = 0, t≥0], then the drawdown at any time, T, denoted D(T), is defined as

D(T) = Max [0, Max {Tε (0, T)} X(t) - X(T)].

And if you’re having trouble with that concept and how it relates to the occupation of Iraq, just imagine what George Bush makes of it.