Children Are Evil, Admits Charity

Want! It! NOW!

New research has conclusively proved that children are utterly and irredeemably evil, a leading children’s charity confirmed today.

“What parents have long suspected is true,” acknowledged a quaking Anne Longfield, chief executive of 4Children. “They have spawned an unstoppable legion of brutal monsters.”

“God help us,” she moaned in terror. “They’ll kill us all.”

Meanwhile, the rampaging child horde issued its latest ultimatum to Britain, threatening that one supermarket will be wrecked every day until they all get PS Vitas.

Half Of Britain Wants The Other Half Put In Cages

The older half of the UK population thinks the younger half are blood-drenched psychopaths, every last one of them, and ought to be clapped in irons immediately and left in dungeons to rot, according to research imagined today.

This is what they're all like, you know

“There’s one of them horrible young drug-addicts now, lurking behind the bakery counter and grinning like a wanking Jap,” gasped frail Edna Potter, 92, one of the 2,000 people surveyed by children’s charity Barnardo’s. “Have you got one of them wireless telewhatnots? Could I trouble you to call the police? I don’t want any of them young hooligans with guns, mind, they’ll shoot you as soon as give you the time of day.”

“What hope is there for childhood in the UK today if this is how adults think?” commented Anne Marie Harakiri, chief executive of Barnardo’s. “We seem to have forgotten the fact that most children have only killed once or twice, and usually because their victims goad them into it by asking them to tidy their room or go to school or something.”

“We aren't asking people to put up with being beaten to death by five-year-olds, but we do need to change our attitudes towards troubled children,” she added. “But in the meantime, you can always leave the vicious little fuckers to rot in one of the many secure child dumps we are proud to operate in partnership with Serco.”

Loony Conservative Element To Smash Up Students’ Unions

Enjoy it while you can - Dr Fox's tank is already in reception

Prime minister David Cameron today announced that, in response to the attack by a radical minority of students on his party HQ in Millbank Tower yesterday, he would be sending a barmy element of his own into students’ unions.

“Regrettably, there appears to be an element within the student community which is only capable of thinking in terms of violent confrontation,” he told reporters in Korea this morning. “So perhaps they’ll gain a fuller understanding of the government’s plans for the higher education sector when Dr. Liam Fox smashes their SU bar to splinters with a pickaxe.”

Under the plans, the raving mad defence secretary will roll up outside – or possibly inside, depending on what the voices in his head are telling him - randomly-selected students’ union buildings in a Challenger tank, before jumping out with a pickaxe and proceeding to the union bar. He will commence by shattering all the optics, before moving on to wreck the pumps, tills and PA system.

“He will then proceed to demolish as much of the fittings and fixtures as he is able, brutally headbutting any exec twerps who try to remonstrate with him with his reinforced tinfoil hat,” explained Mr Cameron with a smile.

“Students must learn that violence is pointless, counter-productive and ultimately self-defeating,” he warned. “Because, at the end of the day, we’ve got the police and the army at our beck and call - neither of whom, I should point out, are exactly fond of students.”

Meanwhile, Metropolitan police commissioner Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson told the press that he had already held an internal inquiry to find out why his riot vans were mysteriously having their windscreens washed and tyre pressures meticulously checked in police station compounds by all of his riot officers on the day of the largest student protest in years.

“I have asked myself how on earth I could possibly have been so lax in my duty as to allow an entirely predictable outbreak of violence to occur,” he announced, “And the only possible conclusion I can draw is that I was hoping to engineer a massive public backlash against students, undermining the legitimacy of their protest and discrediting the validity of their grievances – which, judging from this morning’s headlines, seems to be coming along nicely. My actions were, therefore, entirely justified and there is no need for disciplinary action to be taken, except of course against all the obliging little trots we nicked, bless ‘em.”

Millions Turn Down The Sound On Call Of Duty: Black Ops For Two Minutes

Level 2 sure is hell

All across Britain, the harsh chatter of full-auto gunfire and the screams of the dying fell silent for two minutes at precisely 11am, as millions of gamers solemnly muted their consoles as they continued blasting away in the runaway smash-hit shooter, Call Of Duty: Black Ops.

“At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember not to throw the grenades at our own squad at the end of the second level,” observed Xbox addict Josh Geake, after taking two minutes’ time out to search Google in vain for useful tips.

“The utter waste of Modern Warfare 2 is an appalling tragedy that is all too easily forgotten by the younger generation,” he sobbed. “I never finished that bastard, yet here I am again, stuck on sodding level 2 of Black Ops after forking out a hundred and thirty bastard quid for the Prestige limited edition.”

“We must never forget the mistakes of the past,” he mourned. “I’ll probably waste another small fortune on bloody Kinect, and what will it achieve? Nothing but more unnecessary pain and suffering. Lest we forget, the last time I had a go on my sister’s Wii I accidentally elbowed her right in the face and she fell through the coffee table. It was bloody hilarious.”

“Will we never learn?” he moaned plaintively, as he wasted his own team yet again.

‘Iron Fists’ Farrelly Taunts Police

Hurrell went down like a sack of shit in the first round, according to Farrelly supporters

The All-In Parliamentary Wrestling Champion, Labour MP Paul ‘Iron Fists’ Farrelly, today issued a scornful challenge to Westminster police to ask him questions about the one-sided fight which saw him take the title from John ‘Two Jags’ Prescott.

The raging Newcastle-under-Lyme MP spectacularly seized the crown on Thursday evening by smashing unranked outsider Bjorn Hurrell to the floor at a no-holds-barred karaoke party at parliament’s Sports & Social Club, to the delight of a capacity crowd.

“Decent people should not see their lives blighted by nuisance and anti-social behaviour, nor should our children be led astray by a mindless minority, but when some jumped-up nobody gets between me and my pint then a line has been crossed,” said Mr Farrelly after his brutal slugging match. “Any normal person who is capable of defending themselves would have done exactly as I did, and twatted the fucker.”

A police spokesman deeply regretted that no formal complaint had been received about the incident, but urged Mr Hurrell to come forward and press charges against the Labour slugger - who in the meantime has issued them with an invitation to come on, if they think they’re hard enough.

“The force legend that is PC Savage has already taken his trusty truncheon down off the trophy shelf, and he’s giving it a good polish,” said Scotland Yard. “It’s got a notch for every bolshie Trot he hospitalised back in the good old days of the miners’ strike and poll tax march. He’s getting on a bit now, but he assures the public that the old magic’s still there and he’d love nothing better than to bring in a Labour MP for a few clarifications before he hangs up his riot gear.”

Console Gamers Mark Armistice Day By Fragging Everything That Moves

The nation marked the hour the guns fell silent in 1918, after four years of unimaginable, needless slaughter, by solemnly loading up Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 at precisely eleven o'clock this morning and blasting seven colours of shit out of everything.

"I see no inconsistency at all in saying war is wrong and we should like pull our troops out now, whilst unquestioningly blowing away shedloads of photorealistic foreigners on my TV screen," said Xbox owner Josh Geake. "Modern Warfare 2 is only a game, remember - and a game is like so unrealistic, apart from its groundbreaking realism."

"I have no moral compass," he added. "But maybe I'll find it on the next mission, yeah, if I separate enough bad guys from their internal organs?"

Keen fans of exploding guts are already frantically searching for the rumoured hidden 'Combat Medic' mission - in which the player has to stumble around a wrecked marketplace, pumping morphine into as many screaming, disembowelled women and children as he can before a second bomb adds him to the collateral damage.

An official apologist for Elspa - the Exploitation of Licenced Sadism Publishers' Association - defended the game's graphic content and moral bankruptcy, saying: "This game is specifically intended for the kind of emotionally-dead kidult who lols at online footage of real people getting their heads flattened by buses. If you have a problem with that, you must be old. Fuck off and die on YouTube."

Man Arrested For Not Punching Leona Lewis Nearly Hard Enough

There were angry scenes at a branch of Waterstones today, as a member of the public punched X-Factor winner Leona Lewis so feebly that she didn't even fall off her chair.

The grinning, talentless clothes-horse was clutching a crayon and laboriously signing copies of the autobiography somebody else wrote for her, when a man suddenly stepped out of the queue at the bookseller's Piccadilly branch and delivered a pathetic girly punch to the side of her big empty head.

Police officers were called to the scene and swiftly placed the man under arrest, while Lewis left the premises in search of a doctor - possibly because the silly cow thought she might die from a thick ear.

"We think the assailant may be some sort of soppy romance writer to have hit her as softly as that," said DCI Savage of the Metropolitan Police. "If he was half a man, he'd have belted her so bloody hard she'd have spun round and round like a top as the chair hurtled into the dictionary section where a selection of massive hardbacks would undoubtedly have tumbled down upon her, one by one, until little tweety birds circled round her head."

"If he'd really meant to give her the walloping she deserves, a flying drop-kick to the jaw would have sent her crashing in slow motion backwards through the sponsors' advertising boards, accompanied by the unmistakeable sound of sheet metal being struck, leaving a Leona Lewis-shaped hole behind her and teeth all over the floor," he added knowledgeably. "If Ms Lewis would care to come round to the station once she's ascertained that she's still breathing, me and the lads from the reading club would be delighted to demonstrate just how bad this assault could have been."

Courts Send Clear Message On Violent Behaviour

Richard Norman, a father who punched a football referee for abandoning an under-14s match, has been jailed for 18 months at Swansea Crown Court, after recorder Paul Thomas QC told him he had set a "dreadful example" to impressionable young teenagers.

"It is very important to get this clear message across to British youth that violence is completely unacceptable in a civilised society," commented Justice Secretary Jack Straw later. "This aggressive thug, who callously ignored his responsibility as a role model to his son and other teenagers, has earned a well-deserved penalty for his unacceptable behaviour."

Meanwhile, Liverpool captain Steven Wellard and Troubled Singer Whiny Shithouse - both completely unknown to young people - walked scot-free from courts today, after punching ordinary members of the public for getting within striking distance of the celebrities.

The Troubled Singer was unavailable for comment, as she emerged from the City of Westminster magistrates' court with an enormous drug in her mouth. However, an elated Steven Wellard stood triumphantly on the steps of Liverpool Crown Court, punching the air and any reporters who foolishly got within range.

"This a great victory," he grunted, beating his chest. "Me celebrate - ring rich mates - go clubbing. Us club any peasant what not run away fast enough."

Courts To Rule On Celebrities' Right To Deck Proles

Liverpool captain Steven Wellard and Troubled Singer Whiny Shithouse are appearing in court today, to explain why beautiful, talented stars like them must retain the right to twat any member of the unwashed masses who gets within punching distance.

"This bloke moved towards me and my mates in a nightclub," explained Wellard to the judge and jury at Liverpool Crown Court. "It was immediately obvious to me that he didn't have any talent or beauty at all, like. So I reached behind him as he came closer with my special telescopic arm, grabbed the back of his jumper and swung my fist around a few times. I don't remember what happened next, but when the red mist faded I was told that each swing struck him right in his untalented face. If only I could get that kind of 100% accuracy when I'm on the pitch."

Meanwhile, Whiny Shithouse was telling the City of Westminster magistrates why she laid into a dancer at a charity ball in Berkeley Square.

"Like this dozy slapper she cam apta me wiv 'er arm ap, like she reckon she's allowed to like taach me or sumfink, innit?" slurred the Troubled Singer. "I wuz like, 'Naah!', and she's all like, 'Yeah?', right, an' I give 'er face a gennle shaav like, wiv me knuckles? I'm like, 'Git away fram me, y'skanky caah, I'm like rilly scared?', right? Cos I'm only like five foot three - okay, six foot six if you caant me 'air innit. Peepo are like rilly rude an' mad an' shit these days, innit, cos like they can't 'andle their drink jenoworra mean? I swear I dunt know where they gits it from, I dunt straight. Sawtid. Kin I fack orf 'ome naah, mate? Me divawce jass caam froo like, an' I wanna git aht and git shit-faced wiv me girly mates innit?"

Liam Gallagher of Oasis, meanwhile, is said to have booked himself onto an anger enhancement course, after inexplicably failing to leap into the crowd and kick the living shit out of a fan who splashed his coat with lager.

Sickening Christmas Violence Condemned

There has been an outcry over pictures showing Prince Edward brandishing a stick at his dogs, and apparently hitting one of them.

Animal charities accuse the Prince of setting a "truly sickening example" by his actions, as he attempted to break up a fight between several dogs over a pheasant that he, his father or Prince Andrew had just blasted out to extinction on the Sandringham estate in Norfolk.

"It is an offence to cause an animal unnecessary suffering," pointed out Andrew Tyler, president of Animal Aid. "Hitting a dog with a stick is a pathetic, cowardly and vicious act - though, strange as it may seem, hitting a pheasant with a twelve-bore shotgun is perfectly legal and sporting. No, I can't see the logic in that either."

A spokesman for the Royal Family asked if people would be happy if Prince Edward started hitting peasants instead, pointing out that the public seemed to be doing quite a lot of that for themselves these days, and especially over the festive period.

Patriotic Plymouth Bucks Decline In Traditional British Punch-Ups

Violent crime in the National Mental Isolation Unit (formerly known as Plymouth) is up by a worrying 58%, according to figures obtained by the local parish magazine.

Front-page headlines in the Herald highlighting the disturbing rise - which bucks the national trend - sparked punch-ups in newsagents and supermarkets, and spontaneous rioting was reported in the city's three traditional fight arenas of Union Street, Mutley Plain and the historic Barbican.

"In other parts of the country violent crime is on the wane, thanks to high-visibility policing and Gordon Brown's inspired fiddling of the statistics," Vivien Pengelly, leader of Plymouth City Council, told the Nev Filter. "However, in Plymouth there is a large population of ignorant fuckers who are genetically closer to bonobo chimpanzees than human beings. When they get excited they either fight or fuck. Or both at the same time."

"Y'want some, wanka?" she added. "Come on, then."

"As a matter of urgency, we are implementing an action plan to deal with the escalating violence in Plymouth," warned the Chief Constable, Stephen Otter. "We are putting extra officers 'on the beat', which means they will beat seven colours of shit out of every fucker that crosses their path. That should teach them. Got a problem with that, y'cunt?"

Concerned community leaders from notorious flashpoints such as the Barbican, Barne Barton, Cattedown, Chaddlewood, the City Centre, Crownhill, Derriford, Devonport, Efford, Eggbuckland, Estover, Ham, Hartley, Higher and Lower Compton, Laira, Manadon, Mannamead, Marsh Mills, Mount Wise, Mutley, North Hill, Pennycomequick, Pennycross, Plymstock, Plympton, Southway, St. Budeaux, St. Judes, St. Peter's, Stonehouse, Tamerton Foliot, West Hoe and Whitleigh are meeting up in North Prospect to discuss the problem with an assortment of clubs, knives and broken bottles.

The Nev Filter sent a work-experience trainee out onto the streets of the city to canvass local opinion. After being repeatedly asked what the fuck he thought he was looking at, he is now continuing his investigations in the A&E unit of Derriford Hospital, another well-known hot-spot for fights.

Meanwhile, local tourism chiefs tried to talk up the city's unfortunate reputation as the arse end of Britain with the slogan: "Come to Plymouth and Fuck Off."