We May Never Know How Justice Locked Itself In A Bag And Died

Coroner Fiona Coxup today delivered her considered verdict to a hushed inquest, saying she was entirely satisfied that top MI6 paperclip operator James Bond lawfully killed himself after lawfully planting women’s clothing worth £20,000 in his apartment, lawfully squeezing into an airtight bag, lawfully zipping it shut from the inside, lawfully padlocking the external zippers together before lawfully retrieving the key and lawfully leaping into the bath to suffocate in complete accordance with the law.

“It is entirely fit and proper that Mr Bond’s worried case officer, ‘M’, notified police the moment Mr Bond was a week late for work,” smiled Dr Coxup, “Just as it was entirely wrong for the police to pursue a questionable agenda of treating Mr Bond’s death as some sort of mystery to be solved.”

If you can tuck your scrotum into a pair of Victoria's Secret scanties, this is a doddle

“That these dull-witted flatfoots stubbornly refused to draw the obvious conclusion – namely, that any man with a small branch of Dorothy Perkins in his wardrobe would surely come to realise that he was nothing but a monstrous pervert with no more right to exist than a snivelling woodlouse – shall go down in forensic history as a dark stain of treasonous disloyalty on the otherwise impeccable record of Britain’s security services,” she thundered, adding: “Will this do?”

“The coroner’s ruling proves that British justice is still governed by common sense of self-preservation,” commented MI6 spokesman ‘Q’, handing Dr Coxup a ticking MBE. “From day one, we have always maintained that this was just an everyday open and shut and locked and left to die pathetically in a bath case.”

MI6 In Race To Develop Spying Dog Turd

MI6 has been ordered to step on it

As a shame-faced Britain finally owns up to spying on Russia with a fake rock, the nation’s spooks are in a race against time to develop and deploy a top-secret dog turd which can scan and record all radio frequencies within a three-mile radius.

“Now do pay attention, 007,” snapped top MI6 boffin Q. “This may look like an ordinary shit on an ordinary pavement, but let me assure you the pavement is entirely false. This poodle has been fed for weeks on an exclusive diet of quad-band smartphones, in an attempt to incorporate cutting-edge radio reception technology into its DNA. We can then deploy it without fear of detection on the streets of Moscow, dropping listening devices outside key installations such as Mr Putin’s bathroom window.”

When it was pointed out that the dog had in fact expired, an irritated Q explained that the fiendishly cunning gadget was nevertheless ready for field trials.

“Once the dog has been mounted on wheels, Commander, you must tow it along, pausing briefly to give it a quick squeeze as you arrive at your designated waypoints,” he explained.

Sceptics, however, claim that he-man Vladimir Putin will prove unable to resist the temptation to wrestle the dog in front of Russian TV cameras, leading to unfortunate consequences which might compromise the mission.

Alastair Campbell: ‘Strap Me To An Apache And Point Me At Gadaffi’

Lock and load

After being identified by a senior MI6 officer as “an unguided missile”, Tony Blair’s former spokesman Alastair Cambell has called on the government to attach him to one of an Apache helicopter’s hardpoints, fly him over to Tripoli and unleash his deadly, exploding warhead on the pariah leader of Libyan government.

The unnamed witness from MI6, which prefers to call itself the Secret Intelligence Service, told the Chilcot inquiry into Britain’s reasons for invading Iraq: “We found Alastair Campbell, I think, an enthusiastic individual, but also somewhat of an unguided missile … That's not to say that we didn't engage to the extent that we could, and I think that Alastair Campbell found us a useful organisation to work with, simply because SIS was actually an organisation that was very focused on delivery.”

Mr Campbell immediately unscrewed his wig to reveal an armed fuse protruding from the top of his head, and told reporters he was willing to detonate himself in any way which might help to erase his tarnished reputation as a cynical, scheming manipulator whose lies dragged the nation into an illegal and unwinnable war of attrition against a sovereign nation.

MI6 later issued a statement from the officer, which read: “I apologise for not making the views of SIS absolutely clear to the Chilcot inquiry. What I meant to say is that Alastair Campbell is a cynical, scheming manipulator whose lies dragged the nation into an illegal and unwinnable war of attrition against a sovereign nation.”

“Having said that,” he added, “SIS has no objection to dropping him on Tripoli from 2,000ft.”

James Bond Killed In Tragic Cost-Cutting Mishap

Britain’s foremost secret agent, James Bond, was found today dead in a holdall in his London apartment, in what MI6 chiefs are claiming was a tragic consequence of Whitehall budget-paring.

Right idea - wrong spy

“Clearly, Mr Bond was simply hoping to save the department a small fortune in travel expenses by travelling as freight to his next top-secret assignment,” explained M this afternoon. “Unfortunately, having successfully zipped himself into an item of luggage, he realised too late that he was unable to deliver himself to the post office, and tragically starved to death after struggling unsuccessfully to get out of the bag.”

M denied categorically that there was anything remotely sinister about the super-spy’s unfortunate demise, although she did add that Q had been dispatched to the nearest branch of TJ Hughes to procure baggage which would permit easier egress for secret agents in future.

“On behalf of the whole department, I’d like to thank Mr Bond’s considerate neighbour, Mr Jaws,” she added. “If he hadn’t become concerned about James’ inactivity and chewed through the door, we might never have discovered his fate. As a token of our gratitude, I shall be giving him a personal guided tour of the MI6 offices and introducing him to the team.”

“If only the minister hadn’t ordered us to cut Mr Bond’s entertainment budget,” she reflected. “If he had been sharing his apartment with an attractive Russian cellist or wealthy expatriate circus owner, this tragedy would never have happened.”