‘What The Hell Do You Think You’re Playing At?’ Former Murdoch Hack Asks Leveson

Education secretary and, coincidentally, former News International hack Michael Gove today accused the Leveson Inquiry of being nothing but a disgraceful waste of time and money, motivated purely by spite and probably orchestrated by the Socialist Workers’ Party.

This berk belongs to Rupert Murdoch

“I am unashamedly on the side of the great god Murdoch, one of the most significant figures in our planet’s history, who says we should think very carefully before crossing him,” grovelled Mr Gove impassionedly.

“The predictable moan of ‘Something must be done about untouchable media moguls’ corrupt lackeys riding a coach and horses over the rights of ordinary members of the public on an industrial scale, with the connivance of our institutionally corrupt police forces’ often leads to people doing something which isn't always wise,” he continued reverently, kneeling before a shrine featuring the last edition of the News Of The World. “Like this jumped-up kangaroo court, for example.”

Quivering with righteous indignation, Mr Gove then leapt to his feet, pointed an accusing finger at Lord Leveson and demanded: “Why don’t you go home and do something with your life, Trotsky, instead of harassing a poor defenceless old man? Something must be done about you.”

No, I Really Was Laughing Out Loud, Replies Cameron

Mr Cameron, moments before being struck down with acronyms

Countering former Murdoch right-hand tentacle Rebekah Brooks’ testimony at the Leveson Inquiry, in which the flame-haired fixer suggested that David Cameron thought LOL meant ‘lots of love’ when he texted his commiserations on her resignation, the prime minister said that he distinctly recalled laughing audibly at the news of her tragic misfortune - adding that his bladder spontaneously malfunctioned, leaving him rolling helplessly on the floor for several minutes with his fucking arse hanging off.

“I think this proves that, far from being hopelessly out of touch with the people of Britain, I am truly down with the youths,” beamed Mr Cameron, adding: “Is it not?”

That Sympathetic Cameron Text Message In Full
HAHAHA COULDNT HAPPEN 2A BETTER PERSON RUPERT ON FORM LATELY POOR MRS SACRIFICIAL LAMB LET ME FIND AN ONION LOL DC

Clarkson Explains Origins Of Extremism To Sun Readers

Sun readers are today benefitting from the wisdom of top ethnopolitical analyst Jeremy Clarkson, as he sagely informed them at £200 a word that chunky sweaters and pretty girls created the perfect environment for turning Anders Behring Breivik into a cold-blooded mass murderer.

 
Fortunately, according to Professor Clarkson, Britain - known for producing only big, thirsty cars and himself – lacks both the comfortable knitwear and the attractive women it takes to turn decent, Islamophobic Sun readers into child-slaughtering maniacs.

“If Norwegians had just had the basic decency to wear tight jeans and denim jackets and stuffed their faces with burgers, like normal folk do, this terrible tragedy would never have happened,” opined the renowned academic, adding: “Hitler – burger-dodging foreigner with attractive bird. Napoleon – denim-dodging foreigner with attractive bird. I rest my case, your honour.”

Meanwhile, on Page 3, attractive Sammi-Jo Potts, 18, explained to readers that she often had to remove her Arran sweater because it made her nipples itch.

James Murdoch Has ‘No Recollection’ Of Resigning

Confusion reigns at BSkyB tonight, with ex-chairman James Murdoch barricaded inside his office whilst resolutely denying ever having seen the resignation email he wrote this morning.

“Re: My role within the BsSkyB management structure,” observed Mr Murdoch through the keyhole. “A water-cooler meme of what must be seen as entirely subjective accuracy has lately crossed my awareness threshold, viz.: I have resigned.”

James Murdoch wonders where his desk has gone

“Whilst it is neither my desire - nor indeed my role - to belittle the inherent value of grape-based data distribution networks as a vehicle for dynamic mission-related interchange,” he droned, “I consider it vital - for reasons of ongoing corporate integrity - to categorically state, according to the degree of authority associated with my status within our organisational hierarchy, that I have absolutely no recollection of ever reading any such communication.”

“This memo, it should be noted, constitutes neither confirmation nor refutal of the undeniable evidence that I am clearly the originator of the document in question, namely my resignation,” he acknowledged. “The key issue at stake here is, naturally, that if I say I have not read the message then it must be understood that I can neither be a) held to account for it nor b) expected to act upon it.”

Mr Murdoch then instructed his former PA to explain to visitors that he was in a very important meeting, and went on with his normal routine of staring at a blank screen whilst trying to open a doughnut.

Horsegate: Cameron Resigns

You did this, Cameron, you bastard

David Cameron has sensationally resigned in disgrace after it emerged that, a couple of years ago, he rode a horse.

“I am ashamed to say that, in my innocent eagerness to climb into the saddle and go for a ride with my lovely friend Rebekah Brooks, I utterly neglected to carry out the most perfunctory check on whether the horse belonged to the Metropolitan Police,” confessed the ashen-faced prime minister at a press conference. “I make no excuses for this despicable act and can only hope that, in time, history will forget that I ever existed.”

Mr Cameron then tried to shoot himself to atone for his sins but, before he could pull the trigger, sharp-eyed hacks warned him that the gun he had placed in his mouth bore markings suggesting that it was in fact the property of CO19, the Met’s specialist firearms unit.

There’s More Hacking Fun In The Sun!

Their worthless details have been pointlessly stolen

Hordes of online Sun readers who give the tabloid their benefit of their balanced and informed opinions –that David Cameron is a snake and Nick Clegg is a sheep and therefore neither of them deserves a holiday, for example – have, predictably, discovered today that they may well be victims of illegal hacking.

For once, News International was not responsible for the hack attack – except, of course, insofar as failing to install proper security protection for personal details entered via their website.

Strangely enough, calls to Rupert and James Murdoch asking them what it feels like to be the victims of lawbreaking hackers, rather than just employing them, have so far gone unanswered.

Nick Clegg Patiently Waiting For A Party Invitation From Murdoch

Full details are emerging of the frequency with which Tory cabinet members came running when Rupert Murdoch snapped his fingers, often leaving deputy prime minister and Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg on his own for hours as he waits in vain to be invited to play with the all-powerful magnate’s little lad, James.

In his 15 months as Chancellor, for example, George Osborne has met executives from News International 16 times. Meanwhile, education secretary Michael Gove has been invited to dinner with his former employer Rupert Murdoch six times, also meeting senior Murdoch henchmen another six times. Mr Gove – whose wife’s career at News International, coincidentally, seems to be flourishing nicely – firmly insists that his honourable aim has always been to learn more about the miraculous educational techniques which have successfully burned the teachings of the Sun and the News Of The World into millions of Britain’s thick.

Nick Clegg informs his party that his nappy needs changing

Even Labour’s Ed Miliband has been summoned by the Murdochs 15 times since winning the Labour Party in a raffle, while poor Mr Clegg can only list a single occasion – in February 2011 – when then-CEO Rebekah Brooks rang him up out of boredom and ordered him to come over and amuse her.

“You’d think Nick might seize this moment to get up on his high horse, breaking up the coalition and forcing a general election which might just save his MPs’ sorry arses, tarring both Labour and the Conservatives with the taint of Murdoch, wouldn’t you?” said a Downing Street insider. “But of course he’ll just sit in his playpen as usual, filling his Pampers and watching Cbeebies. Remember that new chapter in British politics you all voted in last year? Well, there it is.”

Cameron Asks Pete Doherty To Overdose ASAP

As Britain’s papers gratefully drop all coverage of the murky workings of Britain’s papers, in favour of blanket coverage of the fortuitously-timed death of Amy Winehouse just as the BBC aired allegations that illegal phone-hacking was also rife at the Sunday Mirror, prime minister David Cameron issued a heartfelt appeal to Pete Doherty – now the nation’s last remaining Troubled Singer – to pump his entire stash into a vein at the earliest opportunity.

Carpe diem, urges the PM

“The sad and sudden loss of Amy Winehouse in her prime serves as a timely reminder that there are bigger things in life than a prime minister’s relationship with a media tycoon,” a red-eyed Mr Cameron told enthusiastic reporters, as he placed an onion in his breast pocket. “At this time of national crisis, we should pause to ask ourselves whether ridiculous claims about the supposed power of one elderly American gentleman over Britain’s politicians are really more important than the tragic death of a young lady who was an inspiration to us all. Pete Doherty’s senseless death, preferably by Wednesday at the latest, would give the public even more cause to reflect on the things that really matter.”

To cheers from the assembled journalists, the prime minister went on to suggest that an all-out crèche massacre by tooled-up idiots from the English Defence League would be “an intolerable affront to civilised society, which would fill the papers magnificently until everyone forgets all about this spiteful little vendetta of petty tittle-tattle” against his good friend Mr Murdoch.

That Select Committee Hearing In Full

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah SPLAT blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Unicorns Prance In Britain’s Streets

The single most riveting event in human history

Unicorns, fairies and other mythical creatures disported themselves, unmolested and unseen, through the deserted high streets of Britain’s cities today as all eyes were glued to the unremitting tedium of the Culture, Media and Sport Select Committee hearing on the off-chance that tainted tycoon Rupert Murdoch might announce imminent plans to commit ritual suicide to atone for his shame.

A giant flying saucer landed in the middle of Regent’s Park in the early afternoon, but after wandering to and fro along a silent Oxford Street for two hours the lonely ambassadors from an unknown galactic empire gave up, returned to their UFO and abandoned their futile search for intelligent life in this solar system.

Similar disappointment awaited the unfortunate Whale King who, sadly, chose today to trundle out of the sea, riding his majestic coral unicycle up and down the Brighton seafront without attracting any attention whatsoever.

The people of Britain declared themselves overjoyed, however, when their lives were made complete by a publicity stunt involving a comedian nobody has ever heard of, or will ever hear of again, and a plate of shaving foam.

Those Non-Prejudicial Questions The Culture, Media and Sport Select Committee Will Be Keen To Ask Rebekah Brooks, Following Her Timely Arrest

"How the devil are you, Mrs Brooks?"
"And how is Mr Brooks?"
"Would you like to sit down?"
"Would you like some tea or coffee?"
"Did you have any trouble finding us?"
"Some weather we’re having lately, isn’t it?"
"Well, well, isn’t this nice, all of us here together?"
"Are you quite sure we can’t get you anything to drink?"
"A glass of water, perhaps?"
"Can you think of anything we haven’t covered that we might be able to ask without prejudicing Inspector Savage of the Yard and his investigations?"
"Not a dicky bird?"
"Well, aren’t you the lucky one?"
"How soon can you start to breathe a sigh of relief?"

Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson’s ‘Style Council’ Playlist

1. A Man Of Great Promise
2. With Everything To Lose
3. Money-Go-Round
4. Life At A Top People’s Health Farm
5. Walls Come Tumbling Down
6. Right To Go
7. How He Threw It All Away
8. Iwasadoledadstoyboy (now playing)

Murdoch Now Even Less Popular Than Arse Who Led Us All Into Lifetime Of Penury

Admit it - you loathe him slightly less now, don't you?

Even the gormless, arse-headed Gordon Brown - whose perversely pig-headed refusal, as both chancellor and prime minister, to regulate the City of London led to global ruin - is now held in higher esteem by the penniless public than Rupert Murdoch, it emerged yesterday, after the charm-free backbencher broke his self-imposed vow of silence in the House of Commons to accuse the tarnished mogul’s media empire of a “lethal combination of illegality, collusion and cover-up”.

All over the country, people were leaping from their sofas, punching the air and cheering wildly as the hatchet-faced incompetent droned on for half an hour.

“Even allowing for the fact that 29 minutes and 57 seconds of Gordon Brown’s speech were nothing more than a shameless, self-pitying attempt to offload the blame for his appalling mismanagement of the nation’s finances onto what he apparently, in all seriousness, believes to be misrepresentation in the Murdoch papers,” said a typical dewy-eyed viewer, just one of millions glued to BBC Parliament, “The words that will remain forever seared into my memory long after senility robs me of the ability to remember my own children are his stirring summary of News Corp’s methods as ‘lawbreaking on an industrial scale’.”

Meanwhile, MPs on parliament’s Culture, Media and Sport Committee have asked Mr Murdoch, his equally loathsome son James and their mysteriously limpet-like sidekick Rebekah Brooks if they wouldn’t mind dropping by one afternoon, if they haven’t got anything else planned, and entertaining them all with an improvised comedy routine.

Did Distraction-Seeking Rebekah Brooks Deliberately Induce Birth Of Little Blake's Seven Beckham?

Guns don't come much smokier than this

Speculation is mounting that evil Rebekah Brooks may have cynically tickled an unsuspecting Victoria Beckham’s flaps with a feather duster until innocent little baby daughter Blake's Seven popped out, in a desperate attempt to distract the British public from her increasingly-endangered position at the top of Rupert Murdoch’s crumbling Scum International empire.

Meanwhile, as the ripples from the hacking scandal spread around the world, some of the greatest news stories of the last 30 years are being re-examined for traces of illegal Murdoch handiwork.

Questions now being asked include:

- Has Rupert Murdoch greedily swallowed up all the world’s cash, hurling the global economy into chaos, just to run endless stories blaming the poor, the sick and the disabled?

- Did cynical New York Times reporters secretly plant giant airliner-attracting magnets in the World Trade Center in 2001 in order to get the story of the millenium?

- Was the populist collapse of the Soviet Union hastened by mass airdrops of unputdownable Western-style scandal sheets full of lurid stories detailing the Politburo’s secretary-shagging exploits?

- Did sleazy Sun hacks don ponchos and droopy moustaches and occupy the remote penguin colony of South Georgia just to engineer the Falklands war so they could run their notorious ‘Gotcha’ front page?

- Will we all have forgotten about this by August?

Andy Coulson Delighted To Overhear DPP Telling PM No Charges Will Be Brought

Mr Coulson just can't seem to keep his ear from flapping

Top Downing Street spin doctor and former News Of The World editor Andy Coulson had a happy accident at work today, in which he fortuitously knocked the receiver off his office phone and chanced to overhear Keir Starmer, the Director of Public Prosecutions, telling David Cameron that there was insufficient evidence to support fresh claims of phone hacking at the paper during his chief communications hack’s editorship.

“I was just bending over to tie up a loose shoelace, and I must have banged my head against the handset somehow,” a tittering Mr Coulson told reporters. “Normally of course I would have replaced it immediately, but I happened to hear my name mentioned. Just imagine my surprise on hearing Mr Starmer informing the prime minister that, due to a tragic workplace disaster involving a tube of superglue and a stack of ‘Property of Rupert Murdoch’ labels, neither Sean Hoare nor any of the other reporters now seem able to enlarge upon their initial brief statements to the Crown Prosecution Service.”

“I should think my former lackeys must be feeling pretty hacked off right now,” spluttered Mr Coulson, before collapsing in a fit of laughter.

UK Now A Dictatorship, Says Global Media Organisation Answerable to One Man

In less than a week the United Kingdom has lurched from democracy to dictatorship, according to secretive media overlord Rupert Murdoch’s propaganda tool, the Sun.

Those 10 Tell-Tale Signs Of A Dictator

1. Unelected
2. Secretive
3. Repressive
4. Control Freak
5. Tells People What To Think
6. Hates Ordinary Citizens
7. Will Do Deals With Anybody To Consolidate Power
8. Supports Unwinnable Wars
9. Marries Younger Woman
10. Steps Down For The Public Good

Later editions of the Sun carry nine tell-tale signs of a dictator, whilst leaked reports from paper’s headquarters say the corridors are filled with speculation about who will put themselves forward for the soon-to-be-vacated post of junior features writer.

Sun Readers Baffled By Concept of 'Writing'

Puzzled Sun readers were left slack-jawed today, after the leading literary journal of Britain lashed out at PM Gordon Brown over a strange new concept called 'writing'.

The row broke out after the deranged prime minister callously sent a wicked letter of condolence to the grieving mother of dead soldier Janie James, which he had - cynically - written with something called a 'pen'.

"Wot the focks this ere say innit?" demanded Jaqkueee Jimjams in a video clip posted on the paper's website, waving a piece of paper covered in funny squiggly marks.

Sun readers have spent the morning trying to decipher the strage marks on the piece of paper - so far without success.

"WHY OH WHY couldn't this evil BASTARD use a PRINTER?" screamed the paper's editor Dominic Mohan. "It's an INSULT to every single DEAD British HERO! The Sun Says: STRING this vile MONSTER up from a LAMP POST!"

"This issue is ABOVE politics," he added. "But it does PROVE, beyond a shadow of A doubt, that Labour are the NASTIEST FUCKERS to ever stalk God's good EARTH. Vote CONSERVATIVE."

A spokesman for Number Ten later told reporters - and a man from the Sun with a colourful set of crayons - that the prime minister had later done the right thing and sent Ms Jam a proper message of condolence via text message: "soz 4 ur lad :`-("

Murdoch Demands Annexation of News

Rupert Murdoch has warned internet search engine providers that the world supply of outrageously-slanted news will be cut off imminently, unless they give him all their money immediately.

"Words cannot describe the physical pain I experience when I think that, every second of every day, somebody somewhere in the world is finding something out which may significantly affect their life - and yet I'm not making a single cent out of it," stormed the media tycoon, whose personal wealth is estimated at $7.5bn. "I pay 44,000 flunkies worldwide to superimpose my personal bias onto the press releases we receive every day. I want my cut."

Competing new manipulators Associated Press were quick to echo Mr Murdoch's demands, saying: "Rupert Murdoch is nothing less than a rampaging, avaricious tyrant who personifies the corrosive abuse of power without responsibility. Governments stand or fall at his merciless whim. We condemn utterly his unabashed grab for the ownership of truth itself, and entirely endorse his laudable sentiments. This item: $2000. Payment due within 28 days of publication."

A spokesman for Google, one of the search engines which is cruelly depriving Mr Murdoch of a decent living, said that the company's board of directors would give due consideration to the megalomaniac tycoon's demands after they had stooped laughing and climbed back into their chairs.

"Gosh, if News Corporation and AP stop supplying us with their twisted rewrites of the press releases they get from politicians, government officials, corporate PR departments and marketing companies, I guess we'd have to just ask them all to add us to their cc lists and email the stuff direct to us," he said. "I don't know how the hell our software systems would cope with posting information to our news pages, if it came straight from the source without a coating of right-wing prejudice added by the lackeys of some profiteering middle-man. I guess people might just be forced to start figuring out a few things for themselves, if the likes of Rupert Murdoch were to carry out their threat to stop telling them what to think."

Mr Murdoch was unavailable for further comment, a spokesman saying he was busy in the kitchen baking a tasty pie full of words from his earlier speech.

"I'm sure he'll get back to you after he's eaten it," he added humbly.

Media World At War

The world's two media superpowers are on the brink of war today as Silvio Berlusconi, the prime minister of Mediaset, accuses News International dictator Rupert Murdoch of massing his columns and briefing his leaders for a sneak attack.

Berlusconi launched pre-emptive libel strikes at dawn on Murdoch's allies in Italy, France and Spain, which have recently seen increasing assaults on Mr Berlusconi's reputation. He is also said to be considering plans to invade Britain's libel courts, once the continent has fallen under his heel.

"I am the legitimate head of a domineering multimedia empire which controls public opinion by constantly showing tits, tits and more tits," said an indignant Mr Berlusconi. "How dare this gangster Murdoch accuse me of being a corrupt politician? I am a corrupt emperor, no less, and anybody who contradicts me will be smothered to death live on TV between the heavenly breasts of my legion of MEPs!"

Mr Murdoch, meanwhile, was too busy patting his ten-year-old son James on the head for his recent daring attack on the BBC to respond to the Mediaset chief's threats.

"Don't worry, punters of Britain," said little James Murdoch later, as he showed off his shiny new bicycle. "My daddy and me will save you from the dual horrors of free news from the evil BBC and a terrifying onslaught of wobbling Italian tits. There's more plucky, firm, 100% British tits in the Sun!"

Naked Pictures of Politician Not Gordon Brown: Relieved Britain Unclenches Arse Muscles

News Limited, an Australian newspaper group owned by Rupert Murdoch, has apologised for publishing fake nude photographs of the right-wing politician Pauline Hanson in the run-up to Saturday's elections in Queensland, which are thought to have contributed to her failure to win a seat.

Ms Hanson achieved international notoriety in the 90s, when she claimed that Australia was "in danger of being swamped by Asians."

A red-faced Blimey Strewth, editor of Sydney's Sunday Pornograph, said that, when a man with a briefcase full of nudey pics turned up calling himself Jack Johnson and claiming to have been Ms Hanson's lover in the 70s, with the benefit of hindsight it might have been sensible to check up on whether Ms Hanson had ever actually had a boyfriend of that name.

Initial investigations appear to suggest that the mysterious 'Jack Johnson' may in fact be an elderly ex-Australian kingpin known as 'The Dirty Digger', now a US citizen with an Asian wife, who has stealthily built up some kind of dodgy globe-spanning organisation based upon a fabric of lies, political interference and tax avoidance run by members of his close 'family'.

Meanwhile, the editor of Melbourne's Sunday Herald Sun Times Mail Express World, Drongo Cobber, admitted that closer inspection might have cast doubt on whether the red-haired, stocky racist and politician would really have had such a small-breasted, brown-skinned body.

"Thirty years of ageing can change the human body in a lot of ways," he said ruefully, "But we really ought to have noticed that, although Ms Hanson's body would seem to have grown a foot taller and changed colour, her pasty face and ginger hair don't seem to have changed at all. Nor would she seem the most likely candidate to be photographed starkers on a bamboo verandah, fanning herself with a flattened conical hat."

"And the most cursory examination of the photographs ought to have suggested that, unless Ms Hanson was secretly a world expert in electronic miniaturisation, she probably wouldn't have been holding a small mobile phone to her ear in the seventies either," he added sheepishly. "Indeed, now that I look closely at the pictures, I'd guess that she probably doesn't have a small penis, either."