Clegg Thanks Party For Gift Of Knife In Back

This is a smile, and Nick Clegg has the respect of his party

Wearing his best upside-down smile, Nick Clegg wiped a tear from his eye at the Liberal Democrats’ spring conference in Gateshead as he thanked the party faithful for the touching gift they presented to him yesterday - which took the form of a gleaming stainless-steel scalpel, pinning between his shoulder blades a heartfelt note thanking him for all he has done for the party’s reputation in the two years since becoming deputy prime minister.

“I can’t quite reach round to pull it out and have a good look at it,” apologised Mr Clegg bravely, as delighted NHS paramedics gleefully threw him in the back of an ambulance bound for the Royal Cornwall Hospital. “But Shirley Williams tells me it’s a marvellous example of British precision toolmaking which I should definitely show to David Cameron, if he comes to visit me.”

Liberal Democrat Keeps Promise

Following his arrest on charges of perverting the course of justice over his wife’s claim that he dodged a speeding ticket, ex-energy secretary Chris Huhne is today facing widespread calls to challenge Nick Clegg for the leadership of the Liberal Democrats after becoming the first MP of the coalition government’s minority party to actually fulfil a promise he gave to the British public – i.e. to resign his cabinet post if he was charged with a criminal offence.

The most truthful liar in Parliament

“Obviously, Chris Huhne is a suspected liar, cheat and self-serving rat,” explained the Nev Filter’s veteran Westminster correspondent, Nev. “On the other hand, the entire country knows through bitter personal experience that all the other Lib Dems are compulsive and habitual liars, cheats and self-serving rats – which, for the time being at least, makes him the most honest minion of the whole rotten syndicate.”

Vince Cable In Tragically Deluded Appeal To Shareholders’ Sense Of Decency And Fair Play

After much puffing on his best ‘ideas pipe’, everybody’s favourite uncle, Vince Cable, has formed the opinion that the best restraint on the inflation-busting jamboree that is executive pay and bonuses would be to let corporate shareholders rule on the matter.

Mr Cable gets all of his best ideas in here

Dear old uncle Vince emerged from his potting shed to tell his numerous LibDem nephews and nieces that the faceless financial institutions which hold the vast majority of corporate shares are really very sober and responsible indeed, and would certainly never be silly enough to fall for short-term dividend largesse thrown their way by cynical, irresponsible boardroom directors during their brief stopovers in the never-ending game of musical chairs which characterises Britain’s system of corporate management.

“Good heavens, just imagine what would happen if, solely in order to boost their bonuses before jumping ship to another comfy chair elsewhere, the senior management of some unprofitable business decided to pay their shareholders one nice, fat dividend out of essential capital reserves – or worse, simply borrowed the money from a bank!” beamed uncle Vince. “Why, the firm would probably go bust within a matter of years! By then, any shareholders who hadn’t sold their shares in that company at a tidy profit - which would be based solely on the apparent financial health indicated by that handsome dividend – would really have egg all over their faces, wouldn’t they?”

“Just imagine if every business behaved like that!” he went on contentedly. “I should imagine that, before long, the entire financial world would collapse in tatters. My goodness, and where would we all be then, eh?”

‘Go Back To Your Constituencies And Prepare To Be Out Of The Government’

The Liberal Democrats’ president, Tim Fallout, today rallied his party’s surviving MPs with the resounding promise that its widely-hated alliance with the Conservatives would cease at the next election, mainly because they would all be losing their deposits.

The LibDems are great survivors

“We are like cockroaches after a nuclear war,” he told stony-faced delegates at the party’s Birmingham conference. “And to be cockroaches after a nuclear war, obviously the most important thing is to be cockroaches in the first place – vile, scuttling pests which are hated by everyone and deserve to be stamped on. And I think we ought to congratulate ourselves on how quickly we’ve achieved this, in the light of our near-total extermination in May’s local elections. So hey, all we need now is nuclear war!”

Elsewhere at the conference, deputy prime minister Nick Clegg swiftly quashed rumours that he would be standing down as leader of the Lib Dems after just one term in order to take up an appointment as a European Commissioner.

“European Commissioner, my arse,” he sobbed into his espresso macchiato. “By then I’ll be bloody lucky if I get a job as a commissionaire at one of the casinos back home in Monaco.”

Lib Dems Desperate To Book Russell Howard Or Tim Vine For Next Conference

Although hopes remain high that Nick Clegg’s closing promises will have delegates falling off their seats with mirth, this year there have been few belly laughs at what is traditionally the most hilarious gig of the party conference season.

After children’s minister Sarah Teeth failed dismally to crack so much as a smile with her ill-advised effort at stand-up comedy at the Liberal Democrats’ sombre conference in Birmingham today, party officials assured hatchet-faced delegates that they would take whatever steps were necessary to guarantee a fun-packed roster of jocular ministers for next year’s headline event.

“Ideally we’d kick one of our time-expired westcountry MPs upstairs and parachute Eddie Izzard into a safe Cornish seat,” said a red-faced conference booking agent. “But he defected to New Labour in disgust years ago and anyway, we lost half our safe Cornish seats at the last election. I think we’re just going to have to take a leaf out of David Cameron’s book by elevating people we like to the House of Lords, then giving them ministerial portfolios.”

It's like Mr Potato Head reproduced, only not as funny

“George Osborne line dancing… hell’s teeth,” he sobbed as he shuffled away.

Comedians with any sort of interest in politics have been remarkably swift to claim an extraordinary number of international tours which happen to coincide with next year’s conference dates, however.

Already the field of potential LibDem lords has narrowed to a mere handful of apolitical comics, led by veteran pun factory Tim Vine, whose public profile could do with a boost, or possibly chirpy little Bristolian optimist Russell Howard, 12, as long as party whips can convince his mummy he will be safely tucked up in bed by nine every night.

“God help us, the way Britain’s stand-ups are all desperately claiming Las Vegas bookings on the same weekend next September, we could end up with the doomsday scenario of Michael McIntyre,” wept one loyal grass-roots activist. “Please, shoot me now.”

Doctors Fear Nick Clegg May Be Clinically Wet

Spot the drip

Medical experts say there is a growing body of evidence to suggest that deputy prime minister Nick Clegg has finally succumbed to terminal wetness, as he continues to sit damply at David Cameron’s side, making absolutely no comment whatsoever about the prime minister’s rapidly-increasing vulnerability over his links to News Corporation.

“The first sign that Mr Clegg may in fact be clinically wet came when we heard his testicles drop to the floor under his seat with a squelch, just after the closure of the News Of The World,” explained a doctor (Vince Cable). “We were expecting at least some comment from him on this momentous event, but he just sat there gaping like an idiot.”

“Since then he’s said nothing concerning the revelations about News International’s dodgy relationship with the police - not even when Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson resigned,” he added. “Not a peep when the PM’s close friend Rebekah Brooks was arrested, not a whisper about the lame excuses for inviting Andy Coulson to Chequers after his resignation, and not a dicky bird about Cameron jumping obediently every time News International execs clicked their fingers.”

“In fact… hang on a sec… somebody’s drawn a pair of pupils on his eyelids!” he exclaimed suddenly. “And isn’t that a fly crawling out of his mouth?”

As a damp, foetid pool rapidly oozed out from beneath Mr Clegg towards the rest of his MPs forensic scientists warned that, unless their soggy leader squirted out of his fatal coalition with the toxic prime minister, the entire Lib Dem party could soon find itself dead in the water.

LibDems Find And Destroy Last Remaining Shred Of Credibility

Deputy PM Nick Clegg wept for joy today, as business secretary Vince Cable – the only remaining Liberal Democrat in the disgraced party thought to retain any trace of liberalism – warned the unions that the strongest anti-union laws in Europe would have to tightened up if they actually tried to exercise their few remaining rights to strike.

No more Mr Nice Guy

The avuncular economist told jeering delegates at the GMB union’s conference that it was all right if, say, a small-scale walkout or two took place in a minor provincial town or two – but if any strike action should affect one of Rupert Murdoch’s journalists in even the most minor way, as an elected representative of the people he would be left with no alternative but to do whatever the Sun says.

“The pressure on us to act would ratchet up,” he warned, as trade unionists booed and hissed. "That is something which both you, and certainly I, would want to avoid, as I rather like my ministerial salary and the car and stuff.”

“Believe it or not, neither we nor the Tories are that keen to make all forms of industrial action illegal, because that would mean outlawing a basic human right that no Western leader since Hitler has dared to abolish,” he added, as the stage filled up with cabbages. “Nevertheless, I want you to realise that Mr Rupert Murdoch is very taken by the idea. Sorry, brother. I just do what I’m told, and so will you.”

Cameron Says Coalition Will Carry On Working Just Fine

The prime minister is very keen to support Mr Clegg

Safely shielded behind the ragged, bullet-riddled corpse of Nick Clegg, a jubilant prime minister David Cameron told reporters today that, although yesterday’s voting had proved to be catastrophic for the Liberal Democrats, nevertheless he was absolutely certain that their coalition partnership with the Tories would last the full parliamentary term and possibly beyond.

“It’s not surprising that Nick’s feeling a little vulnerable right now,” conceded a smiling Mr Cameron, as blood spurted vigorously from the deputy PM’s lolling head, “But I’m sure that, once the dust settles, we can either stitch him up again or come to some arrangement with his successor.”

Analysts predict that, even in a worst-case scenario where any remaining LibDem MPs have learned to give Mr Cameron a wide berth, he will probably be able to tempt Ed Miliband into forming a new coalition by promising faithfully to put Labour first.

Liverpool’s Kamikaze Squad Shouts Final Banzais For Emperor Nikuregu

May 5th could be full of flaming Zeroes

Six of Liverpool’s LibDem councillors have publicly distanced themselves from their leader, Wa Ren Bradley – who yesterday urged the divine Emperor Nikuregu to take an active role in politics for once and formally dissolve the coalition with the Conservatives, or bring down national annihilation – tearfully professing their earnest, if tragically misguided, desire to prove their loyalty by falling poetically like the cherry blossom on May 5th.

“Wa Ren is a creature without honour,” they proclaimed dutifully as, with futile hopes for their eventual rebirth, they strapped on their traditional thousand vote lucky-charm belts. “It is our proud and sacred destiny to sacrifice our seats for the god-emperor Nikuregu.”

“Banzai!” they sobbed as they set off towards their waiting zeroes.

Their dying wish is to hurl themselves at a promising Labour target, plummeting desperately down the polls in the remote hope of taking at least one of their bitterest enemies to the bottom with them.

Labour campaigners, however, expressed a horrified scorn for the councillors’ meaningless self-immolation.

“Those deluded yellow bastards are such easy targets,” said one grizzled veteran. “This is going to be a real turkey shoot.”

“In more ways than one,” he added.

I’m Mobbed By Furtive Admirers Everywhere I Go, Whines Clegg

Between sobs, deputy prime minister Nick Clegg insisted that ordinary members of the public flocked to him everywhere he went, pushing their way through the furtive crush to whisper their embarrassed support for his fearless disregard of every moral principle of the party he leads.

Mr Clegg's heart will go on reminding him of the Titanic

In a tearful interview with Jemima Puddleduck, guest editor of the No Statesman, the LibDem leader also revealed that, tragically, he has only ever played tennis with David Cameron once, despite all the hints he has dropped by turning up at cabinet meetings with a Dunlop sports bag and wearing a sweatband.

“I’m a human being,” sniffed Mr Clegg, as the emotional grunts of Celine Dion played in the background. “I’m not a punchbag, Dave, I’ve got feelings.”

Finally breaking down completely, Mr Clegg ran upstairs and locked himself in the bathroom, wailing, “Imagine how I feel when my children come up to me and innocently ask me: ‘Why are you such a gutless opportunist, papa?’”

Just Rest Your Chin On This Post, Lib Dems Tell Clegg

Nurses have nearly mastered the bodyline technique

Senior party figures have just led Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg out onto the stage at their conference in Sheffield, and reassured him that the pole with a cup on top of it is has been thoughtfully provided as a chin rest in order to prevent neck strain.

“There is a tendency for public speakers to move their heads around a lot, as they try to make fleeting eye contact with all sections of the audience,” explained former cabinet minister Dame Shirley Williams. “We wouldn’t want you to do yourself an injury now, would we? Don’t you worry - that’s our job.”

Mr Clegg had previously allowed his hands to be tied firmly behind his back, to minimise the danger of dislocating a shoulder whilst making emphatic hand gestures during his speech.

Earlier, as rank-and-file party members queued outside, they had each been thoughtfully provided with several large cabbages to mark the party’s ongoing commitment to green issues.

“Mr Clegg was also pleased to hear that the LibDems’ NHS Cricket XI have been fastidiously practicing their bowling for weeks,” backbench MP Andrew George told reporters. “In fact, he assured me that he sincerely hopes they will be able to give him a demonstration of their speed and accuracy at the earliest opportunity.”

Clegg: Barnsley Wipeout Shows Lib Dems Remain Committed To Putting Others First

Mr Clegg is now even more eager for May's council elections

A remarkably cheerful Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg told reporters today that his party’s total wipeout at the hands of the Barnsley electorate was a sure sign that the people of Britain were at last beginning to feel the full benefit of his party’s compassionate influence on government policy.

“The message couldn’t be clearer,” insisted the sweating deputy prime minister. “The people of Barnsley Central are so confident that the current number of Liberal MPs is equal to the task of persuading the Conservatives to be nice to everybody that they feel that an extra one would simply have nothing to do all day.”

Asked why even his own party’s candidate had not voted Lib Dem, Mr Clegg clutched his own head for inspiration, biting his lip for several minutes before claiming that this amply demonstrated the selfless humility so typical of his party’s rank-and-file.

“What’s more,” he added desperately, “With only half as many votes as all the other candidates put together, Labour must be filling their pants knowing that it will take a decade at least before anybody forgets how awful things were under Brown and Blair.”

Meanwhile, displaying the same facility with numbers that it applies to immigration, second-placed UKIP told reporters that polling a fifth of the number of votes given to Labour’s candidate proved that, in fact, it was the real winner of the election and would shortly begin gathering a mighty invasion fleet at Barnsley’s Complete Koi and Aquatic Centre to liberate Continental Europe from the goose-stepping jackboot of Hitler.

Clegg Destroys Credibility Of Last Remaining Trustworthy LibDem MP

Mr Hughes will soon get used to his new self-igniting trousers

Simon Hughes, the sole remaining member of the Liberal Democrats with an ounce of public support, was fatally compromised today by his appointment by deputy PM Nick Clegg to sell to a sceptical public the hated tuition fees increase which he alone had the integrity to denounce.

Mr Hughes has already appeared in several interviews looking shifty and untrustworthy, and will soon be doing the same in schools up and down the country – thus ensuring that an entire generation of future voters will never vote Liberal Democrat for as long as they live.

“This is a master stroke by my very good friend Nick,” commented prime minister David Cameron. “Now that twerp Hughes looks even more two-faced than his party colleagues in the Cabinet. At least their craven behaviour is a product of simple human greed, which everyone can understand - but as he won’t get paid a penny extra for casting aside his precious principles, the only possible explanation is that he is gutless to the core.”

“The only way that any LibDem politicians can now hope to ever get themselves elected again,” he giggled, “Is to formally merge their party with ours, and stand as Conservatives. Something for LibDem councillors to think about between now and May, perhaps?”

LibDems Make Soothing Baby Noises At Students

Don't wee all over Mr Clegg, now

As protests continue today over proposals to hike tuition fees, there are signs that senior LibDem members of the coalition government are making efforts to patronise students. Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg leaned over this morning, put a finger to his lips and made amusing burbling noises, while business secretary Vince Cable made a sad face and offered them a sweet.

“I don’t like that man with the scary big forehead,” NUS president Aaron Porter told reporters, “He told me one or two students from really poor families might have slightly smaller debts than everyone else, but that’s no help to me and my friends.”

“And the baldy man thinks I’m going to gurgle with delight because he said he might not vote for his own silly idea,” he scowled. “Well, I wasn’t born yesterday. I’m 2, and I’ve got a badge that says so. The Lib Dems must think we’re stupid.”

A Lib Dem spokesman later asked why, if students weren’t stupid, they had believed that voting Liberal Democrat in May’s election would change anything.

“Besides, we’ve had a look at the A-level curriculum they all got A* grades in,” he added with a grin. “I ran it by my dog. He doesn’t even realise his tail is attached to him until he sinks his teeth into it, and he got Bs.”

Homelessness Will Be Easy To Bear Knowing That The Wealthy Might Be Paying Their Full 32.5% Tax, Assures Clegg

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg today promised faithfully to do something or other about rich individuals exploiting tax loopholes - which will fill victims of benefit cuts who lose their homes through stepped reductions in housing benefit with a nice warm glow, as they wrap themselves in old copies of the tax-dodging Sun while they huddle in the doorway of their local tax-dodging Tesco.

“What could possibly be fairer than rich people paying the full whopping 32.5%?” smiled Mr Clegg to a beaming Andrew Marr. “I’m sure it will be a great comfort to the poorest people in our society to know that, just as they are having to make economies by not eating for a couple of days every fortnight, some chap I went to school with is sharing their pain as he comes to the unpalatable conclusion that he’s jolly well going to have to hang on to the new Maserati for three years instead of two.”

The rich will just have to put up with this for a bit longer

Meanwhile, at a safe distance from the Lib Dem conference, rail union boss Bob Crow (salary: £133,183) was failing miserably in his efforts to promote his alternative scheme to the party’s rank-and-file membership, in which any posh geezas wot torks proppa gits their ‘eads slang dan the karzi an’ all ver bladdy assets confisculated gorblimey innit.

Dr Clegg Diagnoses OCD In Lib Dem Party

Lib Dems think they can never wash the stains off

Dr Nick Clegg today confirmed that his patient, the Liberal Democrats party, was clearly suffering from a textbook case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

“It’s a tragic but sadly typical case, in which party members obsess constantly about every passing opinion poll and headline,” explained the mental specialist. “Now, a normal person like me also reads every day about cuts, kicking the poor and the sick and letting the bankers carry on rewarding themselves – but, unlike these unfortunate lunatics, I don’t let it dominate my life. I just fill my mind with page 3 girls, celebrity gossip and the football results, and remind myself what really matters in the real world – namely, that cabinet members like me are now being paid more than any other Liberal MP in history – and get on with enjoying life to the full.”

Twitching, nervous members of the Lib Dems have been put in straitjackets and bussed to a mental health arena in Liverpool, where Dr Clegg will begin addressing their affliction by telling them there is no need to keep themselves squeaky clean, and to stop worrying about whether any of their policies are still in place.

Lib Dems Running About Starkers

Police were combing Britain today for streakers, after prime minister David Cameron whipped away the Lib Dems’ remaining fig leaf by announcing that he – and therefore all the other Tory MPs - would be voting against democratic reforms when the bill came up in the House of Commons.

Shortly after the announcement, a bollock-naked Deputy PM Nick Clegg was booted out of 10 Downing Street, clutching his goolies as he shuffled away.

Police switchboards in Lib Dem constituencies swiftly became jammed, as outraged members of the public phoned in sightings of their MPs disporting themselves in the altogether, without a stitch of credibility.

“These Lib Dem flashers cavorted brazenly as their policies were whipped off, one by one, by the leering Conservatives,” said a shocked onlooker. “And Vince Cable in the buff is not a sight for the faint-hearted, I can tell you.”

“Although we were a bit bashful at first, after one or two of our policies were removed we soon took to it, because the feeling of power was quite sexy,” admitted one Lib Dem nudist, under cover of anonymity (except to anyone who might recognise the mole on his scrotum). “And after a while we got quite accustomed to the liberating feeling of fresh air blowing through the empty covers of our manifesto. But we caught a bit of a chill in our privates when Mr Cameron asked every department to outline 40% cuts – and now that he’s ensured that our dreams of proportional representation will come to nothing, we’re left standing here with our limp dicks on display for all to see. It’s embarrassing, frankly, and I feel dirty and used.”

Mr Cameron was unrepentant, however, telling reporters that the Lib Dems would come crawling back for one public shafting after another “because they love it really.”

That Historic Coalition Government In Full

With the formation of Britain’s first coalition government since 1945, just what are the key political assignations ceded to the Liberal Democrats?

Deputy Dawg: Nick Clegg. Mr Clegg will use this key position to radically influence the new government’s policies, in much the same way that John Prescott influenced Tony Blair.
Stationery Cupboard: Vince Cable. Armed with his trusty Casio fx-85, the redoubtable Lib Dem financial wizard will bring his formidable calculator to bear on Whitehall’s stocks of pastel-shaded A4.
Flowerpot Man: Chris Huhne. The other Liberal Democrat the public have heard of will be responsible for telling the public we’re all going to die at regular intervals. The messages, that is. Not the dying.
Head Prefect: possibly David Laws. Mr Laws is expected to receive a shiny badge.
Pict-Goader: possibly Danny Alexander. The incumbent will have the key role of being moaned at rather a lot by the SNP.

Meanwhile, the Green Party has opened its hairy arms to any Lib Dem MPs terrified at the prospect of having some responsibility for the first time in their lives.

Labour, Tories, BNP Unite To Denounce Lib Dem Threat To Britain

Gordon Brown and David Cameron today stood shoulder-to-shoulder with BNP leader Nick Angriff to warn voters of the grave threat to the British way of life if they voted Liberal Democrat.

"Make no mistake," urged PM Gordon Brown. "The Lib Dems want nothing more than to disrupt our cherished tradition of democratic dictatorships, trampling the apathy that is the birthright of every British man, woman and child with their wicked plans for a hung parliament."

"Think about it," agreed Tory hopeful David Cameron. "Do you really want complicated and very, very boring issues to be debated daily in the public arena, i.e. on GMTV while you're eating your cornflakes or whatever it is that ordinary people do? No, apparently you want flimsy promotional interviews with actors and Britain's Got Talent hopefuls, or so my valet assures me."

"Obviously I oppose anything that threatens dictatorship, democratic or otherwise," added wonky-faced Nazi leader Nick Angriff. "No, let me finish. Oh - you did."

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg remains unabashed, however, as an opinion poll dreamed up today by the Sun put his evil party ahead at 33% of the imaginary votes people might cast if they existed.

"Bwah ha ha ha," he explained.

Faceless, Policy-Free Party Denies Similarities To Faceless, Policy-Free Party

The Liberal Democrats have been quick to pour scorn on David Cameron's claim that there are now fewer policy differences between them and the Conservatives.

"Don't make me laugh," said Lib Dem chief of staff Membership No. 30624474. "The Tories have a smiling, insincere vacuum of a man at the helm, and the voters haven't the faintest idea of their beliefs and core values, or indeed whether they even have any."

"Er... can I get back to you later?" he added.