Public Warned Not To Approach Dangerous Union Fugitive

The evil al-Cluskey, spreading his sick message of hate

Police today urged the public to report any sightings of Unite gang boss Len McCluskey, who is on the run after threatening to rain dire doom and destruction down upon the Olympic Games, but warned them not to approach the desperate fugitive for their own safety.

Prime minister David Cameron declared McCluskey the most dangerous criminal on the loose in Britain today, and urged people to stay in their jobs until the anti-terrorist forces have done what needs to be done.

Meanwhile McCluskey’s maiden aunt, Ed Miliband, made a tearful TV appeal to the fugitive to give himself up to the authorities amid growing fears that he may be trying to return to familiar home territory, the 1970s.

“We love you, Len, as a valuable member of our little family,” sobbed the old lady whose struggle to keep him on the straight and narrow have come to nothing. “But think of the harm you’re doing to your loved ones with all this fighting talk, just when we thought people were beginning to forgive us after all these years of being shunned and spat at in the streets. Please, please - just give up and let us move on.”

Unions Urge Labour Party To Cut Disability Costs

Union leaders are continuing to demand action from the Labour Party on the thorny issue of disability cuts, after chronic disability Miliband 2 pointedly refused to discuss his crippling leadership.

Look - he's perfectly capable of doing Mr Cameron's job

“This pitiful waster is costing the Labour movement millions of votes it simply can’t afford to go without,” wailed Len McCluskey, general secretary of Unite, as the stumbling leader of the opposition lamely chose not to make any reference to unpopular welfare reforms pushed through the House of Lords yesterday during his long self-pitying whine about his own special problems.

Meanwhile, Lord Fraud – who successfully steered the government’s controversial bill through the upper chamber last night by explaining that disabled people were a sub-species of crab and, although there was no evidence for it, it was a scientific fact - chipped in by pointing out that there were many useful jobs which Miliband 2 was perfectly capable of, such as leading the Labour Party to defeat at the next general election.

Just Carry On Working, They Won’t Be Expecting That - Balls

Balls, the shadow chancellor, has solemnly warned the unions not to strike over swingeing attacks on employment rights it took generations to win, as they would be falling into the trap of doing exactly what the Tories would expect.

Balls

“We in the Labour Party know exactly how the Tories think, because we spent 13 years practicing,” Balls pointed out. “George Osborne’s tactic is a classic Tory ploy – mount an all-out assault on workers’ rights until they strike, then blame the strikers for everything bad that has ever happened.”

“The only way the unions can avoid this self-defeating outcome is to roll over and passively submit to every government attack,” he advised. “That’s the very last thing the Tories would expect, and they simply have no effective answer to that. They’ll just keep blindly cutting pay, stealing pensions and removing workplace rights willy-nilly - and all the time the unions will be smiling serenely, which will really give them something to worry about.”

“I would say the best course of action the unions could take to throw the Tories into disarray would be to abolish themselves completely,” added Balls, “But I’ve just seen some of the printers’ bills for the leaflets we stuffed into letterboxes for the local elections, and they’re not going to pay themselves.”

World To End On 30 June, Predict Union Fundamentalists

They'll have some explaining to do on 1 July

The world will definitely end on the last day of June, evangelical socialists in the public service unions announced today.

According to their archaic beliefs, a series of all-powerful public sector strikes are certain to herald the end of all things. Much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments are expected as parents vainly seek a place of safety for their children when the gates of schools yawn shut, marauding bands of criminals roam the streets unchecked by absent police support staff and the skies are swept clean of flights by air traffic controllers caught up in the rapture.

Rational minds in the government remain sceptical, however, pointing out that obscure union sects have predicted the end of the world many times before - especially in the seventies, when woefully-misguided forecasts of impending doom were almost a daily occurrence.

“Don’t you worry,” smiled Cabinet Office minister Francis Maude scornfully. “We’ll still be here in July, and for a long time after that.”

LibDems Find And Destroy Last Remaining Shred Of Credibility

Deputy PM Nick Clegg wept for joy today, as business secretary Vince Cable – the only remaining Liberal Democrat in the disgraced party thought to retain any trace of liberalism – warned the unions that the strongest anti-union laws in Europe would have to tightened up if they actually tried to exercise their few remaining rights to strike.

No more Mr Nice Guy

The avuncular economist told jeering delegates at the GMB union’s conference that it was all right if, say, a small-scale walkout or two took place in a minor provincial town or two – but if any strike action should affect one of Rupert Murdoch’s journalists in even the most minor way, as an elected representative of the people he would be left with no alternative but to do whatever the Sun says.

“The pressure on us to act would ratchet up,” he warned, as trade unionists booed and hissed. "That is something which both you, and certainly I, would want to avoid, as I rather like my ministerial salary and the car and stuff.”

“Believe it or not, neither we nor the Tories are that keen to make all forms of industrial action illegal, because that would mean outlawing a basic human right that no Western leader since Hitler has dared to abolish,” he added, as the stage filled up with cabbages. “Nevertheless, I want you to realise that Mr Rupert Murdoch is very taken by the idea. Sorry, brother. I just do what I’m told, and so will you.”

Striking Hobbitses Down Tools In Shire

Negotiations left hobbit reps feeling rather disappointed

Last-minute talks between hobbit leaders and the race of men have broken down, according to reports coming out of the Shire. The rural backwater is expected to descend rapidly into chaos, as militant hobbits withdraw their labour and spend all day in the pub.

Discussions broke down when the wise Lord Peter of Bree – who has been trying without success to hire non-unionised hobbitses – threatened to transport the Shire in its entirety to Middle Europe. Hobbit representatives promptly stumped out of the meeting, although they had to ask one of Lord Peter’s men to open the door for them as none of them could reach the handle.

“Lord Peter do refuse to give us minimum guarantees of wages or working conditions,” the hobbitses’ main negotiator, Bilbo Baggins, told waiting scribes. “Us hobbits’ve got no objection in principle to working with dwarves, as long as they shares their gold with us, but clearly dragons do raise all sorts of health and safety issues which we feel haven’t been properly addressed.”

Lord Peter, meanwhile, warned that if he magically uprooted the Shire to Central Europe, a terrible drought would fall upon Middle Earth.

“First there will come a terrible drought of American money-giants, as I am the sole dreamweaver in the entire realm,” he predicted. “Then another drought, more direful even than the first, will blight the land as thousands of happy wandering gnomes from far across the oceans decide not to bother with the long and arduous journey to these picturesque shores any more. Eventually, only the nibblesome sheep will remain. Hearken; for I, Lord Peter, have foretold this.”

Meanwhile, in the Shire, hobbitses put their big hairy feet up and settled down, dismissing rumours that Lord Peter might, in his anger, send sorcerous flying machines to destroy their irrigation dams.

“He’m been a-gassin’ about that afore,” said old Gaffer Gamgee dismissively, on the picket line barring access to the toll road into the Shire. “Well, oi tells ‘ee, oi’ll believe they when oi sees they.”

‘Yes, We Are Utter Shits – What Of It?’ Bank Governor Lets It Slip

Are any of these people wearing a cloth cap? Don't be silly

Bank of England Governor Mervyn King today confessed to the TUC annual congress that yes, bankers are reckless thieving shits and no, there isn’t bugger all that the unions can do about it.

“You may be thinking that the banking profession is rammed to the rafters with evil, grasping weasels who care absolutely nothing for the widespread misery they have caused by their cynical trashing of the global economy,” he told fuming delegates. “Well, you’re absolutely right. Yes we are. And your point is…?”

“Well, boo hoo. Here’s how it works,” he explained. “We spend every day in a great big casino, being paid silly amounts to slap your pension fund down on a big roulette table – except, instead of numbers, it has loads of made-up names that nobody pretends to understand, like ‘Structured Investment Vehicle’. If it comes up, we get a huge bonus, we slap down your winnings, and we carry on betting. If it doesn’t, we get a huge bonus, we tell the government of the day to give us the rest of your money, and we carry on betting. Then, when we lose that, we give ourselves another huge bonus, tell the government to give us an IOU for all the money you’ll make for the rest of your miserable lives, and we carry on betting.”

“Now, the more astute among you may possibly have spotted that you have absolutely no input whatsoever at any point in the proceedings,” he continued with a smile. “Well, that’s absolutely correct – because, if you did, you might well decide that the best plan was to turn around and walk out of the casino with all your money. And then we bankers would have nothing to do except order some drinks, which we’d even have to pay for out of our own pockets. Whoops – I let it slip.”

“So that leaves me with one question, which is why I’ve come here today,” he concluded. “How exactly do you think a national strike is going to affect this process? Help me out here, because we’ve been laughing and scratching our heads over it all week.”