Molotov Cocktail Not A Proper Bomb, Insists Ecclestone

As Team India staff begged Bernie Ecclestone to release them from indentured servitude and let them go home to their families after a petrol bomb narrowly missed them on a Bahrain motorway, the billionaire F1 microbe smoothly insisted that the Gulf state remains nothing less than a veritable oasis of love and harmony.

“A Molotov cocktail isn’t a real bomb at all,” he explained. “It’s more of a kid’s toy, actually.”

Mr Ecclestone decides to avoid the traffic jams

“What you have to understand is that Bahrain is sadly lacking in supervised play areas,” squeaked Mr Ecclestone from his luxury armoured personnel carrier. “The lovable local street urchins have to make their own entertainment with whatever they happen to find lying about. Since all the cash that used to float around on the breeze now belongs to me, that only leaves them with a giant underground lake of petrochemicals to amuse themselves with.”

“It’s just a bit of harmless fun,” he beamed indulgently as one of his APC’s eight wheels suddenly flew through the air with an entertaining bang, adding: “You cheeky little buggers! I know your dads!”

Guardian Readers Strangely Muted On Travesty Of Justice Involving Tragic Rich Rioter

Laura Johnson, the millionaire’s daughter convicted today of taking part in last summer’s riots, is reported to be mystified by the ongoing lack of outraged protest on her behalf from Britain’s sympathetic left-wingers.

The rioter even Alan Rusbridger can't defend

“Laura’s future hopes have been cruelly consigned to the scrapheap by this uncaring government,” pointed out no-one at all. “Nobody with a wanky humanities degree from Exeter has a hope in hell of ever getting a job. Employers know it’s a worthless piece of paper which only proves that daddy couldn’t swing her a place at Oxford or Cambridge.”

“Instead of brutally throwing the full force of the law against this poor bewildered mentalist simply for taking her mates for a spin, we should all be asking ourselves how each and every one of us selfishly inflicted depression on her by not making her life perfect in every concievable way,” added nobody else.

Hand-wringing sociologists believe the automatic lefty exoneration which has been universally claimed for every other rioter may, in Laura’s case, have evaporated when the court revealed that she had, unpardonably, acquired a packet of evil fags with the undeniable intention of poisoning a groovy liberal child with her toxic second-hand smoke.

Riot Panel Should Be Fined For Illogicality, Say Schools

Schools have suggested that the Riots, Communities and Victims Panel should be fined for failing to achieve minimum levels of logicality, after years of pent-up rage and anger suddenly exploded today into full-scale disturbances in teachers’ common rooms all over Britain.

A sickening and inexcusable display of violence

“If you can’t produce a reasoned conclusion from a basic premise, what hope is there for you?” yelled a furious deputy head in Croydon, as he filled his breast pocket with board markers from a threadbare stationary cupboard. “Their specious argument that teaching will somehow improve with less funding available just goes to show what little chance these children have of ever making a valuable contribution to society.”

“I blame low expectations,” shouted a masked deputy head in Tottenham. “These slackers know the public expect all of society’s woes to be our fault and nobody else’s. It’s sheer cynical opportunism.”

“That’s two Ps,” he shouted as he grabbed a TV and ran off to show Shakespeare In Love to Year 10. “Look it up.”

Public Warned Not To Approach Dangerous Union Fugitive

The evil al-Cluskey, spreading his sick message of hate

Police today urged the public to report any sightings of Unite gang boss Len McCluskey, who is on the run after threatening to rain dire doom and destruction down upon the Olympic Games, but warned them not to approach the desperate fugitive for their own safety.

Prime minister David Cameron declared McCluskey the most dangerous criminal on the loose in Britain today, and urged people to stay in their jobs until the anti-terrorist forces have done what needs to be done.

Meanwhile McCluskey’s maiden aunt, Ed Miliband, made a tearful TV appeal to the fugitive to give himself up to the authorities amid growing fears that he may be trying to return to familiar home territory, the 1970s.

“We love you, Len, as a valuable member of our little family,” sobbed the old lady whose struggle to keep him on the straight and narrow have come to nothing. “But think of the harm you’re doing to your loved ones with all this fighting talk, just when we thought people were beginning to forgive us after all these years of being shunned and spat at in the streets. Please, please - just give up and let us move on.”

Rest Of Britain Supposed To Thank Thatcher For Not Shooting Everyone In Liverpool

Thatcher could have prevented this. But she didn't

Following the release of cabinet papers under the 30-year rule, that part of Britain which is not Scouse is wondering today if it is really expected to thank Mrs Thatcher for not sending tooled-up police and the army into Liverpool at the height of the 1981 riots with orders to execute the entire population, starting with its iconic comedy tax fiddler, Ken Dodd.

Meanwhile, the people of Liverpool itself are wondering what it was that happened to their beloved city during the subsequent nine years, given that Mrs Thatcher apparently rejected the advice of then-chancellor Sir Geoffrey Howe and other cabinet ministers to abandon the city to a “managed decline”.

“Ey! Ey! P’raps she juss didden laik th’ ‘managed’ paaht. Ey!” squeaked some objectionable professional Scouser, possibly John Bishop.

Riots Panel Shocked To Find Pessimism In Young Hellhole Inmates Facing Lives Of Penury

Chin up

The panel charged with reporting on the August riots says it is shocked to find that a surprising number of young people marginalised by an unbreakable cycle of poverty, deprivation, violence and urban decay are, for some unknown reason, neglecting to bounce up and down with pure, unadulterated joie de vivre.

“Well, this is a turn-up for the books, isn’t it,” gasped the panel’s chairman, former Jobcentreplus head Darra Singh. “Whoever would have thought that emerging from school, clutching a handful of pitiful noddy qualifications, and tumbling straight into a yawning chasm of broken dreams, would lead to feelings of disappointment? Don’t these ungrateful young pups relish a bit of a challenge?”

“I’m afraid we haven’t the faintest idea why these riots happened,” he went on, for 111 pages.

Metropolitan Police Looking Forward To Pot-A-Trot Week

Police will be inviting students to give them an excuse

London’s finest are said to be eagerly anticipating the long-awaited return of Pot-a-Trot Week, following the announcement that they will be issued with baton rounds for Wednesday’s student jamboree against tuition fees, cuts, inequality and other things that don’t concern them.

“We haven’t been able to give the public what for like this since the General Strike of 1926, so called because police officers were generally free to strike anyone who looked at them in a socialist manner,” commented a gleeful Commander Simon Pounding, in charge of the operation. “Happy days.”

“Pot-a-Trot week is about charity, looking out for people, being smartly dressed and giving a sporting something back to the community,” he added. “And when my lads see anyone sporting a silly haircut or dressed like an explosion in a charity shop, they’re all looking forward to giving them what for. And that’s going to smart.”

Shock Stats Prove Majority Of August’s Looters Were Little Toerags

All across the UK, households are struggling to take in the astounding statistical analysis which shows that almost everyone involved in August’s orgy of looting and arson was in fact a little toerag.

“Excel cannot lie,” declared senior Ministry of Justice analyst Michael Spreadsheet. “Astonishing as it may seem, many of these young criminals appear to be criminals.”

The data shows an inevitable trend in the toerag lifecycle, which begins with being spawned in mass poverty, struggling energetically towards exclusion from school and a series of police cautions, before the toerag larva finally catches its first community sentence. From there, it is but a short step to rioting, looting, arson and ultimately mass murder for the few hatchlings that reach adulthood.

Beautiful photography, Sir David

Contrary to what biologists previously believed, however, it appears that the toerag is not much given to roaming in packs.

“These are not social animals,” commented TV’s Sir David Attenborough. “Co-operation requires a certain amount of intelligence. If you want to know more about these fascinating but little-understood creatures, don’t miss my forthcoming series, Shitty Planet.”

Jive Talking Has Polluted The Aryan Will, Insists Historian

The eminent constitutional historian David Bonkey, the cleverest man in Britain today, has raised eyebrows with his startling claim that last week’s outbreaks of mass looting are the inevitable result of the creeping infiltration of pernicious boogie-woogie culture into white society over the past half-century.

"And, I tell you, some of them are this long"

“Just listen to the flower of Aryan youth talking nowadays,” shuddered Bonkey on Newsnight yesterday. “Why, they speak of little else but grooving ghastly indentations into gaily-coloured plastic bags every night, which inevitably results in fusing the electrics and burning down the entire wigwam, or igloo.”

“I am not condemning such behaviour out of hand - no, of course not,” he insisted. “It is entirely appropriate if confined to long-established darky reservations, such as the Dutch municipality of Haarlem. But what an appalling failure of the will to power it represents when transplanted unnaturally into the superior white mind.”

“The flashpoint occurs when these corrupted white youths - whipped into a lather by their cassette tapes of ‘chip-shop’-style ‘wrappers’ - realise they will never be as magnificently over-endowed as a proud darky stallion, such as I have experienced personally on many delightful occasions,” he continued. “Maddened by sexual frustration, they descend upon the nearest shopping centre, seeking to re-connect with the manifest destiny that flows in their blood by stealing consumer items which only the industrious master race can afford.”

Dr Bonkey concluded by wondering if Britain should follow the example of other great Aryan nations, by introducing legislation to restrict the sale of plastic bags.

Other media-friendly academics have since been queueing up to offer their considered opinions on the rioting, with Richard Dawkins saying it would never have happened if people stopped believing that God helps those who help themselves.

UN Urged To Act Against Hated Cameron Kleptocracy

With the kleptocratic British regime of David Cameron now threatening to cut off communications and deploy the army against its own civilians, the UN Security Council is to meet in emergency session later to discuss what action the international community should take against the isolated rogue state as it teeters on the brink of civil war.

Give him a good kick up the assets

“For years now, the downtrodden people of the United Kingdom have endured a permanent state of emergency, with the government cynically whipping up a state of fear against a constantly-touted threat which is, in reality, almost entirely fictitious,” observed former Cameron ally King Abdullah of Jordan, who is leading calls to topple the hated despot. “Now, when the voice of the people makes itself heard, Cameron falls back on the traditional tools of the tyrant – denying his people their freedom of speech, and threatening to send armed troops against unarmed civilians.”

“We implore the civilised nations of the world to boycott British goods until Cameron and his loot-laden government are toppled,” echoed King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. “As of today, for example, my government is cancelling all orders for British military hardware and will be buying US and French weapons instead.”

Bahrain’s King Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa, meanwhile, called on the UN Security Council to authorise the assembly of a coalition force to deny the British Army’s capacity to subjugate the cowering population, by targeting its depots and barracks with all-out strikes. Others, however, have counselled against precipitate bombing, preferring to wait and see if the rank-and-file troops will rise up against their privileged officer class and refuse to obey orders to assault the impoverished ghettoes from which so many of them are recruited.

The American UN delegate, however, commented: “WTF?”

Great British Public Has Cunning Plan

The public may have gone back to swing in its favourite tyre

After three days of intense brain exercising, the British public has come up with a cunning plan which, it confidently predicts, will put an end to criminality for ever.

The plan is understood to centre around withdrawing all benefits from anyone found in a public place wearing a hood or a black skin, and will dissuade such outlaws from committing opportunistic theft to enhance their material wealth by forcing them to spend their every waking hour committing essential theft simply to stay alive.

The public are understood to have subsequently gone off somewhere to lie down.

Newsnight’s Gavin Esler welcomed the foolproof formula for national survival by pointing his twisted hole at a young black man and ridiculing him in the name of public entertainment, while colleague Fiona Armstrong stretched Darcus Howe on a rack until he confessed to being a lifelong black.

Selfish, Materialistic Society Condemns Selfish, Materialistic Looters

As Britain burns in a lawless orgy of looting, a nation which has spent the last thirty years gleefully constructing a selfish, materialistic, devil-take-the-hindmost hell for itself erupted in fury last night at the selfish, materialistic actions of the hindmost.

“How bloody dare they?” spluttered Marcus Fellows, a Croydon call centre manager, as borough after borough descended into lawless disorder. “I pay 30% of my hard-earned salary so these ungrateful bastards can squat in their opulent council palaces, shooting up with all the horse tranquilisers they can lay their hands on. Look, I paid £650 for this bloody iPad 2 – where’s my comfortable feeling of entitlement gone when every skanky little toerag decides he’s just as entitled to one as me?”

London this morning

Elsewhere, incensed Bristol-based accountant James White spoke for many as he demanded the immediate deployment of riot squads with orders to take down anyone seen wearing brand new trainers.

“What’s called for is the same sort of heavy-handed confrontational policing that I condemned so roundly in December when the students were demonstrating over tuition fees,” he snarled. “While it was unacceptably brutal when my middle-class son Tom was on the sharp end of it, crude violence is obviously the only language the underclass understand.”

His wife Jessica, whose idea of grinding poverty is having to keep a car for three years instead of two, scoffed at the idea that people like her had in any way contributed to the creation of the underclass monster which was suddenly rampaging through Britain’s high streets.

“As Margaret Thatcher said back in the eighties, there is no such thing as society,” she pointed out shrilly. “So don’t you dare try to blame anything on me or I’ll call the police, you murdering communist bastard.”

Get Those Skiving Operation Weeting Officers Back On The Streets, Urge Papers

Stop skulking in there and do some proper policing

Dozens of trained police officers are loafing in offices, drinking cups of coffee and wasting everyone’s time by poking their noses into harmless emails when they should be out there restoring law and order to London’s burning boroughs, fume Britain’s tabloids this morning.

News International supremo James Murdoch told reporters: “Our glorious cities are being blitzed by heaven-sent scum even as I speak, yet the stuffed shirts at Scotland Yard see fit to keep hordes of trained officers sitting on their lardy arses in front of computers for no better reason than a perverse determination to tear down the generations of trust which have been built up between the British public and the papers they love.”

“What Acting Chief Commissioner Godwin needs to do, if he expects a nicely-paid column in the Sun waiting for him when he retires,” he added in his most concerned voice, “Is to issue these spiteful wasters with a helmet and a riot shield, wind them up and set them off around the North Circular looking for the real troublemakers, god bless ‘em.”

I’m Fine For TVs and Beer Thanks, Chaps, Says Boris

Chin up, chaps

Declining mounting calls to cut short his holiday and get back to the riot-torn city he governs, mayor Boris Johnson has sent a text message to Londoners in which he reassures them that, if it is all the same to them, he is adequately supplied with all the LCD television sets, laptops, trackies and booze he requires.

“Cripes, I say! Bit of a kerfuffle going on north of the river, judging from what I saw on BBC Worldwide this morning,” exclaimed the tousled Tory. “Jolly decent of you chaps to invite me to the jamboree, but, but here’s the thing, old Bojo’s not entirely what you’d call short of entertainments already. Friend Plod has my full support for it, er, whatever it is he’s doing about it. Carry on, there.”

Meanwhile, many of those who looted the Tottenham Hale branch of PC World in the small hours of Saturday morning have already returned to complain about the abundant shortcomings of the computers they stole, and promised themselves a raid on an Apple Store tonight instead.

Pentagon Keen To Know Whether Tottenham Has Oil

After last night’s popular uprising by the oppressed masses of Tottenham, top American generals are desperately trying to ascertain the existence of significant oil reserves in the smouldering North London borough.

The bus symbolises the dead hand of state repression (possibly)

“It’s too early to tell, at this stage, whether we should be supporting the Tottenham rebels by the interdiction of the government forces’ capacity to retaliate, or with a strategic injection of military deployment on the ground,” commented President Obama. “Certainly, after his recent ravings about the US economy, the toppling of David Cameron by his own downtrodden people would not be entirely unwelcome here in Washington.”

Optimistic rebel leaders in Tottenham, meanwhile, were keen to display a haul of fragrance oil sprays liberated from the hated Body Shop oppressors last night, along with a quantity of Johnson’s Baby Oil captured during the heroic assault on the reactionary citadel of Boots the Chemist.

“An’ there’s, like, loads more oils an’ shit stockpiled in Superdrug what we in’t even totched yet, right?” said a sweaty man in a balaclava. “So, Mister US President blud, what ‘bout your Apache gunships is like givin’ da pigs da shiz 4 real tonight, like, innit?”