Government To Employ Everyone To Read Everyone Else’s Emails

Unemployment will soon be a thing of the past, with the government today guaranteeing jobs for life for everyone in Britain as it announced plans to spy on everything you say, do and think.

Welcome to your new job

“Not everyone is a terrorist or paedophile, obviously,” acknowledged home secretary Theresa May. “But everyone might be, which is all the excuse we need to do what Labour had the bare-faced cheek to suggest when they were in power.”

Under the Home Office proposals, everyone will be required to spend at least five hours a day monitoring and transcribing your calls, emails, text messages, social networking ,browsing history, facial expressions and body language, then pass it round until somebody eventually decides to send the police round to arrest you.

The Queen is expected to formally announce the plans to turn her country into China when she opens the next session of Parliament next month, if she knows what’s good for her.

“I heard that,” snapped Mrs May.

It’s OK to Offend People, Mumbles String-Haired Seppo Airhead

Singer, actor, vajazzle installation pioneer

Ribena - a blaring mouth on legs who genuinely believes her ‘Straw Man goes to Belsen’ look is not only morally acceptable, but also in some way desirable – today informed millions of mystified BBC viewers that it is perfectly OK to offend people, but only if you have a silly name and make a comfortable living by prancing about in front of young children in your knickers.

“For a minute there, I thought this incoherent stick person was blurting out some sort of impassioned defence of free speech,” said a spokesman for freedom-of-expression campaign group The Manifesto Club. “But no, apparently not. When expert sound engineers edited out all the grunting noises, the few words that remained claim that thrusting her fadge in your kids’ faces whilst wearing a pair of fishnets and nothing else is at the cutting edge of Art, and anyone who's worried that their pre-teen daughter might do likewise is Stalin on steroids.”

“Oh, and it seems Ribena would very much like an Oscar for dressing up in a $200m game of snakes and ladders, or some such rubbish,” he added. “On the plus side, I gather she’ll be keeping her Aunt Jemima covered up for a full hour and a quarter. So that’s a first.”

Nev Filter Still Waiting For Police To Arrest Editor

The Nev Filter is still waiting for the police to come and arrest its editor and writer, after committing the same “racially-motivated public order offence” that 19-year-old Azhar Ahmed was charged with yesterday by the West Yorkshire force.

Racist bastard Nev reckons they should all be sent home

“Obviously, like Mr Ahmed, at the time I wasn’t actually aware that British soldiers were a distinct racial group as such,” admitted evil racist Nev, “But in law, ignorance is no defence and I am currently waiting for justice to be done all over me.”

Strangely, hardly any of the national papers could find space to cover Mr Ahmed’s – or indeed Nev’s – vile claim that British soldiers’ lives might in some way be over-valued in the media. The honourable exception was, naturally, the Daily Mail, which sensibly called for Mr Ahmed – and therefore, presumably, Nev – to be kicked out of Britain immediately for having the cheek to speak the heresy that Afghan lives were in some way equivalent to British ones.

“I expect that, like the papers, the police are simply too busy at the moment hunting everyone who has ever come into contact with Rebekah Brooks,” mused Nev, as he patiently made himself another coffee whilst waiting for the inevitable and richly-deserved knock on the door. “Apart from David Cameron, of course, who only ever went within a mile of her if someone can dig out a photograph of it.”

Country-Blocking Twitter Development Poses No Threat To Freedom Of Stuff, Say Online Paragons

This living saint says it's OK

Millions of grass-roots defenders of free stuff swiftly put down their trusty keyboards yesterday to mount a viral campaign of complete silence, after Twitter unveiled a way of blocking all messages from entire countries which has absolutely no impact on the basic human right to steal other people’s stuff.

“,” declared staunch free-stuff supporters Anonymous, summing up the concerns of ethical campaigners across the globe, as they deployed hard-hitting distributed denial-of-service attacks on no multinational corporations or government agencies in response to the uncontroversial move from Twitter which – although allowing oppressive governments to silence citizens’ protests with just one simple email – will preserve their fundamental freedom to help themselves to copyright material.

“We believe the new, more granular approach to withheld content is a good thing for freedom of expression,” a Twitter spokesman lied through his teeth. “If you think you have a problem with the logic of that sentence, please stop worrying about it right now and concentrate on the awful fate of Megaupload instead.”

Nev Filter Annoys World By Staying Online

As the small, insignificant part of the world which is not the United States somehow manages to bump along for a day without the sum total of human knowledge which is Wikipedia, the Nev Filter proudly announced that it would be joining the heroic struggle to piss off internet users by continuing to shovel the usual rubbish into the worldwide web.

“SOPA – I have no sodding idea what that stands for, because I can’t wiki it – is undoubtedly the greatest threat to freedom the world has ever seen,” railed the horrified editor of the world’s most popular Plymouth-based satire site. “If you don’t contact a random US senator immediately to uphold Americans’ god-given right to steal anything they like off the internet, tomorrow your face will be nailed shut by some malevolent bastard from Sony Entertainment with a hammer. Have I got that right? It’s bloody impossible to check anything.”

While many essential toys – including Wikipedia, Reddit and the unmissable ‘Bobbi-Lee’s Kra-Z Life Of A Minnesota Mom (And Family!)’ blog – have been thrown out of the internet’s pram for 24 hours by their liberty-loving boards of directors, the Nev Filter has decided instead that the best way it can help to force the world’s attention onto this purely domestic US matter whether it cares or not is to adopt Facebook’s policy of continuing to irritate the crap out its long-suffering user base.

Freed Suu Kyi Makes Bee-Line For Nearest Estate Agent

An ideal place for holding parties in

The newly-released Burmese political activist Aung San Suu Kyi surprised pro-democracy campaigners by abruptly pushing through the cheering throng which had gathered outside the house on the shores of Rangoon’s Inya Lake, where she has spent 15 of the last 21 years under house arrest, hailing a passing taxi and speeding off to the nearest estate agent.

“We are pleased to offer a highly desirable lakeside property, just arrived on the market, at a very reasonable price,” smiled estate agent Khin Myat. “It has a variety of unusual features which may appeal in particular to the security-conscious family, such as CCTV cameras in every room and a well-furnished playroom for government soldiers. The owner is hoping for a quick sale, preferably today.”

“I am not at liberty to give a guide price,” he explained regretfully, “Since, like the rest of my people, I’m not at liberty to do anything without the military government’s permission.”

China Demands Arrest Of Nobel Prize Ringleaders

The Chinese government is still at something of a loss to understand why their Norwegian counterparts have still not rounded up the ringleaders of the Nobel Foundation, after they outrageously awarded the Peace Prize to imprisoned Chinese human rights activist Liu Xiaobo.

“This award is an obscenity,” shrieked foreign minister Yang Jiechi. “If - as the racist Norwegian authorities claim - the Nobel Foundation is truly an independent organisation over which they exert no control, why on earth have they not locked them all up and thrown away the key?”

Lucy Liu is not related to Liu Xiaobo, says China, so there's no need to bother yourselves about him

Fears are growing in the world’s democracies that, if the Chinese do not obtain satisfaction from the Norwegians, they may react against this overt act of bigotry by switching their vast industrial capacity to making things that actually work.

“The only thing keeping Western economies in business is consumer knowledge that the products they manufacture might very well continue to function satisfactorily after 366 days,” warned the Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers. “If the Chinese should break into that market, frankly, my advice is to start planting rice fast.”

The US and UK governments are in urgent talks with the Norwegians, pointing out that all that give-me-liberty-or-give-me-death crap is really rather passé nowadays.

University Upholds Protest Professor's Freedom Of Sack

A professor of anthropology has been suspended by the University of East Enders for saying nasty, hurtful things about bankers on the radio.

Speaking on Radio 4's PM programme after Sir Fred Badwin's Edinburgh home was slightly damaged by dangerous insurrectionists earler in the week, Professor Chris Peasant made several leaden jokes about hanging the much-maligned financiers from lamp-posts.

The prestigious University of East Enders has confirmed that Professor Peasant has been suspended from his job and neck, pending investigation into whether he has been preaching sedition to first-year students taking his module, 'Killing The Rich: Ritual Sacrifice in Modern Tribal Society'. The university said that while it remained absolutely committed to upholding the right to freedom of expression, it was even more committed to the continuation of its funding from the government.

Police have warned that several notorious activist groups from the 1990s - including the Newbury Bypass protesters and the University of Plymouth's infamous Rent Strike Committee - are reforming and forging new alliances dedicated to the single-minded aim of overthrowing the established world order and ushering in a new Dark Age of death and destruction.

"Handy that we've just taken delivery of another six thousand Tasers, then," smiled a Home Office spokesman. "Incitement to violence is unacceptable and, by making these ill-judged comments, Professor Peasant has recklessly incited police officers to zap the living shit out of anybody sporting a goatee or a hand-knitted Peruvian jumper inside the M25 next weekend."

Never Say Terror Again, Urges Retired Superspy

Top retired British secret agent, James Bond, says the UK government is exploiting the fear of terrorism to bring in laws that restrict civil liberties.

Speaking to Spanish newspaper La Vanguardia, the former agent 007 said: "It would be better that the government recognished that there were rishksh, rather than frightening people in order to be able to pash lawsh which reshtrict shivil libertiesh, preshishely one of the objectsh of terrorishm - that we live in fear and under a polishe shtate."

He then offered to have brief, meaningless sex with his attractive female interviewer, despite being old enough to be her grandfather.

Agent 007's comments follow hard on the heels of yesterday's report by the SPECTRE-controlled International Commission of Jurists - which claimed that, in the name of the 'war on terror', the UK and US governments had actively undermined international law.

Commander Bond's Martini-fuelled fumblings were instantly relayed from his luxurious hotel suite, via an ingenious satellite link concealed in a condom, directly to M - the head of MI5 - who explained that the government took the sensible view that it was necessary to terrify the population in order to make them feel safe, and to protect their traditional freedoms by treating them all as criminals.

She then shouted "Bang!" to the assembled reporters, causing a mass soiling event.

Government Prevents Evil Foreigner From Spreading Message About Evil Foreigners

The British government has come under fire for barring Dutch far-right MP Geert Hitlers from entering the country to show his controversial film, 'Muslim Süss' to members of the House of Lords.

The foreigner-baiting former Tory cabinet minister Michael Portillo said that the government had made a "populist twit" and "bigot" world famous by detaining Mr Hitlers at Heathrow and sending him back to Holland. Dutch foreign ministry spokesman Christof Prommersberger also deplored the expulsion, saying: "any Dutch parliamentarian should be able to travel freely in the European Union. In fact, the further from Holland, the better."

However, the government pointed out that, after recent calls for apologies from Jeremy Clarkson, Carol Thatcher, drugs advisor Professor David Nutt and education expert Professor Adrian Smith for flagrantly speaking their minds, the banning of Mr Hitlers from the UK was a 'no-brainer'.

"Britain fought a long and bloody world war so that people could have the fundamental right to freedom of speech," explained Foreign Secretary Miliband One. "But that was all a long time ago, and times have changed. Nowadays all those old-fashioned human rights are nothing but a dusty collection of quaint old notions whose day has passed, thanks to the very real threat of international terrorism. What's far more important nowadays is to watch out for all these evil Muslim fundamentalists who would cheerfully murder us all in our beds in the name of the Prophet, given half a chance. Which is pretty much what Mr Hitlers is saying in his film, come to think of it. And, er, that's why we clearly had to ban him."

"What part of that don't you understand?" he added.

But seriously, folks....

In Hitler’s Germany, the Gestapo maintained huge files on the population containing reports from members of the public about their neighbour’s activities. Now it seems that the Metropolitan Police are trying to revive the idea, launching a campaign asking members of the public to report any behaviour they think might be suspicious.

Such ‘suspicious’ behaviour apparently includes taking pictures of security equipment like CCTV cameras, or travelling in a ‘vague’ manner.

As well as being a charter for the paranoid and the nosey parker, this scheme fosters the insidious idea that ‘terrorists’ are all around us. You could be a terrorist – or I could. Better ring the Met, let them take a look, just to be on the safe side.

So be careful where you point your camera or phone in public. Don’t go out for a Sunday afternoon drive. You might end up receiving the careful attention of the Met. And as Jean Charles de Menezes found out to his cost, that’s something you really don’t want to happen.

Of course this is England, not Nazi Germany. That was a dictatorial police state where the rights of individual citizens counted for nothing. It couldn’t happen here – could it?

(Article published on The Free Society website: http://www.thefreesociety.org/ )