Public Just Crying Out For Cuts, Says Labour Genius

Vote Labour

Jim Murphy - the shadow defence secretary, for Christ’s sake - has told delighted Guardian readers today that what will make Labour electable again is to realise that what the public wants more than anything is cuts, cuts and more cuts.

“The truth is the Labour Party would have to make cuts if we were in power," he said brightly. “It is difficult to sustain popularity without genuine credibility.

“I really reckon the whole country is with me on this,” he argued. “We’re certainly not going to get any popular support by calling on the government to protect essential services, safeguard people’s jobs or invest in the younger generation. That’s all just stuff and nonsense, as I’m sure the public knows very well.”

Enraged Guardian-Reading Mob Decapitates Power-Mad Charles

Infuriated by an exclusive in today’s Guardian which told them that Prince Charles has secretly been running Britain according to his personal whim for the last five years, a baying mob of middle-class lefties stormed the gates of Clarence House, brusquely dragged the hapless heir out of his daily conference with the geraniums and hauled him in fetters to the Banqueting House in Whitehall - where, to rousing cheers, he was promptly beheaded by puritan Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger.

The psychic rose emperor never said anything about this

The republican proletariat had been stirred to fury by the shocking article, which revealed that the Duke of Cornwall, drunk on power, has been vigorously exercising his royal prerogative - enshrined in a loophole in English law – to veto any parliamentary legislation which might conceivably impinge on his divine right to sell cream of mushroom soup in Waitrose at £2.99.

As the grim moralist of Fleet Street raised his axe, the doomed royal touchingly uttered his last words: “Let not poor Millie run out of fags.”

“The tyrant is dead! Long live the republic!” piped up one raddled old crone (Polly Toynbee), the besandalled multitude taking up the clarion call as it marched on Westminster to bear the good news to Parliamentarian leader David Cameron along with some rather awesome organic hummus.