Scientist Proves Imaginary Character Ate Fictional Meal A Day Earlier

Professor Colin Humphreys - an expert on gallium nitrides, electron microscopy and high-temperature aerospace materials at Imperial College, Cambridge – has brought all of his specialist knowledge of electrons and stuff to bear on determining precisely when a carpenter’s son for whom no historical evidence exists might have invited some friends round for dinner.

Science proves this happened on a Wednesday

“I was mapping some dopants in silicon and other semiconductor devices the other day,” explained Prof. Humphreys, “And what I saw led me to the startling conclusion that, for no readily apparent reason, my imaginary friend Jesus had obviously scheduled his dinner party on a Wednesday, according to the old Jewish calendar, rather than the Thursday of the lunar calendar which everyone else was using. Obviously, all his pals realised his mistake when they received their invitations - otherwise he’d have looked a right charlie on the night, wouldn’t he, sitting in front of a huge spread with no guests?”

“It’s all in my stunning book, ‘The Mystery of The Last Supper, and Other Whodathunkit Applications of Electron Energy-Loss Spectroscopy,’ published today by the Cambridge University Press,” said the respected metallurgist proudly.

A spokesman for Cambridge University told eager reporters to watch out for other exciting believe-it-or-not moneyspinners to be published soon, including Professor Stephen Hawking’s incredible-but-true discovery of Narnia in his wardrobe.

Berlusconi Fails To Run Trains To France On Time

Italy’s trains are experiencing some unfortunate timetable issues, admitted comedy dictator Silvio Berlusconi, after France delayed ten trains at the border because North African migrants - granted temporary residence permits by his government - assumed for some reason that, as legal EU residents, they had the right to travel within the EU.

France's railways have dealt with undesirables before

Italy’s ambassador in Paris lodged a voluble protest at France’s unilateral hold-ups - only to come up against a brick wall of Gallic shrugs from Nicolas Sarkozy.

“It may be that this is not covered by the Schengen border code rules,” commented EU home affairs commissioner Cecilia Maelstrom. “But it would seem that they had the right to do this. Excuse me, is this fence occupied?”

French officials insisted that they had no problem with any destitute North African refugees entering the country, as long as they brought along several thousand euros to live on.

“Although if zey air wearing ze burqa, zey are needing also a couple of hundred euros a day to pay ze fines, isn’t it?” laughed one border guard, as he hectored another hapless refugee. “Your papers, pliss?”

This Particular Aspect Of Monarchy Is An Anachronism, Declares Clegg

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg is to ask the rest of the Commonwealth whether the part of Britain’s thousand-year-old monarchy which gives priority to male heirs is merely atavistic baggage from a primitive bygone age which has no place in our modern democratic society, he revealed today.

If only she was a bit older

“In this day and age, it’s frankly ludicrous that a member of our hereditary dynasty of imported Protestant inbreds could reign - not just over Britain, but also the international community of its former colonies - simply because they have a cock and their older sister doesn’t,” pointed out Mr Clegg. “Why on Earth shouldn’t a woman have an equal chance of becoming the acknowledged leader of 30% of the world’s population, as long as she’s the first child of whoever happens to be king or queen at the time?”

“And, of course, it goes without saying that she’d have to give a pretty wide berth to all that Papist mumbo-jumbo about beads and whatnot,” he added.

Mr Clegg says that PM David Cameron is “sympathetic” to his argument, although Mr Cameron was seen in the background pointing to his own genitals with a smirk, then shaking his head and frowning as he pointed at Mr Clegg.

Liberal Democrat backbenchers were quick to agree, saying Mr Clegg had conclusively demonstrated that, these days, it is perfectly possible for a leader to have no balls.

Despicable Gaddafi Stoops To Firing Exploding Kittens Into Rebel-Held Territory

Run like fuck

Colonel Gaddafi is such a bastard that he has now resorted to stuffing nitroglycerine-laced kittens into a tube and firing them out of mortars, insisted a photojournalist who also happens to be a munitions expert. The twisted tyrant’s last defiant hope is that the dazed, piteously mewing kittens will be picked up by tender-hearted rebel children, only to explode murderously when cuddled.

“This use of banned pet-based munitions shows the world exactly what a sick fuck Gaddafi is,” said Human Rights Watch, one of whose photographers saw three mortar shells burst in the air and drew the only possible conclusion.

“You know, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if this were God’s own truth,” said a NATO spokesman. “In fact, we wouldn’t put it past Gaddafi to put tiny mustard-gas canisters inside Kinder Surprises and cynically catapult them into rebel-held playgrounds. He really is a shit, and this is exactly why we are so keen to interpret UN Resolution 1973 as some sort of mandate for regime change.”

He went on to explain that there is no way that what the photographer saw could have been nothing more sinister than normal air-burst mortar shells exploding over the heads of enemy forces through the use of a simple time fuse, which – according to a few hundred thousand sources - have been widely used since the First World War.

“My word, what an active imagination you’ve got,” he laughed scornfully. “No, it can only be clusterkittens. Anything else is pure science fiction.”

MoD Insists £126m Each For 160 Cold War Fighters Is Excellent Use Of Bankrupt Nation’s Overdraft

The Public Accounts Committee’s doubts about the £20bn cost of 160 Typhoon fighters - designed in the 80s for the sole purpose of rushing RAF officers into the stratosphere to wave at ancient Soviet reconnaissance bombers – were met with open-mouthed incredulity at the Ministry of Defence today.

“The Typhoon is proving its value in Libya even as I speak, where every day our plucky flyboys are getting closer to working out which of the blips its radar positively identifies as a stonking great Russian bomber is actually one of Gaddafi’s rusty tanks and which is just some chicken-farmer feeding his hens,” insisted defence secretary Dr Liam Fox. “Well, that’s what they do when there’s enough string to stop all the important bits falling off, anyway.”

If it ends the fear of Zeppelins, it's worth every penny

Meanwhile, potential overseas buyers were having huge fun watching the £126m interceptors to see if they can carry out ground-attack missions half as well as the far cheaper multi-role F-16s the Americans sold them 30 years ago.

Defence experts are wondering what the PAC will have to say when it finds out about the MoD’s other pet projects which are running late and over budget, such as Nellie the self-propelled trench excavator, the Pemberton-Billing anti-Zeppelin quadruplane and Champion the robo-horse.

BBC Schedules ‘An Open Invitation To Suicide’, Claim Right-To-Life Campaigners

Nobody should have to endure years of this

The pro-life lobby has slammed the BBC for “acting like a cheerleader” for suicide, claiming that a relentless diet of EastEnders, Holby City and Bruce Forsyth’s big pointy chin are open invitations to its suffering viewers to take their own lives while they still retain some last vestige of dignity.

“Where is the balance, offering some faint glimmer of hope to the BBC’s paralysed audiences?” demanded Dr Peter Saunders, chief moraliser of charity Care Not Killing. “Brian Cox? Don’t make me laugh.”

Cameron Reduced To Tears By Bruising Rebuke From Vince Cable

This is frankly intolerable

Prime minister David Cameron was left quaking in his boots today, after he received a scathing attack from nimble-footed LibDem minister of paperclips Vince Cable over the mildly controversial ”Bloody pakis - don’t you just hate ‘em?” speech he is due to deliver.

“It’s all very well saying that there are far too many immigrants in this country and blaming it on the reluctance of their white masters to take up offers of jobs they think are far too much like hard work,” said a clearly aggrieved Mr Cable. “But if he cuts immigration to a trickle, as he’s proposing, is he quite, quite sure there will be enough white British surgeons to go round?”

On receiving the powerful LibDem minister’s scornful verbal barrage, Mr Cameron burst into tears, ran away and hid in a cupboard, refusing to come out until Nick Clegg promised to put Mr Cable’s muzzle back on.

A spokesman for Number Ten later denied that Mr Cameron’s divisive speech was mere vote-chasing with a cynical eye on next month’s council elections.

“No, he’s a patronising bigot and shameless opportunist all the time,” he insisted.

OFT To Re-Examine Extended Warranties Now That All Electrical Items Break on 366th Day

As inevitable as night following day

The Office of Fair trading today announced that it would be reinvestigating the extended warranty market, after noticing that everything that runs on electricity is now manufactured in China with an inbuilt self-destruct mechanism which kicks in on the day after the normal guarantee expires.

“We introduced legislation in 2005, forcing shops to make it clear to customers that these extended warranties were actually a super-expensive ticket for a lottery, in which you fervently pray that your toaster will explode,” said the OFT’s Claudia Berk. “We looked at the market again in 2008, and found that the average member of the public’s understanding of the laws of probability meant quite a lot of them were still cheerfully handing over enormous sums of money, in the hope that some dullard who left school at 16 with a ‘stiffcut’ will poke about randomly inside their valuable electrical purchases with a soldering iron and a pair of garden shears and bash the naughtiness out of it again.”

However, since 2008 the number of shoddy electrical goods which really do contain designed-in naughtiness has risen to 100%, she added, meaning that a £150 extended warranty for a £300 laptop might, incredibly, now actually offer something approaching value for money.

MG: An Apology

Irate MG enthusiasts bombarded the Nev Filter’s switchboard yesterday to complain about the less-than-reverential coverage of the launch of the exciting new MG6, pointing out that the car-shaped blob is in fact a worthy inheritor of the racy, high-performance reputation of a proud British marque of champions.

The Nev Filter would like to apologise for any inaccuracies in yesterday’s report, and is happy to present a nostalgic pictorial tribute to MG’s illustrious heritage.

1984: The tyre-scorching MG Montego came with a factory-fitted 'Turbo' transfer

1983: The sleek lines of the MG Maestro included a go-faster stripe as standard equipment

1964: The powerful MG 1300 left Ferrari engineers scratching their heads in amazement

1948: The muscular MG Arab III turned heads in the high street with its sporty wire wheels

Liverpool’s Kamikaze Squad Shouts Final Banzais For Emperor Nikuregu

May 5th could be full of flaming Zeroes

Six of Liverpool’s LibDem councillors have publicly distanced themselves from their leader, Wa Ren Bradley – who yesterday urged the divine Emperor Nikuregu to take an active role in politics for once and formally dissolve the coalition with the Conservatives, or bring down national annihilation – tearfully professing their earnest, if tragically misguided, desire to prove their loyalty by falling poetically like the cherry blossom on May 5th.

“Wa Ren is a creature without honour,” they proclaimed dutifully as, with futile hopes for their eventual rebirth, they strapped on their traditional thousand vote lucky-charm belts. “It is our proud and sacred destiny to sacrifice our seats for the god-emperor Nikuregu.”

“Banzai!” they sobbed as they set off towards their waiting zeroes.

Their dying wish is to hurl themselves at a promising Labour target, plummeting desperately down the polls in the remote hope of taking at least one of their bitterest enemies to the bottom with them.

Labour campaigners, however, expressed a horrified scorn for the councillors’ meaningless self-immolation.

“Those deluded yellow bastards are such easy targets,” said one grizzled veteran. “This is going to be a real turkey shoot.”

“In more ways than one,” he added.