Liverpool’s Kamikaze Squad Shouts Final Banzais For Emperor Nikuregu

May 5th could be full of flaming Zeroes

Six of Liverpool’s LibDem councillors have publicly distanced themselves from their leader, Wa Ren Bradley – who yesterday urged the divine Emperor Nikuregu to take an active role in politics for once and formally dissolve the coalition with the Conservatives, or bring down national annihilation – tearfully professing their earnest, if tragically misguided, desire to prove their loyalty by falling poetically like the cherry blossom on May 5th.

“Wa Ren is a creature without honour,” they proclaimed dutifully as, with futile hopes for their eventual rebirth, they strapped on their traditional thousand vote lucky-charm belts. “It is our proud and sacred destiny to sacrifice our seats for the god-emperor Nikuregu.”

“Banzai!” they sobbed as they set off towards their waiting zeroes.

Their dying wish is to hurl themselves at a promising Labour target, plummeting desperately down the polls in the remote hope of taking at least one of their bitterest enemies to the bottom with them.

Labour campaigners, however, expressed a horrified scorn for the councillors’ meaningless self-immolation.

“Those deluded yellow bastards are such easy targets,” said one grizzled veteran. “This is going to be a real turkey shoot.”

“In more ways than one,” he added.