King David In Hiding As Pengelly of Plymouth Rides On Paddington

Self-confessed liability King David Cameron is reported to have soiled his garments and fled after hearing reports that Plymouth’s ousted princess, Viv Pengelly, is marching on London on a self-righteous crusade to blame him for yesterday’s peasant revolt which saw her unjustly deposed from the throne which is her birthright.

“By owr swete Mercie did We caws an grete yncyneratour to be sette yn ye Serfes midst, rownde ye wych myte hem hudel for ye hete & protectioun from ye wolves,” sobbed the ancient pantomime dame. “Ye smityinge of ye Ær-port, We didst alowe; so hem hight never ygen lief yn Terrour of ye evill Dragounes cercling over hir hoveles. Highe-way brigandrie did We tackoul, by yeving countroul of ye rutted stretes to ye townes ox cart drivour; nowe, ye fell rorynge of yron stedes scarce nemour ys heer’d aftere Doske. An We did spend eche, & ev’ry, laste Groat of ye taxes; yea, verily, an muche mor; on ye glorious newe palace of tourneys.”

The lady of Plymouth still awaits her great western carriage

“Mark yet mor, gentil scribe; for We did caws ye Herolde to issewe, eache daye, fresshe proclamatioun to ye pesauntry; of whomso hem han to thanke for suche bowneties withal,” she added, “Thus, ye onlie posible explanacioun for hir base ingratenesse nedes moste be ye sore incompetaunce of King David. An pece of Oure mynd shal We verily yeve unto ye wretch.”

And thus it was that, throughout King David’s troubled realm, dispossessed robber barons were singing the same old song. But for them, there were no more suppers to be had.

Putin Not Out, Shake It All About

Mr Putin needs to hug something this big to regain credibility

There have been widespread calls from President Vladimir Putin for an investigation into vote-rigging in Russia today, the day after fraudulent election officials criminally failed to alter a shocking 37% of the ballot papers in his favour.

“What kind of message is sent out to the rest of the world when corrupt state employees openly abuse the trust placed in them, by not doing what I pay them for?” demanded Mr Putin as he stamped angrily through a forest clad only in a pair of Speedos and a crown, looking for photogenic wildlife to squeeze. “The people should demand the severest punishment for those who turn Russia into an object of international ridicule.”

Republicans Consider Parachuting Credible Candidate Into Convention, Possibly Jeb Bush

As realisation slowly dawns on the Republican party that all of their presidential candidates are drooling idiots, plans are hastily being drawn up to write off the billions spent on their caucus campaigns and leave it to the party convention in August to select a credible new candidate whose impressive stature will lead the wider American public to desert Barack Obama in droves. George W Bush’s brother Jeb has been mentioned.

This is what Republicans call 'a statesman'

“The Republican core constituency loves a traditional Old-Testament tub-thumper with foam flying from his mouth,” explained former GOP chairman Haley Barbour. “Problem is, Americans who don’t marry their cousins shit themselves dry at the prospect of some Jesus freak, who knows for a fact that Satan has a factory in hell churning out dinosaur bones, drumming his fingers on the nuclear button every morning and asking himself whether this is the day God wants him to declare Armageddon open for business.”

Meanwhile the corporate interests which have been bankrolling the current presidential candidates from state to state are understood to be willing to write off their huge capital investments to date, rationalising that the Republicans “will owe them big time” when it comes to throwing out every bill President Obama puts before Congress.

“Oh please, Bre’r Barbour, doan t’row dat prickly ol’ Jeb Bush ‘cross de ribber at poor li’l me,” pleaded the Democrat incumbent, rolling his eyes and collapsing in fits of laughter.

‘Go Back To Your Constituencies And Prepare To Be Out Of The Government’

The Liberal Democrats’ president, Tim Fallout, today rallied his party’s surviving MPs with the resounding promise that its widely-hated alliance with the Conservatives would cease at the next election, mainly because they would all be losing their deposits.

The LibDems are great survivors

“We are like cockroaches after a nuclear war,” he told stony-faced delegates at the party’s Birmingham conference. “And to be cockroaches after a nuclear war, obviously the most important thing is to be cockroaches in the first place – vile, scuttling pests which are hated by everyone and deserve to be stamped on. And I think we ought to congratulate ourselves on how quickly we’ve achieved this, in the light of our near-total extermination in May’s local elections. So hey, all we need now is nuclear war!”

Elsewhere at the conference, deputy prime minister Nick Clegg swiftly quashed rumours that he would be standing down as leader of the Lib Dems after just one term in order to take up an appointment as a European Commissioner.

“European Commissioner, my arse,” he sobbed into his espresso macchiato. “By then I’ll be bloody lucky if I get a job as a commissionaire at one of the casinos back home in Monaco.”

Liverpool’s Kamikaze Squad Shouts Final Banzais For Emperor Nikuregu

May 5th could be full of flaming Zeroes

Six of Liverpool’s LibDem councillors have publicly distanced themselves from their leader, Wa Ren Bradley – who yesterday urged the divine Emperor Nikuregu to take an active role in politics for once and formally dissolve the coalition with the Conservatives, or bring down national annihilation – tearfully professing their earnest, if tragically misguided, desire to prove their loyalty by falling poetically like the cherry blossom on May 5th.

“Wa Ren is a creature without honour,” they proclaimed dutifully as, with futile hopes for their eventual rebirth, they strapped on their traditional thousand vote lucky-charm belts. “It is our proud and sacred destiny to sacrifice our seats for the god-emperor Nikuregu.”

“Banzai!” they sobbed as they set off towards their waiting zeroes.

Their dying wish is to hurl themselves at a promising Labour target, plummeting desperately down the polls in the remote hope of taking at least one of their bitterest enemies to the bottom with them.

Labour campaigners, however, expressed a horrified scorn for the councillors’ meaningless self-immolation.

“Those deluded yellow bastards are such easy targets,” said one grizzled veteran. “This is going to be a real turkey shoot.”

“In more ways than one,” he added.

Labour, Tories, BNP Unite To Denounce Lib Dem Threat To Britain

Gordon Brown and David Cameron today stood shoulder-to-shoulder with BNP leader Nick Angriff to warn voters of the grave threat to the British way of life if they voted Liberal Democrat.

"Make no mistake," urged PM Gordon Brown. "The Lib Dems want nothing more than to disrupt our cherished tradition of democratic dictatorships, trampling the apathy that is the birthright of every British man, woman and child with their wicked plans for a hung parliament."

"Think about it," agreed Tory hopeful David Cameron. "Do you really want complicated and very, very boring issues to be debated daily in the public arena, i.e. on GMTV while you're eating your cornflakes or whatever it is that ordinary people do? No, apparently you want flimsy promotional interviews with actors and Britain's Got Talent hopefuls, or so my valet assures me."

"Obviously I oppose anything that threatens dictatorship, democratic or otherwise," added wonky-faced Nazi leader Nick Angriff. "No, let me finish. Oh - you did."

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg remains unabashed, however, as an opinion poll dreamed up today by the Sun put his evil party ahead at 33% of the imaginary votes people might cast if they existed.

"Bwah ha ha ha," he explained.

Labour Giants Deliver Keynote Sobs To TV Addicts

Stores are running out of mops and sponges today, as the British electorate grimly prepares to be deluged by floods of crocodile tears from senior Labour figures in the forthcoming general election.

Prime minister Gordon Brown set the ball rolling, when he started blubbing his eyes out during a hard-hitting interview with Piers Morgan. When the ferocious political journalist asked him how he thought the death of his prematurely-born daughter in 2002 had informed his economic policy decisions as chancellor, the normally stony-faced PM inhaled deeply from a bag of onions before welling up and bawling his little heart out on his shocked inquisitor's sleeve.

After the cameras were repositioned for extra cut-in footage, the prime minister composed himself, asked the director if he needed another take and moved onto a question about whether he was a tit man or a leg man.

While Mr Brown's waterworks will not be broadcast until next Sunday, Labour spin doctor Alastair Campbell provided a sneak preview of what sympathetic audiences can expect when he burst into tears during The Andrew Marr Show this morning. When the horror-eared Marr mentioned Campbell's shite novel, the shoulders of Tony Blair's former propagandist-in-chief shook uncontrollably as he reached in his pocket for a rubber bulb which sent jets of water spraying from his eyes, drenching the floor manager and shorting out the studio lights.

Mr Campbell later claimed that, by giving the free plug for his novel as arranged, Marr was cynically planting the deliberately-misleading impression in the viewers' minds that the infamous WMD dossier he compiled in 2002 for his patron saint, Tony Blair, could in some way be mistaken for a steaming crock of horseshit.

A Labour Party spokesman later denied that the weepfest could be part of a wider election strategy aimed at picking up sympathy votes from the sort of mindless fuckwits who vote for the saddest case every week on Britain's Got Talent because they can only react to obvious outbursts of emotion, in much the same way that plants grow in the direction of sunlight.

"If we won by turning the election into a public spectacle of mawkish grief by sidestepping the serious issues facing Britain in favour of a maudlin appeal to cheap sentimentality," he said, "I'm sure Gordon Brown would feel honour-bound to tell the Queen he couldn't, in all conscience, form a government."