Loony Conservative Element To Smash Up Students’ Unions

Enjoy it while you can - Dr Fox's tank is already in reception

Prime minister David Cameron today announced that, in response to the attack by a radical minority of students on his party HQ in Millbank Tower yesterday, he would be sending a barmy element of his own into students’ unions.

“Regrettably, there appears to be an element within the student community which is only capable of thinking in terms of violent confrontation,” he told reporters in Korea this morning. “So perhaps they’ll gain a fuller understanding of the government’s plans for the higher education sector when Dr. Liam Fox smashes their SU bar to splinters with a pickaxe.”

Under the plans, the raving mad defence secretary will roll up outside – or possibly inside, depending on what the voices in his head are telling him - randomly-selected students’ union buildings in a Challenger tank, before jumping out with a pickaxe and proceeding to the union bar. He will commence by shattering all the optics, before moving on to wreck the pumps, tills and PA system.

“He will then proceed to demolish as much of the fittings and fixtures as he is able, brutally headbutting any exec twerps who try to remonstrate with him with his reinforced tinfoil hat,” explained Mr Cameron with a smile.

“Students must learn that violence is pointless, counter-productive and ultimately self-defeating,” he warned. “Because, at the end of the day, we’ve got the police and the army at our beck and call - neither of whom, I should point out, are exactly fond of students.”

Meanwhile, Metropolitan police commissioner Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson told the press that he had already held an internal inquiry to find out why his riot vans were mysteriously having their windscreens washed and tyre pressures meticulously checked in police station compounds by all of his riot officers on the day of the largest student protest in years.

“I have asked myself how on earth I could possibly have been so lax in my duty as to allow an entirely predictable outbreak of violence to occur,” he announced, “And the only possible conclusion I can draw is that I was hoping to engineer a massive public backlash against students, undermining the legitimacy of their protest and discrediting the validity of their grievances – which, judging from this morning’s headlines, seems to be coming along nicely. My actions were, therefore, entirely justified and there is no need for disciplinary action to be taken, except of course against all the obliging little trots we nicked, bless ‘em.”

Millions Turn Down The Sound On Call Of Duty: Black Ops For Two Minutes

Level 2 sure is hell

All across Britain, the harsh chatter of full-auto gunfire and the screams of the dying fell silent for two minutes at precisely 11am, as millions of gamers solemnly muted their consoles as they continued blasting away in the runaway smash-hit shooter, Call Of Duty: Black Ops.

“At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember not to throw the grenades at our own squad at the end of the second level,” observed Xbox addict Josh Geake, after taking two minutes’ time out to search Google in vain for useful tips.

“The utter waste of Modern Warfare 2 is an appalling tragedy that is all too easily forgotten by the younger generation,” he sobbed. “I never finished that bastard, yet here I am again, stuck on sodding level 2 of Black Ops after forking out a hundred and thirty bastard quid for the Prestige limited edition.”

“We must never forget the mistakes of the past,” he mourned. “I’ll probably waste another small fortune on bloody Kinect, and what will it achieve? Nothing but more unnecessary pain and suffering. Lest we forget, the last time I had a go on my sister’s Wii I accidentally elbowed her right in the face and she fell through the coffee table. It was bloody hilarious.”

“Will we never learn?” he moaned plaintively, as he wasted his own team yet again.

Sainsbury’s Recession-Beating Formula: Get Everyone So Pissed They Don’t Notice Prices Going Up

Other prices don't matter, slur shoppers

Supermarket chain Sainsbury’s today unveiled a recession-busting 36% rise in profits, reporting that it had successfully extracted a startling £466m from its increasingly impoverished customers in the 28 weeks up to the beginning of October by the refreshingly simple combination of shovelling out cheap alcohol as fast as its permanently-inebriated customers could fill their trolleys whilst remorselessly hiking the price of everything they actually needed to live on.

“When times are hard, people are struggling to keep their heads above water,” smiled chief executive Justin King, as he ordered a new cabin cruiser. “Our message to them is simple: why bother? Just piss your life up against the wall and let tomorrow take care of itself. Just remember to balance a loaf of pressed sawdust and a tub of grease on top of your groaning booze trolley as you stagger to the checkout.

“People are rightly terrified of losing their jobs and their homes, but what’s the point of worrying when thirty cans of Strongbow are just £15? With the onset of winter sending the mercury falling, even the homeless and destitute can keep their cider refreshingly chilled.”

“And you’d be amazed at the crap people buy when they’re shit-faced,” he chuckled. “Let’s face it, there’s no other justification for our appalling range of third world clothing.”

Mr King added that plans were under way to add fruit-machine playability to his stores’ burgeoning self-service checkouts.

Cameron Explains Principles Of Western Democracy To China

Prime minister David Cameron has urged China to embrace democracy, pointing out that as long as all parties draw their MPs exclusively from a small, self-perpetuating oligarchy who do whatever big business tells them in return for lucrative directorships, the same elite can remain in power indefinitely while the populace fondly cherish the fantasy that they have some sort of say in how their lives will be ordained.

Just think of it as a waste paper basket for people's dreams

“Look, democracy is just a fetish that people in the west worship above all else, without really understanding it,” he told China’s rulers. “It’s like God used to be, or communism to your people. Just split yourselves into a couple of factions – how you do it doesn’t really matter, because words like ‘labour’, ‘liberal’, ‘conservative’ and ‘democrat’ have long since lost all meaning – and let each group present its arguments as the only sensible way whilst heaping scorn on the other parties’ versions of the same arguments. Nothing will change at the top, I assure you; but the little people in the west will feel so much happier buying your junk if they think Johnny Chinaman has the same illusory choices that they do.”

“And if some artist moans about human rights, well, let him,” Mr Cameron continued. “Nobody will pay the slightest attention to him. Despite all the rights my people have lost over the last 20 years, do you see any signs of bloody revolution in the UK? Just tell your people that bad men want to hurt them, and trust me - they’ll be queueing up to put their rights on a bonfire and dance round it, thanking you for their security.”

Torture Saved Bankers’ Lives, Grinning Chimp Tells Britain

You don't want to see what else he gets up to

The illegal use of waterboarding and other tortures on Iraqi prisoners undoubtedly saved the lives of Canary Wharf bankers who then went on to bankrupt the world, according to an chimpanzee called George who used to run the USA.

Since his replacement by a machine, George’s keepers have kept him away from the limelight in an enclosure in Texas, where he has mostly alternated his time between happily swinging in a tyre and masturbating vigorously.

However, George has also been experimentally taught to communicate, learning to smear his dung into primitive letters in return for a juicy mango, and anthropologists claim that he now has a vocabulary of almost 100 words.

“When he was President, George used to simply throw excrement at a map, go ‘eek’ and his advisors would invade that place and reward him with a banana,” said head keeper John E. Morris. “But now, for the first time, he is able to tell his amazing story in his own shitty words.”

According to George’s toilet daubs (appropriately reproduced in Rupert Murdoch’s lavatory paper, The Times) the inhumane mistreatment of Iraqi civilians by CIA torturers was entirely justified - partly because the information thus gained may have foiled a dastardly al-Qaeda plot to rid the world of London’s greediest corporate thieves, but chiefly because, as a chimp, he has no grasp of any concept beyond the immediate gratification of his own selfish desires.

“Tony give George big big banana,” daubed the shrieking chimp, in a faeces-strewn interview in today’s Times, before being taken away for eventual dissection in the United States.

World Saved From Disaster By New Arse Wrappers

If you think a £20 dress can make this look like Anna Friel, welcome to Asda

The most important news in the history of the world, as far as 50% of the population are concerned, broke today with the launch by Asda of a new range of tat which, they optimistically claim, takes into account women’s horrendous saggy arses.

“Despite increasingly strident threats of a joyless life of asexual celibacy from all corners of the media, the typical underclass slapper stubbornly persists in maintaining an imperfect set of buttocks,” explained a spokesman. “With that in mind we’ve designed the Wonderarse range of flimsy party-dress tat, which makes a futile tokenistic attempt to cover up the lumpy, man-frightening horror of British bumflaps. Although, to be brutally honest, most of you would need a plasterer.”

“In all likelihood, those words are probably far too long for our customer base,” he added. “So let me put it this way. Sling your wobbly arse into one of these dresses, girls, and premiership footballers – whom you fondly imagine are constantly trawling for fanny in the tawdry provincial knocking-shops where shrieking harpies like you piss it up – will fuck you bandy and get you in all the papers with loads of money and shit. Is that better?”

“Prices from £20, and sizes up to a slinky 20,” he added with a shudder. “They go to pieces after a bit of scrubbing, but then so do you.”

Government Tells God To Mind His Own Business

The Conservative party at prayer

Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith today told Dr Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, to ask God if He would kindly keep His nose out of things that don’t concern him and stick to saving Australians from exploding jet engines, after the archbishop called the government’s plan to force the unemployed into unpaid manual labour unfair and flawed.

"People often are in this starting place, not because they are wicked or stupid or lazy but because circumstances have been against them,” Dr Williams told the BBC, “And to drive that spiral deeper does seem a great problem."

“Dr Williams’ God is telling him to stick his oar into issues that are none of His business, like decency, humanity and the welfare of the poor, sick and vulnerable,” retorted Mr Duncan Smith. “Well, mine is telling me, through the pages of his glorious oracle, the Sun, to harass the holy living shit out of the lazy skiving bastards. And, unlike the archbishop, I have concrete proof that my god actually exists. So he can swivel on his crozier.”

“Hasn’t he got a tombola stall to run, or something?” he added.

Meanwhile, the Labour party, unions, charities and other organisations which nobody has much time for any more joined the church leader in condemning the proposals, as people on the second-lowest rung of society cheerfully set about kicking the people beneath them.

“I don’t see why I should pay taxes so these bastards in areas where there isn’t any work can sit around blatantly not doing the work that isn’t there, come to think of it I don’t see why I should pay any taxes at all,” said a badly-paid man with no job security who will be first in the queue to claim benefits when his temporary contract is cancelled later early next year. “Frankly, if you ask me, every welfare reform since the abolition of slavery has been a bit of a mistake.”

Radical Cameron Gives You The Power To Moan To Your MP

Don't let all this power go to your head now

Prime minister David Cameron today unveiled a radical new redistribution of power, in which members of the public will be empowered to run the country in the place of centralised government authority.

The vehicle for the most drastic devolution of power since the beheading of King Charles I will be a government website, http:// www.blahblahblah.gov.uk, on which every official department must henceforth display a fatuously upbeat mission statement, along with a selection of random target dates for incomprehensible, abstract outcomes.

“Instead of bureaucratic accountability to the government machine,” blathered Mr Cameron, “These business plans bring in a new system of accountability to the people.”

“That is the horizon shift we need,” he added meaninglessly, before going on to say that power would be handed to people, families and communities.

When asked exactly how this amazing new power would change anything, Mr Cameron inanely rambled: “For a long time, government’s default position has been to solve problems by hoarding more power to the centre - passing laws, creating regulations, setting up taskforces.”

Mr Cameron was then pinned to the floor by enraged reporters, who demanded to know how people, families and communities might step up to the worthy task of passing laws, creating regulations and setting up taskforces all by themselves.

“Well, they can write to their MP,” he mumbled. “He will then laugh briefly at their bumptious incoherence and atrocious illiteracy before sending a one-line reply thanking them for their concern and expressing the sincere hope that he can count on their vote at the next election.”

McLaren To Replace Button With Brazilian Policeman

Button has been promised Toy Story 3 if he behaves himself

After reigning F1 champion Jenson Button’s narrow escape from armed gunmen after qualifying a dismal 11th in the Brazilian Grand Prix, McLaren have surprised motor-racing aficionados by adding a passenger seat to his car and giving the wheel to the quick-thinking police driver who sped him to safety.

“Let’s face it, Jenson’s chances of retaining his title this year were wafer-thin even before we came to Interlagos this weekend,” admitted team principal Martin Whitmarsh, “And after his lame qualifying effort only managed to put the car on the sixth row of the grid, frankly there wasn’t a snowflake’s chance in hell of him hanging onto the championship.”

The team, however, was so impressed with the police driver - who reacted to the sudden appearance of gunmen, as Button and his entourage were stuck in a Sao Paulo traffic jam on the way back to the hotel, by gunning their bullet-proof Mercedes limo and recklessly barging other vehicles out of his path as he accelerated to safety – that they immediately offered him a contract to be Button’s race driver, starting immediately.

“It’s exactly the determination to get from A to B as swiftly as possible that Jenson so conspicuously lacks,” added Whitmarsh proudly.

While his anonymous driver is doggedly barging his way past title challengers Fernando Alonso, Sebastien Vettel, Mark Webber and team-mate Lewis Hamilton, Button will be sitting in the back seat with a stack of publicity photos and a biro.

“It’ll be nice to see Jenson doing something useful in a race for once,” admitted Whitmarsh, explaining that the pictures featured Lewis Hamilton, with Button under strict team orders to faithfully copy his team-mate’s signature onto them.

The biggest fear in the McLaren pit is that their new signing will lose valuable seconds by pulling Felipe Massa over and placing him under arrest, if he sees Massa blatantly allowing fellow Ferrari driver Alonso to overtake him.

Elections In Burma, Forced Labour In Britain

Britain takes its rightful place in the southern hemisphere

NASA experts are excitedly studying dramatic satellite images of the precise moment when the Earth suddenly turned upside down today.

“We were alerted to a slight wobble at the poles, coinciding with the opening of the first democratic elections in Burma in twenty years,” said excited geophysicist Randy von Braun. “The oscillations continued at a low level until Iain Duncan Smith unveiled his White Paper proposal to introduce forced manual labour for Britain’s unemployed, at which moment the entire planet suddenly flipped over and the northern hemisphere went south, and vice versa. We know that the Earth’s magnetic poles swap positions every few million years, but we never suspected that the actual poles could too.”

“This is the sort of thing you never expect to happen in your lifetime,” added Mr von Braun. “And the planet going ass over tit is a pretty bizarre phenomenon, too.”