Perhaps Turkey Should Have Read NATO Treaty Before Signing, Suggests Assad: Rest Of NATO Nods Furiously

After blasting a one of their RF-4 Phantom jets from the skies, Syria has pre-empted any Turkish appeals for NATO intervention on the basis of mutual defence by suggesting that their neighbour takes a closer look at the Treaty of Washington.

The Russians swore they were tractor parts

“We looked it up on Wikipedia back in April, when Mr Erdoğan raised the matter after we’d told some of our people off for leaving Syria without permission by bombing the shit out of them,” commented President Assad. “He is, up to a point, correct in stating that an attack on one NATO member is an attack on all. However, if he reads Article 5 properly he might notice that this bit only applies in Europe and North America. Now, is Turkey actually in the EU? Not the last time I looked.”

“Tough luck, sucker,” he added.

Other members of NATO were remarkably quick to verify Mr Assad’s explanation of the treaty - reminding Turkey that modern combat aircraft are really, really expensive, and unfortunately Syria is bristling with brand new and extremely effective anti-aircraft systems which the Russians kindly donated.

“Yes, we know,” replied Turkish PM Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, as he reached for his reading glasses.

Royal Navy Still Unable To Run Modern Warfare 3

NATO is ready to take on any hostile titans

Swingeing defence cuts have left the UK’s armed forces without any hardware capable of running Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, according to shocked NATO allies - who first noticed a shortfall in Britain’s defence capabilities when they were invited to “bring any spare cereal packets” aboard HMS Illustrious for a simulated amphibious assault during the current exercises taking place off the shores of Scotland.

“We’re used to planning operations in our destroyer’s state-of-the-art Xbox Mission Suite,” said a horrified Dutch commander afterwards, “So it came as a bit of a surprise to see a blue-painted table in the middle of the hangar deck with a pair of marines painting Cornflake boxes grey and folding them into rudimentary ships. Haven’t the Royal Navy heard of quad-core laptops?”

Admiral ‘Froggy’ Legg apologised to his NATO counterparts, explaining that Britain’s top strategists were eagerly waiting for couriers to fly out the BNIB Radeon graphics card they bought on eBay, which they hope will upgrade HMS Illustrious’ desktop PC to the minimum spec needed to run MW3.

“Meanwhile, we were hoping to have a splendid Airfix model as the centrepiece of our wargames,” he added with a sigh. “Unfortunately, however, Chief ‘Salty’ McTavish keeps getting high on the glue.”

NATO Boasts That Fortified Tripoli Compound Won’t Be Flying Any Time Soon

This must not be allowed to happen

Allied warplanes struck at Colonel Gaddafi’s Bab al-Azizaya compound in Tripoli overnight, according to NATO, ensuring that several fortified bunkers will not be breaching the Libyan no-fly zone in the foreseeable future.

“In strict compliance with the UN-authorised mandate of denying flight capabilities to the bad guys of the Libyan regime, good guys in mean helicopters continue to be actively engaged in an ongoing mission to direct Hellfire missiles into big concrete buildings,” affirmed NATO publicity robot General Cy Lon.

Explaining the very real threat to rebel forces posed by a fortified compound, he continued: “If you squint carefully at this grainy night-vision footage, you can clearly see parts of these buildings attempting vertical take-off right at the very moment of impact. Each and every one of these bunkers contains literally thousands of tons of concrete and steel. If just one of these massive constructions got airborne and dropped itself on the rebels in Misrata, yes sir, you’d undoubtedly be looking at an unacceptable casualty situation on the ground.”

“Be advised that NATO is not, repeat not, conducting a wide-ranging assassination exercise against Colonel Gaddafi,” he added. “We currently envision no scenarios in which the head of the Libyan armed forces might conceivably locate himself within a fortified command bunker, no sir. That is definitely not a part of our authorised mission objective, which remains purely to clear the Libyan skies of any immediate danger from airborne concrete structures.”

Libyan Rebels Scent Victory As NATO Missiles Take Out Gaddafi’s Parlour

Every mirror cracked by NATO will bring Gaddafi seven years' bad luck

Last night’s surgical strike by NATO against Colonel Gaddafi’s plushest reception parlour is being hailed this morning as the decisive victory which will bring down the hated despot’s regime, according to ecstatic rebel leaders.

Libyan state TV footage of the devastation shows irreparable damage to a strategic chandelier, and several paintings were clearly askew. Senior NATO intelligence officers Kim Woodburn and Aggie MacKenzie, who masterminded the strike, were confident that forces loyal to the brutal Libyan dictator will face serious difficulties in their efforts to hoover concrete dust out of the thick pile carpet.

“Deprived of a pleasant luncheon environment, Gaddafi will find his ability to co-ordinate the battle plans of his armies to be seriously degraded,” said a confident NATO spokesman. “How can he effectively organise the recapture of the east when he’s constantly fishing tiny chunks of plaster out of his coffee?”

NATO Urges Libyan Protagonists To Adopt Gaudy Colours

Refusing to apologise for yesterday’s ‘friendly fire’ airstrike on rebel tanks which killed four people, NATO urged both sides involved in the fighting to paint their vehicles in bright primary colours to prevent similar tragedies in future.

“Well, how were we supposed to know the rebels had tanks too?” demanded Rear Admiral Russ Harding, speaking from his bath in Naples. “We thought they must have been tackling Gaddafi’s armour by clambering on the back and chucking sand in the carburettor, or something.”

There, now you can spot the bad guy tank a mile away

The problem facing NATO pilots is that both sides are using ancient Russian T-72s with spots of faded green paint showing between the flaking rust patches, making it impossible to tell friend from foe.

“What you need above all in war is a jolly good colour scheme,” insisted the Admiral. “For example, in the American War of Independence our boys played fair by wearing bright red jackets, so both sides would be absolutely sure that the chap in their sights was a British soldier. We’ve air-dropped a pallet of Dulux Sea-Blue paint into rebel territory, asking them to oblige ASAP, and through diplomatic channels we have also instructed Colonel Gaddafi to paint his fighting machines bright red. Intelligence sources indicate that he can supply his own paint.”

“Ideally, both sides’ ground troops will wear these colours too,” he added. “After all, it’s in everybody’s interests to know who’s who, isn’t it?”

Asked whether Libya’s unpredictable dictator was likely to comply with his wishes, Admiral Harding pointed out: “We have every reason to believe that Colonel Gaddafi is quite familiar with the basic principles of NATO wargames. He played enough of them in England and Greece, while we were training him.”

Petrol-Tanker Slaughter Proves Middle-East War Not About Oil After All

Chastened NATO chiefs are investigating an airstrike in which as many as 40 Afghan civilians were reportedly killed when two petrol tankers captured by the Taleban unexpectedly exploded after being shot at.

"We thought petrol tankers only exploded like that in the movies," said a baffled spokesman for the International Security Assistance Force. "Then Colonel Ripper said he's seen Last Action Hero, and when Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the real world, bullets fired into a car just left little holes and the car drove away. So our pilots just fired a few bursts of 30mm into the tankers, thinking all the petrol would just pour out into the sand."

"Imagine their horror when there was a fucking great explosion," he continued. "They were shocked and awed to see so many towelheads running about screaming, with their towels on fire. In fact it was all they could talk about on their way back to base. They were talking about it in the mess, they were talking about it in the PX and they're still talking about it on their Facebook profiles."

The local Isaf commander is reported to have observed only insurgents in the area before calling down the airstrike, he added.

"The standard-issue M380 combat kaleidoscope which he used is infallible," he said. "It looks like a normal set of binoculars to the untrained eye - but when you turn the lenses, you see dozens of brightly-coloured little terrorists with Kalashnikovs tumbling over themselves in pretty patterns."

"Still, at least the destruction of these tankers should finally put a stop to all those whining liberals back home who keep telling the American public that the conflict in the Middle East is all about oil," he added.

NATO Celebrates Birthday With Oddly-Shaped Cake

With Western leaders meeting in Strasbourg to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the North Atlantic Treaty Organisation, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir the Putin sent the organisation a birthday card featuring his best wishes and a map of the world with a big arrow pointing to the Atlantic Ocean.

President Obama - dressed up like Ozymandias from the Watchmen movie - delighted partygoers by cutting slices out of a big cake shaped like Europe would be if it were attached to North America rather than the eastern half of the Eurasian landmass.

Leaders of the other NATO countries were also in fancy dress for the occasion. Germany's Angela Merkel created a stir as Silk Spectre II, while a bright blue Silvio Berluscruki stunned everyone into silence by arriving at the party naked and waving his genitals.

New boy Nicolas Sarkozy - who, cruelly, had not been told to come in costume - sat alone in the corner crying because none of the other children wanted to talk to him, until his wife arrived to take him home to his stamp collection.

After blancmange and jelly had been served, Gordon Brown - dressed as the boring middle-aged nerd who doesn't really achieve anything - suggested that everyone should tell scary stories, but wet his pants when President Obama mischievously told him that a big bad bogey-man who lives in a dark cave in Afghanistan was coming to eat him all up.