Lottery Winners Prove Bourgeoisation Of Britain Project A Success

The reprogramming of the entire British public into small-minded middle-class aspirants, whose sole desire is to possess meaningless consumer objects which will make them the envy of their neighbours – a secret project set in train in 1979 by Margaret Thatcher – is now complete, according to a survey of lottery millionaires published today.

Before the National Lottery, only earls were allowed hot tubs

According to the results, the single possession most winners fondly imagine will finally give their empty lives some kind of purpose is a family-sized bucket of hot swirling water – closely followed by a dedicated room in which they can admire their vast collection of tat bought on a whim from Top Shop.

Other popular purchases of no extrinsic worth included electric gates to save them from the terrible wasted effort of getting out of the car, and a room of its own for the Xbox.

But, hearteningly, the most popular acquisition on the list is not a material thing at all. 30% proudly declared that they had hired a lowly cleaner from their own social background.

“What we really needed more than anythink in our lives, dontchano, was a peasant in the house so’s they can feel insanely jealous of all our tasty stuff, dontchano,” said £1m winner Sammi-Jo Potts, as she jabbed a finger at a wall-sized television and brayed about the decline of traditional British values of thrift and hard work – a ritual which, she firmly believes, occurs daily in the kitchen-cum diner of Buckingham Palace.

Did Christ Die For Our Sins? You Bet

Changes in the UK’s gambling laws mean that gamblers can have a flutter on Good Friday for the first time since high-street betting was legalised in 1961. Bookies are now free to open every day of the year except for Christmas Day - and while no horses are running in Britain today, overseas events and greyhound racing are likely to be popular bets.

Church leaders have, however, criticised the move, and are urging people not to bet on the day of Christ’s Passion and his death on the cross in expiation of our sins.

However, the bookmakers argue that, in today’s secularised society, people should be free to make up their own minds on how to waste their money, adding that their Easter operations would be sensitive and tactful.

Christians are being offered odds of 1500-1 on the Second Coming, 250-1 on the Apocalypse or 15-1 on the Pope inadvertently giving a Nazi salute in his traditional Easter address. Extra-confident and zealous believers can also bet on whether they will be among the 5,000 Elect taken into heaven in the Rapture.

As well as the option of paying tax on their stake or their winnings, gamblers can likewise choose to pay an additional tithe supporting the ecclesiastical mission of the holy church - although it is not clear whether any of the established churches will accept filthy lucre tainted with the blood of Christ from sinning bookies.

In what some observers see as an attempt to tackle the forces of Mammon on their home ground, one vicar in St Austell is offering his flock 100-1 on the wrath of God being visited upon the local William Hill branch, perhaps in the form of a thunderbolt or a plague of boils.