We Hardly Needed To Ask Papers If They’d Support A War, Explains Straw

The Mail was notoriously hard to convince

Speaking at the Leveson Inquiry, former home secretary Jack Straw today poured scorn on the Daily Mail’s claim that the Blair government waited until they were confident of press support in 2003 before sending British troops to the slaughter in an unwinnable, illegal six-year occupation of Iraq.

“Of course we didn’t waste any time worrying about media support,” laughed Mr Straw. “Have you ever heard an editor fretting about the loss of circulation caused by cover-to-cover photos of British troops kicking, blasting and bombing seven colours of shit out of foreign conscripts? Didn’t think so.”

Associated Newspapers’ editor-in-chief Paul Dacre, meanwhile, distinctly remembers the Mail as being the soft, still voice of calm in the run-up to the invasion, fearlessly running openly pacifist headlines like ‘Kill A Wog For Christ!’, ‘Saddam Causes Cancer’ and ‘2003’s Must-Have Accessory: A Garland Of Towelhead Guts’.

No Public Interest In Corrupt Thieving Ministers, Say Corrupt Thieving Ministers

The police are to investigate how details of cabinet ministers' stunning blags entered the public domain. Ministers, meanwhile, wasted no time before issuing a joint statement saying that there could be absolutely no public interest defence, as the ordinary people of Britain were far too busy worrying about losing their jobs, homes and hopes for the future.

"Why on earth would a laid-off shop worker in Bradford, struggling to keep the bailiffs out, care about the £6,577 I claimed back for cleaning services provided by my brother - who, as a senior executive at EDF Energy, is obviously a world authority on cleaning up?" asked Prime Minister Gordon Brown. "Honestly, people ought to sort their own lives out before pointing the finger at others."

Communities Secretary Hazel Blears added: "Is it really anybody's business that I've claimed for three different properties in one year? I'm just trying to do my job by experiencing life at first hand in as many different communities as I can. The little people usually only have to choose new furniture once every few years. It's a wonder I get anything done at all doing whatever it is that I'm supposed to do. People should be more sympathetic."

Justice Secretary Jack Straw agreed, saying that instead of criticising him for claiming back his full council tax bill despite receiving a 50% reduction, the nation's unemployeds should get off their lazy bastard arses and start bloody paying some themselves. "Hasn't anybody ever heard of the pot calling the kettle black?" he snapped. "God, if there's one thing I hate, it's hypocrisy."

"Surely there is no public interest whatsoever in this trivial flim-flam," concluded the Prime Minister. "But if there is, they can rest assured that we'll claim it back at the highest rate we can get away with, once we've adjusted it in real terms."

'If We Told Britain The Truth, Your Heads Would Explode,' Warns Straw

If the minutes of Cabinet meetings held prior to the invasion of Iraq in 2003 were to be made public, then the British Isles would undoubtedly crumble into dust in an instant, warned the Justice Secretary, Jack Straw.

The Information Tribunal ruled last month that the details of ministerial discussions should be published, with what it called "exceptional" public interest outweighing any concerns the government may have about confidentiality. The ruling upheld a previous call from the Information Commissioner to publish the minutes under the Freedom of Information Act.

However, Mr Straw said that doing so would risk "serious damage to Cabinet government", which he called "an essential principle of British democracy", and announced that, for the first time, the government was using the ministerial veto.

When asked by reporters whether he was not, in effect, claiming that cover-ups and unaccountability were in some way to be regarded as the core values of open, democratic governance, Mr Straw theatrically looked at his watch and dived head-first down a rabbit-hole.

Unfortunately, the minister's great big stupid head became firmly wedged in the hole, preventing his escape. Political hacks were quick to remove his shoes and socks, and after tickling his feet for several minutes they elicited a muffled admission from Mr Straw that what he really meant was that if the minutes should ever be released, the public might jump to the erroneous conclusion - based on the over-simplistic method of reading the words - that Tony Blair simply told a servile bunch of toadying creeps that he was going to cover himself in glory in a quick, easy war, and they fell over themselves in the rush to kiss his arse.

Straw Bans Laughter in Jail

The Secretary of State for Justice, Jack Straw, has axed a comedy workshop held in Whitemoor Prison, Cambridgeshire, after it emerged that some prisoners taking the course may have cracked a smile or two when they were meant to be suffering the unceasing torments demanded by the righteous vengeance of society.

“Prisons should be places of punishment and reform, and providing educational, training and constructive pursuits is an essential part of this,” he said. “But the types of courses available, and the manner in which they are delivered, must be appropriate in every prison.”

“There is a crucial test,” he continued. “Will the tabloids holler if they get wind of it? In this case the answer is undoubtedly ‘of course they fucking will’ - so, regardless of the fact that comedians working the circuit are not generally known for their heinous criminal activities, this course has been cancelled and will be replaced by a giant, useless treadmill, covered in grease, to which prisoners will be chained for sixteen hours a day. And horsewhipped. Happy now?”

The BBC, meanwhile, has apologised for the comedy series ‘Porridge’, which Mr Straw says gives the false impression that, on occasion, things may take place in the day-to-day activities within a prison which could give rise to an occasional wry smile on the face of a prisoner. DVDs of the series, starring the notorious criminal mastermind Ronnie Barker, have been pulled from retailers’ shelves and destroyed, along with the master tapes.

The BBC says it is working on a new series - provisionally called ‘Gang-Buggered Bastards of Belmarsh‘ - which it hopes will permanently de-glamorise life inside, in the eyes of the viewing public.

The Last Straw

The Justice Secretary, Jack Straw, is facing further embarrassment after leaked details suggested that the Ministry of Justice staff outing last month turned out to be an utter fiasco.

Every year the hard-working civil servants are traditionally rewarded with a day at a brewery. However, the trip began badly when managers discovered that the USB stick holding all the invitations had been lost by the private contractor responsible for designing the document. The matter was further complicated when the staff list was found to have been stored on a removable hard drive which was accidentally left on a train. Only after frantic calls to Lost Property departments at stations all over London was the drive returned to the ministry in the nick of time.

Organisers then learned that the laptop with AutoRoute Express on it had been sold on eBay for a fiver, forcing them to stop and ask passers-by for directions to the brewery. When they eventually arrived, an hour later than scheduled, the thirsty staff discovered that a temp had mistakenly booked them into a different brewery on the other side of London. After a detour to somebody’s house to pick up a sat-nav, the hapless workforce finally arrived at the right venue – where anger turned to fury when they discovered that the brewers were closing up for the night.

At this point it was realised that - perhaps fortunately, under the circumstances - the Justice Secretary had been left behind in his office.

The dismal outing was finally abandoned at two in the morning - but, thanks to their minibus running out of petrol because nobody seemed to have the departmental credit card, several disgruntled and sober workers were forced to make their own way home using night buses and taxis.

Mr Straw, meanwhile, was said to have been baffled to wake up from his afternoon nap to find the Ministry of Justice completely deserted, and only found out about the brewery trip when in desperation he rang his private secretary’s office and heard about it on the answering machine.

“Why did nobody in the department tell me about this? It makes me look like a complete fool,” he fumed to reporters while ringing repeatedly on the 10 Downing Street doorbell yesterday morning - sadly unaware that the cabinet was in fact meeting in Birmingham.