Lottery Winners Prove Bourgeoisation Of Britain Project A Success

The reprogramming of the entire British public into small-minded middle-class aspirants, whose sole desire is to possess meaningless consumer objects which will make them the envy of their neighbours – a secret project set in train in 1979 by Margaret Thatcher – is now complete, according to a survey of lottery millionaires published today.

Before the National Lottery, only earls were allowed hot tubs

According to the results, the single possession most winners fondly imagine will finally give their empty lives some kind of purpose is a family-sized bucket of hot swirling water – closely followed by a dedicated room in which they can admire their vast collection of tat bought on a whim from Top Shop.

Other popular purchases of no extrinsic worth included electric gates to save them from the terrible wasted effort of getting out of the car, and a room of its own for the Xbox.

But, hearteningly, the most popular acquisition on the list is not a material thing at all. 30% proudly declared that they had hired a lowly cleaner from their own social background.

“What we really needed more than anythink in our lives, dontchano, was a peasant in the house so’s they can feel insanely jealous of all our tasty stuff, dontchano,” said £1m winner Sammi-Jo Potts, as she jabbed a finger at a wall-sized television and brayed about the decline of traditional British values of thrift and hard work – a ritual which, she firmly believes, occurs daily in the kitchen-cum diner of Buckingham Palace.

Lucky Eurobillions Punter Wins Greece, Portugal, Ireland and Italy

Somewhere in the UK a lucky Eurobillions ticket holder will be looking forward to seeing Greece, Portugal, Ireland and Italy come tumbling through his letterbox after winning the European rollover jackpot outright, it was announced today.

You jammy git

The four bankrupt countries - which have been rolling over for months, in addition to playing dead and begging – are said to be eagerly looking forward to being let off the leash by their overjoyed new owner and playfully running down the high-street banks of London.

As nobody has so far stepped forward to claim their enormous prize, British gamblers are being urged to check and see if their numbers are up.

“4 – 8 – 15 – 16 – 23 – 42,” repeated a muttering wreck of a man locked away in a lunatic asylum.

High Life Now Ever Further Out of Reach

Research conducted by the Centre for Economics and Business Research on behalf of the National Lottery suggests that Britons now need £5.8m to retire and live the millionaire lifestyle - a dramatic increase on the £2.6m required two years ago.

The increase is blamed on rising house prices, inflation and rising consumer demands.

The CEBR report also states that a staggering £108m is now necessary to enter the super-rich category, characterised by a playboy lifestyle of yachts, multiple estates and a fleet of luxury cars.

The news has warmed the hearts of Britons struggling to make ends meet on a minimum wage of £5.52.

“This has really given me something to aim for in life,” said our office cleaner. “If I’m careful with my spending, in only 1,923 years I will be able to afford to retire in comfort on the money I save. On the other hand, in 33,000 years I could really live it up. It’s got to be worth thinking about. Then again, if I keep spending all my spare cash on Lottery tickets, surely it can’t take that long before I win a huge sum of money!”

Research conducted by our office calculator, however, showed that it would probably take almost ten times as long just to win the weekly National Lottery outright. Buoyed up by these encouraging results and a typical lack of understanding of the laws of probability, however, we decided to buy an extra ticket this week, just in case.